View Full Version : My potential supervisor is SO hot!!!
nucleargirl
Jan30-12, 03:52 PM
long time no see...
I just have to let this out somewhere. and Here is the only place I can do this! forgive me!
So... OMG!!!!!!!! SOOOO HOTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHMYGOD!!!!!! lollollol
ok, so I'm on the course, and we have to choose supervisors for our projects. so I've been visiting potential supervisors. and there is one really interesting project, and the supervisor is super nice and super nice and super nice!!!!!!!!! and super nice! as in really hot. But more than that! lol.
No seriously, as in kind and professional, and caring! and knows that I don't know ANYTHING! and doesn't expect me to know anything either. But not in a patronising way. Yeah... its so strange! Anyway, so I was trying to be really chill and not freak out or stare inappropriately. And he basically talked about the project for like 45 minutes straight! I understood like half of what he was saying... the rest was kind of blank stares from me and him drawing pictures to explain...
Anyway, so what I want to ask is this: Should I choose his project or not?
Pro: interesting project, lots I would learn, get to be trained by hot supervisor 1 on 1!!!!!!! and stare at him for 6 months every day.
Con: What if it gets really awkward...?!!!!!!! Obviously I'ma gonna be really professional and not do stupid things. But what if he doesn't like me and I feel really rejected and start getting down and feeling inadequate? Or what if I start finding him irritating or something? You know they say its a fine line between love and hate!
Should I try to find a equally interesting project with a supervisor who I feel indifferent about?
Well, right now my mind is all clouded up so the obvious answer is NO! and plus, I like him mostly because of the way he thinks anyway. yes... action justified!
micromass
Jan30-12, 03:59 PM
Do you like the subject of the project?? Do you like the explanations of your potential supervisor?? I think these things are a bit more important that how hot the guy is :tongue2:
nucleargirl
Jan30-12, 04:04 PM
Hi Micro!
The subject... meh! Its about some pathway and I hate pathways! but I think I will have to grow to like them because everything is about pathways...
But I DO like the way he explains stuff! Its very good! I like the way he thinks about making the experiments conclusive...?! Well, making the results indisputable anyway :)
nucleargirl
Jan30-12, 04:08 PM
I wonder what would happen if we actually got together...? lol I think it would go downhill very quickly!
It wouldn't be hot anymore if it was real!
nucleargirl
Jan30-12, 04:10 PM
To be honest, its not even the way he looks! Its like something else. Its definitely personality. yes, thats it! :p
micromass
Jan30-12, 04:12 PM
Hi Micro!
The subject... meh! Its about some pathway and I hate pathways! but I think I will have to grow to like them because everything is about pathways...
Not good D:
But I DO like the way he explains stuff! Its very good! I like the way he thinks about making the experiments conclusive...?! Well, making the results indisputable anyway :)
That's good.
But know that if you DO take him, then you will likely end up being disappointed in him. Nobody is perfect. Sure, you like him now. But what if he tells you that your work was wrong and that you should start again. Can you handle that? Such things can be very heavy!!
What if he starts pushing you to do more work while you are already drowning in work?? What if he doesn't really seem interested in the project??
His hotness is a pro, but I think it's much more important that your personalities match. If you're an easy-going person, then your advisor should be as well. If you're a workaholic, then your advisor should be as well. Etc.
Not matching personalities can cause LOTS of grief.
micromass
Jan30-12, 04:25 PM
oh... I hope he chooses me!!! I think there are a few other students also interested in his project... and when I met him I was trying too hard to be chill so maybe I came off as quite uninterested... oh.... I think we'd match well! I hope he liked me!!!!
It might be a good idea to email him some interesting questions about his project? This might show that you're interested...
nucleargirl
Jan30-12, 04:41 PM
NO!!!
nucleargirl
Jan30-12, 04:43 PM
But he's taller than me by a bit, and kinda buff... lol what a rare find! a buff professor!!! and has no ring on his finger! but that might just be for practical reasons. like older than me, but not too old. and you can tell he works hard cos he has thinking lines on his face...
nucleargirl
Jan30-12, 04:44 PM
:))) and I wonder if he smiles? cos he didnt really smile properly when I met him... interesting...
nucleargirl
Jan30-12, 04:47 PM
soooo hot..... and he wears black shirts... so HOT!!!!!!
If he's over 35 yrs old hes too old mate.
Kaldanis
Jan30-12, 05:06 PM
Nothing is too old. But holy crap, you seem to be excited!! If you found someone that makes you enjoy learning something you probably have to learn like you said, then I suggest you throw yourself at him
Good lord, just focus on the project okay? If you're into the whole "I like-like teachers" thing, just date a high school teacher and be done with it. There's far too much trouble you could get into by trying to go out/have a fling with a prof.
