View Full Version : Is it okay if your significant other cuddles with someone else?
KingNothing
Jul8-07, 03:08 PM
Say your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife has a friend which is attracted to them and wants to date them. Is it okay with you if they cuddle together?
Umm, are you joking? This is even bad for the friend.
Schrodinger's Dog
Jul8-07, 03:25 PM
If you're a swinger then yes, but most people aren't so I'm going to go with no :smile:
Odd question, are you thinking of a free relationship yourself maybe? Ie if you let your other half do it, then what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander... Just guessing :tongue2:
Excuse me, as I have to laugh at this:
AHAHHAHAHAHAhahah...................ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhh.
Let me rephrase your question more correctly, do you mind if your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife is banging your friend.
This isn't definitively wrong or right, cyrus. There are in fact many different kinds of relationships, some of which can happily support this kind of exploration, and some which can't. Like all human behaviors, there's a spectrum.
If it makes you uncomfortable, then you need to say so, and you need to have your demands met. On the other hand, if you enjoy it, then don't worry yourself about it.
- Warren
JohnDuck
Jul8-07, 03:57 PM
If I was trying to have a monogamous relationship, that would be a serious problem.
hmmm... somehow I think if one's partner wants to date someone else it usually means s/he's not happy enough with his/her partner right now! :rolleyes:
moe darklight
Jul8-07, 04:56 PM
I voted yes before I read the attracted part. if there's a sexual attraction, then OBVIOUSLY N - O: NAY. ... and you should probably work on the relationship... but if they're just friends then why not. ... what kind of cuddling are we talking about? ... if someone had a bad day or something and needs a long hug, then why not.
I guess there's a lot of grey area.
I vote 'yes'. We don't own each other.
lol, this is a funny question.
Are you asking whether society should be this way or if in your particular situation you should allow it? If it's about you and your situation, then a lot more details would be needed, and even then what is "right" and "wrong" is very subjective.
There really aren't many studies out there that explore this sort of problem. Perhaps a lot of theories not based on studies though. You will take a gamble no matter what you do and will probably not have a very clear understanding of what you're getting yourself into. You can look at some intimacy psychological studies and some perhaps find some sociological studies about people's viewpoints on this sort of thing though, which may help.
If you do go into this, like I said, it would be a risk. But then again, the traditional serial monogamy relationship model is a gamble as well. There are a lot of unspoken "rules" about certain types of relationships and there is a complex web of interactions between us as people. Understanding that web would be a good start in determining if you'd like to change the rules of your relationship to a nonstandard model (or a 'weird' one). If the goal is to be fair and happy, then I suggest you think about the rights you have to tell your significant other what they can do and what feelings they might cause in you and whether they are responsible and have to answer for those. You'd also want to think about how it would make you feel and how it would change the dynamics of your relationship, complexifying it in a society that has instilled upon you certain inhibitions, which are reinforced by judgements on you, your spouse, and the other person. You'd also have to be open to losing your spouse, should they decide to be with the other person rather than you, cutting things off because of pressure to only be with one person by society or the situation. "Cuddling" might lead to more, it might not. My thoughts are that it would.
Now, if this is a personal problem of yours, I would think that if the person who wants to cuddle with your significant other, and your significant other had the guts to ask if they could.. I'm guessing there is a spark between them.
Ok, well, I have a date in a bit. Good luck if this is a personal problem of yours. Matters of the heart are never as simplistic as they seem.
-Phil
P.S. Most of the people you date will not become your wife. I'm not saying to sabotage relationships, but some experimentation may be worth the trouble (or maybe it won't). It's up to you to decide if you'd want to put your relationship on uncertain grounds.
I vote 'yes'. We don't own each other.
quoted for the truth
Schrodinger's Dog
Jul8-07, 05:47 PM
I vote 'yes'. We don't own each other.
Quoted for a silver star.
The Silver Star is the fourth highest military decoration that can be awarded to a member of any branch of the United States Armed Forces. It is also the third highest award given for valor (in the face of the enemy).
Or at the very least the purple heart. :smile:
The Purple Heart is a United States military decoration awarded in the name of the President to those who have been wounded or killed while serving
This isn't definitively wrong or right, cyrus. There are in fact many different kinds of relationships, some of which can happily support this kind of exploration, and some which can't. Like all human behaviors, there's a spectrum.
