View Full Version : Women are crazy. Interpret this text exchange for me, please
Jack21222
Oct1-11, 05:52 PM
Alright, so my girlfriend and I are planning to go to the Renaissance Fair tomorrow morning. I'd leave my house around 8:30 and pick her up at 9. She offered to cook me breakfast tomorrow morning before we leave, but I declined, since I'd already be waking up at 8am as it is, and I don't want to wake up even earlier.
Anyway, now she's mad at me. I feel as if I did nothing wrong, and she's just being crazy. She probably feels as if I'm being an unreasonable jerk, and that she did nothing wrong.
So, am I a jerk, or is she crazy? Here is the exact text message exchange:
Her: Let me know about breakfast cause I'll need to take stuff out of the freezer tonight
Me: I'll pass on breakfast. Thanks anyway
Her: Thanks alot I won't offer anything ever again
Me: ?
Her: ?
Me: I don't understand why you're mad. You can still eat breakfast.
Her: I'm not mad. That is not the point I know I can eat breakfast. I find it rude if someone is doing something nice for you to say no thanks I'll pass. Like I said, I won't offer
Me: I didn't know I didn't have a choice in the matter. If I wasn't allowed to decline breakfast, you should have told me
Her: U always have a choice, u just chose wrong. U can always do what u want. I was being nice.
Me: I just don't feel like waking up an extra hour early so you can be nice. I don't think I chose wrong
Her: Ok ttyl
Please advise.
Pengwuino
Oct1-11, 06:21 PM
Yah she's F'n crazy. Your hypothesis was right. "U always have a choice, u just chose wrong" is a fantastic example of someone being a passive aggressive jerk. I would never be friends with someone like that.
Astronuc
Oct1-11, 06:22 PM
She made a nice gesture, to cook/make you breakfast, and you rejected it. She seems to have over-reacted though.
You could have had breakfast with her.
Sometimes, one just has to roll with it.
Maybe there's more to this story.
Jack21222
Oct1-11, 06:30 PM
She made a nice gesture, to cook/make you breakfast, and you rejected it. She seems to have over-reacted though.
You could have had breakfast with her.
Sometimes, one just has to roll with it.
Maybe there's more to this story.
I often do things I don't want to just to make her happy. The other day I rode around with her doing errands, including picking up a TV from Best Buy and carrying it into her house. I didn't particularly want to do that, but she said she wanted my help, so I was happy to do so.
If she had said "Hey, I'd like for you to come over early so I can make you breakfast" I'd probably have said yes. But instead, she said "Do u want to eat breakfast here in the morning before we leave? I have all this breakfast food." That, to me, sounds like a genuine question. I asked my sister, and she said something like "yeah, that wasn't a question, she was telling you to eat breakfast, not asking. That's a woman thing."
Maybe I should ask her to be more clear in the future. I don't like playing guessing games, trying to find hidden meanings behind her every question.
Topher925
Oct1-11, 06:34 PM
All woman are crazy, and no matter what you do you're always wrong. Save yourself some time and learn this lesson now.
Jack21222
Oct1-11, 06:35 PM
All woman are crazy, and no matter what you do you're always wrong. Save yourself some time and learn this lesson now.
I've been dating for 10 years, and been with roughly 20 women. You think I'd have learned my lesson by now. I even told this one about my previous crazy girlfriends, and she swore to me that she wasn't crazy. :-p
Pengwuino
Oct1-11, 06:43 PM
Maybe there's more to this story.
And if not, women be crazy.
I must disagree though, part of being a mature person is learning that even your generous offers may be rejected and you should be accepting to the idea that maybe there's some reason the person doesn't want to accept it.
I've known people who are weird like this. They are totally unaccepting of your opinions and don't really consider how you might feel about things, but they're always trying to do nice things for you. You would think they would go hand in hand.
Pengwuino
Oct1-11, 06:47 PM
yeah, that wasn't a question, she was telling you to eat breakfast, not asking. That's a woman thing."
See, where do women get off thinking this is acceptable behavior? What if a guy ignored a girls birthday and just went "sorry, it's a guy thing"? I really hate how this kind of non-sense is perpetuated by people. No one would feel that's acceptable unless told by other people that it's acceptable and "what you're suppose to do".
Jack21222
Oct1-11, 06:52 PM
See, where do women get off thinking this is acceptable behavior? What if a guy ignored a girls birthday and just went "sorry, it's a guy thing"?
There's actually a section of the textbook for my "diversity" gen ed class (Teaching and Learning in a Diverse Society) that deals with this. The text gives the example of a man on a road trip with his wife or girlfriend, when she sees a restaurant and asks "Do you want to stop at this place and eat?" The man responds "No, lets keep going," not realizing that she was actually saying "I'm hungry, please stop here." The woman is then mad for the rest of the drive.
It has something to do with women being raised to not be direct and to be more passive. I'm not sure how much of that I buy, but I guess it makes sense.
I'd like the opinion of a woman on this, if possible.
ArcanaNoir
Oct1-11, 07:01 PM
There's actually a section of the textbook for my "diversity" gen ed class (Teaching and Learning in a Diverse Society) that deals with this. The text gives the example of a man on a road trip with his wife or girlfriend, when she sees a restaurant and asks "Do you want to stop at this place and eat?" The man responds "No, lets keep going," not realizing that she was actually saying "I'm hungry, please stop here." The woman is then mad for the rest of the drive.
It has something to do with women being raised to not be direct and to be more passive. I'm not sure how much of that I buy, but I guess it makes sense.
I'd like the opinion of a woman on this, if possible.
If I was that woman, I'd be hungry, not mad, and I'd soon learn to ask, I'm hungry, can we stop somewhere to eat?
I think she's wrong to be mad at you. At the same time, now that you know she's going to ask you something when she means for you to agree, just agree next time. Of course, now she'll never know your true opinion and one day she'll be trying to find out what YOU really want and won't be able to because she made you agree with everything she says!
Alright, so my girlfriend and I are planning to go to the Renaissance Fair tomorrow morning. I'd leave my house around 8:30 and pick her up at 9. She offered to cook me breakfast tomorrow morning before we leave, but I declined, since I'd already be waking up at 8am as it is, and I don't want to wake up even earlier.
Anyway, now she's mad at me. I feel as if I did nothing wrong, and she's just being crazy. She probably feels as if I'm being an unreasonable jerk, and that she did nothing wrong.
So, am I a jerk, or is she crazy? Here is the exact text message exchange:
Please advise.She's crazy. I mean seriously irrational about this. Does she lose it like this very often? This is what you call a "red flag".
This is not a "woman thing". This is about control, selfishness, and caring only about her feelings. An emotionally normal person would have said, "Ok".
Jack21222
Oct1-11, 07:18 PM
She's crazy. I mean seriously irrational about this. Does she lose it like this very often? This is what you call a "red flag".
This is the second time she's done this, and I've only been dating her for 3 months. She apologized after the first time, saying "I don't know what all that was about."
Thanks for the response, Evo.
I like Serena
Oct1-11, 07:25 PM
Look at it from her side.
She wanted to have breakfast together.
She looked forward to it and assumed you would like it too.
When you said no, she felt disappointed and perhaps a little rejected.
It doesn't really matter why you said no, she would still feel disappointed.
Explaining things rationally has little effect on feelings.
I think she needs to learn not to have too strong expectations.
And I don't think that for you there is really a "right way" to handle it.
Perhaps you could have been a little more diplomatic, considering how she may feel.
It certainly doesn't help to go defensive about it.
I think to her it was a fantasy of some sorts - a romantic early morning breakfast, with a nice leasurely hand in hand trip to the Renaissance Fair, flavoured with a dinner for two in a cosy restaurant, topped off with wild, passionate ... whatever comes after that... with her favourate man. You just nicked her ballon and it popped and spoiled all the plans in her mind by refusing breakfast, sorry to say. Only reason I can see why she was miffed. She was thinking ahead to what could, should and is going to happen and you weren't. And it was all going to be be spontanious and glorious and dreamable for days and moments to come. She was going to wear that top you like so well, you know the one with the .......... to be continued.
I think to her it was a fantasy of some sorts - a romantic early morning breakfast, with a nice leasurely hand in hand trip to the Renaissance Fair, flavoured with a dinner for two in a cosy restaurant, topped off with wild, passionate ... whatever comes after that... with her favourate man. You just nicked her ballon and it popped and spoiled all the plans in her mind by refusing breakfast, sorry to say. Only reason I can see why she was miffed. She was thinking ahead to what could, should and is going to happen and you weren't. And it was all going to be be spontanious and glorious and dreamable for days and moments to come. She was going to wear that top you like so well, you know the one with the .......... to be continued.When you can't seperate fantasy from reality...
This is the second time she's done this, and I've only been dating her for 3 months. She apologized after the first time, saying "I don't know what all that was about."
Thanks for the response, Evo.Wow, twice in 3 months? How did she explain a second event?
I like Serena
Oct1-11, 07:46 PM
When you can't seperate fantay from reality...
Whaaaat?
It's nice to live in a fantasy! I do it all the time and I like it.
I like 256bit's story. :smile:
Reality often isn't so nice and will intrude soon enough anyway.
Whaaaat?
It's nice to live in a fantasy! I do it all the time and I like it.
I like 256bit's story. :smile:
Reality often isn't so nice and will intrude soon enough anyway.I assume you're joking.
When you can't recognize boundaries, when your fantasy is imposed on others, when you can't recognize right from wrong, as this woman apparently can't, it's a problem. Nothing good can come from playing along with someone with these types of personality problems. There are plenty of normal women out there.
Her reaction was way out of bounds and inappropriate.
I like Serena
Oct1-11, 08:08 PM
Perhaps I'm missing something, but we only have a few short lines of conversation.
She impulsively shows her disappointment.
Nothing has really been said how this works out.
Hopefully at a later time she apologizes (she did the other time).
And he doesn't really have to play along... I think it suffices to show some sympathy for her disappointment.
Perhaps I'm missing something, but we only have a few short lines of conversation.
She impulsively shows her disappointment.
Nothing has really been said how this works out.
Hopefully at a later time she apologizes (she did the other time).
And he doesn't really have to play along... I think it suffices to show some sympathy for her disappointment.
Unless Jack is misrepresenting things, that wasn't disappointment. That was lashing out for an imaginary wrong. There is a big difference. Normal would be, "Ok, but I'd really love to make you breakfast some time".
That woman has a photo album in her closet with the photoshopped images of their future children. :surprised That was a movie. How to lose a guy in 10 days, or something.
micromass
Oct1-11, 08:42 PM
Aww, come on, you're all being to hard for that poor girl :smile: OK, what she did was inappropriate and wrong and jack did nothing wrong.
But hey, I guess she was really looking forward to spend a breakfast with her favorite guy. She wanted to express her love for you by doing a nice thing. I can understand why she was hurt by your refusal.
OK, she is a little bit emotionally unstable. But I actually prefer women who are like that. It makes them far more interesting :biggrin:
Pengwuino
Oct1-11, 08:45 PM
OK, she is a little bit emotionally unstable. But I actually prefer women who are like that. It makes them far more interesting :biggrin:
"Interesting" the first few months turns into "I'm going to stab this woman and throw her in a ditch" after a few years and 2 children.
I assume you're joking.
