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Age gap

by Adyssa
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Adyssa
#19
Feb20-12, 09:36 PM
P: 188
I caught a fair bit of sarcasm in that one, bp_psy. :)
CaptFirePanda
#20
Feb21-12, 03:39 PM
P: 27
Quote Quote by Adyssa View Post
I appreciate what you are saying here, but I'd like to clarify my position as I think you have assigned me a view that I do not hold.

There's a really good chance that her maturity level is higher than mine, I've grown up slowly. My requirements in that department extend to not taking delight in fart / sex jokes and having interests beyond the latest sitcom. These things are already evaluated. She even likes real music.

The problem I have with the age gap is twofold, first the stigma of "older chasing younger" which worries me, because I have the utmost respect for women and I don't want to act inappropriately. I don't chase tail. I'm not looking at her through lust-filled eyes, and I don't want to be that guy. Second, I'm a boring sod. I went out so much in my twenties that I can't bear it any more. I won't go into it too much, but I was a complete waster. These days, I feel anxious and out of place in pubs and nightclubs. I fear I would just be a burden, a homebody who gets his kicks from programming and reading books.
I'm not sure who you're trying to convince here - yourself or the people around you.

Honestly, if you're interested in her, she appeals to you on more than just one level then for it. The only thing you'll gain by not trying it is a sense of regret.

The only thing I would caution you on is the fact that dating/seeing a co-worker can turn nasty if the relationship sours. It also makes it a little difficult to find some time to yourself.
alt
#21
Feb22-12, 06:04 AM
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P: 322
Adyssya .. you gotta be kidding me. You say you haven't so much as spoken to a girl in 8 years ? And you are hesitating here ?

You have expressed no dearth of affection and good positive vibes between you and her .. what the *#$@ are you waiting for - another 8 year interlude ?

She is 9 years younger ? She might be immature ? So what ? Well, she's probably 19 year old mature .. but acting a little older .. a little younger .. SO WHAT ? Enjoy it and her.

My wife is 12.5 years younger than me. I met when I was 30 - she was 17.5 .. just finishing school. Was she immature ? Yep ! - SO WHAT ?
25 years and 4 kids later, we're still each others fan club.

How is it that a significant age difference between male / female is considered dirty ? I'm mystified my this pc bs.

Do something great in your life - GO FOR HER ! You may never get another chance !
Galteeth
#22
Feb22-12, 08:29 AM
P: 320
Quote Quote by alt View Post
Adyssya .. you gotta be kidding me. You say you haven't so much as spoken to a girl in 8 years ? And you are hesitating here ?
Woah, missed that part. I would say to the OP, is it possible you are sort of looking for excuses subconsciously to not pursue her? Eight years is along time (especially from 22 to 30). Is there more going on here? Do you think maybe you would benefit from some counseling?
Adyssa
#23
Feb22-12, 09:00 PM
P: 188
There is more going on. For the sake of brevity, and not to unload too heavy of a thing, I've been (edit: I should say I was :P) an emotional mess for a long time, mostly due to a series of very unfortunate events over the first half of the last decade. I went back to uni 2 years ago, I've dug myself out of a deep hole, and I'm in a pretty good place now. I feel good about myself again. :) I'm not looking for counselling, but maybe that goes some way to explaining why I'm a bit awkward with girls.

I don't have much of a sounding board for these topics, maybe this thread was just to say some things out loud.

I appreciate your fired up post alt, you made a few good points that hit home :)
lisab
#24
Feb22-12, 11:03 PM
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Quote Quote by Adyssa View Post
There is more going on. For the sake of brevity, and not to unload too heavy of a thing, I've been an emotional mess for a long time, mostly due to a series of very unfortunate events over the first half of the last decade. I went back to uni 2 years ago, I've dug myself out of a deep hole, and I'm in a pretty good place now. I feel good about myself again. :) I'm not looking for counselling, but maybe that goes some way to explaining why I'm a bit awkward with girls.

I don't have much of a sounding board for these topics, maybe this thread was just to say some things out loud.

I appreciate your fired up post alt, you made a few good points that hit home :)
Well, in that case, it could be a good thing if she's not very mature .
MarcoD
#25
Feb22-12, 11:34 PM
P: 98
Quote Quote by lisab View Post
Well, in that case, it could be a good thing if she's not very mature .
Why would you think that? Young people don't normally have the patience or experience to deal with complex situations. I would forget about it.

Young people normally hook up with older people because of the stability, not the reverse.

(Anyway, I broke up with a young person because of some problems. I don't think you should do it.)
rootX
#26
Feb22-12, 11:45 PM
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Personally speaking, 30-21 seems wider age gap than say 40-31 or so on ...
MarcoD
#27
Feb23-12, 12:24 AM
P: 98
Quote Quote by rootX View Post
Personally speaking, 30-21 seems wider age gap than say 40-31 or so on ...
So? 50-41 seems wider than 40-31 too? The age gap is not the criterium, that has already been decided on by society, you can look it up in the laws. And, from my experience, a relation like that is as normal as cake.