Rules may vary from uni to uni but if I'm not mistaken, even when student-prof relationships are "okay", they aren't allowed if the student is taking their class?
Topher925
Jan30-12, 10:27 PM
Wow, this guy has really got you in a tizzy. If he were your supervisor do you think you would ever be able to get anything done or would you just stare and day dream about him every minute of every day?
Watch out, NG! You should protect your own academic integrity before engaging in any dalliance, however slight. Some things last longer than others.
Dembadon
Jan31-12, 10:35 AM
Watch out, NG! You should protect your own academic integrity before engaging in any dalliance, however slight. Some things last longer than others.
Sound advice.
Proceed with caution, nucleargirl! :wink:
nucleargirl
Jan31-12, 11:51 AM
:))) thanks for the advice.
Today he e-mailed back! and basically it was only 6 words but it means he's ok with it if I choose his project, and that he doesn't dislike me. hopefully. Ahhhh!!!!! I've lost interest in all the other projects now! and I've become paranoid someone else from the class will also choose his project!!! NO¬!
ah.... what to do? I'm almost tempted to read his project properly and think of some questions to ask him and look even more interested so he will choose me! hm... but I'm also scared of being really obvious if I do meet him again... I think he could tell last time!
:)))
Kaldanis
Jan31-12, 12:08 PM
:))) thanks for the advice.
Today he e-mailed back! and basically it was only 6 words but it means he's ok with it if I choose his project, and that he doesn't dislike me. hopefully. Ahhhh!!!!! I've lost interest in all the other projects now! and I've become paranoid someone else from the class will also choose his project!!! NO¬!
ah.... what to do? I'm almost tempted to read his project properly and think of some questions to ask him and look even more interested so he will choose me! hm... but I'm also scared of being really obvious if I do meet him again... I think he could tell last time!
:)))
Haha wait, this project is part of your degree and you're almost tempted to read it properly? This sounds like it could end in tears!! Maybe you should go for something you really want to do? :P
:))) thanks for the advice.
Today he e-mailed back! and basically it was only 6 words but it means he's ok with it if I choose his project, and that he doesn't dislike me. hopefully. Ahhhh!!!!! I've lost interest in all the other projects now! and I've become paranoid someone else from the class will also choose his project!!! NO¬!
ah.... what to do? I'm almost tempted to read his project properly and think of some questions to ask him and look even more interested so he will choose me! hm... but I'm also scared of being really obvious if I do meet him again... I think he could tell last time!
:)))Like I said before, be careful. Your academic progress comes first. If you choose to get personally involved, you could get burned if things don't turn out well. People who fall "out of love" or even "out of infatuation" with you are not the best folks to have as supervisors.
Vagrant
Jan31-12, 12:44 PM
+1 for proceeding with caution.
Such entanglements usually get extremely nasty at the end. You don't have to choose another project if this is what you want to do, but I'd suggest keeping a completely professional attitude.
nucleargirl
Jan31-12, 12:54 PM
I want to keep a professional attitude! BUt I can't help grinning when I even think about him, nevermind if I was actually talking to him!
I want to keep a professional attitude! BUt I can't help grinning when I even think about him, nevermind if I was actually talking to him!Oh, oh! You've got the hots and you'll act impulsively. I wish you good luck with that.
jedishrfu
Jan31-12, 01:00 PM
this thread reminds me of the scene in an indiana jones movie where a female student had a message painted on her eyelids that indy would see each time she blinked.
http://indianajones.wikia.com/wiki/%22Love_you%22_student
nucleargirl
Jan31-12, 02:45 PM
If I get him as my supervisor, I think I will try to work hard and impress him that way :)
I think he would be a really good supervisor. What goes on in my head will stay in my head!
nucleargirl
Jan31-12, 03:12 PM
I think I like him because he is pretty much everything I want to be? except a man of course. and older. So its good. I can become more like him. Thats probably what would be the best about doing a phd - spending so much time in close contact with someone you admire intensely and who will teach you to be like them. You could never be friends with someone this way, nor in a job really. This is whats unique about phd training i guess. I so hope I get him! totally selfish reasons. I would like to be a supervisor one day and shape someone else's mind.
nucleargirl
Jan31-12, 06:37 PM
Seriously, this is great! I was just actually reading his papers (to see his writing style) which are about pathways! and its not too bad, Its actually pretty exciting.
nucleargirl
Feb1-12, 04:26 PM
oh.... I'm so hopelessly obsessed!!!!
tomorrow I'm going to see another supervisor... but they work in the same lab... so I might see... What to do?!!!!
lol...
ah.....
nucleargirl
Feb1-12, 04:31 PM
I'm scared...
nucleargirl
Feb2-12, 12:22 AM
up early to get all my work done! YAHHHH!