When you can't recognize boundaries, when your fantasy is imposed on others, when you can't recognize right from wrong, as this woman apparently can't, it's a problem. Nothing good can come from playing along with someone with these types of personality problems. There are plenty of normal women out there.
Her reaction was way out of bounds and inappropriate.
I predict that she dumps him in a week. Usually these thing happen when one is questioning the relationship, and at first glance he did not pass. Its normal behavior to test how your partner ( not necessarily with a partner but in any situation where a political choice is to be made - how else to bring out some semblance of the truth ) will react to a proposal that is vague. A direct request will impose a direct answer, and those answers can be predicted and no further information gained by the response.
In this situation she was letting him alone decide what response was to be given, and it was conveyed so as to have minimal input from her as to what was to be the expected correct response.
Response and expectaion could be YES, yes; YES, no, NO, yes and NO, no. We do not know what she expected or rationalized, and what the implications are.
( Rsponse in capitals and expectaion in lower case )
As mentioned earlier, there is more to the story as it is 3 months into, as Astoinuc pointed out. If it had happened in the first week, yeah she's a bit nutty.
But in 3 months it gets to the point where one will try to feel the other out, to find out what is really down there deep down inside - can the other be trusted for example.
The OP seems to "know" he did wrong but he iincorrectly justifies his behavior by labelling her as "crazy". Just by asking the question if she is crazy or not, puts himself in a better light as being the sane, perfect individual and her as the one with the problem -a useful tactic to sway opinion in his favour, and that is not right on his part.
If she does feel imposed upon when tactic is used on her than I do conclude that yes she is crazy.
Pengwuino
Oct1-11, 08:58 PM
The OP seems to "know" he did wrong but he iincorrectly and justifies his behavior by labelling her as "crazy". Just by asking the question if she is crazy or not, puts himself in a better light as being the sane, perfect individual and her as the one with the problem -a useful tactic to sway opinion in his favour, and that is not right on his part.
If she does feel imposed upon when tactic is used on her than I do conclude that yes she is crazy.
She may not be crazy, but she is intentionally trying to sabotage the relationship even if she doesn't realize it. People who "test" their significant other are usually very insecure and will forever test them until the person fails and they have an excuse to run away from the person.
PBechthold
Oct1-11, 09:24 PM
There's actually a section of the textbook for my "diversity" gen ed class (Teaching and Learning in a Diverse Society) that deals with this. The text gives the example of a man on a road trip with his wife or girlfriend, when she sees a restaurant and asks "Do you want to stop at this place and eat?" The man responds "No, lets keep going," not realizing that she was actually saying "I'm hungry, please stop here." The woman is then mad for the rest of the drive.
That might have been written about me. In 6 years of dating (now common-law) a very special woman, we have bickered and loved each other like crazy. We get along a lot better when, as another user said, you just roll with it. I think, in general, men are pretty easy going and when given lame-*** propositions like "what do you want to about breakfast?" we immediately answer with a lame-*** answer. That get's us in trouble and no pants parties.
So, to answer your question, She overreacted. You under-reacted. Equal fault? No, you have a dick, so it is your fault.
Jack21222
Oct1-11, 10:50 PM
Unless Jack is misrepresenting things, that wasn't disappointment. That was lashing out for an imaginary wrong. There is a big difference. Normal would be, "Ok, but I'd really love to make you breakfast some time".
That woman has a photo album in her closet with the photoshopped images of their future children. :surprised That was a movie. How to lose a guy in 10 days, or something.
Those were exact quotes from my phone.
The only part I left out was between when she originally asked about breakfast and when she returned to "let me know about breakfast" (the first line in my OP), I asked what she had in mind for breakfast. She told me, and then asked "why?" I responded that what was for breakfast would play into my decision, and that I'd think about it.
Wow, twice in 3 months? How did she explain a second event?
She didn't, really. I just assumed she was tired, it was 1am and I had woken her up so she could go home. She had no intention of staying the night because she had work the next morning. She didn't like that, but apologized the next day for what she said.
I predict that she dumps him in a week. Usually these thing happen when one is questioning the relationship, and at first glance he did not pass. Its normal behavior to test how your partner ( not necessarily with a partner but in any situation where a political choice is to be made - how else to bring out some semblance of the truth ) will react to a proposal that is vague. A direct request will impose a direct answer, and those answers can be predicted and no further information gained by the response.
I guess to me, a relationship isn't about silly tests and games. Maybe back in high school it was, but she's 27 and I'm 28. If she wants to know something, she can ask directly. This cryptic hidden meaning crap is not for me.
Before this gal, I had been on a 3 year break from relationships. I might have to return to that if this keeps up.
This is the second time she's done this, and I've only been dating her for 3 months. She apologized after the first time, saying "I don't know what all that was about."
http://growthexpertblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/05-RedFlag.png
Pengwuino
Oct2-11, 03:52 AM
http://growthexpertblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/05-RedFlag.png
+1. Genius Borek.
Personally, I always thought that when women aren't crazy once in a while they're not doing their job right. But I later noticed that that also explains my rather lousy track record. :smile:
TheStatutoryApe
Oct2-11, 04:55 AM
So, to answer your question, She overreacted. You under-reacted. Equal fault? No, you have a dick, so it is your fault.
I suppose if one wants to be in a relationship where one is playing a role instead of being oneself that could work out. Personally I'm pretty tired of women who want me to play the role they have scripted for me rather than just liking me for who I am.
Pengwuino
Oct2-11, 04:59 AM
This is going to make for some great chat room convo today
Alright, so my girlfriend and I are planning to go to the Renaissance Fair tomorrow morning. I'd leave my house around 8:30 and pick her up at 9. She offered to cook me breakfast tomorrow morning before we leave, but I declined, since I'd already be waking up at 8am as it is, and I don't want to wake up even earlier.
Anyway, now she's mad at me. I feel as if I did nothing wrong, and she's just being crazy. She probably feels as if I'm being an unreasonable jerk, and that she did nothing wrong.
So, am I a jerk, or is she crazy? Here is the exact text message exchange:
Please advise.
Breakfast before 9? As you mentioned, it's impossible to get up early enough to get ready to make a half hour drive so you can have breakfast at 8, or even earlier?!
Clearly, she was inviting you to spend the night and the invitation flew completely over your head. Your response was to discuss logistics. Clearly, there's only two possibilities - spending the night with her just isn't worth the trouble or you're so hopelessly inept at the subtle communications of romance that you're just not worth the trouble.
Or at least assuming the breakfast invitation was an invitation to spend the night (even if turned out not to be) would have changed the tone of the conversation and kept you out of trouble.
zoobyshoe
Oct2-11, 07:03 AM
This is not a "woman thing". This is about control, selfishness, and caring only about her feelings. An emotionally normal person would have said, "Ok".
Yeah, it's important to be aware that unstable guys often do the same thing. They'll offer to fix a girl's car, or the squeaky hinge on her door, etc. in order to get the girl feeling obligated. If a guy gets insistent or pushy when you refuse an offer of help: red flag.
ArcanaNoir
Oct2-11, 07:04 AM
letting what she was planning for breakfast play into your decision does go against etiquette. If someone invited you for dinner, would you respond, "I'll come if I like what you're making"? So that part, at least probably wasn't your best manners. You should have stuck with the "it's too early" excuse.
Jack21222
Oct2-11, 07:14 AM
letting what she was planning for breakfast play into your decision does go against etiquette. If someone invited you for dinner, would you respond, "I'll come if I like what you're making"?
Yes, I absolutely would, and often have. I don't think it's poor etiquette to ask what I'll be eating before deciding whether to go. Surely it would be MUCH WORSE etiquette to accept the invitation, and then refuse to eat because I don't like what they made.
About an hour passed between when she told me what she was making (which I do generally like) and when the quoted conversation in the OP took place. The logistics were the only thing that played into my decision once I had time to think about it.
Anyway, I just texted her to make sure we'll still going. I'm leaving in 10 minutes if so, and I'm still not dressed yet.
This is going to make for some great chat room convo today
Pengy,
I agree with you, Borek, and Evo's comments, text messages don't lie, the evidence is there for all to see and review. Insecure and controlling are appropriate word's I would use as well.
On a positive note, sometimes instead of being the vehicle to highlight a problem, text's can actually be used to work through problem's in a relationship, because, first, they take longer to communicate than speech, you can carefully consider and pick your words carefully to deliver your message with great clarity, no room for interpretation, if there are nuances during the session, you can correct or clarify to the other party. It worked for me recently and my wife agreed it was better than talking in elevated tones filibustering one another, plenty gets lost in that exchange, let me tell you. But not with the slower pace of text's.
Peng, I hope you didn't take my comment in the chat quiz seriously, it was all good fun, I love you wicked sense of humor, and imitation is a form of flattery, eh ?
Rhody...
PBechthold
Oct2-11, 11:11 AM
I suppose if one wants to be in a relationship where one is playing a role instead of being oneself that could work out. Personally I'm pretty tired of women who want me to play the role they have scripted for me rather than just liking me for who I am.
Ya. Your feelings are valid. But it isn't really a "playing a role". It is more of an understanding of what your partner is like and how to make them happy. Also, I don't know a married man to date that doesn't believe in "Happy wife, happy life"
But I do get your comment.
Breakfast before 9? As you mentioned, it's impossible to get up early enough to get ready to make a half hour drive so you can have breakfast at 8, or even earlier?!
Clearly, she was inviting you to spend the night and the invitation flew completely over your head. Your response was to discuss logistics. Clearly, there's only two possibilities - spending the night with her just isn't worth the trouble or you're so hopelessly inept at the subtle communications of romance that you're just not worth the trouble.
Or at least assuming the breakfast invitation was an invitation to spend the night (even if turned out not to be) would have changed the tone of the conversation and kept you out of trouble.
I thought he over-interpreted what she said and making big deal out of comments like "Thanks alot I won't offer anything ever again" and escalating it to a serious fight :rofl: But your post makes much more sense!
As far as I can tell, this is fairly normal behaviour for neuro-typical humans, male or female. No good turn deserves to go unpunished.
I have made only one conclusion in my 20 years of relationships; to have no wife/girlfriend is to have too few of them, to have one is too many.
nucleargirl
Oct2-11, 04:54 PM
lollollol... this is totally something I could see myself doing...
Basically, she wants to see how much you want to spend time with her and enjoy her company! So if she was a super hot girl and you just met her last week, if she offered to cook you breakfast and you guys could eat together before going to the fair, you'd totally say yes right?! cos you are super attracted!
But now you know her for a while, you see her all the time, you stop feeling like she's so special and you cant be bothered to get up one hour early to see her. you'd rather sleep.
Well, this doesnt make her feel very good! she wants to feel like you are just as attracted to her and likes her just as much as before!
I guess its a little unrealistic of her to expect that... but if you love her, you could make a bit more effort! come on, its one hour of sleep. go to bed one hour earlier and go to her house with a flower in your hand and she will be super happy! and so will you.
Pengwuino
Oct2-11, 05:17 PM
lollollol... this is totally something I could see myself doing...
$10 says you are the girl in question
Jack21222
Oct2-11, 10:12 PM
Basically, she wants to see how much you want to spend time with her and enjoy her company! So if she was a super hot girl and you just met her last week, if she offered to cook you breakfast and you guys could eat together before going to the fair, you'd totally say yes right?! cos you are super attracted!
