Are Intelligent, Socially Awkward Males Unsuccessful Women Due to Being "Shallow?"

lisab

Total BS.

cronxeh

must've plucked a feminist string

lisab

Or maybe you were simply very wrong .

cronxeh

i will admit the possibility that i am wrong if you admit the possibility that compulsive sex addiction lowers self esteem

lisab

Of course it does, for both men and women. But you're saying that a 27-year-old woman who has had four lovers in her life, all in monogamous relationships, is a compulsive sex addict? That's totally bogus.

SouthGoingZax

You know, it's funny: I forget which post, but someone mentioned that his interactions with a girl sort of improved his confidence and made him more able to approach another girl later on.

Freshman year of undergrad, there was a guy in my hallway who was cute and brilliant but SO painfully awkward. My roomate and I used to giggle because he'd turn bright red and start fidgeting every time we even said hi to him. One night he was playing Go in the common area and I sat down with him and we started talking. I knew he was doing research with one of the physics profs, and when I asked him about it, he totally came alive and was more articulate than I'd ever seen him. After that, we ended up hanging out, playing chess or Go in one of our rooms a lot, studying together, etc.

I would have loved to have dated him, but I felt like I couldn't have the full responsibility of a relationship at the time, because I was having to study so much. I think he was in the same boat too. So we kept hanging out, ended up kissing and cuddling a few times, but nothing more. We never put a label on it. The funny thing was, as the semester went on, I started noticing that his demeanor changed: he would seek people out more often, was more outspoken in class and in general, and even started going to the gym. I don't know if it was just a product of coming into his own having hit college, but I can't help but think maybe having some female interaction boosted his confidence a bit too.

cronxeh

bogus based on what? I said 2 is too many, 4 is greater than 2. You see the logic here? She did not have to have sex with any of them or she would've stayed with guy #3 or #4. The fact is, the next guy she has sex with is not going to be her last, hence compulsive sex

SouthGoingZax

You know, it's funny: I forget which post, but someone mentioned that his interactions with a girl sort of improved his confidence and made him more able to approach another girl later on.

Freshman year of undergrad, there was a guy in my hallway who was cute and brilliant but SO painfully awkward. My roomate and I used to giggle because he'd turn bright red and start fidgeting every time we even said hi to him. One night he was playing Go in the common area and I sat down with him and we started talking. I knew he was doing research with one of the physics profs, and when I asked him about it, he totally came alive and was more articulate than I'd ever seen him. After that, we ended up hanging out, playing chess or Go in one of our rooms a lot, studying together, etc.

I would have loved to have dated him, but I felt like I couldn't have the full responsibility of a relationship at the time, because I was having to study so much. I think he was in the same boat too. So we kept hanging out, ended up kissing and cuddling a few times, but nothing more. We never put a label on it. The funny thing was, as the semester went on, I started noticing that his demeanor changed: he would seek people out more often, was more outspoken in class and in general, and even started going to the gym. I don't know if it was just a product of coming into his own having hit college, but I can't help but think maybe having some female interaction boosted his confidence a bit too.

lisab

You think 2 is too many over a course of probably 10 years?!? For Mother Teresa, maybe!

Maybe they were all lousy lovers.

SouthGoingZax

Lousy? No way. Get rid of the pocket protector, and set aside the glasses (so they don't break) and you'd be surprised. Muahahhaaha.

cronxeh

yeah im already not surprised

DaveC426913

croxeh, can you please clarify:
1] Is it symmetrical? i.e. does it apply to both men and women?
2] Are you saying that the first act of sex bonds you to that person for life, both biologically and morally? If that's not what you're saying, I'm missing it. If so, can you please back this up?

cronxeh

1. I think it equally applies to both sexes

2. It doesn't bind you for life, just releases biological incentive to be physiologically bonded to that mate, and creates a psychological desire by positive reinforcement. Vasopressin makes you protective of your mate. Oxytocin promotes bonding by building trust and recognizing the scent of the baby or the mate and favorably responding to it. It is the hormone that makes you 'swoon' and cuddly with someone. During sex both of these hormones are released.

Dopamine spike from being with someone gives you the pleasure but also creates addiction on par with cocaine use. Serotonin spike makes you fantasize about your lover, creates vivid sex depictions in your mind where sex actually takes place. It cures depression and makes you a lovestruck crackhead, literally.

Addiction, dependence, reinforcement, and psychological answer to the life's greatest question of purpose and existence are answered when you are high and in love

Evo

But people fall out of love and no longer have feelings toward that person or even loathe and despise that person.

I don't see a problem with having sex with your current "love", no matter how many relationships. I don't even think love has to be a factor, just two consenting adults. Now that there is very reliable birth control, there is no need to continue with the taboo of pre-marital sex that once had a purpose to prevent unwanted pregnancies.

cronxeh

Nothing lasts of course, and you end up drifting apart and splitting. After a while you find someone else and then go through the motions again, so in the end the whole point was about procreation. Ensure attraction, bond, and enough jumba juice to last through the gestation and infancy.

That is why life is pointless, as it insists upon itself.

Math Is Hard

A person doesn't always bond with a person they have sex with. Sometimes they do, sure. But other times, sex can just be for recreation (a la friends with benefits), and that's the end of it. Still other times, a person might wake up hung over on New Year's morning next to their best friend's creepy brother and actually feel repulsed and start considering gnawing an arm off to escape. But, I digress.

Anyway, I don't see this "biological commitment' from sex idea as a universal truth. Everyone's different.

AUK 1138

if you knew what he was saying you'd understand. commitment was a poor word choice, imo. i would have said "sex makes you biologically predisposed to want to have sex with the same person again." which, isn't really anything shocking. and sure, everyone is different, but unless you have some kind of abnormality, your body will secrete hormones when you bone.