:))))))))
TheStatutoryApe
Feb2-12, 06:24 AM
Even if you are committed to being and acting professional around this person the apparent intensity of your attraction for him may start to effect your work performance if you are in close contact on a regular basis while trying to keep your feelings bottled up. Perhaps you will "settle in" and not be so intense once you get used to being around him. It may just get worse. You should know how you tend to react in such situations, so keep that in mind.
jedishrfu
Feb2-12, 09:53 AM
No good can come of this. You really need to think of your degree goals and nothing else.
Basically don't mix the two because in the end you risk getting neither. Workplace romances usually end in bitterness with one party leaving because the pain is too great.
You're so excited, he can see that and that gives him the advantage in any relationship you might have. If he's so hot then theres sure to be others who will try to win him as well so longterm you will be fighting off these urges in him making it painful for you.
nucleargirl
Feb2-12, 05:38 PM
I didn't see him today... was disappointing...
:( sadness
nucleargirl
Feb2-12, 05:40 PM
he's too hot to not have a girlfriend or at least girls chasing after him...
its going to be a lot of pain and heartache!
nucleargirl
Feb2-12, 05:43 PM
Either way, I have made my decision and chose his project. Now I am waiting to hear if I get it. If I don't, whoever gets it is gonna DIE!!! and then I will get it :)
thorium1010
Feb3-12, 07:10 AM
Either way, I have made my decision and chose his project. Now I am waiting to hear if I get it. If I don't, whoever gets it is gonna DIE!!! and then I will get it :)
Infactuation and obsession crossing a line ?
nucleargirl
Feb3-12, 12:53 PM
seriously! I've pretty much told everyone else on the course that this project is mine... THEY'd better not cross that line!
nucleargirl
Feb3-12, 01:44 PM
he's so kind-looking I can't take it!!!!!
You are smiiten girl.
Lyrics and song by Sting
Don't Stand So Close To Me
Young teacher, the subject
Of schoolgirl fantasy
She wants him so badly
Knows what she wants to be
Inside her there's longing
This girl's an open page
Book marking - she's so close now
This girl is half his age
Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
Her friends are so jealous
You know how bad girls get
Sometimes it's not so easy
To be the teacher's pet
Temptation, frustration
So bad it makes him cry
Wet bus stop, she's waiting
His car is warm and dry
Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
Loose talk in the classroom
To hurt they try and try
Strong words in the staffroom
The accusations fly
It's no use, he sees her
He starts to shake and cough
Just like the old man in
That book by Nabakov
Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
nucleargirl
Feb5-12, 03:26 AM
If I get it, we will HAVE to stand close to each other!!!
Uh oh.. someone's in love..
Not too uncommon, in my previous lab there were three couples that started out as supervisor-student (shame on them!). But they've been together for over 15 years. Another PhD student started to get the hots for his student (and/or vice versa) and asked the prof. for another person to supervise the project.
Your position is not too great in an academic point of view, it will be convoluted. Keep your head straight and stay grounded is my advice.
when i was a young man (what i wouldn't give to be young again....THIS time, i'd know just exactly what to do) one of my math professors (to be fair, the youngest one) had a wife who couldn't have been more than a year or two different in age from me.
which means, of course, that he had met and courted her while she was a student, more than likely one of his students. such things do happen.
however, this is probably the exception that proves the rule.
i don't know you, NG, but i hope you wish for the best, and plan for the worst.
oh, and apparently energizer lithium maintains proper voltage longer.
Moonbear
Feb5-12, 07:59 PM
At one of the universities where I worked, there was a faculty member who married his grad student. Needless to say, she had to find a new mentor to finish her degree because it woud have been a conflict of interest to be advised by her husband (he was younger faculty and she was a bit older student, so it wasn't too odd for them to have been attracted). So, while one possibility is simply making a fool of yourself if the attraction isn't mutual, the other if it is mutual is needing to find someone else to be your supervisor. Make sure you have a back up plan...lol!
Make sure you have a back up plan...lol!
Divorce?
netgypsy
Feb9-12, 01:13 AM
As has been mentioned this sort of thing is pretty common. One of my female family members taught a young man who asked her if she ever posed for a poster. (She just smiled and said "thank you for the compliment but no") He didn't do very well in her class despite being a very good student normally. He had to be really smitten because her husband taught in the same department and there was no doubt that they were crazy about each other.
Not too uncommon, in my previous lab there were three couples that started out as supervisor-student (shame on them!). But they've been together for over 15 years. Another PhD student started to get the hots for his student (and/or vice versa) and asked the prof. for another person to supervise the project.
