over protective..help

ViewsofMars

I would like to backtrack on this conversation.
So you seem to be arguing with Astronuc and what I earlier stated , “Smothering someone with genuine love which is filled with honesty is fine. It's important and extremely healthy for rumpyson and his girlfriend to have freedom of space within their relationship. There is not a single person that I personally know that lives with someone 24 hours a day except if he/she are on their death bed. ”

First off, my husband and I don’t argue. So I won’t be arguing with you either. Arguing with people is unhealthy. As far as your comment, “My wife knows that I need about a full day alone about once a month, and I'm aware of her need to be social. We both make compromises for each other and it makes for a fulfilling relationship.” The impression I’m getting from your statement is that you leave your wife one full day (24 hours) once a month since you have been married because you wish to be anti-social whereas your wife prefers to be social. Personally speaking, a relationship, especially a married couple, consists of two individuals that are socially compatible who enjoy each others company and people that are non-argumentative. I leave it at that and say, “Adieu. Wishing you the best life has to offer.”:smile

micromass

I don't see it like that. There will always be frctions and arguments between people. But people that love eachother are ready to make compromises for the other person. You may not always like what the other person does (and it's ok not to like it), but out of love you let them do it otherwise. If you like everything about your partner: good for you. But it's not something necessary for a relationship...

ViewsofMars

No wonder divorce is at its all time high! People who truly love each other and are married don't argue if they are mature adults. I not only like but love everything about my husband. He is perfectly beautiful in my eyes. And every woman that I personally know that is married thinks the same way about their husband.

micromass

Well then, you should be lucky with your husband. Most couples do have occasional arguments, and that's ok.

Maybe you shouldn't generalize your situation to other couples. Not everybody is the same and should be the same of you.

Dembadon

Perhaps you mean "showering?"

Here's a definition of "smothering" from the Oxford dictionary:

make (someone) feel trapped and oppressed by acting in an overly protective manner toward them

If you're making someone feel trapped and oppressed, then frankly, it doesn't matter what your intentions are. You need to consider the other person's ability to absorb what you have to offer and make adjustments accordingly.

Your reasoning is analogous to the following: "It's okay if I'm making someone feel trapped because I'm doing it with honest, genuine, love." (unless you're defining "smothering" in any other way than what's in English dictionaries):

I don't know why you keep ignoring the negative aspects of smothering. Again, just because you aren't suffocating someone doesn't mean that it can't happen. I have already acknowledged your point of view and have been making an effort to be more precise and careful with the idea of "smothering." If you're unable to see another perspective, then I guess there isn't much more to discuss in that arena.

Yikes! You do realize that there are perfectly healthy ways to argue, right?

Stuffing feelings of offense or disappointment is what's unhealthy. Not being able to express a different point-of-view due to a fear of argument is also unhealthy. Arguing is perfectly healthy if done in a mature way: that means no insults, shouting, manipulation, etc.

Relationships usually involve compromise. However, you seem to have found someone who agrees with everything you say and enjoys everything you enjoy. You both are extremely lucky because I've never seen that happen, even in the movies!

I don't "leave my wife." We are often in the same room during my "alone time." What we avoid is making plans with other people or going to social events. Hopefully this clears-up the misunderstanding.

Thank you!

I also sincerely wish you the best and congratulate you on 30 years!

ViewsofMars

Luck has nothing to do with my marriage. People who truly love each other and are married don't argue if they are mature adults. They discuss in a calm manner.

The word "smothering" as I have used it means "a slow fire" (Websters). Love is a slow fire that never dies out in my marriage. It's always burning like a bright light in my life. I'm such a romantic when it comes to the heart of the matter.

A sincere thank you. I do recall earlier stating that I have been married 'over' 30 years.

I think I'll move onward to another board. I've had enough of this topic.

Dembadon

Now I'm thoroughly confused. You found a dictionary that has "a slow fire" as the definition for "smother"? I now see why there has been so much confusion.

You're absolutely right; my mistake.

chroot

ViewsofMars, this thread wasn't about you and your starry-eyed ideal relationship where nothing bad ever happens. Why are you so insistent about making the thread about you? Projection?

rumpyson, I'm just going to say it straight, man. You're a total *******. If you get angry at her for going away for a day with a girlfriend, you are unprepared for a serious relationship, and you need to spend some time getting your own, individual life in order. Your relationship isn't just about you, your needs, and your standards of conduct. I feel sorry for your girlfriend.

- Warren

netgypsy

A family member was dating someone she was quite serious about but she had had a bad breakup some time before and quite frankly could do just fine without a romantic interest. He mentioned to her that he was going to spend the weekend at a sports tournament out of time. She said fine. She already had another date lined up. Guess what - he didn't go.

Now I do hear warning bells in your relationship. 1. It's not equal. You trust her but she doesn't trust you and nothing you can say or do helps. This is a sure sign "that she has cheating on her mind". Sorry but in a good relationship trust is a given. 2. You NEED her for your mental health. You will never have a good relationship until you are a complete person. Until you can live happily without a romantic relationship. So you need to make the effort to find some outside activities that you can do on a regular basis. Are there not some hobbies you have, interests you have, groups you can join for fun. A sport you like, something you like to collect, a pet dog you can walk and meet people at the dog park. There are a million things that are fun and a way to meet people. Find one.

this same person had been married for probably 15 years when her husband's father shamed him into going to a football game without even asking her if they had something they had already committed to. She didn't say a word. She just got out the car, hooked up the boat, got their son and went fishing and since the lake was right near the ballgame she picked up her husband after the game and they continued fishing and had a great time. He got the point that she wasn't going to get upset about something like that. It was thoughtless but she could deal with it.

So where are you? You need her more than she needs you. That is NOT a good thing. You need to fix that. You don't want to be in a relationship where one of you is NEEDY. So take care of YOURSELF by finding other people who share your interests, who are fun and whose company you enjoy. I would also strongly advise that you get out of that house while she's gone. Go to some movies or go play pool or go to a game arcade. GET OUT of there.