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Jan1-10, 02:24 AM
* All cars blow up in a big fireball when they wreck.
* You should ALWAYS hold a pistol sideways in your hand.
* If you are diving or doing somersaults, you can't be shot.
* Good guys always get wounded in the left shoulder or the leg.
* Whores have hearts of gold.
* A six-shot revolver can fire nine times without reloading.
* Every Vietnam veteran has a locker or hideout somewhere filled with all sorts of exotic, high-powered weaponry.
* Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
* At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
* Should you decide to defuse a bomb, cut the red wire. If you have to guess, you will always guess right.
* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors
* If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
* Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
* All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
* All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
* It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
* Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
* You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, knowledge of the language will not be necessary. A German or Russian accent will do.
* The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
* If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
* Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off and beep loudly if they are hidden.
* A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
* Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
* When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
* You can get ANYWHERE in NYC in 10 minutes or less.
* There is ALWAYS a parking space in front of the building/business you're going to, no matter how much traffic there is.
* There are NO ugly Vampire chicks.
* Commandos eat Green Berets for breakfast.
* Every surplus store has a special/secret room in the back that has rocket launchers, radio controlled claymore mines, and crew served weapons that can be carried by a 110 lb women.
* You can blow up a speeding car with a single 9mm round.
* All snipers can make a head shot at a moving target, from '100 feet away or greater, with only one round.
* Gunshot wounds to the shoulder, though traversing lungs, huge blood vessels, and nerves to the arm, don't ever cause fatal hemorrhage or tension pneumothorax or permanent nerve damage.
* The proper response to a "flatline" is to shock it.
* More than 15 seconds of CPR is futile. The one exception is if you scream at the patient "live, damn you, live!" Slapping is usually helpful.
* The proper treatment for any patient who is not breathing from any cause is to perform a cricothyroidotomy with a pen.
* Nobody on a stakeout for hours ever has to go to the bathroom.
* Highly trained, heavily armed, armored SWAT teams are always led at the front by a middle-aged detective wearing nothing more than a trench coat and carrying a six shot revolver.
* All critically ill people in comas have machines that beep, whirr, and click, though none of them is actually intubated and on a ventilator.
* Warning alarms on medical equipment always signal impending death.
* There is always enough ammo.
* Though guns are in >50% of households in this country, there is invariably none in any house that is broken into while the family is home. There is, however, always a baseball bat or golf club.
* All victims must immediately be yanked from car wrecks by well-meaning bystanders or police, who can never wait for rescue tools or c-spine immobilization. This unfortunately translates to real life as well.
* Powerful handgun blasts will send the victim sailing through the air on impact.
* Gunshot wound to the chest causes death within seconds, only long enough for the victim to realize that he's dead.
* Gunshot wounds to the brain will allow for several seconds of incredulous realization before death.
* ER doctors wear ties.
* Nobody dies in agony, except the aforementioned rookie who made the mistake of showing a picture of his sweetheart.
* The finger belongs inside the trigger guard at all times.
* SWAT teams carry blowtorches for cutting through locks on big plate glass doors that they could have just smashed.
* Any cop who is visitiing on vacation is by default smarter and more competent than that city's indiginous police force.
* No police officer has ever heard of the "low ready" position.
* Soldiers who are hunting down fugitive green berets or musicians from Chicago have M-16s but not a single other piece of equipment or ammunition on their body.
* Everyone knows how to weld.
* Detectives usually pull all-night stakeouts while dressed in suits and ties, and parked directly under a street lamp outside the target in the most dangerous neighborhood in town. One of the officers leaves the location on foot every hour to get more coffee. The hoardes of pimps, drug dealers and other hustlers walking by pay no attention to the two white dudes sitting in the car with binoculars and radio handsets.
* Plainclothes officers are permitted to carry distilled spirits in steel hip flasks on their persons while on duty, and to stir it into their coffee while in full public view.
* Armed criminal gangs are very ethnically diverse, and always have at least one member of every human racial group, and with whom they all enjoy friendly relations.
* Narcotics detectives often stick their moistened finger-tips into large bags of unidentified white powder, and then taste it with their tongue without suffering any ill effects. Likewise, any undercover narc is authorized to possess and consume large amounts of hard I.V. drugs at any time in order to maintain "street cred". and is free to replenish his personal stash from material in the Evidence Room.