Your position is not too great in an academic point of view, it will be convoluted. Keep your head straight and stay grounded is my advice.
Why do you say shame on them?:biggrin:
First of all, I really enjoyed reading this thread. :biggrin:
His hotness is a pro, but I think it's much more important that your personalities match. If you're an easy-going person, then your advisor should be as well. If you're a workaholic, then your advisor should be as well. Etc.
Not matching personalities can cause LOTS of grief.
You're not serious, are you? Cause I'll never finish my degree if I follow it [:biggrin:]
No good can come of this. You really need to think of your degree goals and nothing else.
Basically don't mix the two because in the end you risk getting neither. Workplace romances usually end in bitterness with one party leaving because the pain is too great.
+1
he's too hot to not have a girlfriend or at least girls chasing after him...
its going to be a lot of pain and heartache!
*smacks NG with a frozen fish*
Uh oh.. someone's in love..
Not too uncommon, in my previous lab there were three couples that started out as supervisor-student (shame on them!). But they've been together for over 15 years. Another PhD student started to get the hots for his student (and/or vice versa) and asked the prof. for another person to supervise the project.
Your position is not too great in an academic point of view, it will be convoluted. Keep your head straight and stay grounded is my advice.
Agreed [with the shame on them part too] :biggrin:
Why do you say shame on them?:biggrin:
Personally I don't like it, it just brings lots of question marks on my head.
At one of the universities where I worked, there was a faculty member who married his grad student. Needless to say, she had to find a new mentor to finish her degree because it woud have been a conflict of interest to be advised by her husband (he was younger faculty and she was a bit older student, so it wasn't too odd for them to have been attracted). So, while one possibility is simply making a fool of yourself if the attraction isn't mutual, the other if it is mutual is needing to find someone else to be your supervisor. Make sure you have a back up plan...lol!
:rofl:
Divorce?
:rofl::rofl:
Advice: focus on your study NG. :smile:
Honestly all I can advise you is 'don't go there', just focus on your studies and not him!
Infatuation is difficult to control (well it was for me). i lusted after this guy who was once my tutor then the 'relationship' became real and I got hurt, I guess as i was emotionally attached by this point and he wasn't. If you can keep it in your head then great. I wouldn't want to go through that experience again.
nucleargirl
Feb15-12, 01:16 PM
Thanks for the advice all. and the fish slap :p
I have news.... I got it.
But... I'm not excited anymore. I think I over did it in my head.
Its probably for the best.
nucleargirl
Feb15-12, 01:17 PM
actually I sent him an e-mail today and he didnt reply... so now I'm worried he's offended or dislikes me or something... hopefully not. and if he does, that ain't gonna fly!!!
nucleargirl
Feb17-12, 02:49 AM
I just realised that he has the same eyes and eyebrows as brad pitt... I never liked brad pitt! anyway... I'm so busy revising now I'm not thinking about him anymore. But one point is that he will be writing my references! so I would need to be on my top form.
So what kind of 'research' are you really doing.......
presumably thermodynamics
presumably thermodynamics
More like interpersonal relationships.
More like interpersonal relationships.
Ooooooh :bugeye:
I like Serena
Feb18-12, 01:39 PM
More like interpersonal relationships.
HOT interpersonal relationships then!
HOT interpersonal relationships then!
I want a copy of the credits in the thesis :biggrin:
nucleargirl
Feb29-12, 12:24 PM
Been feeling so sick today: decided to start project next Thursday... not sure if have stomach bug or butterflies.
nucleargirl
Feb29-12, 12:27 PM
So what kind of 'research' are you really doing.......
um... the stomach-turning kind?
nucleargirl
Feb29-12, 12:30 PM
and intriguing... he seems to like to reply in one or two word answers to my e-mails... not sure if really busy or can't be bothered... omg I really need to stop reading 9gag. started speaking in memes now. sound like fricking philosoraptor and fry mix.
I once did a summer internship under two professors (both male) to do some research on graphene synthesis and characterization. The professors also had another student to work on the same project; she was a girl. (I'm a guy, btw.) It was immediately clear that she favored the younger professor, and she would always volunteer to do stuff for him even when it was totally not productive for the project.
Later on in the program, she'd talk with other girls in the lab about how "hot" the younger professor was. Clearly that was her motivation for liking him.
Now that just irritated me. I felt like her priority wasn't to do the research project, it was just to butter up to him. I couldn't help but doubt how serious she was about actually doing the project, and I thought it was annoying that she would get away with doing grunt work for the younger professor instead of actually doing the research project!