If it makes you uncomfortable, then you need to say so, and you need to have your demands met. On the other hand, if you enjoy it, then don't worry yourself about it.
- Warren
Its the fact that the friend wants to date your significant other that makes it very, very, iffy.
I voted yes before I read the attracted part. if there's a sexual attraction, then OBVIOUSLY N - O: NAY. ... and you should probably work on the relationship... but if they're just friends then why not. ... what kind of cuddling are we talking about? ... if someone had a bad day or something and needs a long hug, then why not.
I guess there's a lot of grey area.
Same here, voted yes then read the post. I agree with you completely ^^^
Its the fact that the friend wants to date your significant other that makes it very, very, iffy.
Well, there's only a couple things that could be going on, for example:
Assumptions: Exclusive Relationship (otherwise it's meaningless, if you can sleep with other people, cuddling isn't a problem.)
Either, 1. your partner doesn't know the other person is attracted to them, and thinks their just friends.
Or, 2. your partner does know and is also attracted to them, in which case you should feel threatened.
Or, 3. your partner does know and is just teasing them cruelly. (In which case, you should destroy them for being a horrible person.)
Each scenario is it's own topic, really.
The question asked, is it ok with you? I said no, its not ok with me. If a guy were attracted to my girl and was cuddling with her, its because he wants to get in her pants. You would have to be pretty naive to think otherwise. But then again, if you are letting your girl cuddle with another guy you know likes her, you already are pretty naive.
I voted a big ole hell no.
There really isn't enough information in the original post to make any kind of statement about whether this particular situation is okay or not in general. There isn't even enough information for me to say whether or not it'd be okay to me. It might take a two-hour long conversation for a couple to really come to a satisfying conclusion about it. As a result, it's sorta meaningless to ask us what we think.
For the majority of couples, the answer is clearly no; but, for some percentage of couples, it would be fine.
- Warren
I mean, if shes getting some on the side w/o telling you, thats one thing. If shes all over other guys infront of your face, pardon my french but you're basically her *****. "Hey look at me, im all over your best friend and you dont even have the balls to stand up to me!"
Nieve isn't a word. You're thinking Naive.
:rofl: how naive of me! I tried to spell check using google and it spat that back at me, dooough.
I mean, if shes getting some on the side w/o telling you, thats one thing. If shes all over other guys infront of your face, pardon my french but your basically her *****. "Hey look at me, im all over your best friend and you dont even have the balls to stand up to me!"
Hah. That happened to me once. Girl I was seeing started making out with a guy in front of me, like a couple feet in front. We'd only been seeing eachother a couple weeks, but still, I was like "Goodbye *****"
JasonRox
Jul8-07, 07:49 PM
Hah. That happened to me once. Girl I was seeing started making out with a guy in front of me, like a couple feet in front. We'd only been seeing eachother a couple weeks, but still, I was like "Goodbye *****"
Um... I think she already expressed goodbye to you.
That would definitely suck though.
JasonRox
Jul8-07, 07:51 PM
...its because he wants to get in her pants.
That's the mission of all of us guys whether we're cuddling or not. :biggrin:
That's the mission of all of us guys whether we're cuddling or not. :biggrin:
Amen brother.
KingNothing
Jul8-07, 08:16 PM
I'm asking each individual person for their opinion, regarding the relationships they have had, and how they feel. Personally, I do have a problem with it; it's not that I am trying to control my girlfriend, but everyone has their own limits as to what he or she considers acceptable behavior.
Well tell her dude. 99.9999999% of relationships fail because of inadequate communication.
dontdisturbmycircles
Jul8-07, 10:01 PM
Well tell her dude. 99.9999999% of relationships fail because of inadequate communication.
I agree. If you are not comfortable with it, tell her.
dontdisturbmycircles
Jul8-07, 10:09 PM
:rofl: how naive of me! I tried to spell check using google and it spat that back at me, dooough.
:rofl:, use firefox, it has a built in automatic spell checker :wink:
JasonRox
Jul8-07, 10:10 PM
I agree. If you are not comfortable with it, tell her.
I would have kicked her out of the door already. If a girl is dumb enough to think that's fine, it's a dumb girl I don't want to be seen with.
