please give me some advices on how to date a nerdy guy?

[lily012]

I really like this average looking nerdy guy from my college but it is so hard to read his mind. With him, i have to do the "chase", i initiate phone calls( twice a week only, so i don't think that is being clingy), conservation, meeting him at the library etc. But he never seems to be interested in me, he seems too busy whenever i go see him(And plus, he never texts me first either but replies all my text though). I am above average looking, outgoing, make good grades and I don't think i have a bad personality . I have been asked out a lot but i am only attracted to him. I am a really patient person and I can wait for him as much as he becomes comfortable with me.And I am more than happy to get to know him and start off as a friend. But he doesn't even talk me when we are together. So, hanging out with him outside of the school is out of question :( .Whenever i meet him in library, he will just answers whatever i ask him and he looks uncomfortable when i am around. So, i am starting to believe that i am bothering him and about to give up on him. Sigh~~~~~~~

P.S i don't think he is socially awkward since he seems to be very normally and friendly around other people( both male and female), even though he stays home 24/7 and never go out( i have no problem with his lifestyle at all, i like him just the way he is). So, yeah... maybe he just doesn't like me?? I don't mind doing all the work like chasing, initiating,etc. , i just want to make sure that i am not bothering him.

[JaredJames]

I really like this average looking nerdy guy

Well, you better hope he doesn't frequent PF.
With him, i have to do the "chase", i initiate phone calls( twice a week only, so i don't think that is being clingy), conservation, meeting him at the library etc.

It could be seen as clingy if he doesn't like you that much and altogether you overdo it.
but replies all my text though

That's called being polite.
have good personality as well.

Based on what? You? Others? Surely it's what he thinks that matters there, no one else (not even yourself).
But he doesn't even talk me when we are together. So, hanging out with him outside of the school is out of question

That doesn't sound promising.
Whenever i meet him in library, he will just answers whatever i ask him and he looks uncomfortable when i am around. So, i am starting to believe that i am bothering him and about to give up on him. Sigh~~~~~~~

Well it could be that he likes you and is just shy...... but then I'd be more inclined to say he isn't interested based on everything else you say.
P.S i don't think he is socially awkward since he seems to be very normally and friendly around other people( both male and female),

As above.
even though he stays home 24/7 and never go out

It isn't Eden_Dzeko from the other thread is it?
I don't mind doing all the work like chasing, initiating,etc. , i just want to make sure that i am not bothering him.

It shouldn't be one sided.

[turbo]

Ask him in for a meal, and share a bottle of wine. This is not rocket-science.

[lily012]

jarednjames, I am thinking about giving up on him as well. thanks for encouragement lol

[JaredJames]

jarednjames, I am thinking about giving up on him as well. thanks for encouragement lol

That's what I'm here for! :wink:

Seriously though, it doesn't sound good.

Regardless, I agree with turbo. Ask him out, see what he says. If he says no, you haven't lost anything.

[turbo]

Nerdy guys can be nice. Nerdy guys can be dull and uninteresting. Though you never know what you'll find when a Nerdy Guy opens up.

[lily012]

turbo-1, i already tried, the problem is he refused to eat in front of me which i don't know why @_@. Last time we went to have lunch together, he was just sitting there watching me eat. lol

[JaredJames]

turbo-1, i already tried, the problem is he refused to eat in front of me which i don't know why @_@. Last time we went to have lunch together, he was just sitting there watching me eat. lol

That's just weird.

The fact you've already been out and it's gone nowhere should tell you all you need to know.

[lily012]

Maybe he has financial problem and can't afford a date? You know, He always brings lunch box to school and i have never seen him buy anything in the cafeteria.

[JaredJames]

How old are you? I don't know many adults who would have a problem with a lunchbox and neither do I know any kids (<11) that would. Which to me says you're in your early teens.

Anyhow, it sounds like your clutching at straws here.

Just tell him how you feel. Ask him out on a date - not lunch in school.

EDIT: I always had a lunch box in school, nothing financial about it. I had a phobia of the school meals.

[lisab]

Maybe he has financial problem and can't afford a date? You know, He always brings lunch box to school and i have never seen him buy anything in the cafeteria.

Maybe you could bring a box lunch and suggest eating together?

But I have to be honest here, it doesn't look promising.

[JaredJames]

Maybe you could bring a box lunch and suggest eating together?

I was going to suggest that, but given it already appears she might look like she's stalking him (if he's taking it that way) then it probably wouldn't go down well.