In all, my message is that you might annoy other students if they find out that you're more interested in the professor than in the project. Particularly, if you have partners, they would most likely figure that you're not actually motivated by intrest in the subject matter, like they are.
nucleargirl
Mar1-12, 10:51 AM
Yeah... I'm not gonna tell anyone who might know him... which is kinda why I'm venting here...
CaptFirePanda
Mar1-12, 11:10 AM
I wonder what the responses would be like if the genders were flipped (eg. male student professing his lust for a female professor). I'm assuming the conversation would focus a lot more on the negatives of superficial attraction, etc...
Anyway, that aside, I think it would put him in a very tough situation as it is generally frowned upon for a professor to have a relationship with a student and many post-secondary institutions are drafting policy along those lines. I would consider this when moving forward. It isn't always easy to resist one's feelings, but if you can save things until he is no longer your supervisor, that might make life easier for him and you.
Anyway good luck one way or another. Try not to read into things too much or you'll drive everyone nuts ;)
nucleargirl
Mar2-12, 03:23 PM
:) can't wait to start on Thursday! wonder what it will be like?
anyway, I've finished exams! and did soooo badly... I know it. Gonna be back to retake next year I'm sure... Anyway, I went to Harrods today and they let me try on a Piaget cocktail ring!!! AND I bought shoes!!! :)))
nucleargirl
Mar7-12, 04:30 PM
I'm so scared... been having butterflies for like the past days! not fun! hope he doesn't hate me...
I say horsedung! :biggrin: Ah well, hope you're enjoying yourself. :rofl:
nucleargirl
Mar8-12, 11:33 AM
sucks... worst day ever... supervisor turned out to be... not what I had expected... and he probably felt the same about me.
Feel so bad... how is this going to work?
I find it so difficult to talk to him... What can I ask a guy 20 years older than me? I really don't know what to say to him. And he doesn't seem the slightest interested in talking to me... oh..... I hope things don't stay this way...
maybe it wasn't that smart to let your feelings guide you?
nucleargirl
Mar8-12, 12:53 PM
Any advice on how to get on with quite a macho Aussie guy on a platonic level?
netgypsy
Mar8-12, 04:12 PM
Talk to people who have had him as a supervisor before and find out everything there is to know. Don't you have a university adviser? Talk to them too. You can also talk to others in his department - TA's for example. In the meantime think about him as an uncle you are being farmed off to as an apprentice. Do your best but act confidant. Don't let him see you sweat. If he were your uncle you'd be polite and pleasant just because he's family and just remember - this is temporary so if your best isn't good enough - too bad. It won't last forever and in the grand scheme of things it's not a really big deal. But do everything you can to get along while preserving your self esteem. It's so much easier to work with someone who doesn't dislike you, but you'll survive regardless. Good luck and keep us posted. We've all been there at one time or another.
nucleargirl
Mar8-12, 04:47 PM
Yeah... about that, I think another girl tried to give me words of wisdom about him... but somehow I manage to hear it, realise its importance, and then completely forget what she said. Yeah, it was my first day so I was trying to observe more than show them who I was. Which came off as me being a push over and having zero personality. Gonna try to change this tomorrow.
Well, you have two choices. Either you go on aggressively pursuing him, with a maybe -but improbable- ROI of ending up with a nice guy and maybe lots of babies. Or you just concentrate on work.
His disinterest might be genuine, there's work to be done, and you might just not be high on his scale of priorities.
(I guess I am a bit rude, this is a bit shock therapy. But from all you've stated, you're taking a very active interest in somebody. Maybe it will help if you find out what you want to do with it. And maybe it won't matter much.)
nucleargirl
Mar9-12, 06:05 PM
oh how true it is that there is a thin line between love and hate... These two days have taught me so much about myself, about my judgement, and about human nature.
I suppose it is what I was looking for. I need this lesson.
I was too quick to judge. and got it entirely wrong in every possible way. But I am not fazed by it. I still believe I can change this situation.
I think, patience, being as fair and treating everyone equally, sensitivity, not being judgemental, letting others live their lives as long as it doesnt harm others, and speaking out tactfully if they do. These would be my greatest assets in the coming weeks. It would be the ideal situation to improve myself. I would need every single one just to stay sane. Plus, I enjoy a challenge.
I need to be more than what others have given. I think this type of behaviour is the result of some trauma in his past. I don't understand why a man would want to objectify women, make rather crude remarks, and surround themselves with clones. I can only justify this with a sense of fear. Of making-do. of disillusionment. I think I still have enough hopes for more than one person.
At least today I got a slight display of gratitude. I don't know why, perhaps it was for his own benefit, but I will take it. Perhaps my strategy is working? maybe not. I think I cannot manipulate any care or sympathy, and I suppose I don't want to do that in being helpless.
