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I can't seem to be able to read her. Help please!

by Snicker
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Snicker
#1
Feb16-12, 12:53 AM
P: 47
Ok, so I have been friends with this girl for as long as I could remember (we are high school seniors by the way). This year, I have been acting rather....errr.... affectionate towards her.

She has not been reciprocating.

I realized that the reason that I have been flirting with her so aggressively was because we both are heading to college in a few months so that our paths may unfortunately separate. I was not unhappy in the past of "just" being her friend. However, I supposed that the fear I had of losing her caused me to flirt with her without regards of her own feelings. Doing so allowed me to deny the fact that we may part forever.

I realized that what I have been doing was not only disrespectful, but very unloving -- antithetical to how I really felt about her. I couldn't possibly remain "just friends" without abusing her trust, so, for both our sakes, I decided to break things off completely. I avoided her entirely and tried to remove anything in my life that reminded me of her.

It worked out pretty well for about a week. I was transitioning from the first stage of grief, denial, to the last, acceptance. It was working out better than imagined. However, Valentine's day approached so I decided to write a pre-Valentine's day love poem (I am a pretty talented poet according to my artsy friends). I posted the verse as a note on facebook and I tagged my closest female friends. The girl in question was not tagged in it for reasons stated above. The poem was really about her, though I never explicitly used her name (I felt that the "acceptance" stage of grief includes accepting one's own feelings and convictions so that writing a love poem about her was positive move for me).

The next day, she approached me for the first time in a week. She told me that she was "very hurt" that I ignored her and particularly hurt that I did not tag her in the facebook note. That hurt me quite a bit considering that the purpose of avoiding her was to not hurt her. I therefore thought that perhaps I miscalculated her feelings. It seemed that from her protestations, not only was she hurt as a friend, but as a potential lover too (how else could one be hurt by NOT being tagged in a romantically-charged facebook poem?). So perhaps she did reciprocate my feelings and that I was just too opaque to notice it.

It dawned to me that if we were in a relationship, then, for various reasons, we could continue to be in close contact. One of the colleges I am considering (and have been accepted too) is very close to several of her top college choices. It is certainly not brazen or stupid of me to make my college decision on the basis of a relationship. Plus, I supposed I would be VERY happy to start dating her if she was similarly inclined.

So I decided to be cute. Before homeroom on Vallentine's day, I stood by her locker with a bunch of sappy lovey dovey items: Two roses, a stuffed animal, decorated paper hearts that my little sister helped me make, the love poems with a confession that they were about her, and a "love note" containing the reasons why I admire her, how much she means to me, why I have been cold to her recently, etc. I figured that if she was mad at me for ignoring her, then, assuming she mirrored my romantic inclination towards her, she would certainly forgive me if I gave her these!

When she came, I piled the tenders of my affections onto her arms. Being overwhelmed with my own dastardly shyness, I torrented her with the items so rapidly that she did not have any time to speak (she was smiling so gaily as I did this that I thought that it was okay). I then kissed her on the forehead and, utterly swamped with bashfulness, I made haste to my homeroom. As I looked back, I saw her looking at me with the brightest smile I'd ever seen.

The next day (today), feeling accomplished by yesterday's romantic victory, I tried to talk to her about our relationship going forward. However, she made it very obvious to me that she took advantage of every method to ignore and avoid me completely. Worse, a mutual friend of ours, after I lamented my difficulties to her, told me that my super special someone was persuing another man. That hurt especially since I used to suspect this during my decision to cut ties with her.

So I am at the end of my wits. I am a complete emotional and intellectual mess. I need some advice in moving forward. It would have been simple and easy to just let her go. However, things just don't seem so cut-and-dry any more. Also, please note that, when giving me advice, my primary directive is to make her happy -- a difficult goal as I seem to be nothing but an inherent reprobate.


Spoiler

Actually, it was three poems, not just one, and all about her. But that is an irrelevant detail. Here they are if you want to read them (posts are listed in reverse order in time): http://www.thepoetryforum.co.uk/showthread.php?t=27843
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TheStatutoryApe
#2
Feb16-12, 05:18 AM
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No offense or anything, but you seem to have acted selfishly and tricked yourself into thinking that you were doing her a favour. Avoiding her was not a favour to her so much as one to yourself. I think that part of you realized that it is not exactly nice to simply cut a friend out of your life without them having any idea why and so you rationalized to yourself that you were doing it for her. No worries, we all make mistakes, and I am sure I have been guilty of similar mental gymnastics myself (especially at your age and involving girls). When you posted your poem on facebook and excluded her that is all she was aware of; you, a friend, had unaccountably excluded her from something special. And again you seem to have acted selfishly by deciding to believe in what you hoped was true, that she really liked you, rather than consider the simple and obvious possibility, that she was hurt because you had excluded her for no apparent reason.

I am sorry, I do not mean to make you feel bad, but I really think that you ought to reexamine your thought processes here.
drizzle
#3
Feb16-12, 02:44 PM
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Quote Quote by TheStatutoryApe View Post
I think that part of you realized that it is not exactly nice to simply cut a friend out of your life without them having any idea why and so you rationalized to yourself that you were doing it for her.
Ouch!