(Uhm, I am probably older than you, but I live in a student city and am pretty well aware of what goes on there in the weekends. I've had a female roommate of 22 with an alcoholic friend of 40, a friend of thirty with a girlfriend of 18, a colleague of 35 with a girlfriend of 19, a bar owner who used to date his personnel sometimes, a friend of 16 with a teacher (ok, not good), and probably more if I try to remember better. Not to mention what goes off each weekend when people get drunk, or famous people in the news with similar age gaps. Heck I 'dated' someone of 30 when I was 18, and I lived together with someone of 21 when I was 37. Sorry, but it really is as normal as cake, unless you've been living under a rock.)
rootX
#28
Feb23-12, 01:03 AM
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Quote Quote by MarcoD View Post
(Uhm, I am probably older than you, but I live in a student city and am pretty well aware of what goes on there in the weekends. I've had a female roommate of 22 with an alcoholic friend of 40, a friend of thirty with a girlfriend of 18, a colleague of 35 with a girlfriend of 19, a bar owner who used to date his personnel sometimes, a friend of 16 with a teacher (ok, not good), and probably more if I try to remember better. Not to mention what goes off each weekend when people get drunk, or famous people in the news with similar age gaps.
None of that is normal (or good).

I cannot advice any better to OP than making more friends and female-friends as from OP: "I've hardly spoken to a girl in about 8 years"
MarcoD
#29
Feb23-12, 01:10 AM
P: 98
Bull. It is completely normal. Do you think people are going to check each other's ages when they meet in a bar and like each other? Of course not, they hook up, and usually nobody cares.

The only thing you can say about it is that it usually doesn't last. I've not really seen it work except for two marriages, and I don't know where my ex-colleague ended up.

Ask some women and you'ld be surprised.

Why do you think the laws are what they are?
Adyssa
#30
Feb23-12, 02:00 AM
P: 188
Quote Quote by rootX View Post
None of that is normal (or good).

I cannot advice any better to OP than making more friends and female-friends as from OP: "I've hardly spoken to a girl in about 8 years"
Maybe I should elaborate on this. I have female friends. I don't see them every week, but they are good friends and we catch up often enough. I have a sister too. I can speak to them on a normal level, although I don't confide in them too much. I have a few close male friends too, really good friends.

I've spoken to girls over those years, but with the exception of a single girl about 6 years ago who I saw for a couple of months before she went overseas, I haven't pursued anyone. Like I said, I'm a quiet person, I don't instigate conversation with random girls (or anyone) easily.
MarcoD
#31
Feb23-12, 02:28 AM
P: 98
God man, if you're still messed up, or close to that, I wouldn't do it. If you're still messed up I wouldn't date, period. But the age difference?

I don't know a lot about the US but, uhm, presidents: Clinton and his lover, JFK and his eighteen year old lover. Then Elvis with his 22 year old bride, Demi Moore who married at 18 with someone fifteen years older, Anna Nicole Smith who married out of love? Even the list of stars dating stars twenty years younger is endless.

9 years difference at 21-30? Man, study Bruce Willis' love life for a second and you'll laugh about it.
Adyssa
#32
Feb23-12, 04:51 AM
P: 188
Ah I'm ok these days, it took a while to get out, but I got out. I'm probably quieter and more reclusive than your average person but I don't think I'm mental, and I'd like to think that at some point, I should start dating again. :)

The more I think on this, the more I think I'll just take it easy and see how things develop. I don't know her so well anyway, there's time for regular conversation, and there's the work thing too - I'll be there for at least most of this year until I graduate, and if it did turn sour that would be annoying.
Borek
#33
Feb23-12, 05:38 AM
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Try. If you fit each other, age gap doesn't matter. If you don't fit, you can be born a day apart (I hope Marzena is not reading ) and it won't work.
turbo
#34
Feb23-12, 06:12 AM
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Marzena is a cradle-robber! I don't know how you managed that age-gap!
alt
#35
Feb23-12, 07:20 AM
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Quote Quote by MarcoD View Post
So? 50-41 seems wider than 40-31 too? The age gap is not the criterium, that has already been decided on by society, you can look it up in the laws. And, from my experience, a relation like that is as normal as cake.

(Uhm, I am probably older than you, but I live in a student city and am pretty well aware of what goes on there in the weekends. I've had a female roommate of 22 with an alcoholic friend of 40, a friend of thirty with a girlfriend of 18, a colleague of 35 with a girlfriend of 19, a bar owner who used to date his personnel sometimes, a friend of 16 with a teacher (ok, not good), and probably more if I try to remember better. Not to mention what goes off each weekend when people get drunk, or famous people in the news with similar age gaps. Heck I 'dated' someone of 30 when I was 18, and I lived together with someone of 21 when I was 37. Sorry, but it really is as normal as cake, unless you've been living under a rock.)
Not sure what you're concluding here .. that age differences are linked to promiscuity ? If so, I disagree.

Or are you saying that people can be promiscuous ?
alt
#36
Feb23-12, 07:23 AM
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Quote Quote by Adyssa View Post
Ah I'm ok these days, it took a while to get out, but I got out. I'm probably quieter and more reclusive than your average person but I don't think I'm mental, and I'd like to think that at some point, I should start dating again. :)

The more I think on this, the more I think I'll just take it easy and see how things develop. I don't know her so well anyway, there's time for regular conversation, and there's the work thing too - I'll be there for at least most of this year until I graduate, and if it did turn sour that would be annoying.
Nah .. you've taken it easy for too long. The longer you leave it, the harder it will get.


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