* Lone detectives without backup or communications and carrying a briefcase full of cash are sent off to conduct linkups with kidnappers in an unknown location.
* Anyone using a set of lock picks can pick any lock within seconds, without ever practicing, and without ever failing to gain immediate access.
* Complex security alarm systems can be neutralized by snipping one wire located in an unlocked control panel outside the building.
* All ex-military guys served in Special Forces, Rangers, SMU's, Force Recon, S.E.A.L.S., etc.; and never in any ordinary unit . They also personally know every other guy who has ever served on any of these units, and are proficient in every skill set found in the armed forces.
* The user of every government hand-held radio can instantly communicate in the clear with anyone on every other existing official network or frequency.
* All cities have huge abandoned factories filled with functional machinery and still furnished with electric power and steam. These facilities are unguarded and easily accessed through a large hole in a chain link fence, and all mechanical systems can be activated by large toggle switches located on every wall.
* Lengthy firefights featuring machine pistols, rockets and grenades and involving dozens of combatants attract no attention until just after they conclude, at which time every emergency vehicle in the city arrives at the exact same time from all directions in densely packed formations. Upon arrival, they fail to properly identify or question the unknown armed civilians still milling around the scene.
* Police officers under suspension from duty frequently launch unsanctioned solitary armed infiltrations into the homes of senior organized crime figures, and are then later reinstated to the force with no legal or professional consequences to themselves.
* Within hours of being admitted to a trauma center with multiple gunshot wounds, patients are lying comfortably in a private hospital room and conversing with visitors. Likewise, anyone can access any part of any hospital at any time without being challenged simply by donning a white smock.
* Low-level employees of federal security agencies routinely plan and conduct unsanctioned assassinations of U.S. citizens on American soil, to include members of their own organizations. These personnel also conduct lengthy solo operations throughout the world on their own initiative without having to report to or coordinate with anyone else.
* Anyone with any level of pilot training can fly and land any aircraft without any prior familiarization, and with no more than a cursory scan of the control panel.
* Anyone sporting blue coveralls and a toolbox can enter any part of any airport at any time.
* Veteran detectives with one week left until retirement are usually sent out against their will on a final dangerous mission with an unstable rookie partner whom they intensely dislike.
* Hardly anyone ever farts.
* Jack Bauer can hold a pee for 24 hours.
* If the end of the world is coming, only 3 people will know and they are, coincidentally, the only people on earth equipped with the knowledge to stop it.
* Cell phones never have outages, dropped calls or tower issues. Even in Siberia, all 5 bars are present without interruption and the urgent calls always get through. Clearly they are not with Verizon.
* Every powerful computer in the world is DOS based. Microsoft does not exist
* A laptop battery can last for days at a time without being recharged
* Systems never crash or freeze up. This could be due to the no Microsoft issue mentioned above.
* You can hack a password (DOS again mind you) in 5 tries or less
* Similarly, you can decrypt ANYTHING in 5 minutes
* Wireless connection is available everywhere, including the sewers of New York, ancient burial tombs in Egypt, nuclear reactor cores, and the vaults of Fort Knox. This is helpful for using the laptop with the endless battery.
* Sensitive software programs and harddrives will self destruct if tampered with
* No one ever backs up anything important.
* When there is no way to get to the ground from the top of a 10 story building you can always jump into the Chinese restaurant’s dumpster (to which the lid is always open) below and walk away with noodles on your shoulder.
* A kitchen table, flipped on its side, provides unbreachable cover against all weapons except the infamous slow-motion RPG, which takes 10 seconds to cross the room
* You can outrun a 10,000 foot-per-second explosion
* Bottles in western saloons can be shot and shatttered without affecting the mirror behind them
* Soldiers on guard duty always hold their rifles where they point upwards to the side at a 45-degree angle
* People are perfectly capable of outrunning on foot helicopter gunships shooting at them
* Helicopter gunships carry rounds in the tens of thousands, especially if fighting Godzilla
* Navy SEALs jump out of aircraft over the ocean wearing their boots, and have special training allowing them put on fins in time for landing in the water
* Navy SEALs love to jump off of bridges, steal their cars off of tow trucks, and in firefights, jump up and down screaming "WOO-HOO!!"