Wrong
But now you know her for a while, you see her all the time, you stop feeling like she's so special and you cant be bothered to get up one hour early to see her. you'd rather sleep.
Well, this doesnt make her feel very good! she wants to feel like you are just as attracted to her and likes her just as much as before!
I guess its a little unrealistic of her to expect that... but if you love her, you could make a bit more effort! come on, its one hour of sleep. go to bed one hour earlier and go to her house with a flower in your hand and she will be super happy! and so will you.
A little more effort? I just spent almost 14 hours with her. Surely that's enough.
I really don't think I would be "super happy" about getting there early with a flower in my hand, anyway. That just doesn't sound like something I'd do.
DaveC426913
Oct2-11, 10:23 PM
You people are brutal. And you judge like none of you have ever had a misunderstanding via electronic messaging.
"I'll pass. Thanks anyway" is quite terse and can be construed to be quite a cold rejection.
Granted, she may have overreacted. But it could have been easily rectified by acknowledging that she wanted to do something nice, but it would be awkward for your schedule, and there's no sleight intended. Instead you act like her feeling sleighted - even for the moment - is "crazy". There is no empathy here for her feelings. It was just an ember, but you threw gasoline on it.
This is a classic case of mutual escalation. One steps out of line, even momentarily, and the other, rather than cajoling the two of them back to centre with a calming word, pushes it further from centre. Spiral downward guaranteed.
You guys might be both better off apart.
My *crazy sensor* has never been wrong.
Hmmm, I would have probably ignored her response about you rejecting the offer, and just tell her you'll see her at the pick up time, and move along.
I like Serena
Oct3-11, 02:35 AM
Wrong
Uhh... :uhh:
Could you elaborate?
Crazy. Under reacting. Over reacting.
These don't say much.
The woman wants some romance out of you and you are not responding correctly. Romance means worship. She does some small thing, like making bacon and eggs, and you are supposed to go gnumb with appreciation and faun all over her and treat her to extravigant gifts, treats and delights.
You are not living up to the romance novels. Get with it shipmate.
--or just use, abuse and dump her; she's crazy.
You are not living up to the romance novels. Get with it shipmate.
--or just use, abuse and dump her; she's crazy.
Yah, that's what I think too. Girl wants some romance, and he probably always wants to drive. Nothing happening, totally normal relation.
Man, two 'crazinesses' in three months. Last relation I had saw tree mood swings a day including the aggressiveness and throwing with stuff. Couldn't get it to work, that's the only thought I have on the whole subject.
DaveC426913
Oct3-11, 08:22 AM
The woman wants some romance out of you and you are not responding correctly. Romance means worship. She does some small thing, like making bacon and eggs, and you are supposed to go gnumb with appreciation and faun all over her and treat her to extravigant gifts, treats and delights.
You are not living up to the romance novels. Get with it shipmate.
Wow.
You single?
:biggrin:
This may tide Jack through life ( and the rest of us dumb males ) who find the woman's mind a mystery.
http://funny2.com/whatwomenwantinaman.htm
What women want in a man at age 25:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What women want in a man at age 35:
1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What women want in a man at age 45:
1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What women want in a man at age 55:
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What women want in a man at age 65:
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What women want in a man at age 75:
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Wow.
You single?
:biggrin:
No, I'm married. And the default state of toilet seat covers is up, of course.
You?
noobilly
Oct4-11, 05:14 AM
The girl is kinda oversensitive, I agree. Could be the tone "Thanks anyway, but I'll pass" though, which sounds a tad bit cold. If it was me I would say "Thanks a lot dear, but I really need more sleep, next time we'll have breakfast together". Then if she gets angry at that, well, the red flag is more clear.
Drakkith
Oct4-11, 05:36 AM
I see at least two issues here.
A: Text conveys no cues for emotions and such that a verbal conversation might have given.
B: It "appears" that she expected you to say yes and have breakfast. This is extremely normal, even if it makes no sense. I guarantee you that almost everyone here has done this a few times in their lives. Some people do it much more often, and are "passive aggressive" with it. The best way to avoid confusion is to clearly talk about these issues when they arise so that both you and your partner understand each other. Next time either she will say "I want to have breakfast with you" or you will understand the phrase to mean that instead. Hopefully it's a mix of the 2, aka compromise. While it may not seem fair to you, and you may think she simply needs to be clear with what she means, it is nearly impossible to change someone's personality traits and behaviors completely. You WILL run into this again. Either you learn to live with it a little bit or your relationship probably won't last.
DISCLAIMER: The poster is not a licensed anything, and probably has no idea what he's talking about, and makes no guarantee about the accuracy of said post.
Jack21222
Oct4-11, 06:35 AM
Either you learn to live with it a little bit or your relationship probably won't last.
Eh, I'm not really the relationship type anyway. If I stick it out for a few more months, the problem might solve itself. If I get accepted to a far away grad school and rejected nearby, we'll have to break up, and I won't look like a jerk for doing it. :-p
TheStatutoryApe
Oct4-11, 07:18 AM
I think that the silliest thing I ever got upset about with a person I was dating was when my ex invited me, last minute, to go on a trip she knew my schedule would not allow me to go on. Considering she was constantly upset with me because she was always trying to read between the lines with everything I said and did (only a slight exaggeration) I was more than a little wondering as to her intent in inviting me on that trip. Since she always saw some ulterior motive it was hard for me to believe that she had none herself.
DaveC426913
Oct4-11, 08:09 AM
If I stick it out for a few more months, the problem might solve itself.
Or you could man up and do right by her now.
I'm beginning to see something familiar here. "My last girlfriend? She went psycho on me."
nucleargirl
Oct4-11, 05:32 PM
Eh, I'm not really the relationship type anyway. If I stick it out for a few more months, the problem might solve itself. If I get accepted to a far away grad school and rejected nearby, we'll have to break up, and I won't look like a jerk for doing it. :-p
What the hell. You are joking right? otherwise you would look like a real jerk.
if you are being serious, then dump her right now. she can make pancakes for someone a little less selfish.
micromass
Oct4-11, 05:38 PM
Eh, I'm not really the relationship type anyway. If I stick it out for a few more months, the problem might solve itself. If I get accepted to a far away grad school and rejected nearby, we'll have to break up, and I won't look like a jerk for doing it. :-p
Who's playing games now?? You don't love her and you want to dump her. But instead of being honest to her, you start playing games and stuff. Not to mention that you posted a private conversation between you and your gf to strangers on the internet. I would be heavily insulted if I were your gf.
I suggest you stay as far away from girls as possible.
nucleargirl
Oct4-11, 05:39 PM
A little more effort? I just spent almost 14 hours with her. Surely that's enough.
If it feels like a chore for you to spend time with her, then there is something wrong with your relationship.
DaveC426913
Oct4-11, 06:46 PM
So people ... are all those crazy meters still going off - on her? :approve:
Jimmy Snyder
Oct4-11, 08:04 PM
You do have a choice, but you will definitely choose wrong. For example, when you chose not to have breakfast, the multiverse split in two directions, you are living in one of them. Here is a glimpse into that other universe.
Her: Let me know about breakfast cause I'll need to take stuff out of the freezer tonight
You: I'd love to have breakfast. Thanks
Her: You only love me for my cooking. I won't offer anything ever again
You: ?
Her: ?
You: I don't understand why you're mad. You don't have to make me breakfast.
Her: I'm not mad. That is not the point I know I don't have to cook breakfast. I find it rude if someone is doing something nice for you to take advantage of them. Like I said, I won't offer
You: I didn't know I didn't have a choice in the matter. If I wasn't allowed to accept breakfast, you should have told me
Her: U always have a choice, u just chose wrong. U can always do what u want. I was being nice.
You: I was going to wake up an extra hour early just so you can be nice. I don't think I chose wrong
Her: Ok ttyl
You do have a choice, but you will definitely choose wrong. For example, when you chose not to have breakfast, the multiverse split in two directions, you are living in one of them. Here is a glimpse into that other universe.
And then there is "EVIL" Universe
You: Are you making me breakfast in the morning?
Her: I am not making breakfast for you in the morning.
You: I'd love you to make me breakfast. It would be great.
Her: I am not making breakfast and thats it. OK. Got it.
You: ?
Her: ?
You: I don't understand why you're mad. You don't have to make me breakfast then.
Her: I'm not mad. That is not the point I know I don't have to cook breakfast. I find it rude for you to take advantage of them. Like I said, I won't do it.
You: I didn't know you had a choice in the matter. If I wasn't allowed to eat breakfast, you should have told me
Her: I always have a choice, u just chose wrong. U can always do what u want.
You: I was going to wake up an extra hour early just so you can be nice. I don't think I chose wrong
Her: Ok ttyl
micromass
Oct4-11, 09:02 PM
Or the way it should have been:
Her: Let me know about breakfast cause I'll need to take stuff out of the freezer tonight
Me: I'd love some breakfast. Thanks for being so nice to me
Her: I love you, Pumpkin
Me: I love you, Hunny bunny
autodidude
Oct4-11, 09:56 PM
haha @ the conversations in parallel universes
but yeah, overreaction in my opinion. i'd be like 'fwaaaaah?!'
did she seem pissed off BEFORE offering? was there any hit of sarcasm in her voice?
Pengwuino
Oct4-11, 10:24 PM
Eh, I'm not really the relationship type anyway. If I stick it out for a few more months, the problem might solve itself. If I get accepted to a far away grad school and rejected nearby, we'll have to break up, and I won't look like a jerk for doing it. :-p
What? Ok, so they say opposites attract, but it sounds like you're both jerks. Are you both children?
So people ... are all those crazy meters still going off - on her? :approve:Yep. His feelings, or lack of, for her right now doesn't change her going psycho on him about breakfast.
Greg Bernhardt
Oct4-11, 11:57 PM
Alright, so my girlfriend and I are planning to go to the Renaissance Fair tomorrow morning. I'd leave my house around 8:30 and pick her up at 9. She offered to cook me breakfast tomorrow morning before we leave, but I declined, since I'd already be waking up at 8am as it is, and I don't want to wake up even earlier.
I'm not saying she didn't overreact, but there was one glaring mistake you made given the dialogue you provided us. When you declined her you neither gave a comforting reason why (only later, and by then it was useless) nor praised her thoughtful idea ("thanks anyway" is not proper praise). You claim to have good dating experience but you have not learned this skill and still think being logical matters or winning an argument matters. It doesn't. The rest of the dialogue was her being reactionary and hurt. We've all acted like that. She might have been excited to do something nice for you and you just shot her down coldly. I'm not suggesting you play any games, it's just about being thoughtful towards people you're supposed to care about and learning how to show that even when you decline them something. You could have also after giving a comforting reason and praise, suggested a different date she could cook you breakfast and how much you are looking forward to it. There were so many things you could have said, so many!
I'm not saying she didn't overreact, but there was one glaring mistake you made given the dialogue you provided us. When you declined her you neither gave a comforting reason why (only later, and by then it was useless) nor praised her thoughtful idea ("thanks anyway" is not proper praise). You claim to have good dating experience but you have not learned this skill and still think being logical matters or winning an argument matters. It doesn't. The rest of the dialogue was her being reactionary and hurt. We've all acted like that. She might have been excited to do something nice for you and you just shot her down coldly. I'm not suggesting you play any games, it's just about being thoughtful towards people you're supposed to care about and learning how to show that even when you decline them something. You could have also after giving a comforting reason and praise, suggested a different date she could cook you breakfast and how much you are looking forward to it. There were so many things you could have said, so many!