:rofl:, use firefox, it has a built in automatic spell checker :wink:
Spelling is not my forte. :mad:
http://www.thamike.com/images/ralph_wiggum.jpg
dontdisturbmycircles
Jul8-07, 10:15 PM
I would have kicked her out of the door already. If a girl is dumb enough to think that's fine, it's a dumb girl I don't want to be seen with.
Yes, personally I would too. But that doesn't mean it's the correct decision in his situation.
chaoseverlasting
Jul9-07, 02:33 AM
Excuse me, as I have to laugh at this:
AHAHHAHAHAHAhahah...................ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhh.
Let me rephrase your question more correctly, do you mind if your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife is banging your friend.
I actually happen to agree with you.
chaoseverlasting
Jul9-07, 02:40 AM
I'm asking each individual person for their opinion, regarding the relationships they have had, and how they feel. Personally, I do have a problem with it; it's not that I am trying to control my girlfriend, but everyone has their own limits as to what he or she considers acceptable behavior.
Acceptable behaviour? You're getting taken on a ride. You let that happen, and you're the biggest fool on this planet. Its not about control, its black or white. Either you're together (which means a certain amount of loyalty is due) or you're not (and then this kind of behaviour is acceptable).
Jimmy Snyder
Jul9-07, 02:54 AM
I voted yes. The first woman I cuddled with was another man's wife.
chaoseverlasting
Jul9-07, 03:04 AM
I voted yes. The first woman I cuddled with was another man's wife.
Wow. If you can clarify, how did that come to be?
Wow. If you can clarify, how did that come to be?
His mom when he was a newborn! Ba dum psh!
chaoseverlasting
Jul9-07, 03:19 AM
His mom when he was a newborn! Ba dum psh!
Man... I cant believe that went above me.
Schrodinger's Dog
Jul9-07, 08:40 AM
Spelling is not my forte. :mad:
Without Firefox I'd sound like a babbling semi coherent fool: no... wait forget I mentioned it! :biggrin:
http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/i/4/simpsons_warpresident.jpg
Moonbear
Jul9-07, 09:23 AM
Based on the original question as it is phrased, no, I would not be okay with it. I would assume the desire of the other party to date them would make the cuddling less than innocent, and would not be happy with that situation. So, if your question is really intended to find out how many people here are comfortable with such a scenario (maybe something that came up in an argument you want to settle), then that's my answer, NO.
If, on the other hand, you're asking if you SHOULD be okay with it, none of us can answer for you. If this is more than a "what if" type question, and something that has really happened that you're looking for advice about dealing with, then there's going to need to be a lot more information provided before you can start evaluating it to understand your own feelings on it. How much do you trust your S.O. in a situation like that? Do you think the attraction is one-sided or mutual? What sort of cuddling? How does your S.O. interact with other friends who do not have such an attraction? In other words, if your S.O. cuddles with all their friends and is just a "touchy-feely" sort of person, it may mean nothing, whereas if they usually are hands-off, this would be more of a concern. And, as has been brought up earlier, some people are more comfortable than others with the concept of an open-relationship, so even if it is non-innocent cuddling, reactions and comfort levels with that will vary. We can all answer how we'd react in such a situation, but that doesn't make it right or wrong with respect to how someone else should react.
Say your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife has a friend which is attracted to them and wants to date them. Is it okay with you if they cuddle together?
noooooooooooooooooooooo................its absolutely not okay... i wud go on a mad shootout if this happens to me.:redface::redface::mad::mad:
I voted yes. The first woman I cuddled with was another man's wife.
:yuck::yuck::yuck::yuck::yuck::yuck::yuck::yuck::y uck::yuck:
I just hate the word cuddle. That's something my wife tells me she would rather do when she's not in the mood for sex. You may ask your significant other if they don't mind you "cuddling" with someone else too. Turnabout is fairplay.
I'm not sure turnabout is fair play. Its an irrational response to your own ill feelings about this behaviour and does nothing to address those feelings at all. it also assumes that your girlfriend will share your response to that behaviour which is not necessarilly true. The only way they will be addressed is if you tell your significant other that you feel uncomfortable about the behaviour and then you can sort it out.
aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh this is all silly.....
if u n ur significant one love each other, nothing of this sort ll happen
Thats not true either. It depends on how your relationship is defined and as has been mentioned different people expect different things in a relationship. It has already been mentioned, but for example if your girlfriend is the touchy/feely type then that may be perfectly acceptable to her to do that. That does not mean she doesn't love you.
