My potential supervisor is SO hot!!!

MarcoD

I say horsedung! Ah well, hope you're enjoying yourself.

nucleargirl

sucks... worst day ever... supervisor turned out to be... not what I had expected... and he probably felt the same about me.
Feel so bad... how is this going to work?
I find it so difficult to talk to him... What can I ask a guy 20 years older than me? I really don't know what to say to him. And he doesn't seem the slightest interested in talking to me... oh..... I hope things don't stay this way...

MarcoD

maybe it wasn't that smart to let your feelings guide you?

nucleargirl

Any advice on how to get on with quite a macho Aussie guy on a platonic level?

netgypsy

Talk to people who have had him as a supervisor before and find out everything there is to know. Don't you have a university adviser? Talk to them too. You can also talk to others in his department - TA's for example. In the meantime think about him as an uncle you are being farmed off to as an apprentice. Do your best but act confidant. Don't let him see you sweat. If he were your uncle you'd be polite and pleasant just because he's family and just remember - this is temporary so if your best isn't good enough - too bad. It won't last forever and in the grand scheme of things it's not a really big deal. But do everything you can to get along while preserving your self esteem. It's so much easier to work with someone who doesn't dislike you, but you'll survive regardless. Good luck and keep us posted. We've all been there at one time or another.

nucleargirl

Yeah... about that, I think another girl tried to give me words of wisdom about him... but somehow I manage to hear it, realise its importance, and then completely forget what she said. Yeah, it was my first day so I was trying to observe more than show them who I was. Which came off as me being a push over and having zero personality. Gonna try to change this tomorrow.

MarcoD

Well, you have two choices. Either you go on aggressively pursuing him, with a maybe -but improbable- ROI of ending up with a nice guy and maybe lots of babies. Or you just concentrate on work.

His disinterest might be genuine, there's work to be done, and you might just not be high on his scale of priorities.

(I guess I am a bit rude, this is a bit shock therapy. But from all you've stated, you're taking a very active interest in somebody. Maybe it will help if you find out what you want to do with it. And maybe it won't matter much.)

nucleargirl

oh how true it is that there is a thin line between love and hate... These two days have taught me so much about myself, about my judgement, and about human nature.
I suppose it is what I was looking for. I need this lesson.

I was too quick to judge. and got it entirely wrong in every possible way. But I am not fazed by it. I still believe I can change this situation.

I think, patience, being as fair and treating everyone equally, sensitivity, not being judgemental, letting others live their lives as long as it doesnt harm others, and speaking out tactfully if they do. These would be my greatest assets in the coming weeks. It would be the ideal situation to improve myself. I would need every single one just to stay sane. Plus, I enjoy a challenge.

I need to be more than what others have given. I think this type of behaviour is the result of some trauma in his past. I don't understand why a man would want to objectify women, make rather crude remarks, and surround themselves with clones. I can only justify this with a sense of fear. Of making-do. of disillusionment. I think I still have enough hopes for more than one person.

At least today I got a slight display of gratitude. I don't know why, perhaps it was for his own benefit, but I will take it. Perhaps my strategy is working? maybe not. I think I cannot manipulate any care or sympathy, and I suppose I don't want to do that in being helpless.

I want to gain respect from my integrity, from my patience, from being unjudgemental when so many are quick to judge. I want to gain respect from speaking out when others are afraid to do so. Of course I will do this as tactfully as I can because I do not want to add to the distress. I will do all I can to solve my own problems.

I suppose I want to change them with kindness. I shall try.

turbo

Please back off. If you are serious about your academic performance, you will be hands-off with your supervisors and collaborators. Professionalism doesn't magically start when you get into the private sector. Wishing you well.

nucleargirl

I don't think this guy is unreasonable. A lot stuck in his ways I think, but not unkind.
I don't think going head to head would work in this case, he's much too stuck in his niche. Perhaps it will all be for nothing. I wonder how many have tried before me. But he's never met me before. perhaps I am nothing special. but I will try. Even if it does not change him, to be able to stick to my own beliefs would be good enough for me.

nucleargirl

I appreciate it. But I can't just sit back and watch like everyone else. How else would he have turned out this way? they all ***** behind his back but no one does anything to his face. no wonder he has surrounded himself with others who are the same. Its about time I improved my kindness anyway, I don't think I have enough.

nucleargirl

If I am kind, surely he would not want to see me unhappy?
I cannot be like him to get him on my side. I cannot join them, nor do I want to. Being professional is what everyone is doing. but I think what he needs is someone who cares.

But caring has its boundaries. I cannot be a push over. That would not do anyone any good. I have to also focus on my project. do well in this. I don't know. maybe I am too optimistic right now. If two weeks and no improvement. then I will change supervisors.

netgypsy

"If I am kind, surely he would not want to see me unhappy?" It quite depends on whether he sees kindness as weakness which he can exploit. He may be a decent person, he may not. If he's not, he really won't care if you're unhappy or not because he'll be feeding his own ego.

Your self respect, integrity and whether you can optimize your learning in this situation is very crucial. You can't "change" people but you can direct or channel their inherent nature. Be very careful here. And honestly, if you speak to him privately I'd record your conversation if it's legal where you live. It is in some places, not in others. For example it's not legal in Florida but I believe it is in South Carolina. I'm sure you know how to record with a cell phone. If you can't record, you can dial a friend, put the phone on mute and put it on speaker so you have a witness.

I'm getting bad vibes from your situation. Again BE CAREFUL! Ask around about this guy. Someone will tell you what he's really like and let's hope he's OK. Keep us posted.

nucleargirl

ah... who am I kidding... I still like the guy. probably giving him an inner personality that he doesn't have. I know that previous students have had problems with him before... why do I think I stand a chance? I guess I just want it to be true, a lot.

netgypsy

Reminds me of a story I heard once, long ago.
A woman had a serious crush on Mick Jagger (famous rock singer in case you haven't heard of him). Every guy she dated always fell short of her image. She'd tell her friends - "He's fine but he's not Mick Jagger".

Well amazingly enough she actually had the opportunity to go out with the REAL Mick Jagger. The next day she told her friends "He was nice, but he wasn't Mick Jagger".

Reality seldom equals fantasy :-)

Borek

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

nucleargirl

Thank you so much Borek. That has really opened my eyes. I did not realise how bad it was! I think he's a bit narcissistic, and I have made myself compatible with that because I am in a dependent situation on him. This is a problem! I dont have a desk, so everyday the first thing I do is go see him and ask what he has planned for me for the day. not cool. I need my own space as right now I feel lost, and don't belong anywhere. it also makes getting to know other people difficult cos I am either with him or in the library on my own. its very unequal right now.