Similar to when you ask a girl out for the first time, but she's not interested at all and politely declines your offer with some excuse, and sometimes no chance for meeting again in the future :tongue2:
To the OP - I think you may have a fundamental problem of communication in your relationship. That exchange reminds me of something that would have happened with an old girl-friend of mind. Basically we weren't on the same page about how to spend time together. Her expectation was that we spent every possible moment together regardless of the difficulty (and did as much together as possible, eat, etc). My expectation was that she was a very high priority in my life, but there were times when I needed time to myself or with other friends. She was an old high school friend and lived about 2hr away, so travelling after work (and again before work) wasn't totally trivial. This also factored into going down there to eat sometimes at 8p or 9p if I got off of work late - creating similar situations to yours above.
I call her on my way leaving work, I've already texted her earlier stating what time I expected to leave (so that wasn't an issue)
Her (at 8pm, I'm just leaving work): Want me to make dinner?
Me: Na, I'll grab something quick now.
Her: You don't like what I'm making?
Me: No, it's already way past dinner time and I'm hungry now!
I later found out that this really annoyed her, she expected to be able to provide a meal for me at times like this. Knowing this type of situation exists, with my future girlfriends (and now wife) I was able to identify this communications mismatch. I've basically solved it with the following:
Her: Want me to make you food?
Me: Are you going to be insulted if I say no? I'm really hungry now and it will be 2 hours before food is ready at your place.
Her: Oh, no problem - I will make food for myself and see you when you get here.
I think it's already been echo'd here - but learning to give your reasons immediately can be a success. Your current GF may be a little off her rocker if this is a continuing fight, but you have to understand that you basically just rejected her offer to provide something for you and reasoning after doesn't mitigate the hurt already caused. If she got over it immediately and didn't hold it against you, then I wouldn't worry about it so much. Learning each others methods for communication takes time and isn't always automatic.
It might be appropriate to look at this in an entirely objective way, and recognise that it is an evolutionary mechanism by which a female checks the committment of males to her, and, thus by implication, her offspring. She needs to be confident that you will put her needs, and the needs of your offspring, before your own. Females appears to be unaware that they are even doing this.
Given the ease with which the male may go off to find another mate which may leave the female in a highly vulnerable situation, it is not unreasonable that the 'testing' is asymmetric. It is a proxy test to see if you are prepared to drop what you are doing to attend to her and your progeny.
It is therefore always a 'set-up' job that you can only either complete to a 'satisfactory' or 'fail' status. There is no good outcome! It is a 'false test' in that regard as it is only intended to be a facimile of 'required committment' that she would demand in the future, after succesful mating.
Summary; it was a dress-rehearsal for family life, and [to her standards] you flunked.
DaveC426913
Oct5-11, 08:35 AM
Summary; it was a dress-rehearsal for family life, and [to her standards] you flunked.
Yes. Unfortunately, I suspect that's exactly what many people are hypothesizing - which may be what's activating alarm bells.
The other side of the coin is: if you want a smooth relationship. don't over-dramatize incidents more than necessary. Sometimes breakfast is just breakfast.
Maybe she was suffering from PMS!
DaveC426913
Oct5-11, 01:20 PM
Yep. His feelings, or lack of, for her right now doesn't change her going psycho on him about breakfast.Sure it does.
Likely this isn't the first time he's been a (self-professed) jerk to her. Maybe she's almost fed up.
You have to concede that trying to (second-hand) analyze the actions of an almost fed up person - as told by the one doing the exacerbating - and in an otherwise in a vacuum of context - certainly lends itself to a biased assessment of who's nuts and who isn't.
Would you be convinced that Richard Dawkins is nuts, based on a ten line text exchange - with no other context - that Billy Graham posted? (Ooh. Except the subject line reading "Dawkins is crazy") Sure, that's not biased...
Sure it does.
Likely this isn't the first time he's been a (self-professed) jerk to her. Maybe she's almost fed up.
You have to concede that trying to (second-hand) analyze the actions of an almost fed up person - as told by the one doing the exacerbating - and in an otherwise in a vacuum of context - certainly lends itself to a biased assessment of who's nuts and who isn't.
Would you be convinced that Richard Dawkins is nuts, based on a ten line text exchange - with no other context - that Billy Graham posted? (Ooh. Except the subject line reading "Dawkins is crazy") Sure, that's not biased...It would depend if Dawkin's offered to make breakfast. :wink:
I've known many girls/women that displayed this exact behavior, and they all were *nutty*. So, I'm just going by my personal experience of knowing too many of these types. Known a few men that were similar too.
Jack21222
Oct5-11, 01:36 PM
It might be appropriate to look at this in an entirely objective way, and recognise that it is an evolutionary mechanism by which a female checks the committment of males to her, and, thus by implication, her offspring. She needs to be confident that you will put her needs, and the needs of your offspring, before your own. Females appears to be unaware that they are even doing this.
Given the ease with which the male may go off to find another mate which may leave the female in a highly vulnerable situation, it is not unreasonable that the 'testing' is asymmetric. It is a proxy test to see if you are prepared to drop what you are doing to attend to her and your progeny.
It is therefore always a 'set-up' job that you can only either complete to a 'satisfactory' or 'fail' status. There is no good outcome! It is a 'false test' in that regard as it is only intended to be a facimile of 'required committment' that she would demand in the future, after succesful mating.
Summary; it was a dress-rehearsal for family life, and [to her standards] you flunked.
Well, she DID almost break up with me when I opined that I wished I was sterile, and that I can't see myself ever wanting kids (though I did offer the caveat that I can't predict the future and if I changed my mind it wouldn't be the first time on the subject). You might be on to something there.
Maybe she was suffering from PMS!
No, that should be next week.
Well you're quite obviously the wrong type of jerk and/or generally not smooth enough.
Your first response to her had a ".. and by the way I totally don't care that you even would make me breakfast at all, also I don't care enough to give you a reason." swinging with it.
My girlfriend would get upset about the way answered too. The answer "Sorry I really don't want to get up that early because *insert a reason, like you're grumpy when you get up early or you want to get enough sleep before a long day*, but thanks for the offer" is no problem at all.
Thing is, no one wants a mushy feely-touchy guy, but when you are stating your interests (sleeping longer) while showing that you at least understand the spirit of the offer is often a diplomatic and smooth way to handle the subject. I'm generally quite rude and a jerk in general but you can't be like this AND be stonecold AND expect it to work. Every jerk needs at least a bit of diplomatic skills with women that are not all into being exploited.
Also announcing the time of her period in public may not do any actual damage, but doing something like that with my privacy would make me furious to say the least.
It might be appropriate to look at this in an entirely objective way
Objective and women don't work.
(With excuses to those women who are outliers.)
DaveC426913
Oct16-11, 06:07 PM
Objective and women don't work.
(With excuses to those women who are outliers.)
Hm. Equal parts sexist and generalizing...
Well you're quite obviously the wrong type of jerk and/or generally not smooth enough.
Your first response to her had a ".. and by the way I totally don't care that you even would make me breakfast at all, also I don't care enough to give you a reason." swinging with it.
My girlfriend would get upset about the way answered too. The answer "Sorry I really don't want to get up that early because *insert a reason, like you're grumpy when you get up early or you want to get enough sleep before a long day*, but thanks for the offer" is no problem at all.
Thing is, no one wants a mushy feely-touchy guy, but when you are stating your interests (sleeping longer) while showing that you at least understand the spirit of the offer is often a diplomatic and smooth way to handle the subject. I'm generally quite rude and a jerk in general but you can't be like this AND be stonecold AND expect it to work. Every jerk needs at least a bit of diplomatic skills with women that are not all into being exploited.
Also announcing the time of her period in public may not do any actual damage, but doing something like that with my privacy would make me furious to say the least.I'm going to assume that you don't know much English and you don't realize that "jerk" is an insult. Don't use the word when refering to another member again.
I'm going to assume that you don't know much English and you don't realize that "jerk" is an insult. Don't use the word when refering to another member again.
As this characterization (with exactly that word) was used on this very page of the thread by an established and renowned forum member about a week ago without reprehension by a moderator, and is quite often used in American pop culture not as an insult but as a word for someone not very respecting of someone else's feeling but not actually damaging someone or something, I do not recognize this as an actual insult, no, even though I'm not entirely unfamiliar with the English language.
But I'll follow your advice.
Hm. Equal parts sexist and generalizing...
Most people are sexist in the sense that they acknowledge there's a difference between the sexes. I personally find it astounding that people want women in high position claiming full equality of the sexes, and at the same time claim that 'a women's touch' to leadership is beneficial to an organization. Note, I'm not against anything, but at least get your assumptions right.
Don't blame me for things you probably assume yourself.
dacruick
Oct17-11, 09:39 AM
Look at it from her side.
She wanted to have breakfast together.
She looked forward to it and assumed you would like it too.
When you said no, she felt disappointed and perhaps a little rejected.
It doesn't really matter why you said no, she would still feel disappointed.
Explaining things rationally has little effect on feelings.
I think she needs to learn not to have too strong expectations.
And I don't think that for you there is really a "right way" to handle it.
Perhaps you could have been a little more diplomatic, considering how she may feel.
It certainly doesn't help to go defensive about it.
I agree with all of this except that explaining things rationally has little effect on feelings. Mr. OP, you probably should have given a nicer rejection. Something like, "Hey that's really sweet of you, but I'm feeling pretty tired tonight and I want to squeeze out every last ounce of sleep that I can get." Women in general I'd say want reinforcement. A lot of their esteem is based off of the exchange compliments and recognition. Thats why they're in a relationship with you, and as stupid as it sounds, its just the way it is. Even you telling her how sweet she was would be enough for her to feel appreciated, which is all she really wants. She feels like you shrugged off her gesture, which you did, and now shes upset. This type of thing has been a problem in a few of my relationships, as I find it hard to deal with large gaps in sensitivity between my girlfriends and I.
DaveC426913
Oct17-11, 12:31 PM
Most people are sexist
Don't blame me for things you probably assume yourself.
And ... another two generalizations.
maggiemaeu
Oct19-11, 07:46 PM
okay, how many women are responding here? men tend to think in the opposite direction women do. she most likely wanted to sleep in, too, and think about what she would have done for you. laboring over eggs and waffles:biggrin: thinking all the while that shes sweating into her breakfast for you. :!!):!!):yuck::rofl:
ps i am female and duh we're crazy!:devil:teehee
okay, how many women are responding here? men tend to think in the opposite direction women do. she most likely wanted to sleep in, too, and think about what she would have done for you. laboring over eggs and waffles:biggrin: thinking all the while that shes sweating into her breakfast for you. :!!):!!):yuck::rofl:
ps i am female and duh we're crazy!:devil:teeheeI am female and I take offense at your post's insinuation. (nothing personal) Women are not by default ditzy and emotionally unstable, and I dislike the negative stereotype.
DaveC426913
Oct19-11, 10:09 PM
I am female and I take offense at your post's insinuation. (nothing personal) Women are not by default ditzy and emotionally unstable, and I dislike the negative stereotype.