True, I fell for that mistake too, many times, and still.. It's just hard to say goodbye I guess, but you're right TSA, it's just a selfish act and shows no respect to the other. Hope the OP gets the point.

micromass
#4
Feb16-12, 02:57 PM
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I can't seem to be able to read her. Help please!

Why not be open and front against her. Tell her (or mail her) how you feel about her. Perhaps tell her that you know you make her uncomfortable and explain her why you wish to cut ties. Or say that you still want to remain friends. Or whatever.
Just be honest against her instead of trying to "read her".
Snicker
#5
Feb16-12, 04:57 PM
P: 47
Thank you all! I believe that you are all correct.

I believe that the root of my selfish behaviour is dishonesty -- not just to her but to myself as well. As soon as fortune allows, I plan to discuss my feelings face-to-face and heart-to-heart with her. I suppose that if I don't keep anything hidden from her, then whatever happens, it will turn out okay and may put my soul at ease.

Thank you again!
256bits
#6
Feb16-12, 08:32 PM
P: 1,424
Quote Quote by Snicker View Post
I believe that the root of my selfish behaviour is dishonesty -- not just to her but to myself as well. As soon as fortune allows, I plan to discuss my feelings face-to-face and heart-to-heart with her. I suppose that if I don't keep anything hidden from her, then whatever happens, it will turn out okay and may put my soul at ease.

Thank you again!
Aren't you such a wishful thinking type of guy!!!
What could have been should have been and would have been if I had only or she had only done .... So my next stategy is to ...

a recap:
You are friends with her, then unreciprocated flirtation, avoiding contact, deliberately exclude her from something personnal knowing that she will find out (Facebook), with a 180 turn and showing of gifts and notes, now she avoids you.

She may be taking your actions and intentions as some sort of game playing with her emotions. Of course that is not what you are doing but from the outside perspective it would appear so.

Hopefully you two can solve this mutually. Rather than bearing your soul to her, it might work out better if you asked her out on a date, and just discuss how you enjoy her company, friendship, and doing and talking about things together, and that you were acting kind of nutty since college life may keep you two apart, and you wanted it to last forever.
Forget about the love interest aspect at the moment.
That way both of you two can agree on something that I am sure you both want to agree on. And it gives you both a re-start.

If you bear your soul to her then she is left with a limited yes/no option. That's OK too as long as you can accept and deal with the answer.
Snicker
#7
Mar9-12, 09:17 PM
P: 47
Update:

I had lunch today with some of her two closest girlfriends (who are also my friends). They asked me how I've been doing and I responded, truthfully, that it was a slow, yet progressing, recovery. They then told me that the girl in question HAS in fact been leading me on, so I did not misread her at all. They also told me that she was a "romantic mess" (i.e. emotionally unstable) for as long as they knew her so that I sort of a victim of her own personal problems. I always suspected that she has these sorts of problems, but I thought it was okay since all girls have them to some degree, but not to the degree I was informed she had.

Do I love her? Of course. If I could, would I try to help her through this? Of course. However, there is probably nothing I can do, so I am glad that I am giving her space to figure things out whilst I move on.
micromass
#8
Mar9-12, 09:21 PM
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Quote Quote by Snicker View Post
Update:

I had lunch today with some of her two closest girlfriends (who are also my friends). They asked me how I've been doing and I responded, truthfully, that it was a slow, yet progressing, recovery. They then told me that the girl in question HAS in fact been leading me on, so I did not misread her at all. They also told me that she was a "romantic mess" (i.e. emotionally unstable) for as long as they knew her so that I sort of a victim of her own personal problems. I always suspected that she has these sorts of problems, but I thought it was okay since all girls have them to some degree, but not to the degree I was informed she had.

Do I love her? Of course. If I could, would I try to help her through this? Of course. However, there is probably nothing I can do, so I am glad that I am giving her space to figure things out whilst I move on.
Did you attempt to talk with her?? Did you send her a mail explaining your actions??
That is something you had to do right away.
Evo
#9
Mar9-12, 09:39 PM
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Quote Quote by Snicker View Post
I always suspected that she has these sorts of problems, but I thought it was okay since all girls have them to some degree,
No. Normal girls do not. If you find this trait in a girl...RUN!!!! Find a normal girl, there are plenty of them.

Don't ever think this kind of behaviour is normal or acceptable.
rootX
#10
Mar9-12, 09:48 PM
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What kind of a guy plays these dramas. I skimmed through the long original post and you seemed to be more involved in playing romantic games than she is. Just be straight and go for whatever you want.
genericusrnme
#11
Mar22-12, 04:25 PM
P: 615
The best pieces of advice I could give you would be to;
1. Stop caring about whether you're being selfish or disrespectful or whatever
2. Make sure she's putting in at least the same amount of effort you're putting in.

Quote Quote by Evo View Post
No. Normal girls do not. If you find this trait in a girl...RUN!!!! Find a normal girl, there are plenty of them.

Don't ever think this kind of behaviour is normal or acceptable.
I must say, the majority of girls I have met have had this trait


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