You're missing a factor of 10^{24} in that final bit.
Is this correct? I'm sure there's a simpler way to do this.
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The method is perfectly correct - I haven't checked the numbers, but I believe the final number looks close enough (I happen to know that the RMS speed of oxygen molecules at room temperature is about 500m/s, and at NTP, a mole of atoms occupies about 22.4 liters, so at a fifth of an atmosphere, the concentration would be roughly 6/(5*0.0224)*10^{23} per cubic meter, which is about 10% higher than your number, but this is very rough estimate.)
As for a simpler way, I think this is as simple as it gets. Only, notice that since R=k*Na, and M=m*Na, your final expression simplifies to n=3PV/Mv^2 (in moles).