My potential supervisor is SO hot!!!

nucleargirl

yeah I should set some boundaries. if he doesnt want to be friendly, maybe I should stop trying to make him a friend. First priority is my project and my degree, if I do well, that is gonna stay with me. Second is to get to know more people in the lab and see how things work in science. maybe make a few friends along the way. Thirdly is to get chummy with my supervisor, it takes two to do that. if he's not up for it, then I have limited time to try to make it work - I have other things to do as well. It makes sense, he has to mark my project so maybe he needs to be impartial and distant. I want to be closer so I can get more help from him. But I can get the help I need even if I keep my distance. I don't know, its difficult to strike a balance. I will see how it goes next week. But thanks for bringing this to my attention Borek!

chiro

I'm not a relationship expert or anything of the sort, but I can see you having problems you are trying have a kind of 'friendship' in the type of environment you are in.

This is just my opinion (IMO), but the best way IMO to to do this is just to act in a professional capacity.

Now the word 'professional' is often misused and misunderstood but by this I mean that you deal with him strictly on a basis that all understanding is out in the open, all expectations are out in the open, and that everyone is aware of their obligations, rights, responsibilities and other things that may be 'taken for granted'.

To me this is what distinguishes a professional from a non-professional: a professional has been in the game long enough to know that if things aren't made absolutely crystal clear in the beginning then the omissions end up turning into something sour. To a non-professional it might be interpreted as overkill, 'being mean or unfriendly', being 'too demanding', 'micromanaging' or something else but the fact is that when everything is on the table, no one can complain later (or at least if they do complain, you can point it out).

The process do to this in terms of specifics will ultimately depend on the people involved, the nature of the work, the nature of the workplace among other things but I still think my advice can be useful for obtaining more specifics.

The final thing I want to mention is to realize that the nature of the job often affects the personality of the person at work (not necessarily outside of work though).

Your supervisor probably has had a lot of experience dealing with people and over time may have come to the conclusion of being impartial and distant. Maybe the nature of science has forced him to become that way so that he does his job in a professional manner. If he is a busy man who comes in frequent contact with many people and is extremely busy, then impartiality might actually be a necessity to do the job effectively and to communicate with other people with different roles and backgrounds.

I have noticed that there are reasons why, at least, I observe some people to not be 'friendly' or 'distant' or something else and sometimes its not for the reason that they are 'cold' or 'unsocial' or something else along those lines.

Don't beat yourself up about it though, you may end up being the same and later realize why people in the kind of job, in the kind of workplace, with the kind of responsibilities actually act like this: life is all about learning and I gaurantee that you are placed in this situation to learn, just like the rest of us! :)

nucleargirl

Yeah, I think you are right, I need to lay everything out in the open so we both know what we expect from each other. Thats one of the problems - we haven't actually talked out the timeline for the project and whats actually involved. so I feel a bit in the dark.

Yeah, thats for sure!

You know, I never realised how difficult it can get in life. I know its probably not even that difficult for me right now and its just gonna get tougher. But I'm feeling quite vulnerable! I think this is what I need - you need to feel vulnerable to start getting tough.

I think I need to stand up for myself. simply because its a competitive tough world and no-one else is going to stand up for me if I don't.

nucleargirl

.....
I suppose it wasn't such a great idea... I guess I just made life really difficult for myself by choosing this project. Its so hard to feel OK when I'm there.
I feel so stupid!
like everything I do is stupid!
I don't know...
I don't like this.
Why!!!!!
its so pathetic.

SOOOO pathetic!!!!

I don't want to make it obvious, but I think everything I do and say is making it more than obvious. I can't even hide it.
I've tried to not feel this way. I need to try harder. Cut it out!
What am I thinking? Do I really think there is a possibility? Is there a future to this? What am I looking for? What am I doing?!!! It makes no sense!!!!! I feel like everyone who can see is seeing everything. And they either feel sorry for me or they are having a lot of fun watching me. I have to focus. I lost my focus today.
Focus on my work. But its so difficult when he comes into the room!

I need to lighten up. too much stress lately.

jim hardy

take heart you are far from the first.

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No.../dp/0894864025

Borek

Oh come on, now you are just whining. Stop it and focus on what you are expected to be doing.

chiro

Just to put things into perspective, I'm sure you will find that we all have done things in some way or another that is similar to your story.

I've made a fool of myself in the past so many times that I tend to not really worry about it anymore. You just get to the point where you laugh at yourself and move on, and if the experience was painful in some way, you tend not to do it again.

You know, in a way I think it's good that people like you and me go through stuff like this: people are afraid to look stupid but the thing is that in the end it doesn't really matter and soon enough people will move on: we all do.

Just keep your head up high, because when this happens again you'll have an advantage that a lot of people won't have: you'll be able to deal with it effectively over those who are afraid to take a risk or two and worry about what everyone thinks to a point where they become paralyzed.

mathwonk

i suggest you transfer advisors.

nucleargirl

he smiled at me today... :))))))

CaptFirePanda

He's plotting something nefarious.

nucleargirl

can't be... he looks so kind when he smiles!

Jack21222

Somebody in this thread really likes being the center of attention...

netgypsy

And somebody in this thread is unnecessarily judgmental.

nucleargirl

we all like to be at the centre of attention. its ok :)

Choppy

I know the last update to this thread was a few weeks ago, but having skimmed through the posts I'm not sure anyone has pointed out that even if this supervisor had a reciprocated interest in Nucleargirl, he CAN'T act on it.

He CAN'T flirt with you.

He CAN'T pursue a relationship (beyond student-supervisor) with you.

He CAN'T treat you any different than he would any of his other students.

If he does, he's placing his career at risk, he's potentially breaking the law, he's opening himself up to a civil lawsuit, and perhaps most importantly, he's morally putting himself at the advantage of a power differential.

Note that I'm not saying that student-supervisor relationships never happen, nor am I saying that when they do happen they are always the result of malicious intent. From his point of view, however, this is a very dangerous game with serious consequences.

My advice: if you really like the guy just wait until you're no longer a student and then ask him out.

mathwonk

To put it another way, it has been noticed that supervisors do not always look as hot after they are no longer supervisors.

gentryliving

You are more interested on the person not the project. Focus girl!