As I've said before the only way to find out whats acceptable to her is to express concern and then define exactly what it is you have together. She may be blissfully unaware that her actions have caused you distress until you say so. You're projecting what you consider ideal behaviour onto a situation that has many variables. Even if two people love each other it does not mean they share the same expectations.
JasonRox
Jul9-07, 11:24 AM
It has already been mentioned, but for example if your girlfriend is the touchy/feely type then that may be perfectly acceptable to her to do that.
Touchy/feely girls don't cuddle with guys. It's exactly what the word describes. They are literally only touchy/feely.
If a girl in any way thinks it's ok to cuddle with another person of the opposite sex, you failed to lay down the law.
I'm open and cool with open relationships. I actually kind of like them better, especially at my age. But I'm also cool with exclusive relationships especially if I have deeper feelings for the girl. At this point, I would discuss the relationship status with the girl and make it clear that it's exclusive. If she in her right mind thought it was cool to cuddle with someone else, she will suffer the consequences. Ciao!
Man, dont be lazy type what your saying please. :rolleyes:
Cuz its freakin annoyin ta read when you write like dat, nameen man?
dontdisturbmycircles
Jul9-07, 11:35 AM
AIM tlk 4 lyfe dood
Well like I've said constantly the only way it can be sorted is through talking with her. If she didn't live up to your expectations then thats too bad. I don't think that its a cause for the death of a relationship however. But perhaps I'm alone on that one :tongue:
why is it freakin dude???
dontdisturbmycircles
Jul9-07, 11:45 AM
Well like I've said constantly the only way it can be sorted is through talking with her. If she didn't live up to your expectations then thats too bad. I don't think that its a cause for the death of a relationship however. But perhaps I'm alone on that one :tongue:
No you are not alone. I agree, if anything it might hint that she is not really happy with the relationship so maybe he could talk to her and find out what is wrong. It depends on a lot of things such as whether its a long term relationship and what not as well.
ok will the moderators be kind enough to put a stop to this silly thread
KingNothing
Jul9-07, 12:20 PM
You guys on PF analyze things way too much sometimes. I suppose it comes with the job. This isn't about my relationship. I'm perfectly happy with my girl and don't see any problems. I'm just asking a question to get a general idea of how many people have which opinion. So far about 95% of the people asked say they are not OK with it. This is not a question about how people should feel, so please don't attack the straw man who asked that question.
JasonRox
Jul9-07, 01:05 PM
No you are not alone. I agree, if anything it might hint that she is not really happy with the relationship so maybe he could talk to her and find out what is wrong. It depends on a lot of things such as whether its a long term relationship and what not as well.
If you're a nice guy, sure that's ok. But with me, she's cut.
dontdisturbmycircles
Jul9-07, 01:46 PM
Yes as I said before I tend to agree, but it depends on the type of 'cuddling', the stage of the relationship, and the shape of the clouds on that day. :tongue:
In any case it wouldn't hurt to talk to her before you cut her off though right?
It really is a shame to confuse biological imperative with romantic conceit.
JasonRox
Jul9-07, 02:35 PM
Yes as I said before I tend to agree, but it depends on the type of 'cuddling', the stage of the relationship, and the shape of the clouds on that day. :tongue:
In any case it wouldn't hurt to talk to her before you cut her off though right?
Cuddling is cuddling. Exclusive relationship is an exclusive relationship.
She would be cut. She would have to make up for it. It's not for me to be "understanding" and "nice" about it. She disrespected me and the relationship.
KingNothing
Jul9-07, 05:26 PM
It really is a shame to confuse biological imperative with romantic conceit.
I understood like every third word you said.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.
I'm not ok if my boyfriend wants to cuddle. But he's ok if I want to cuddle. I choose not to, since it doesn't seem right to me. Though, I do go on "dates" of a sort with my guy friends. I'm always sure that my boyfriend knows in advance, and that the guy I go out with is aware that I'm faithful to my boyfriend.
I can't explain why my boyfriend doesn't mind, since I really don't get it. We've been together for years though, and it works for us.
Moonbear
Jul9-07, 07:47 PM
Touchy/feely girls don't cuddle with guys. It's exactly what the word describes. They are literally only touchy/feely.