I have no idea what the insinuation was. Not sure what parts are sincere and what parts are sarcastic.
maggiemaeu
Oct20-11, 07:12 AM
I am female and I take offense at your post's insinuation. (nothing personal) Women are not by default ditzy and emotionally unstable, and I dislike the negative stereotype.
whoa, whoa. not like that. no insults intended, it was supposed to be all in good fun. i mean, who isn't crazy these days? in some way. again, meant in a harmless way. being crazy could mean being creative. crazy is a compliment!:blushing:
And ... another two generalizations.
Bull, I claimed that most people are sexist in the sense that they accept there are differences between the sexes. That's not even a generalization, since I didn't claim everyone is sexist, and I think I can rightfully claim so.
The question is: Do you think there's a difference between the sexes?
(My personal opinion is that the sexes have equal rights, but are different. I just don't fret on it.)
DaveC426913
Oct20-11, 01:54 PM
Bull, I claimed that most people are sexist in the sense that they accept there are differences between the sexes. That's not even a generalization
You're right, it's not. It's not even sexist. It's simply saying that most people are thoughtful about the subject. So why would you label that as 'sexist'?
You're right, it's not. It's not even sexist. It's simply saying that most people are thoughtful about the subject. So why would you label that as 'sexist'?
I live in a 'feminine' society. The double standards annoy me, so whenever I feel something is 'sexist,' I'll rather label it such and face it directly.
DaveC426913
Oct20-11, 02:08 PM
I live in a 'feminine' society. The double standards annoy me, so whenever I feel something is 'sexist,' I'll rather label it such and face it directly.
But it isn't sexist.
"...most people ... accept there are differences between the sexes" is not a sexist statement.
whoa, whoa. not like that. no insults intended, it was supposed to be all in good fun. i mean, who isn't crazy these days? in some way. again, meant in a harmless way. being crazy could mean being creative. crazy is a compliment!:blushing:
Ok, I over-reacted. I just am the world's most boring person, there isn't a wild and crazy cell in my body. My idea of cutting loose and going crazy is buying a roasting chicken that's not on sale.
But it isn't sexist.
I agree, in the sense that 'sexist' usually also implies superiority. But I am strict egalitarian, labeling things 'sexist,' exposes the double standards often used; I have no other labels to use for that, since 'feminist,' is usually a positive label.
Astronuc
Oct20-11, 06:16 PM
Ok, I over-reacted. I just am the world's most boring person, there isn't a wild and crazy cell in my body. My idea of cutting loose and going crazy is buying a roasting chicken that's not on sale. You're just very creative. :biggrin:
I actually may be more boring.
maggiemaeu
Oct20-11, 09:25 PM
Ok, I over-reacted. I just am the world's most boring person, there isn't a wild and crazy cell in my body. My idea of cutting loose and going crazy is buying a roasting chicken that's not on sale.
oh, thank goodness. i've been getting lots of bad comments telling me i did something wrong. maybe its just because i (in theory) haven't the slightest idea what i'm doing.
and the chicken thing isn't that bad:smile:very creative, though.
:wink:
maggiemaeu
Oct20-11, 09:31 PM
by the by this woman in question seems like the bad side of crazy. took the overreaction thing to a whole new level. i mean, how are waffles that important? she was spending the whole day with him. i couldn't wait to leave my ex's house-hence ex.
DaveC426913
Oct20-11, 10:47 PM
...i mean, how are waffles that important?Kind of missing the point. As did the OP.
If one is going to spend an hour making breakfast for someone, and then gets blown off, it's not about the waffles.
Jack21222
Oct21-11, 05:43 AM
We have way too many communication breakdowns.
She has been pestering me to see the new Twilight movie when it comes out. I have no interest in it, and have repeatedly told her no, and that I'm sure one of her friends and fellow Twilight fans would see it with her. So last night, she started asking me to go again. I must have told her no 10 times last night. Eventually, she got quiet and we continued watching the TV show. After a few minutes of silence, she walks upstairs and lays down in her bed without saying a word.
After she's not back in 10 minutes and it's time for me to leave (I had a lab report to write last night, due today), I go up and see her laying in her bed, and I assume that she did that because she was mad about the Twilight thing. This puts me in a foul mood, and I don't give her a goodnight kiss before I leave. She texted me after I got home and asked if something has been bothering me, to which I responded that her continuously bugging me about Twilight, and then running upstairs without saying a word is bothering me.
She responds this morning with a 5 page text message explaining that her back pain was acting up and that's why she left. And she wasn't mad about Twilight, she was just teasing me. So now, I feel like a jerk for not comforting her when she was in pain, but to be fair, she gave me no indication that that's why she went to bed. She could have said something as she was leaving. And the way she was talking about seeing Twilight sure didn't feel like teasing; it sounded like she was being serious and getting seriously upset about it.
So, I don't know. We just don't know how to communicate with one another, I guess.
We have way too many communication breakdowns.
She has been pestering me to see the new Twilight movie when it comes out. I have no interest in it, and have repeatedly told her no, and that I'm sure one of her friends and fellow Twilight fans would see it with her. So last night, she started asking me to go again. I must have told her no 10 times last night. Eventually, she got quiet and we continued watching the TV show. After a few minutes of silence, she walks upstairs and lays down in her bed without saying a word.
After she's not back in 10 minutes and it's time for me to leave (I had a lab report to write last night, due today), I go up and see her laying in her bed, and I assume that she did that because she was mad about the Twilight thing. This puts me in a foul mood, and I don't give her a goodnight kiss before I leave. She texted me after I got home and asked if something has been bothering me, to which I responded that her continuously bugging me about Twilight, and then running upstairs without saying a word is bothering me.
She responds this morning with a 5 page text message explaining that her back pain was acting up and that's why she left. And she wasn't mad about Twilight, she was just teasing me. So now, I feel like a jerk for not comforting her when she was in pain, but to be fair, she gave me no indication that that's why she went to bed. She could have said something as she was leaving. And the way she was talking about seeing Twilight sure didn't feel like teasing; it sounded like she was being serious and getting seriously upset about it.
So, I don't know. We just don't know how to communicate with one another, I guess.
Oh that's way, way too much drama.
If it's not too personal - how old are you both? And is this the first serious relationship for either of you?
micromass
Oct21-11, 09:27 AM
If it means so much to her, just go see the movie. You should make some sacrafices for the people you love. Seeing a stupid movie is one of them.
nucleargirl
Oct21-11, 10:12 AM
Yeah, its about compromise. if something mean that much to her, and she wants to share it with you, then just go along and try to enjoy it for her sake! you shouldn't assume you know what she's thinking either - if you are not sure why she went upstairs, ask her whats bothering HER. It seems you always just think about what you want, and think the worst of her. She doesn't sounds crazy at all, if anything, she sounds like she's in love with you and wants to spend all her time doing things with you. You could have it so much worse! you should treat her better and appreciate her more.
micromass
Oct21-11, 10:13 AM
you should treat her better and appreciate her more.
Quoted for truth
nucleargirl
Oct21-11, 10:15 AM
and its really not very good of you to complain about her and call her crazy behind her back... I think, if you don't start appreciating her, eventually she will leave you. And then you will regret it.
dacruick
Oct21-11, 10:41 AM
In all fairness to the OP, I would never ever go see twilight. Its made specifically for teenage girls.
And Jack, she wasn't teasing you about twilight. She really wanted to go see it with you, and that IS why she went up to bed. She thought about it and realized that she was being kind of silly so she decided that it wasn't worth it. She told you that she was teasing you because thats how she feels about it now. I think she realized that she might be too sensitive sometimes and wants to try to see it your way, and not take things so personally. I don't really have information to back all/any of this up, but it's just an opinion:)
DaveC426913
Oct21-11, 10:45 AM
Oh that's way, way too much drama.
(Post went missing. If it was deleted deliberately, then my mistake for reposting)
Whereas in the first scenario we at least had a verbatim account of the text exchange, in this case, we are getting only one (highly subjective) side of the story. It is doubtful that Jack would deliberately reveal his own culpability. It is even more doubtful that he realizes (like all of us, no offense intended Jack) that he might have some culpability.
So, the only answer I can give is that none of us can judge the scenario objectively.
Jack, you should know better than to post your side of the story and then expect to get anything other than what you want to hear.
She responds this morning with a 5 page text message explaining that her back pain was acting up and that's why she left. And she wasn't mad about Twilight, she was just teasing me. So now, I feel like a jerk for not comforting her when she was in pain, ....
Ooh, she's good!
You should redeem yourself and not only go see the Twilight movie with her, but pay for it!
Jack21222
Oct21-11, 09:49 PM
Oh that's way, way too much drama.
If it's not too personal - how old are you both? And is this the first serious relationship for either of you?
She's 27, I'm 28. It's her second relationship of any kind, and it's my 6th or 7th serious relationship.
If it means so much to her, just go see the movie. You should make some sacrafices for the people you love. Seeing a stupid movie is one of them.
See, I disagree that that's what relationships are about. I shouldn't have to do anything I really don't want to do, and neither should she. She has friends she can see the movie with, she does not need to drag me along. I think it's rather rude of her to keep pestering me about this when it's clear I'm not interested. Why would she want me to have a bad time? What kind of sadist does that?
Yeah, its about compromise. if something mean that much to her, and she wants to share it with you, then just go along and try to enjoy it for her sake! you shouldn't assume you know what she's thinking either - if you are not sure why she went upstairs, ask her whats bothering HER. It seems you always just think about what you want, and think the worst of her. She doesn't sounds crazy at all, if anything, she sounds like she's in love with you and wants to spend all her time doing things with you. You could have it so much worse! you should treat her better and appreciate her more.
Sometimes, I think I could have it so much better and just be alone.
and its really not very good of you to complain about her and call her crazy behind her back... I think, if you don't start appreciating her, eventually she will leave you. And then you will regret it.
Here's hoping.
MathematicalPhysicist
Oct22-11, 12:43 AM
Alright, so my girlfriend and I are planning to go to the Renaissance Fair tomorrow morning. I'd leave my house around 8:30 and pick her up at 9. She offered to cook me breakfast tomorrow morning before we leave, but I declined, since I'd already be waking up at 8am as it is, and I don't want to wake up even earlier.
Anyway, now she's mad at me. I feel as if I did nothing wrong, and she's just being crazy. She probably feels as if I'm being an unreasonable jerk, and that she did nothing wrong.
So, am I a jerk, or is she crazy? Here is the exact text message exchange:
Please advise.
I believe it's the time of the month when they get their monthly period.
nucleargirl
Oct22-11, 05:09 AM
Sometimes, I think I could have it so much better and just be alone.
Here's hoping.
Argh!!!! ~Just break up with her!!!!! and 6 or 7th relationship??!! stop hurting people!!!!
Selfish! Leave girls alone!
Argh!!!! ~Just break up with her!!!!! and 6 or 7th relationship??!! stop hurting people!!!!
Selfish! Leave girls alone!
Don't know whether the guy is selfish, but relying on other people to solve 'problems' he imagines are there is plain stupid and doesn't show a lot of respect to the other party.
Jack21222
Oct22-11, 06:16 AM
Don't know whether the guy is selfish, but relying on other people to solve 'problems' he imagines are there is plain stupid and doesn't show a lot of respect to the other party.
Man, people here are not going to understand your subjectively colored version of whatever happens between two persons on this world, and I find you an idiot for assuming such. Go see a therapist, or mommy, if you think there's anything to talk about and learn to solve your own problems.