* Ex-"Green Berets" are always bad guys
* Special Operations men in jungles always have huge muscles and a love for oversized weapons
* Nuclear submarines only have one radio to maintain contact with the outside world, and are not required to send confirmation back to HQ upon receiving the order to launch or to not launch nuclear missiles.
* Navy Admirals and Captains are always old white men who love cigars
* When chasing the primary villain on foot, you will always have an unlimited supply of rounds. However, when the villain arrives at the dead-end, drop your weapon, as it will either be out of rounds or jammed.
* Good guys are always good-looking. Bad guys are always bad-looking.
* The previous rule does not always apply to female villains
* All villain businessman have a female lover villain who is an expert in martial arts and firearms and usually leads the teams of thugs that do the businessman's dirty work
* Glass bottles, when thrown against someone's skull, shatter easily
* Aliens that have superior intelligence and technology to humans, allowing them to travel through deep space for long distances to Earth, take no account of whether Earth's atmosphere will do them harm, and come down to invade Earth naked
* Aliens are always physically stronger than humans
* Aliens that have the leg strength/explosiveness to jump onto the roofs of buildings are unable to kick down doors
* Gravity can be generated on space stations simply by "firing the thrusters"
* Explosions in outer space are very loud
* Batman can leap off of buildings and soar through the air without watching where he is going and never accidentally smacking a skyscraper
* Batman's armor can withstand direct gunfire, but Catwoman's homemade claws can puncture it like rubber
* All locked doors can be opened with a good kick
* For law-enforcement officials standing outside a closed door to a room in which much gunfire is going on, standard procedure is to kick the door in, go in shouting, "POLICE!" and empty your entire clip into the first thug you see. Proceed to re-load and fire at anything that moves.
* For law-enforcement officials waiting in a car outside of a building in which an undercover drug deal is taking place, if the deal goes bad and shooting starts, proceed to drive through the wall of the building; upon arriving inside, swing open the doors, roll out, and start shooting
* Aircraft that carry high-profile criminals are clearly labeled regarding their cargo
* 9mm pistols fire rounds with enough force to send people flying through the air
* Assault rifles, especialy M-16s, fire with the speed and accuracy of belt-fed machine guns, and usually can hold just as many rounds in the space of a single magazine
* One assault rifle in each hand is always better than one in two hands.
* When being chased by a monster or crazy truck driver along a twisting road, always look behind you more times than watching the road.
* Engines, when required, will absolutely never start
* Wrongly-accused fugitives always can outrun pursuing police cars on foot
* Villains always give an obligatory speech before pulling the trigger on the hero, thus giving the hero said time to formulate an escape
* Never insult a truck driver. They will hunt you down and kill you over even the most minor offense
* Women always go to bed with their makeup and earrings on, and wake up with perfect hair and makeup, and perfect breath
* No matter how many times the hero is punched or kicked in the jaw, it never breaks and he never loses any teeth.
* The hero can start with an armory full of weapons, but the last fight is always with knives or knuckles.
* If you run out of ammo for your weapon, just drop it where you're at.
* Never carry extra magazines for your assault rifles, always shoot from the hip, and when you run out of ammo (at the exact same time as your buddies), just throw down your weapons and surrender to the guys who, only moments before, were desperately trying to kill you.
The bad guys, now that you are disarmed, no longer wish to shoot you, but rather try and talk you to death.
* Bombs and mortars NEVER explode in foxholes or shell craters.
* Everyone can hold their breath while swimming a half mile underwater.
* The good guys always calmly and in slow-motion walk away from a large explosion behind them. Usually a building explosion...and as the good guys walk away (sometimes with his female companion at his side), he has this menacing look on his face "that's right...I'm bad".
On the other hand...a grenade or other type of small explosion will send no less than two bad guys flying through the air.
* No magazine or clip fed weapon is ever carried with a round in the chamber (especially pistols). In fact most of the time a round is only ever chambered to show the person (after much discussion) that you are really serious about shooting them. Otherwise you can cover a bad guy with an empty chamber (or they can cover the good guy), until just before pulling the trigger.
Feb14-10, 03:51 PM
Mel brooks is funny.
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