when to disclose details of sexuality

nucleargirl

actually I dont think anyone is turned on by a wimp... I dont think anyone even wants to be friends with a wimp... but being agressive is like being the polar opposite of a wimp, and we all know how extremes of any kind are not good! I dont think anyone wants to be with a agressive person neither. Basically both characteristics show fear inside, and a lack of confidence.

I think being in the middle- no fear, no aggression, just being you and being a confident person is best.

cronxeh

No, aggression feels good. It has nothing to do with fear, it is a pure feeling of rage that you can channel into something productive. You can be aggressive during a fight, during sex, during competition, during math exam, or during a job interview. And like I said, I am not a violent person.

DanP

Behold Cronxeh (top )

cronxeh

There is a difference between hostile and instrumental aggression

nucleargirl

hm interesting... I dont really have this feeling that you describe...
when I feel like doing something productive I usually feel more like happy - like yeah! I'm doing this amazing thing! yay!
actually, ok I have felt aggression when I'm angry, but I wouldn't describe it as constructive- more destructive if anything... it shuts off my mind and stops me thinking, and then its not good, especially if you are arguing with someone. It just makes me feel really mad! not good feeling!
Never felt it in a job interview - more nervous and scared!

cronxeh

No kidding. You are a girl, or a very wimpy guy. Either way, you can't know what it feels like to be a man

Quite the opposite for me. Aggression gives me clarity, boost of energy, and numbs any pain I may feel. It is the ultimate rush, I guess if you play DnD/WoW its like the barbarian rage. ROOAAR!!

DanP

cronxeh

No, no. Anger leads to hostile aggression. It is an irrational fear coupled with frustration that you feel. It is just sillypants.

Instrumental aggression is awesome:



Hostile aggression is lame:

DanP

Instrumental aggression:

aggression against another person in which the aggression is used as a means of securing some reward or to achieve a goal.

It's basically predatory aggression. If you say you are not a violent person, believe me, you never had used instrumental aggression.

brainstorm

I once worked for an elderly guy who explained the etymology of ag-gress(ion) to me as meaning simply "going toward." Aggression is really just a feeling of invigoration in working toward a goal. Nevertheless, you should understand that many people have been taught to fear and repress aggression with the belief that there are less violent ways to pursue goals. This is somewhat indicative of the "Freudian era," if I could call it that, because the strategy is to "sublimate" aggression by channeling it into less direct expression. Imo, passive aggression is rampant in present-day culture because of the high degree of aggression-repression/sublimation, but you have to understand that people who are acting passive aggressive aren't directly choosing to express their aggression that way. All they perceive is the "active" aggression that they are avoiding. For example, they feel like punching you or screaming at you for something, but since they control themselves and avoid doing that, they are patting themselves on the back for their self-control without thinking about the fact that they are being snide or turning progressive shades of red while maintaining an artificially calm tone.

In any case, there's really not much point in arguing a case for aggression to such people, because they will always stay fixated on hyper-violent imagery of active aggression such as the picture of squirrels electrocuting each other above. In truth, aggression can be expressed in a harmless way, and even less harmfully than passive forms of aggression, but for that to happen, people have to have a sense of it being ok. As long as someone experiences any form of expressing active aggression as breaking a taboo, they will only react with their own (passive) aggression toward the breach of the taboo. So, you're just exposing yourself to reactionary aggression by expressing any legitimacy for aggression.

DanP

The layman definitions are pretty much remote from the definitions used in social psychology.

cronxeh

I have never used violence to achieve a goal. I have used aggression to achieve a goal, and trust me, I felt good while doing it. I guess for you to understand the difference, refer to Cesar Millan's show The Dog Whisperer. People are a lot alike to dogs when it comes to social attitudes.

nucleargirl

hm, yes this is all very interesting - I had no idea there were different types of aggression! but I think we are digressing from the thread so maybe we should start a new one if we are to discuss this further.

DanP

I really think you confuse some terms here, or you created your own definitions for "aggression", especially for the instrumental type.Perhaps you discovered how it is to be assertive. But ok, beeit as you say. Lets talk about chicks.

brainstorm

Notice the difference between the denotation of root-meanings and the connotations expressed in the following definition from the online etymology dictionary:

gradi/gressus means "to step" and the prefix mean "toward." Whether "stepping toward" something or someone is interpreted as hostile, violent, or to what extent really has to do with the perspective of the person getting "stepped toward," right? The person doing the stepping might not intend hostility or violence. Likewise, if something directs some expression or action in your direction and you react with a great deal of fear and defensiveness, this could be out of an intense desire to control interactions with others completely.

Either way, the point is that by defining aggression at a taboo level of violence and hostility, it creates a premium to repress and control it. The question then becomes what is strong enough to repress and control aggression except another form of aggression, preferably one that doesn't bring attack on itself by appearing as aggression. In other words, passive aggression. Don't believe me? Read back through the post responses to the pro-aggression stance and analyze what tactics people used to "put aggression in its place."

lisab

I think agression without violence can be called assertiveness.

But for the OP...are you certain what you're dealing with is a true sexual addiction? I mean, was this a diagnosis from a trained counselor?

Astronuc

Actually assertiveness and aggression are to different behaviors.

Speaking up for oneself or standing one's ground is assertive, but not aggressive. Simply expression one's feelings without feeling inadequate is assertive, not aggressive.