I want to sleep with my Professor


by EternityMech
Tags: professor, sleep
Galteeth
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#55
Jan22-12, 04:28 PM
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Quote Quote by Antiphon View Post
You fell prey to the well-known Podium Effect.

It's why millions of women go nuts for Rock Stars. Take the microphone away from the average rock star and what do you have? A blue-collar working-class man with bad manners and a sordid history with drugs and lots of women. What's attractive about that? Nothing- until he's on stage being adored and respected by others.
Couldn't it also be that people find the capacity to create art attractive?
MarcoD
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#56
Jan22-12, 05:16 PM
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Quote Quote by Chronos View Post
This whole idea is highly unethical. A person in a position of authority should never have a personal relationship with someone under their current jurisdiction. It is, at best, a prejudicial relationship in the eyes of all others subject to that authority. If you hide the fact, you are merely fueling the gossip fires.
You confuse tradition, or ritual, with ethics.
MarcoD
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#57
Jan22-12, 05:17 PM
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Quote Quote by Loess View Post
The guy I started to see fairly recently was my course tutor.
Girl, if you would be the kind of woman to sleep with your professor, you would have done it.
netgypsy
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#58
Jan22-12, 06:02 PM
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Except it's a guy wanting to sleep with his female professor. :-)
MarcoD
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#59
Jan22-12, 06:45 PM
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Ah, I thought Loess was the original poster. Whatever, comment still holds.
lisab
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#60
Jan22-12, 09:59 PM
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Quote Quote by Chronos View Post
This whole idea is highly unethical. A person in a position of authority should never have a personal relationship with someone under their current jurisdiction. It is, at best, a prejudicial relationship in the eyes of all others subject to that authority. If you hide the fact, you are merely fueling the gossip fires.
I agree with you. An imbalance of power is *never* OK in an intimate/sexual relationship. It's a recipe for disaster all around.

But I've learned from my PF friends who aren't in North America that this belief is highly influenced by culture.
MarcoD
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#61
Jan23-12, 08:45 AM
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Quote Quote by lisab View Post
I agree with you. An imbalance of power is *never* OK in an intimate/sexual relationship. It's a recipe for disaster all around.
Two points: a) By that reasoning, people shouldn't get married. And b), in the case of -say- Clinton, it is highly debatable who had power over whom.

And a last point: Professors have authority over students? Don't make me laugh.
lisab
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#62
Jan23-12, 09:19 AM
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Quote Quote by MarcoD View Post
Two points: a) By that reasoning, people shouldn't get married. And b), in the case of -say- Clinton, it is highly debatable who had power over whom.

And a last point: Professors have authority over students? Don't make me laugh.
You may disagree over whether an imbalance of power is a big deal or not - like I said, that's mostly a culturally influenced point of view. But to think that there is no such thing approaches willful ignorance.

I won't chase your Clinton straw man.
MarcoD
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#63
Jan23-12, 09:30 AM
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Quote Quote by lisab View Post
You may disagree over whether an imbalance of power is a big deal or not - like I said, that's mostly a culturally influenced point of view. But to think that there is no such thing approaches willful ignorance.

I won't chase your Clinton straw man.
I am saying all relations have an imbalance of power, so that point is moot.

God, I even lived together with a student. She was my partner and some people objected to that. But, sorry, when looking at the relation, none of the rational arguments stuck, and I don't think there are any.

It seems to boil down to feeling, mostly.
netgypsy
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#64
Jan23-12, 09:52 AM
P: 239
The Clintons have a balance of power which I suspect is the reason they are still married.

I do remember a comic in the newspaper showing Hillary, Bill and Buddy at the veterinarian's office. The vet looks at Hillary and asks her "Which one is here to be neutered?"

People do stupid things and this includes very intelligent people. I did like Monica's comment though when she was being asked about their dalliance. She said something like I didn't think it was anyone else's business.

Of course the big problem here was, as is the problem with the person who originated this thread - he was married and they did not have equal power.

I would hope the young man who posted this question would look at all the trouble this caused and stick to fantasy at least until graduation.

I personally know three cases of students who actually married their teacher. The first was a young single male teacher and coach. He met the student working on a student newspaper. He somehow obviously found out the interest was mutual and immediately went to her parents. She was a senior at the time. The only times they saw each other was at her house with her parents there. She was a high school senior when they met. She went on to college and they continued dating and married after she graduated. They are still married 30 years later. This is the way it's done right.

the second one, the teacher was female and married. A real good looking woman. She knew the student as she taught him and worked with him as he was the student body president. She was married to an older man. The story was, the older man had "problems" and he refused to deal with them. She eventually divorced him and in a year or so began dating the former student who had now graduated from college and worked for a mortgage bank. They are still happily married after 15 years. Another one that was done right.

The last case was a 15 year old young man and his female teacher. They were caught in the proverbial compromising situation. They did marry but people who know them well say there is a power problem in this one.

So if there really is potential for a lasting relationship a few years doesn't make much difference.
netgypsy
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#65
Jan23-12, 10:09 AM
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Quote Quote by MarcoD View Post
I am saying all relations have an imbalance of power, so that point is moot.
Respectfully disagree. I know many many marriages/partnerships where the power is equal. There can be division of labor or not but there is total respect for the partner and a willingness on both parts to do 100% when needed with no asking and no complaining. They see a need and fill it.

The men in this type of relationship are very very secure in their masculinity and the women, in their femininity meaning they know they are smart and attractive and many make the effort to stay healthy and attractive regardless of age. These are the ones who are still mountain biking together in their 70's.