[lily012]

Jarednjames, hahaha...... i'm no teenager hon, i'm 21 and we both are in college. lol
lunchbox thing is just a guess :D
here is the story, i already told you about how he just sat there and watched me eat right?Then when i'm done eating and about to leave for my class, he started eating lol. It happened two times already. BTW, that lunch thing wasn't a date, we just happened to meet at my college cafeteria during lunch hour. So, yeah...i have never asked him out yet, and i don't think i should. lol

[JaredJames]

So, yeah...i have never asked him out yet, and i don't think i should. lol

Then you're never going to get anywhere with him.

Sorry to be blunt, but if you ain't gonna do it and he certainly won't, then it isn't going to happen.

Sat and watched you eat? I have a picture of him sat there looking terrified at 'random' girl who just perched on his table, "what the hell is she doing?" style. Then you leave, "finally she's gone".

[lily012]

Jarednjames, lol i'm not a random girl to him btw. We know each other and have common friends as well. Oh about common friends, i can't get help from them since they are asking me out. So yeah :D

[JaredJames]

Didnt' say get help from anyone. You don't need it.

Previous post stands.

[oddcitations]

lily012, I think you may want to engage him in something he truly enjoys. Find out what he likes to do and ask him about it. Try and find out who he is. Then he might feel conflicted as to whether he likes you or not, so, I guess it's good you have patience. :] I guess, once you grow on him he'll start to feel bad when you're not around.

[Topher925]

I would just get strait to the point and ask him out. If he's interested great, if not oh well. From the sounds of it there's a good chance he may be gay anyway.

[lily012]

I hope not :(

[Antiphon]

Courtships where the man doesn't persue you are generally doomed.

Date one of the men who is persuing you. If the man you like has one or more nuts and does like you, he'll do something to let you know.

[lily012]

Courtships where the man doesn't persue you are generally doomed.

Date one of the men who is persuing you. If the man you like has one or more nuts and does like you, he'll do something to let you know.


you know, i am into shy and very polite guy like him only and those guys don't usually pursue girls. Since they are usually really afraid of rejection and that mean they care what you think unlike some cocky macho jerks. And that is the reason why i like guy like him :D

[Antiphon]

you know, i am into shy and very polite guy like him only and those guys don't usually pursue girls. Since they are usually really afraid of rejection and that mean they care what you think unlike some cocky macho jerks. And that is the reason why i like them :D

I know you mean well, but you are mistaken about the nature of shy men. First, politeness has nothing to do with it. A man who is afraid of rejection is afraid of other things too. Like sticking up for his woman's interests in the face of authority. You won't be very attracted to him when he sides with his mother against you as an example.

Please don't be offended, And if you really are female, I apologize but you sound like a shy male to me. Women normally have a natural and healthy aversion to men who are too shy to approach women; these men may also be too weak to ask for a raise, to scared to confront a mugger, and so one. It's one thing to be hesitant because you think a woman is special so you don't want to say the wrong thing. This feeling should last less than a minute before a socially successful strategy is formed for approaching you. If it takes longer than that, the man is not being a man but a boy.

Weakness or excessive hesitation should not be an attractive trait in a man to a woman, ever. It makes me think you're a shy man fishing for reassurance.

[lily012]

I know you mean well, but you are mistaken about the nature of shy men. First, politeness has nothing to do with it. A man who is afraid of rejection is afraid of other things too. Like sticking up for his woman's interests in the face of authority. You won't be very attracted to him when he sides with his mother against you as an example.

Please don't be offended, And if you really are female, I apologize but you sound like a shy male to me. Women normally have a natural and healthy aversion to men who are too shy to approach women; these men may also be too weak to ask for a raise, to scared to confront a mugger, and so one. It's one thing to be hesitant because you think a woman is special so you don't want to say the wrong thing. This feeling should last less than a minute before a socially successful strategy is formed for approaching you. If it takes longer than that, the man is not being a man but a boy.

Weakness or excessive hesitation should not be an attractive trait in a man to a woman, ever. It makes me think you're a shy man fishing for reassurance.

Hahahaha.... I truly is a woman babe ;) lol
I do realize how i am attracted to guys who most girls will over look. You know, when i was younger, i only date good looking and confident guys. At first, they are exciting,romantic and stuff but after awhile self-adoring brains of them became really annoying. So yeah, i got tired of being with them.

[Antiphon]

You are describing men who aren't gentlemen.