I want to gain respect from my integrity, from my patience, from being unjudgemental when so many are quick to judge. I want to gain respect from speaking out when others are afraid to do so. Of course I will do this as tactfully as I can because I do not want to add to the distress. I will do all I can to solve my own problems.
I suppose I want to change them with kindness. I shall try.
Please back off. If you are serious about your academic performance, you will be hands-off with your supervisors and collaborators. Professionalism doesn't magically start when you get into the private sector. Wishing you well.
nucleargirl
Mar9-12, 06:22 PM
I don't think this guy is unreasonable. A lot stuck in his ways I think, but not unkind.
I don't think going head to head would work in this case, he's much too stuck in his niche. Perhaps it will all be for nothing. I wonder how many have tried before me. But he's never met me before. perhaps I am nothing special. but I will try. Even if it does not change him, to be able to stick to my own beliefs would be good enough for me.
nucleargirl
Mar9-12, 06:24 PM
Please back off. If you are serious about your academic performance, you will be hands-off with your supervisors and collaborators. Professionalism doesn't magically start when you get into the private sector. Wishing you well.
I appreciate it. But I can't just sit back and watch like everyone else. How else would he have turned out this way? they all ***** behind his back but no one does anything to his face. no wonder he has surrounded himself with others who are the same. Its about time I improved my kindness anyway, I don't think I have enough.
nucleargirl
Mar9-12, 06:33 PM
If I am kind, surely he would not want to see me unhappy?
I cannot be like him to get him on my side. I cannot join them, nor do I want to. Being professional is what everyone is doing. but I think what he needs is someone who cares.
But caring has its boundaries. I cannot be a push over. That would not do anyone any good. I have to also focus on my project. do well in this. I don't know. maybe I am too optimistic right now. If two weeks and no improvement. then I will change supervisors.
netgypsy
Mar9-12, 06:58 PM
"If I am kind, surely he would not want to see me unhappy?" It quite depends on whether he sees kindness as weakness which he can exploit. He may be a decent person, he may not. If he's not, he really won't care if you're unhappy or not because he'll be feeding his own ego.
Your self respect, integrity and whether you can optimize your learning in this situation is very crucial. You can't "change" people but you can direct or channel their inherent nature. Be very careful here. And honestly, if you speak to him privately I'd record your conversation if it's legal where you live. It is in some places, not in others. For example it's not legal in Florida but I believe it is in South Carolina. I'm sure you know how to record with a cell phone. If you can't record, you can dial a friend, put the phone on mute and put it on speaker so you have a witness.
I'm getting bad vibes from your situation. Again BE CAREFUL! Ask around about this guy. Someone will tell you what he's really like and let's hope he's OK. Keep us posted.
nucleargirl
Mar9-12, 07:50 PM
ah... who am I kidding... I still like the guy. probably giving him an inner personality that he doesn't have. I know that previous students have had problems with him before... why do I think I stand a chance? I guess I just want it to be true, a lot.
netgypsy
Mar9-12, 07:58 PM
Reminds me of a story I heard once, long ago.
A woman had a serious crush on Mick Jagger (famous rock singer in case you haven't heard of him). Every guy she dated always fell short of her image. She'd tell her friends - "He's fine but he's not Mick Jagger".
Well amazingly enough she actually had the opportunity to go out with the REAL Mick Jagger. The next day she told her friends "He was nice, but he wasn't Mick Jagger".
Reality seldom equals fantasy :-)
I still believe I can change this situation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
nucleargirl
Mar10-12, 05:50 AM
Thank you so much Borek. That has really opened my eyes. I did not realise how bad it was! I think he's a bit narcissistic, and I have made myself compatible with that because I am in a dependent situation on him. This is a problem! I dont have a desk, so everyday the first thing I do is go see him and ask what he has planned for me for the day. not cool. I need my own space as right now I feel lost, and don't belong anywhere. it also makes getting to know other people difficult cos I am either with him or in the library on my own. its very unequal right now.
nucleargirl
Mar10-12, 05:56 AM
yeah I should set some boundaries. if he doesnt want to be friendly, maybe I should stop trying to make him a friend. First priority is my project and my degree, if I do well, that is gonna stay with me. Second is to get to know more people in the lab and see how things work in science. maybe make a few friends along the way. Thirdly is to get chummy with my supervisor, it takes two to do that. if he's not up for it, then I have limited time to try to make it work - I have other things to do as well. It makes sense, he has to mark my project so maybe he needs to be impartial and distant. I want to be closer so I can get more help from him. But I can get the help I need even if I keep my distance. I don't know, its difficult to strike a balance. I will see how it goes next week. But thanks for bringing this to my attention Borek!
yeah I should set some boundaries. if he doesnt want to be friendly, maybe I should stop trying to make him a friend. First priority is my project and my degree, if I do well, that is gonna stay with me. Second is to get to know more people in the lab and see how things work in science. maybe make a few friends along the way. Thirdly is to get chummy with my supervisor, it takes two to do that. if he's not up for it, then I have limited time to try to make it work - I have other things to do as well. It makes sense, he has to mark my project so maybe he needs to be impartial and distant. I want to be closer so I can get more help from him. But I can get the help I need even if I keep my distance. I don't know, its difficult to strike a balance. I will see how it goes next week. But thanks for bringing this to my attention Borek!