If a girl in any way thinks it's ok to cuddle with another person of the opposite sex, you failed to lay down the law.
I think we may have different ideas in mind when we think of the word "cuddle." And, if someone thinks they must "lay down the law" then that is probably why she's cuddling with someone else. :tongue:
JasonRox
Jul9-07, 08:20 PM
I think we may have different ideas in mind when we think of the word "cuddle." And, if someone thinks they must "lay down the law" then that is probably why she's cuddling with someone else. :tongue:
Nah, they like me too much. It's important to make it clear that you're exclusive if that is the case. That's pretty much what I'm saying.
DaveC426913
Jul9-07, 09:02 PM
I think we may have different ideas in mind when we think of the word "cuddle."
The initial post mentions a pre-existing romantic interest, which - I hope - changes your answer.
And, if someone thinks they must "lay down the law" then that is probably why she's cuddling with someone else.
It seems to me it's more about providing some clarification one what appears to be an ambiguity in the relationship's "exclusivity" clause.
devil-fire
Jul9-07, 09:03 PM
i would say "no, its not ok" because it would bother me if my significant other started cuddling with other people and because iv had friends whom have seen this kind of behavior in their significant others before they found out they were being cheated on
from my experience, this sort of thing is bad for a relationship
Can i get a list of the guys that said it's ok, and a picture of their significant others?
I need some cuddling.
LightbulbSun
Jul9-07, 09:17 PM
I'm not ok if my boyfriend wants to cuddle. But he's ok if I want to cuddle. I choose not to, since it doesn't seem right to me. Though, I do go on "dates" of a sort with my guy friends. I'm always sure that my boyfriend knows in advance, and that the guy I go out with is aware that I'm faithful to my boyfriend.
I can't explain why my boyfriend doesn't mind, since I really don't get it. We've been together for years though, and it works for us.
Why are you not ok with him cuddling?
I'm not ok if my boyfriend wants to cuddle. But he's ok if I want to cuddle. I choose not to, since it doesn't seem right to me. Though, I do go on "dates" of a sort with my guy friends. I'm always sure that my boyfriend knows in advance, and that the guy I go out with is aware that I'm faithful to my boyfriend.
I can't explain why my boyfriend doesn't mind, since I really don't get it. We've been together for years though, and it works for us.
:yuck::yuck:not fair :eek::eek:
chaoseverlasting
Jul11-07, 05:34 AM
It seems to me it's more about providing some clarification one what appears to be an ambiguity in the relationship's "exclusivity" clause.
haha! Thats some way to put it. Unless you have an open relationship, I don't think its ok. I mean, if you're just out to have fun, then yeah, what the hell, other wise, no way.
chaoseverlasting
Jul11-07, 05:38 AM
It really is a shame to confuse biological imperative with romantic conceit.
HAHAHAHAHAH!!! This one's better. This is turning out to be one funny thread!
Moonbear
Jul11-07, 09:43 AM
Nah, they like me too much. It's important to make it clear that you're exclusive if that is the case. That's pretty much what I'm saying.
Okay, got it. It was just the way you said it that struck a sour note.
The initial post mentions a pre-existing romantic interest, which - I hope - changes your answer.
It did, although, from the OP, as far as I could tell, the romantic interest was only described as one way. I took it as a question of whether you'd interpret that scenario as an indication that the interest was reciprocated, or if you'd trust your significant other.
Since we now know this is entirely a hypothetical scenario, and not seeking advice, I fall back to my original answer, which was: No, it would not be okay with me.
Why are you not ok with him cuddling?
I'm just not ok with it. I'm ok if he wants to give one of his lady friends a hug or something, but that's about it. I don't really understand why he would want to cuddle with someone else. And I suppose I'm just to insecure to let him anyway.. something like that. Same reasons most people have I think... Just cause he's ok with it, doesn't change my opinion.
Anyway, I couldn't answer this question seriously because I really have no idea what I would do. My response would change depending on the many variables you forgot to crystalise.
JasonRox
Jul12-07, 08:15 PM
Same reasons most people have I think...
I'm not insecure about it. The way I look at it is don't make rules you can't follow. If the girl wants to be casual, say so. I totally don't mind if she started seeing other guys because I'll be seeing other girls too. It's both ways or no way.
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