Find a smart handsome gentleman and you will feel pity for the shy man and lucky for yourself.

(the definition of a gentleman is someone who make those around him feel at ease.)

[Drakkith]

I'd ask him out on a date if you feel that way about him. That way he knows exactly what it will be and what to expect. Maybe he is just nervous around you. I know i used to be kinda like that with people I had a crush on. Could be scared to text you first.

I'd ask him out for a date and then discuss things with him. If it turns out he isn't interested in you, then you know you can stop wasting time with him.

[Drakkith]

I don't know where Antiphon is getting his info, but I find it shallow and unrealistic.

You CANNOT judge someone entirely on his "public" image. I gurantee that if you saw me in public I wouldn't fit the definiton of "Gentleman". But once you got to know me you would see the actual me. (Just using myself as an example)

I would ask him out like I said above. Just keep a good perspective and try not to let love make you too blind to things. If you find there a many things you don't like about him, but can "handle" for now, then don't date him. You WONT change someone no matter how hard you try. I've seen it and heard personally from more than a few people that they had several major issues with someone they dated/married, but thought they could change them. Didn't work and now they are miserable or divorced.

[lily012]

I'd ask him out on a date if you feel that way about him. That way he knows exactly what it will be and what to expect. Maybe he is just nervous around you. I know i used to be kinda like that with people I had a crush on. Could be scared to text you first.

I'd ask him out for a date and then discuss things with him. If it turns out he isn't interested in you, then you know you can stop wasting time with him.

Thanks Drakkith for the advice :)
Actually, I was thinking about giving up on him since he doesn't seem to be comfortable around me. I have no problem asking him out but then I am worried that he might say yes out of politeness. If he say "no", i can move on or at least i can try to move on as you said. But the thing is that he is really polite and overall a nice guy, so i figure that he will have hard time saying "no" if i ever ask him out. I might be overthinking but it is just because i really care about him. And btw, i like him the way he is, I would never try nor expect him to change. :)

[Drakkith]

Thanks Drakkith for the advice :)
Actually, I was thinking about giving up on him since he doesn't seem to be comfortable around me. I have no problem asking him out but then I am worried that he might say yes out of politeness. If he say "no", i can move on or at least i can try to move on as you said. But the thing is that he is really polite and overall a nice guy, so i figure that he will have hard time saying "no" if i ever ask him out. I might be overthinking but it is just because i really care about him. And btw, i like him the way he is, I would never try nor expect him to change. :)

Even if he says yes out of politeness, you will quickly know whether or not he is interested in you after a date or two.

While you may like him the way he is now, you really don't know anything about the guy other than what you see in public. You don't know his opinions, beliefs, habits at home, and countless other things that matter in a relationship. I'm just saying be aware. (Even though its hard too when you're in love.)

[Evo]

MEN!!! Bah Humbug!!

[lily012]

MEN!!! Bah Humbug!!

:smile:

[JaredJames]

Well lily, as per many other threads here it appears you've come asking for 'advice', been given advice, and then tried to justify your position as correct without really listening to it - you're giving additional 'excuses' each time advice is given.

Yeah it's a bit harsh, but it seems to be a recurring theme now.

Either ask him out or don't. You'll soon find out if it's a good yes or a bad one. A bit more action and a little less thinking wouldn't go amiss.

You're trying to think yourself into a 'happy place' by the looks of it, coming up with excuses and not really dealing with the situation.

Ask him out, make it clear it's a date. Job done.

[lily012]

Well lily, as per many other threads here it appears you've come asking for 'advice', been given advice, and then tried to justify your position as correct without really listening to it - you're giving additional 'excuses' each time advice is given.

Yeah it's a bit harsh, but it seems to be a recurring theme now.

Either ask him out or don't. You'll soon find out if it's a good yes or a bad one. A bit more action and a little less thinking wouldn't go amiss.

You're trying to think yourself into a 'happy place' by the looks of it, coming up with excuses and not really dealing with the situation.

Ask him out, make it clear it's a date. Job done.
yes sir >.<

[JaredJames]

yes sir >.<

Damn straight!

(Why are you still here? Get on with it!!! :grumpy:)

[lily012]

Damn straight!