I'm not a relationship expert or anything of the sort, but I can see you having problems you are trying have a kind of 'friendship' in the type of environment you are in.
This is just my opinion (IMO), but the best way IMO to to do this is just to act in a professional capacity.
Now the word 'professional' is often misused and misunderstood but by this I mean that you deal with him strictly on a basis that all understanding is out in the open, all expectations are out in the open, and that everyone is aware of their obligations, rights, responsibilities and other things that may be 'taken for granted'.
To me this is what distinguishes a professional from a non-professional: a professional has been in the game long enough to know that if things aren't made absolutely crystal clear in the beginning then the omissions end up turning into something sour. To a non-professional it might be interpreted as overkill, 'being mean or unfriendly', being 'too demanding', 'micromanaging' or something else but the fact is that when everything is on the table, no one can complain later (or at least if they do complain, you can point it out).
The process do to this in terms of specifics will ultimately depend on the people involved, the nature of the work, the nature of the workplace among other things but I still think my advice can be useful for obtaining more specifics.
The final thing I want to mention is to realize that the nature of the job often affects the personality of the person at work (not necessarily outside of work though).
Your supervisor probably has had a lot of experience dealing with people and over time may have come to the conclusion of being impartial and distant. Maybe the nature of science has forced him to become that way so that he does his job in a professional manner. If he is a busy man who comes in frequent contact with many people and is extremely busy, then impartiality might actually be a necessity to do the job effectively and to communicate with other people with different roles and backgrounds.
I have noticed that there are reasons why, at least, I observe some people to not be 'friendly' or 'distant' or something else and sometimes its not for the reason that they are 'cold' or 'unsocial' or something else along those lines.
Don't beat yourself up about it though, you may end up being the same and later realize why people in the kind of job, in the kind of workplace, with the kind of responsibilities actually act like this: life is all about learning and I gaurantee that you are placed in this situation to learn, just like the rest of us! :)
nucleargirl
Mar10-12, 04:54 PM
Now the word 'professional' is often misused and misunderstood but by this I mean that you deal with him strictly on a basis that all understanding is out in the open, all expectations are out in the open, and that everyone is aware of their obligations, rights, responsibilities and other things that may be 'taken for granted'.
Yeah, I think you are right, I need to lay everything out in the open so we both know what we expect from each other. Thats one of the problems - we haven't actually talked out the timeline for the project and whats actually involved. so I feel a bit in the dark.
life is all about learning and I gaurantee that you are placed in this situation to learn, just like the rest of us! :)
Yeah, thats for sure!
You know, I never realised how difficult it can get in life. I know its probably not even that difficult for me right now and its just gonna get tougher. But I'm feeling quite vulnerable! I think this is what I need - you need to feel vulnerable to start getting tough.
I think I need to stand up for myself. simply because its a competitive tough world and no-one else is going to stand up for me if I don't.
nucleargirl
Mar13-12, 01:50 PM
.....
I suppose it wasn't such a great idea... I guess I just made life really difficult for myself by choosing this project. Its so hard to feel OK when I'm there.
I feel so stupid!
like everything I do is stupid!
I don't know...
I don't like this.
Why!!!!!
its so pathetic.
SOOOO pathetic!!!!
I don't want to make it obvious, but I think everything I do and say is making it more than obvious. I can't even hide it.
I've tried to not feel this way. I need to try harder. Cut it out!
What am I thinking? Do I really think there is a possibility? Is there a future to this? What am I looking for? What am I doing?!!! It makes no sense!!!!! I feel like everyone who can see is seeing everything. And they either feel sorry for me or they are having a lot of fun watching me. I have to focus. I lost my focus today.
Focus on my work. But its so difficult when he comes into the room!
I need to lighten up. too much stress lately.
jim hardy
Mar13-12, 02:01 PM
take heart you are far from the first.
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
Oh come on, now you are just whining. Stop it and focus on what you are expected to be doing.
.....
I suppose it wasn't such a great idea... I guess I just made life really difficult for myself by choosing this project. Its so hard to feel OK when I'm there.