The cultural "differences" in power balance are interesting. I lived in a third world country for a couple of years and worked there and when I left to go over there, people in the US told me that the women in that country were essentially powerless. I found it to be quite the opposite. The middle and upper class women were more empowered and independent than women in the US at the time and the working poor women were also very much empowered and valued by their spouses. Birth control was widely available and free in many cases 35 years ago in that country so women had control over their reproduction and therefore their economic situation. Of course there were those who were not in balanced relationships but people come in such a wide variety of types that's going to happen everywhere.

A male relative once told his brother he would never marry a woman smarter than he was. A number of my nerdy male friends feel the same way. But my male chemistry professor told all the guys in my huge lecture class - find the smartest woman who will have you and marry her. You will NEVER be sorry. And this was a million years ago. I stills mile when I think of him. Great teacher too and very happily married.

WOW I haven't even had any coffee yet and am seriously running on at the mouth.
MarcoD
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#66
Jan23-12, 10:17 AM
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Quote Quote by netgypsy View Post
The men in this type of relationship are very very secure in their masculinity and the women, in their femininity meaning they know they are smart and attractive and many make the effort to stay healthy and attractive regardless of age. These are the ones who are still mountain biking together in their 70's.
Well, you didn't convince me with that. I could rephrase it as to that I find it meaningless to talk about 'balances of power' within adult relationships. Unless it's a totally abusive relationship, you'll never figure out what balance of power exists, whether the concept itself is an illusion, or whether other people just project it into a relationship.

If it would be about 'balance of power,' I propose we only condone same sex marriages.
netgypsy
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#67
Jan23-12, 11:33 AM
P: 239
Same sex marriages have the same problems as hetero. If one is more powerful they will bully the other in one way or another. I hope you realize I don't mean physical power. If that were true people would never be able to ride a horse - yet they can. Power is knowing the other person's currency and having what they want. When both parties can walk away, neither will bully the other if they both care enough to want the relationship to continue.

I'd love to know if you feel the same way in 30 years.
I like Serena
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#68
Jan23-12, 04:38 PM
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Many relationships start out or end up with unequal power.
I think that the key to a successful relationship is that you find a balance.

Any two people are different and each has his/her strong and weak spots.
Plenty of opportunity to (re)balance a relationship (or end it).
I believe there's no real reason to avoid a relationship just because it may start out unequal at some points.
netgypsy
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#69
Jan23-12, 04:54 PM
P: 239
When it starts out you don't really know if it will ever balance. This is the point of dating. To see if there are points of contention that are deal breakers. A friend started going out with someone who smoked. it was a deal breaker. he quit smoking. Another friend married a smoker and she quit but started back five years later. It's a huge problem.

Sometimes one party hides their real self because they want to marry the person for a variety of reasons. After the marriage the deal breakers start showing up. Another friend dated her fiance for five years before they married. She said he became a totally different person once they were married. She divorced and is now happily married to a guy she worked with for quite a while before they even went out so she knew what he was like for real.

Studies say you have two years to change a new spouse. After that - forget it. But it's a lot better if you're both honest and upfront from the beginning. It's also a bit easier if neither of you is so good looking you turn heads wherever you go. I know really good looking men and women who deliberately play down their appearance because it's annoying to have people drooling over you all the time. Not that I have any personal experience with this but I have relatives and friends who have. Caused them a lot of problems.

The mother of one of these "drop dead gorgeous" girls told me that when her daughter went to school on the first day of the fourth grade and came home to report on it her mother said well how did it go. The 9 year old sighed and said - it's the same as always - all the boys like me. the daughter actually turned out to be a very nice person but her mother worried about her all the time.
MarcoD
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#70
Jan23-12, 08:10 PM
P: 98
Quote Quote by netgypsy View Post
Same sex marriages have the same problems as hetero. If one is more powerful they will bully the other in one way or another. I hope you realize I don't mean physical power. If that were true people would never be able to ride a horse - yet they can. Power is knowing the other person's currency and having what they want. When both parties can walk away, neither will bully the other if they both care enough to want the relationship to continue.
Well, that's my point. I don't think balance is a useful metric. What should it be? 50/50, 20/80, 80/20? Even in a very traditional marriage where the man works enormous amounts of hours, and the woman stays at home with the kids, you'll never find out what the balance is, or whether it is good for them.

IMO, in order for a relationship to be wrong, somebody needs to be 'hurt' somewhere. Like real hurt, intentional by the other party and not self-inflicted. If not, there's not a lot you can say about anything when two consenting adults get involved into any transaction, giving stuff away, having sex, having relationships, getting into SM, whatever. It's a free country. (Which is why I think you'll never find an argument. It may not be wise, it may also not be very traditional, but that doesn't make it 'wrong.')

I'd love to know if you feel the same way in 30 years.
Yeah well, that makes two of us. I am not very well known for changing my opinions and I don't do it very often; I don't think I'll change my opinion on this one. Especially since in this case, I am the expert.
turbo
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#71
Jan23-12, 08:52 PM
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A sister of one of my oldest friends was about 2 years older than me. My math teacher was visiting her at home (supervised) for a while before she graduated. They have been married for over 40 years, and he is the most winning basketball coach in school history and probably in state history. When they met, he had just graduated and she was a HS Senior. Not a bad situation if you've got a bit of time to wait and know each other.
lisab
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#72
Jan23-12, 09:19 PM
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For goodness' sake, I'm not advocating a perfectly balanced power structure - that's absurd. Straw man much?

It's a bad idea to 1) date your boss, 2) date your professor, 3) date your commanding officer...etc., the list goes on.

In many cultures this falls squarely under "common sense". But I've realized that not all cultures have this point of view, so if you disagree, don't go on the attack. Simply recognize it as a cultural difference and try a drop of tolerance.

One reason is it wrecks morale of others in the group. For that reason, the person with the higher authority should exercise good judgement, self-restraint, and self-control -- that's one of the reasons those qualities are sought out in leaders.


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