(Why are you still here? Get on with it!!! :grumpy:)

well, i'm shy :shy: :blushing: hahahaha......i'm just kidding lol
i will let you know what happen, i'm gonna see him tomorrow. okay babe?? ^_~

[nucleargirl]

:) awwww! sounds so cute! The watching you eat thing is cute! I think he likes you! I think if he didn't, he wouldn't just sit there and watch you eat :)
I've met a guy like that, he was really shy too and he had friends and could talk to other people, but he couldn't talk to me. We could only talk via MSN chat lol! we went to the same sunday school, and when we met in person he wouldn't be able to talk to me and would kind of stand around awkwardly... he couldn't talk on the phone properly either. So a date was out of the question really. I think you just need to give it time and get to know him better. The more you spend time together the more comfortable he will be with you. and then he might open up more. Dont expect to go out on dates or anything soon. give it a few months, try to get him talking, see what you have in common.
He sounds nice, but just really shy. and I think he does like you, but just cant get the courage to talk to you.
Good luck!

[nucleargirl]

lily, (obviously you are a girl, you sound just like me when I was at college! I dont know why there's this suspicion here that every nice-sounding girl is actually a gay guy?!) anyway, I find with these really shy guys you pretty much have to make all the first moves... like asking him out, texting him first etc.etc until he feels comfortable enough with you (or grows up a bit and become less shy) and then he will be more open and start asking you out. You need to read between the lines to see if he likes you - he's not gonna just say it. see what he does. if he gets all flustered around you, and does something nice for you, waits for you etc. then he probably likes you.
hope it works out!!

[DanP]

MEN!!! Bah Humbug!!

You gotta love us, Evo. There is no way around it. We are the best thing happening to women since like, ever. :devil:

[chiro]

Maybe he is unsure of himself in some way, that he is hiding inside a shell. Maybe he had bad experiences in the past? I have no idea by the way i'm just speculating.

Just a question for you OP? Do you know how many friends he has? By friends I don't mean like the "friends" (or acquaintances) that you say hello to, but more like the close-knit friends? That might give you an indicator of some of his personality, and what kind of things he is into.

Maybe if you invite him out to do something out of his comfort zone (needs to not much out!) then you might see him crawl out of the shell: I wouldn't recommend doing this the first time though!

[aquitaine]

Maybe he is unsure of himself in some way, that he is hiding inside a shell. Maybe he had bad experiences in the past? I have no idea by the way i'm just speculating.


Some people are just not really social people, or know how to handle social situations well.

But typically the way to a nerds heart is through Star Trek and/or Star Wars. Can't go wrong with that. :P

[JaredJames]

:) awwww! sounds so cute!

Or just weird.

"There's this girl that keeps hanging around me, phones me every now and then, sits and eats with me (etc), I don't really like her but she just won't go away. (I'm too polite to tell her to do one)."

As lovely as it may sound, there's always the flip side. Given what she has posted so far, it hardly sounds like he's enamoured by her. (If he is, he's keeping it well hidden.)

[Andre]

From the sounds of it there's a good chance he may be gay anyway.

Could just as well be somewhere in the high end of the Autism Spectrum Disorders (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism_spectrum_disorder) maybe.

[JaredJames]

Could just as well be somewhere in the high end of the Autism Spectrum Disorders (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism_spectrum_disorder) maybe.

Or not seeing as he interacts with everyone else ok.

[Antiphon]

I don't know where Antiphon is getting his info, but I find it shallow and unrealistic.

You CANNOT judge someone entirely on his "public" image. I gurantee that if you saw me in public I wouldn't fit the definiton of "Gentleman". But once you got to know me you would see the actual me. (Just using myself as an example)


I get my information from living as a shy nerdy coward for 15 years followed by living as a brave gentleman. I got no interest before and found the woman of my dreams with a dozen possibles interested in me after. You don't have to understand how it works, it just does.

The problem with making women wade through your external jerk to get to the real inner gentleman is that it's selfish of you. When you boot up your outer gentleman that will become self-evident.

[FlexGunship]

Hey! Lily!

Take it from this nerd. Just bluntly offer to cook him a nice meal. I'm totally going to get flamed for that, but if he's anything like me (well, I'm not overly shy, I guess... and you said he was "average looking"... so, yeah, he's nothing like Flex), then he's probably living off of Ramen and microwaved hot dogs.

I remember falling in love with a girl because of her cooking. Stupid? Maybe. But we were together for quite a while and I don't remember a lot of bad times (except for the crushing breakup and the years of subsequent lonely torture; the late nights alone, longing for her touch again... collapsing in on myself and being forced to subsist on Ramen again like some sort of repeat offender returning to his bread-and-water meals surrounded by the jarring sounds of malcontent cigarette traders dealing their wares).