I feel so stupid!
like everything I do is stupid!
I don't know...
I don't like this.
Why!!!!!
its so pathetic.
SOOOO pathetic!!!!
I don't want to make it obvious, but I think everything I do and say is making it more than obvious. I can't even hide it.
I've tried to not feel this way. I need to try harder. Cut it out!
What am I thinking? Do I really think there is a possibility? Is there a future to this? What am I looking for? What am I doing?!!! It makes no sense!!!!! I feel like everyone who can see is seeing everything. And they either feel sorry for me or they are having a lot of fun watching me. I have to focus. I lost my focus today.
Focus on my work. But its so difficult when he comes into the room!
I need to lighten up. too much stress lately.
Just to put things into perspective, I'm sure you will find that we all have done things in some way or another that is similar to your story.
I've made a fool of myself in the past so many times that I tend to not really worry about it anymore. You just get to the point where you laugh at yourself and move on, and if the experience was painful in some way, you tend not to do it again.
You know, in a way I think it's good that people like you and me go through stuff like this: people are afraid to look stupid but the thing is that in the end it doesn't really matter and soon enough people will move on: we all do.
Just keep your head up high, because when this happens again you'll have an advantage that a lot of people won't have: you'll be able to deal with it effectively over those who are afraid to take a risk or two and worry about what everyone thinks to a point where they become paralyzed.
mathwonk
Mar14-12, 09:09 PM
i suggest you transfer advisors.
nucleargirl
Mar15-12, 04:20 PM
he smiled at me today... :))))))
CaptFirePanda
Mar15-12, 04:28 PM
He's plotting something nefarious.
nucleargirl
Mar15-12, 05:45 PM
can't be... he looks so kind when he smiles!
Jack21222
Mar18-12, 02:56 PM
Somebody in this thread really likes being the center of attention...
netgypsy
Mar18-12, 06:24 PM
And somebody in this thread is unnecessarily judgmental.
nucleargirl
Mar19-12, 04:56 PM
we all like to be at the centre of attention. its ok :)
I know the last update to this thread was a few weeks ago, but having skimmed through the posts I'm not sure anyone has pointed out that even if this supervisor had a reciprocated interest in Nucleargirl, he CAN'T act on it.
He CAN'T flirt with you.
He CAN'T pursue a relationship (beyond student-supervisor) with you.
He CAN'T treat you any different than he would any of his other students.
If he does, he's placing his career at risk, he's potentially breaking the law, he's opening himself up to a civil lawsuit, and perhaps most importantly, he's morally putting himself at the advantage of a power differential.
Note that I'm not saying that student-supervisor relationships never happen, nor am I saying that when they do happen they are always the result of malicious intent. From his point of view, however, this is a very dangerous game with serious consequences.
My advice: if you really like the guy just wait until you're no longer a student and then ask him out.
mathwonk
Apr10-12, 11:50 PM
To put it another way, it has been noticed that supervisors do not always look as hot after they are no longer supervisors.
gentryliving
Apr11-12, 10:35 PM
You are more interested on the person not the project. Focus girl!
nucleargirl
Apr13-12, 03:02 PM
I know... its so bad... and the thing is, I think some other girls might be jealous of me... they're being bloody b**ches!!!
nucleargirl
Apr19-12, 03:09 PM
really, some of the girls in lab are so b**chy... disappointing. I guess I should just ignore them.
really, some of the girls in lab are so b**chy... disappointing. I guess I should just ignore them.
Write a diary of your experiences, change the names and create a soap opera.
Call it something like: "Higher Learning" and air it at mid-day just after the Oprah, Days of Our Lives, and Hawaii-Five-O reruns.
Read through this whole thread. Lots of laughs. Not sure if nucleargirl is real... or just a really accomplished internet troll with lots of time on their hands.
nucleargirl
Apr20-12, 04:48 PM
omg I'm loving the 'higher learning' thing!! perhaps I should write a romantic novel!!! omg thats such a good idea :))) I think I'd be good at that, and its a back up plan to when science fails me.
and, yes, its all real.
nucleargirl
Apr20-12, 04:58 PM
I'm loving it! Writing it now... I'm gonna be famous!!! and rich!!! wow!!!
nucleargirl
Apr20-12, 05:22 PM
and its actually called higher learning... working title at least.
nucleargirl
Apr20-12, 06:01 PM
460 words now.
nucleargirl
Apr20-12, 06:07 PM
forget it
Office_Shredder
Apr20-12, 09:03 PM
It's not very good. Parts of it break a single statement into five sentences in an awkward attempt at pacing, and at other times you rush your writing in a free flowing orgy of commas
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