What? Relying on other people to solve problems? Where in this thread am I asking anybody to solve any of my problems? I asked for an interpretation of a text exchange, that's far different than asking anybody to "solve a problem." The rest of my posts are general griping, and not a solicitation of advice. Besides, this subforum is basically dedicated to asking for advice. So your post is tantamount to a call for the subforum to be shut down.
Your most might be the most ridiculous I've seen here in a week, and that's including any number of crackpot posts on S&D.
Argh!!!! ~Just break up with her!!!!! and 6 or 7th relationship??!! stop hurting people!!!!
Selfish! Leave girls alone!
I might break up with her soon, if she doesn't break up with me. It's just difficult because she's a friend of the family, and I'll have to deal with a bunch of family drama when I do. I met this girl about 15 years ago, and our parents are close.
You really think 6 or 7 relationships is too much? I've been dating for over 10 years now, that's less than one relationship per year.
Nice example, simple, silly but real. An don't think it's that rear. Communication among people would work much better if people would be saying what they feel all along. If she asked "honey, I'd like us to have breakfast together" you too would probably reply differently, like "sure darling, since I see how much you'd like that" or "darling, if OK to you I'd rather skip it this time to sleep one hour longer"...
It could still go wrong, but when feelings are better expressed understanding increases and disappointments lessen.
An advice I too often forget it ;)
nucleargirl
Oct22-11, 04:01 PM
She's 27, I'm 28. It's her second relationship of any kind, and it's my 6th or 7th serious relationship.
See, I disagree that that's what relationships are about. I shouldn't have to do anything I really don't want to do, and neither should she. She has friends she can see the movie with, she does not need to drag me along. I think it's rather rude of her to keep pestering me about this when it's clear I'm not interested. Why would she want me to have a bad time? What kind of sadist does that?
Sometimes, I think I could have it so much better and just be alone.
I think you have an unrealistic view of relationships maybe. Relationships are all about give and take, and communication about what you each want. Two people will never get long perfectly, but you love each other and that makes you want to be together. but being together will result in conflicts of interest, and thats when compromise should happen.
She doesn't want you to have a bad time at the movies, maybe she knows you won't enjoy the film, but you should want to be with her, and being with her and seeing her happy should make up for sitting through a bad film. And vice versa when you want to take her to a football game or whatever. same with gettin up an hour early to have breakfast together, the eating together and having her cook for you because she loves you, should make up for having an hour less of sleep. It should feel like its worth it. if it doesnt, then either your expectations of what a relationship should be like needs evaluating, or you just don't love her enough. only you will know which it is.
(and I think she especially wants to see twilight with YOU because you are her boyfriend - twilight makes girls feel romantic, when she feels romantic she wants YOU to be next to her, so she can hug you and feel all protected with your arm around her shoulder etc. Do you really want her to be seeing a romantic film with another guy? and she wouldn't have as much fun with her girlfriends cos she cant make out with them, can she?)
nucleargirl
Oct22-11, 04:12 PM
You really think 6 or 7 relationships is too much? I've been dating for over 10 years now, that's less than one relationship per year.
*sigh*... its not about how many you've had over how long, its about how many hearts you've broken. You should go into each serious relationship with the ideal of getting married and living together for life. When a relationship doesn't work out, at least one side is probably quite hurt, and that affects the next relationship you get into. I don't know why its not working out for you, but perhaps you should think about whether you want to be with another person for life, and if so, what may be going wrong to cause all of those to not work out.
nucleargirl
Oct22-11, 04:29 PM
I might break up with her soon, if she doesn't break up with me. It's just difficult because she's a friend of the family, and I'll have to deal with a bunch of family drama when I do. I met this girl about 15 years ago, and our parents are close.
do you really love her or are you just with her because you have known her for ages and you feel comfortble with her? Are you afraid to break up because you actually care for her and don't want to be without her, or are you just scared of looking bad in front of your family?
Sounds to me like she obviously loves you! So if you still want to be with her, then don't be afraid to give more than you get, if you know she would like something, then do that. If she really loves you, the more you give, the more you will get back.
You can start by booking tickets to twilight when she is free, pick her up, buy her popcorn and candy, put your arm around her during the romantic bits (or if you can't tell, do it when she puts her head on your shoulder), kiss her head, and tell her she's prettier than Bella after the movie! :p
*sigh*... its not about how many you've had over how long, its about how many hearts you've broken. You should go into each serious relationship with the ideal of getting married and living together for life. When a relationship doesn't work out, at least one side is probably quite hurt, and that affects the next relationship you get into. I don't know why its not working out for you, but perhaps you should think about whether you want to be with another person for life, and if so, what may be going wrong to cause all of those to not work out.Bolding mine - YIKES! I thought he'd only been dating this girl for 3 months? Is this a different relationship?
nucleargirl
Oct22-11, 04:34 PM
oh! I thought they had been together for much longer than that. either way, the principle still stands! not talking about casual dating or anything like that. For serious dating, I think both people should be looking for a life-long partner, even from the start.
Kind of missing the point. As did the OP.
If one is going to spend an hour making breakfast for someone, and then gets blown off, it's not about the waffles.Whoa, she didn't spend any time doing anything, it didn't even get to the point of planning because she just sprung the idea on him and he said no upfront. That's why it's so crazy.
If they had agreed to it and she had gone shopping for ingredients and had done prep work and then he cancelled on her the night before, that might make her reaction a bit less crazy, not much, but a bit.
oh! I thought they had been together for much longer than that. either way, the principle still stands! not talking about casual dating or anything like that. For serious dating, I think both people should be looking for a life-long partner, even from the start.Yes, I agree if it's a serious relationship. I'd missed the past couple of pages and I thought I missed another discussion. :biggrin:
6/7 "serious relationship" in 10 years! :surprised
... these threads make me feel bad about myself :blushing:
billiards
Oct22-11, 05:09 PM
It's clear as day that something's broken and he's not interested at all in fixing it.
My conclusion: he doesn't like her. Why bother yourself to do anything you don't want to do if the prize is undesired?
DaveC426913
Oct22-11, 07:12 PM
Whoa, she didn't spend any time doing anything,
I said "going to".
Obviously she had "invested" in the idea and was looking forward to it.
DaveC426913
Oct22-11, 07:14 PM
It's clear as day that something's broken and he's not interested at all in fixing it.
My conclusion: he doesn't like her. Why bother yourself to do anything you don't want to do if the prize is undesired?
Agreed. He has as much as said so more than once.
Which raises the question: why did he post here? Hoping to get support, so he can dump her without guilt?
Jack21222
Oct22-11, 10:37 PM
Agreed. He has as much as said so more than once.
Which raises the question: why did he post here? Hoping to get support, so he can dump her without guilt?
I posted here initially because I was fairly stunned by the text exchange. That was the second of five stupid arguments we had in a short time span. My mood in this thread reflects my mood as the relationship was deteriorating, and not my mood at the beginning when I made the first post.
We had another stupid argument tonight, and afterwards, had a long (2+ hour) talk about the direction of the relationship and the arguments we have been having this past month. We seem to have come to the conclusion that we have too many fundamental differences in our outlook of relationships, plus the fact that I will likely be moving out of state for grad school next fall, and agreed that we should probably break up, but stopped short of making that official. It was getting late, and we agreed to pick up the discussion tomorrow.
Thing is, things were going very well for the first 3 months of the relationship, but month 4 has been really rough. I did fall in love with this girl, and I still really like her as a person. I just don't think I like her as a girlfriend. But, if you had asked me that a month ago, I would have told you that I loved her as a girlfriend.
This wasn't me just stringing her along for months at a time as some sort of cruel joke. I was honestly hoping that things would somehow turn around on their own with a return to the state things were in a month ago, but it never happened.
I posted here initially because I was fairly stunned by the text exchange. That was the second of five stupid arguments we had in a short time span. My mood in this thread reflects my mood as the relationship was deteriorating, and not my mood at the beginning when I made the first post.
We had another stupid argument tonight, and afterwards, had a long (2+ hour) talk about the direction of the relationship and the arguments we have been having this past month. We seem to have come to the conclusion that we have too many fundamental differences in our outlook of relationships, plus the fact that I will likely be moving out of state for grad school next fall, and agreed that we should probably break up, but stopped short of making that official. It was getting late, and we agreed to pick up the discussion tomorrow.
Thing is, things were going very well for the first 3 months of the relationship, but month 4 has been really rough. I did fall in love with this girl, and I still really like her as a person. I just don't think I like her as a girlfriend. But, if you had asked me that a month ago, I would have told you that I loved her as a girlfriend.
This wasn't me just stringing her along for months at a time as some sort of cruel joke. I was honestly hoping that things would somehow turn around on their own with a return to the state things were in a month ago, but it never happened.
I think you have approached this honestly and rationally. Something that is much too rare, IMO.
I don't understand why people think decisions in relationships have to be irrational and emotionally charged. Or that you have to fake your feelings, or put them aside to give someone a false sense of security. That is so emotionally unhealthy for anyone, IMO.
micromass
Oct22-11, 10:53 PM
I posted here initially because I was fairly stunned by the text exchange. That was the second of five stupid arguments we had in a short time span. My mood in this thread reflects my mood as the relationship was deteriorating, and not my mood at the beginning when I made the first post.
We had another stupid argument tonight, and afterwards, had a long (2+ hour) talk about the direction of the relationship and the arguments we have been having this past month. We seem to have come to the conclusion that we have too many fundamental differences in our outlook of relationships, plus the fact that I will likely be moving out of state for grad school next fall, and agreed that we should probably break up, but stopped short of making that official. It was getting late, and we agreed to pick up the discussion tomorrow.
Thing is, things were going very well for the first 3 months of the relationship, but month 4 has been really rough. I did fall in love with this girl, and I still really like her as a person. I just don't think I like her as a girlfriend. But, if you had asked me that a month ago, I would have told you that I loved her as a girlfriend.
This wasn't me just stringing her along for months at a time as some sort of cruel joke. I was honestly hoping that things would somehow turn around on their own with a return to the state things were in a month ago, but it never happened.
The bolded text places her actions into more context, I wish you said that from the very beginning. Obviously, she feels threatened in the relationship and she is afraid of losing you. When you reject going to the movies with her or having breakfast with her, then she might take it as a rejection of her personally. Don't you understand that she loves you and doesn't want to lose you?? She might seem to ask irrational and crazy, but that's just superficial. In reality she acts that way because of a fear of losing you
Not all people are equal. Some people acts differently than others. I, personally, am an extremely emotional person. If my girlfriend were to be in love with another person then I would feel very insecure. I would probably react the same way a your girlfriend did: by being angry at stupid things. I know that this will drive us further apart, but it's really hard to stop it.
You both need to make (or had to make) an effort to make the relationship work. You had to talk with eachother. You had to let her express her fears and desires, and you had to acts accordingly (which does not mean giving in to every demand of hers!!). When she was lying upset on her bed, then it would be best to go lie next to her and comfort her. Say that you love her and ask what the real reason is why she's upset. You will soon find out that it's not about the twilight movie at all!! There are deeper reasons that she might be afraid to tell you!! Talking with your partner could do so much. Don't assume you know your partner, let them do the story.
She does realize that her behavior is irrational, I can see this from what you describe. But she can't help it: it's in the heat of the moment. It is you responsibility (as a partner) to have a decent chat with her in order to understand your partner better. Talk about her past, her fears, her needs and what she basically expect of you. Don't judge her. Once you know more about her, then you can make the relationship work.
I understand that you cannot save your relationship anymore. You probably both realized it long before now. But do take this as a lesson for the future and try not to make the same mistake again.
micromass
Oct22-11, 11:00 PM
I think you have approached this honestly and rationally. Something that is much too rare, IMO.
Yeah, the title of the thread is "women are crazy". Very rational.
Saying that he has been rational and his gf is crazy is just wrong. If a relationship fails, then it's most likely two persons that failed, not one. I understand that it's better for his ego to describe his gf as crazy, but it's just lying. He did make mistakes and so did she. Acknowledging this fact and not making the mistakes again is the best thing to do here.
Whenever my relations failed, I always search for faults in the other person. She could have done this, and that. She was selfish and crazy, blablabla. But that doesn't get me anywhere. Sooner or later, I'm bound to realize that I'm much more to blame then the other. After all, my actions triggered actions with the others.
I have noticed a profound lack of self-criticism with Jack, and I don't like that attitude at all. I hope he does get to the fact where he starts evaluating his own actions and starts thinking where he went wrong. Your relationship might have failed, but at least you can learn something from it!!
Whenever my relations failed, I always search for faults in the other person. She could have done this, and that. She was selfish and crazy, blablabla. But that doesn't get me anywhere. Sooner or later, I'm bound to realize that I'm much more to blame then the other. After all, my actions triggered actions with the others.
Whenever your relations fail? Or when one of you realizes it's the wrong relationship?
Breaking up doesn't mean either person failed.
Edin_Dzeko
Nov4-11, 01:11 AM
hey, OP, is your girlfriend hot? :smile:. I bet she's really good looking. how tall is she?
Nano-Passion
Nov4-11, 01:20 AM
The problem can always be traced back to a lack of communication between both of you. The way you replied back was that you didn't care, if you instead would have chosen your words more carefully it would have went much smoother. And she wasn't able to pinpoint what bothered her and communicate it effectively.
Her: Let me know about breakfast cause I'll need to take stuff out of the freezer tonight
Me: I'll pass on breakfast. Thanks anyway
Her: Thanks alot I won't offer anything ever again
Me: Wait, what bothered you? I'm Confused
Her: whatever
Me: I'm sorry, is it because I sounded un-caring? You know I love you babe.. Its just that tomorrow morning isn't the best of time for me. Is there any other time we can spend together?
Her: <3 <3 <3
Profit
?
?
?
Edin_Dzeko
Nov4-11, 01:41 AM
The problem can always be traced back to a lack of communication between both of you. The way you replied back was that you didn't care, if you instead would have chosen your words more carefully it would have went much smoother. And she wasn't able to pinpoint what bothered her and communicate it effectively.
Profit
?
?
?
One, you don't know OP's girlfriend's personality to be able to correctly predict her response and reactions. All women are not the same. And you can't plug this "women want this or that" formula for every girl. Women aren't crazy. Text messaging is rather the real problem here. You just can never tell how the person means what they write. the OP's response might have been interpreted differently than was intended
Nano-Passion
Nov4-11, 08:25 PM
One, you don't know OP's girlfriend's personality to be able to correctly predict her response and reactions. All women are not the same. And you can't plug this "women want this or that" formula for every girl. Women aren't crazy. Text messaging is rather the real problem here. You just can never tell how the person means what they write. the OP's response might have been interpreted differently than was intended
It wasn't a prediction.. it was an example of practicing good communication.
Edin_Dzeko
Nov4-11, 09:16 PM
It wasn't a prediction.. it was an example of practicing good communication.
:rofl: you don't know his girl that well to "predict" accurately how she will react.
I loved your ending:
Me: I'm sorry, is it because I sounded un-caring? You know I love you babe.. Its just that tomorrow morning isn't the best of time for me. Is there any other time we can spend together?
Her: <3 <3 <3
Just classic.
But to stay on-topic. I don't think his girlfriend or women are crazy. I feel that the problem was simply a misunderstanding with the text messages. She misinterpreted what he intended.
DaveC426913
Nov4-11, 10:07 PM
:rofl: you don't know his girl that well to "predict" accurately how she will react.
Edin, not sure if you're being deliberately obtuse. Nano has made it clear he is showing an example of good communication.
Sociopathy and neuroses aside, most people in general react well to good communication. Even if a particular person does not react as expected, it is still the best practice.
(You can't predict that a mountain lion will roll over and let you rub its belly, but even you have to admit you have a good bet about how to behave around one.)
Nano-Passion
Nov5-11, 12:14 AM
Edin, not sure if you're being deliberately obtuse. Nano has made it clear he is showing an example of good communication.
I feel like he either always wants to pick a fallacious argument or is just trying to belittle any other statements.
Don't feed the troll.
:rofl: you don't know his girl that well to "predict" accurately how she will react.
I loved your ending:
Me: I'm sorry, is it because I sounded un-caring? You know I love you babe.. Its just that tomorrow morning isn't the best of time for me. Is there any other time we can spend together?
Her: <3 <3 <3
Just classic.
But to stay on-topic. I don't think his girlfriend or women are crazy. I feel that the problem was simply a misunderstanding with the text messages. She misinterpreted what he intended.
Edin, 99% of the conversations with you and I were ones of fallacious arguments (started by you). Take it easy a bit, if your going to pick an argument then put up a good one and for the love of sake read and try to interpret the opposition with an open mind. What you constantly do is pick a sentence, take it out of context, and try to argue it (and fail). That in itself is a fallacy, attacking an opposing statement does not make yours any more right.
At any rate, in my opinion it isn't a misinterpretation but a poor choice of words. If I asked my girlfriend to something that means a lot to me and she replied "na I'll pass", I would be furious as a result.
Edin_Dzeko
Nov5-11, 09:19 PM
Edin, not sure if you're being deliberately obtuse. Nano has made it clear he is showing an example of good communication.
Sociopathy and neuroses aside, most people in general react well to good communication. Even if a particular person does not react as expected, it is still the best practice.
(You can't predict that a mountain lion will roll over and let you rub its belly, but even you have to admit you have a good bet about how to behave around one.)
[1]Don't derail this thread Dave. It's not about me. My posts are on-topic and pertain to the matter. Debate my points. No personal attacks here, please
[2] Dave, text message doesn't equal very good communication. It's considered a disrespect to break up via text, quit your job via text etc., I told you the problem with text is that sometimes you can't really understand and accurately predict what the person is trying to tell you. Especially taking into consideration that text messaging = no grammar zone. It's hard to get what the person is trying to say. The problem with OP's case was that she misinterpreted his intention. He was even confused as to her reaction because he meant no harm at his reply. It was a simple no I wont eat because I wont have time to eat or something. OP was cleanly just turning down the offer. That has happened to me before. I was at a show and I got a text from a friend saying she's going to give me a call. I quickly texted, "no". She could have taken it in a hurtful manner but I didn't intend my "no" to be hurtful. I was just trying to send her a quick text in time so she wouldn't call and make my ringtone go off. Then I sent her another text explaining I'm at a show. I really use emoticons because I feel like that's the only way to let people know you're not mad, you're goofing off, you're being sarcastic, etc.,.
On-topic: The girlfriend's not crazy. It was just misinterpretation. That's my call. Second possibility would be she REALLY wanted him to come and eat. Like preparing something for someone and they're not as excited as you wanted them to be about it. OP could have simply explained that time was the reason why he turned the breakfast down.
Edin_Dzeko
Nov5-11, 09:35 PM
I feel like he either always wants to pick a fallacious argument or is just trying to belittle any other statements.
Don't feed the troll.
Edin, 99% of the conversations with you and I were ones of fallacious arguments (started by you). Take it easy a bit, if your going to pick an argument then put up a good one and for the love of sake read and try to interpret the opposition with an open mind. What you constantly do is pick a sentence, take it out of context, and try to argue it (and fail). That in itself is a fallacy, attacking an opposing statement does not make yours any more right.
At any rate, in my opinion it isn't a misinterpretation but a poor choice of words. If I asked my girlfriend to something that means a lot to me and she replied "na I'll pass", I would be furious as a result.
[1] Like I said to Dave. No personal attacks here. Just focus on the issue we are discussing. You wrote in another thread "I'm just looking for love". Completely uncalled for. Just expose these supposedly "fallacious" statements in my argument etc., I'm simply expressing my opinion why attack me, Nano? try and learn how to stay on-topic please.
[2] I'm a troll because I express my opinion and they challenge your points? C'mon. Don't derail a nice thread.
[3] It's not about right or "more right". Simply just express your opinion. I disagree with something so I need to express "WHY" I disagree. No such thing as a stupid question. No such thing as a stupid debate. Just express yourself. We all don't agree that's the beauty of human nature and the human mind. By take it easy, should I "go with the flow" and not challenge / question or voice out? Is that what you are telling me? I just seem to hold different views than "the norm" that's all. There were times where it was me vs. the class + teacher in debates. I just hold different views and I express it. No harm in being outspoken.
[4] Nano the poor choice of words is what would lead to the misinterpretation. The problem with the "na I'll pass" is that, HOW does she mean it? What kind of tone / face is she saying it with? You can't tell just by reading text. That wast he point I was trying to me make. Two things, misinterpretation or the girl really wanted him to come and eat her breakfast.
No more attacks etc., I like this forum and would like to continue expressing my opinions in discussions. Just debate and move on and stop complaining. If you've written something then you should be able to defend your stand. One thread was dying, and I've helped pushed it to like 2 pages :rolleyes: you need opinions like mine in matters. It helps. Now lets continue. OP please update us.
DaveC426913
Nov5-11, 11:12 PM
[1] Like I said to Dave. No personal attacks here. Just focus on the issue we are discussing.There is a difference between attacking a person and attacking a bad argument.
You are missing the point of Nano's post(s). That does not help your case and is needlessly argumentative.
[2] I'm a troll because I express my opinion and they challenge your points?
But you're not challenging his points, you're missing them and arguing for the sake of argument.
You are producing noise in an otherwise productive thread.
Now, take a moment to go back and read Nano's post and then read both our responses about where you missed the point.
Or not. Because I still think you're just arguing for the sake of it, and that doesn't really interest me.
Nano-Passion
Nov6-11, 10:54 AM
[1]Don't derail this thread Dave. It's not about me. My posts are on-topic and pertain to the matter. Debate my points. No personal attacks here, please
[2] Dave, text message doesn't equal very good communication. It's considered a disrespect to break up via text, quit your job via text etc., I told you the problem with text is that sometimes you can't really understand and accurately predict what the person is trying to tell you. Especially taking into consideration that text messaging = no grammar zone. It's hard to get what the person is trying to say. The problem with OP's case was that she misinterpreted his intention. He was even confused as to her reaction because he meant no harm at his reply. It was a simple no I wont eat because I wont have time to eat or something. OP was cleanly just turning down the offer. That has happened to me before. I was at a show and I got a text from a friend saying she's going to give me a call. I quickly texted, "no". She could have taken it in a hurtful manner but I didn't intend my "no" to be hurtful. I was just trying to send her a quick text in time so she wouldn't call and make my ringtone go off. Then I sent her another text explaining I'm at a show. I really use emoticons because I feel like that's the only way to let people know you're not mad, you're goofing off, you're being sarcastic, etc.,.
On-topic: The girlfriend's not crazy. It was just misinterpretation. That's my call. Second possibility would be she REALLY wanted him to come and eat. Like preparing something for someone and they're not as excited as you wanted them to be about it. OP could have simply explained that time was the reason why he turned the breakfast down.
Okay Edin, I see your point. But replying simply "na I'll pass" can often be signaled as a lack of good communication. Good communication includes how to say things without offending the opposing person.
And what dave said. =p
Let us take these two scenarios
girlfriend: hey good morning!
boyfriend: <3 good morning to you too
girlfriend: I'm really looking forward to this new movie coming out! We should go watch it thursday night, its called "immortal". *hint, it means a lot to her!*
boyfriend: naa
girlfriend: ur an *******
boyfriend: what?
girlfriend: just shut up!
Two things went wrong here. One is the way that he replied, a better choice of words would have avoided this here. And the latter is the ignorance, for lack of better words, of what bothered his girlfriend. Both can be signs of a lack of good communication.
Now let us take second scenario.
girlfriend: hey good morning!
boyfriend: <3 good morning to you too
girlfriend: I'm really looking forward to this new movie coming out! We should go watch it thursday night, its called "immortal". *hint, it means a lot to her!*
boyfriend: I would love to go with you! its just I have a pretty huge midterm coming up, is there any other time we can go love?
girlfriend: =/
boyfriend: im really sorry, i really want to be with you but is there any other alternative?
girlfriend: Hmm in that case ...
Its called developing synergy. For example, instead of companies sending you a message replying "Denied." they might reply "We've considered your application, and hope you best of luck with other opportunities!"
victor.raum
Nov24-11, 04:50 PM
If that's how you talk to you girlfriend then I'm not surprised you've gone through 20 of them already...
EDIT:
I was typing up a real response, but then I saw Nano-Passion's above mine, and it was essentially identical. So I won't bother adding my clone of his post, I'll just say that I whole heartedly second his analysis.
netgypsy
Nov27-11, 04:44 PM
WOW!! Poor girl. You can only win in a relationship when you can walk away at any time. She knows the handwriting is on the wall, just hates to think a good thing has ended. Well it has.
For the ladies present, chasing is hardwired into the male of the species. You can't change things that are hardwired. You can only direct them and the advice of the great grandmothers to their daughters to "play hard to get" was right on the money. In the best relationships the male chases his mate their entire life and they both enjoy it immensely. She disrespected herself by inviting him for breakfast rather than just bringing a doggie bag with her to maybe share eggs and biscuits or something. Neither party in a relationship should EVER put themselves in a position where the other can reject them and cause hurt feelings. You have to be well enough in tune with each other to totally avoid that sort of thing.
Time for the young lady to move on and gain some self respect in the process. She's not a servant or a cook, she's a girlfriend and her boyfriend ought to be the one who asks her what she's going to do about breakfast and to discuss the possible options. And forget the movie - she shouldn't be asking him to go to that either. Again she's disrespecting herself because she knows he doesn't want to go to it.
A little story - a female family member had recently starting dating someone she liked quite well. He told her he was going to "March Madness" basketball tournament out of town for the weekend. She already had another date lined up for that weekend. He cancelled and he told her he wasn't going so she cancelled the other date and went out with him. And she would have gone out with a different guy if he had gone out of town. They've been married forever and he's still chasing her and they do have fun. Too many women lack self respect but I see it in men also. When it's over, it's over. Get on with your life. If you don't respect yourself, don't expect others to respect you.
So no she's not crazy, she's sad.
WOW!! Poor girl. You can only win in a relationship when you can walk away at any time. She knows the handwriting is on the wall, just hates to think a good thing has ended. Well it has.
For the ladies present, chasing is hardwired into the male of the species. You can't change things that are hardwired. You can only direct them and the advice of the great grandmothers to their daughters to "play hard to get" was right on the money. In the best relationships the male chases his mate their entire life and they both enjoy it immensely. She disrespected herself by inviting him for breakfast rather than just bringing a doggie bag with her to maybe share eggs and biscuits or something. Neither party in a relationship should EVER put themselves in a position where the other can reject them and cause hurt feelings. You have to be well enough in tune with each other to totally avoid that sort of thing.
Time for the young lady to move on and gain some self respect in the process. She's not a servant or a cook, she's a girlfriend and her boyfriend ought to be the one who asks her what she's going to do about breakfast and to discuss the possible options. And forget the movie - she shouldn't be asking him to go to that either. Again she's disrespecting herself because she knows he doesn't want to go to it. Wow, this is like reading "dating advice from the 19th Century, from a man". :eek:
Drakkith
Nov27-11, 06:07 PM
WOW!! Poor girl. You can only win in a relationship when you can walk away at any time. She knows the handwriting is on the wall, just hates to think a good thing has ended. Well it has.
Your entire post is just sad. None of it even considers the fact that everyone is differently wired and raised and have different wants, needs, feelings, etc. Furthermore, being able to "walk away at any time" is exactly OPPOSITE of the end goal in dating. Being in a committed relationship. It's like suggesting that you just do "warm ups" for football practice and then jump right into the big game when the season starts. You're going to have no idea what to do and have missed the entire pre-season time to practice and get ready.
netgypsy
Nov27-11, 06:22 PM
No, some of that was from one of our female family members and we range in age from 14 up to 70. But the only thing that has changed in the world of male female relationships is that females are now empowered to survive on their own. Unfortunately too many of them don't know it. And I don't think great grandma would have told the girl to dump the guy but she would tell her that if she wanted to keep him she'd better get some self respect pretty fast. We also don't just have a physicist in the family, we have a biologist and horse and dog trainers and I sure wish I had known all that great information before I wasted my time trying to get my kids to do things they just weren't hard wired to be able to do like "sit still" !! HAHAHA
And people think nerds know nothing about love - HAH - there is some seriously great advice in this thread if anyone bothers to read it and take it. NERDS RULE
netgypsy
Nov27-11, 06:41 PM
Your entire post is just sad. None of it even considers the fact that everyone is differently wired and raised and have different wants, needs, feelings, etc. Furthermore, being able to "walk away at any time" is exactly OPPOSITE of the end goal in dating. Being in a committed relationship. It's like suggesting that you just do "warm ups" for football practice and then jump right into the big game when the season starts. You're going to have no idea what to do and have missed the entire pre-season time to practice and get ready.
There's hard wired and there's "soft wired". Hard wired characteristics, you can only direct, not change. Soft wired can be changed. In any relationship, the two partners must follow certain rules for the relationship to work successfully. That's a fact. Some of the rules are the same in all cases. Others will be different. But if either partner does not value and respect the other with equal intensity, the relationship will fail. In this situation there is no equality. The woman is putting herself in a situation where she is going to be hurt and the man understands this perfectly but is just not committed to her to the same degree she is committed to him. She needs to lose him. He has no empathy, no kindness toward her, and no desire to develop them. Every guy on here knows exactly what he should have said IF he cared what she thought and they have expressed this most eloquently. But he doesn't care enough about her to make the effort. It's that simple.
Now regarding practice, of course we have to try different relationships to find the one we care enough about to want to make permanent. But the moment a man or woman knows in their gut that the relationship is not right is the moment they need to walk away. Do you really want to marry someone who drives you crazy, that you don't respect, that doesn't raise your blood pressure when you look a them no matter how long you've been together? Don't settle for less because you're just too lazy to look further. Now that would be sad.
Drakkith
Nov27-11, 08:12 PM
Every guy on here knows exactly what he should have said IF he cared what she thought and they have expressed this most eloquently. But he doesn't care enough about her to make the effort. It's that simple.
Except that it is NOT always that simple. If it were, there would be far fewer issues in relationships.
Now regarding practice, of course we have to try different relationships to find the one we care enough about to want to make permanent. But the moment a man or woman knows in their gut that the relationship is not right is the moment they need to walk away.
Yes, but up until that point they are still in a relationship. It isn't black and white, there is no line that is suddenly crossed, it is a gradual realization that takes varying amounts of time depending on the relationship. And during that period of time before they realize it's time to break it off people have issues just like the one in this thread.
netgypsy
Nov27-11, 08:50 PM
it is actually very simple when you're outside looking into the relationship of two other people but when you're inside a relationship that has failed it's extremely painful and the pain has been scientifically determined to be PHYSICAL pain, so you don't think rationally or behave rationally and that is what causes the difficulty in walking away when you need to. There will always be little problems in any relationship when one or the other or both are tired or stressed. Apologies will be given and it won't happen again. But obvious unkind and uncaring behavior by one or both of the parties means serious trouble. And yes there really is a line that is crossed and you'll know it if you ever have it happen to you. The proverbial straw that makes one realize that this relationship is not working. (Consider having an affair with your best friend vs just a little flirting)
Can they ever be fixed? Occasionally there's an outside problem that precipitates the breakdown but it really depends on how much equity is already in the relationship and how much each will lose if it ends both emotionally and in their life in general.
Being in a good loving relationship isn't hard. The rules are very simple. We just sometimes make it hard because we bring baggage into a relationship, we globalize on problems, we blame when there is no blame and many times we will deliberately sabotage the relationship for reasons we aren't even aware of. Pretty dumb but quite common. We seem in general to have moved more to serial monogamy than life time monogamy. And truly sometimes people really do grow apart by evolving in different directions so they are no longer compatible.
But finding and hanging onto that "right person" is so worth the effort.
Drakkith
Nov27-11, 09:11 PM
And yes there really is a line that is crossed and you'll know it if you ever have it happen to you. The proverbial straw that makes one realize that this relationship is not working. (Consider having an affair with your best friend vs just a little flirting)
Of course certain things can throw the relation ship "over the line", but generally it isn't like this. One of the reasons people cheat is that no one realized (or were willing to realize) that the relationship wasn't that well off already and had probably already crossed over the line.
netgypsy
Nov28-11, 07:39 AM
Looking back on a failed relationship I bet most people can point to a single incident that, as you said, made them realize that it was over. Here's a couple from friends - a couple was discussing marriage and the guy said the marriage vows should be "Love, Honor and Obey" for the woman. DING DING DING end of that one. Another one - guy tells girl - NO WIFE OF MINE WILL EVER WORK DING DING DING end of that one too. Guy asked girl out to a nice restaurant and concert after. She brings her girlfriend with her. DING DING DING Girl comes to guys house to watch a movie. She grabs his cat and dog and throws them outside. DING DING DING.
sstefan1
Dec11-11, 11:48 AM
Women, huh? Can't live with them, can't successfully refute their hypotheses.
KingNothing
Jan18-12, 01:31 AM
I'm normally the driver, trip planner, and chief engineer on the "women are crazy" train, but I think the way you rejected her offer was rude. Then when you said "you can still eat breakfast" it showed how little you understood about the situation.
I think if you had said "Sorry babe, I could really use some extra rest, perhaps we can do breakfast another time?" things would have gone better.
jduster
Jan31-12, 06:58 PM
You were the one who behaved wrong in this situation, and you damaged yourself pretty badly here.
You should have just said "Sorry, I can't go. Maybe some other time". That's it. You didn't have to rationalize why going out to breakfast was a bad idea.
Nano-Passion
Jan31-12, 10:54 PM
Women, huh? Can't live with them, can't successfully refute their hypotheses.
Lmao ^, quote from the Big Bang Theory.
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