But, yeah, offer to cook for him!

[lily012]

Hey! Lily!

Take it from this nerd. Just bluntly offer to cook him a nice meal. I'm totally going to get flamed for that, but if he's anything like me (well, I'm not overly shy, I guess... and you said he was "average looking"... so, yeah, he's nothing like Flex), then he's probably living off of Ramen and microwaved hot dogs.

I remember falling in love with a girl because of her cooking. Stupid? Maybe. But we were together for quite a while and I don't remember a lot of bad times (except for the crushing breakup and the years of subsequent lonely torture; the late nights alone, longing for her touch again... collapsing in on myself and being forced to subsist on Ramen again like some sort of repeat offender returning to his bread-and-water meals surrounded by the jarring sounds of malcontent cigarette traders dealing their wares).

But, yeah, offer to cook for him!

I wish i had that chance but thanks for the advice anyway. I already give up on him.
He seems really uncomfortable with me when we meet in places where there are a lot of people(especially his friends are around). But he is friendly when we are alone though, anyway i am not gonna pursue him anymore. I don't know all of his friends but we have few common friends. And those common friends make fun of him behind his back. I always catch them commenting on how out of shape he is or how nerdy he look and etc. One time, i cut in said that i thought that he is cute, and then all of them laughed assuming i was joking. Anyway, my point is that there is a possibility that he is insecure and thinks i am fooling around IDK. But jarednjames in case you are reading this comment, I'm not clutching a straw anymore why thank you lol, i already accepted the fact that he doesn't like me, alright? So yeah... end of story.

[lily012]

Men, chasing someone is emotionally draining and crushes your self-esteem( at least in my case). You know, I have newfound respect for all the guys out there who have to do the chase most of the time while us ladies sit back and even play hard-to-get.

[Drakkith]

I get my information from living as a shy nerdy coward for 15 years followed by living as a brave gentleman. I got no interest before and found the woman of my dreams with a dozen possibles interested in me after. You don't have to understand how it works, it just does.

The problem with making women wade through your external jerk to get to the real inner gentleman is that it's selfish of you. When you boot up your outer gentleman that will become self-evident.

Hrmmm. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding. All I meant was that you can't judge someone based entirely on their public side. However, that can definately play a big factor. If someone is simply a jerk or an ******* in public to everyone, thats a little different than simply being shy or uncomfortable in public or whatnot.

Just because you're not a complete gentleman doesn't mean your a jerk. At least, not to me. I'm a nice person, I just don't really talk to people that i don't know well. I wouldn't classify myself as a gentleman, at least not all the time, and I'm not going to try to be. (Maybe we have different views on what you mean by gentleman.)

[JaredJames]

But jarednjames in case you are reading this comment, I'm not clutching a straw anymore why thank you lol, i already accepted the fact that he doesn't like me, alright? So yeah... end of story.

I said to just ask him out, if you've done that and it didn't go anywhere then you know where you stand. If you didn't, well that's up to you but know you'll never know.

I'm sure the choice you made was for the best.

[lily012]

I said to just ask him out, if you've done that and it didn't go anywhere then you know where you stand. If you didn't, well that's up to you but know you'll never know.

I'm sure the choice you made was for the best.

Thanks for all the advices hon, i really appreciate it :smile:

[johnbird1]

I think Andre has a feel for the nerd in questions. He may be Autistic and is plain socially awkward when it comes to one on one with a woman. He may be great in a crowd because a crowd is safe. He can enter the dance and back out when uncomfortable. He may very well like you. The behavior you describe can be as Andre put it, high functioning autism. And he may very well be the right guy for you... If he does have this condition, you may have to change your approach, keep up with the patience. But knowing this will help with understanding. You may in his mind be the best thing too. Let us know how it goes, OK?

John

[JaredJames]

I think Andre has a feel for the nerd in questions. He may be Autistic and is plain socially awkward when it comes to one on one with a woman. He may be great in a crowd because a crowd is safe. He can enter the dance and back out when uncomfortable. He may very well like you. The behavior you describe can be as Andre put it, high functioning autism. And he may very well be the right guy for you... If he does have this condition, you may have to change your approach, keep up with the patience. But knowing this will help with understanding. You may in his mind be the best thing too. Let us know how it goes, OK?

John

This was over a while back.
I already give up on him.

[johnbird1]

Ok, thanks... Didn't know just how stale it was... :smile: