Dating Advice: A Guide for the Newbie Dater

[waht]

So I'm back dating after a couple years and never realized how much I don't know. I found a really smart woman, PF type, and I'm not sure how to date her without screwing up. She does not play games as far I know. What I'd like to know is how should I draw a line between being serious, goofy, or playing games on a first date. I thought I'd invest my ego on PF before going any further. So any advise is appreciated.

 

[Evo]

I'd just say be yourself and be observant. The last thing you want to do is be something you're not. If you are goofy and playful normally and think you need to tone it down on a first date, that's fine.

One of the most fun dates I ever went on was with a chemical engineer that I figured would be boring, he also had a law degree, which gave me an even worse idea of what a date would be like. We went to a restaurant that had a great comic band playing, my girlfriend met us there (she was my emergency escape, if needed). She smoked, and while I was talking to her, with my back to him, he had grabbed her pack of cigarettes. When I turned around he was sitting there with a completely serious look on his face with cigarettes hanging out of his ears and nostrils. I loved it.

 

[Huckleberry]

I'd just say be yourself and be observant. The last thing you want to do is be something you're not. If you are goofy and playful normally and think you need to tone it down on a first date, that's fine.

One of the most fun dates I ever went on was with a chemical engineer that I figured would be boring, he also had a law degree, which gave me an even worse idea of what a date would be like. We went to a restaurant that had a great comic band playing, my girlfriend met us there (she was my emergency escape, if needed). She smoked, and while I was talking to her, with my back to him, he had grabbed her pack of cigarettes. When I turned around he was sitting there with a completely serious look on his face with cigarettes hanging out of his ears and nostrils. I loved it.

:rofl: Yeah, do this on your next date. It's a much better use of cigarettes than smoking them.

Evo, how did your girlfriend feel about it? I don't think I would want a cigarette that had been in some strangers ears and nose. Was your date a smoker and copping a few smokes, or was this a creative way of saying what he thought of your girlfriend's habit? It would have been even funnier if he put them back in the pack.

 

[Evo]

Evo, how did your girlfriend feel about it? I don't think I would want a cigarette that had been in some strangers ears and nose.

She made him buy her a new pack, but she thought it was funny.

Was your date a smoker and copping a few smokes, or was this a creative way of saying what he thought of your girlfriend's habit? It would have been even funnier if he put them back in the pack.

Neither of us smoked, and it was his way of making fun of smoking. He did put them back in the pack, that's when she sent him to the cigarette machine.

Now one guy that I did NOT find funny had a PHD in Biochemistry. While I'd be driving my car in the pouring rain he'd be opening the sunroof and playing with all electronic gadgets. His idea of a hot date would be to sit in his apartment and watch reruns of the Golden Girls, he loved that show. It was like dating someone really intelligent, with the sense of humor of a 5 year old and the habits of an old woman.

I don't date anymore.

 

[Huckleberry]

I don't think there are many tricks to dating. Just be attentive to your date. The trick is in finding someone that is compatible.

 

[rewebster]

So I'm back dating after a couple years and never realized how much I don't know. I found a really smart woman, PF type, and I'm not sure how to date her without screwing up. She does not play games as far I know. What I'd like to know is how should I draw a line between being serious, goofy, or playing games on a first date. I thought I'd invest my ego on PF before going any further. So any advise is appreciated.

It almost sounds like she's a closer fit to a lot of the women in your past and you don't want to blow it. Is that right?

 

[Moonbear]

We went to a restaurant that had a great comic band playing, my girlfriend met us there

You invite your girlfriends on your dates? That seems a bit odd. I'd be really annoyed if a guy invited one of his other friends on a date.

While I'd be driving my car in the pouring rain he'd be opening the sunroof and playing with all electronic gadgets.

I've been with guys like that too...argh! Drives me nuts. I swear they're going to break something and it feels like dragging along a misbehaving toddler...not to mention that if they can't keep their hands to themselves, it's ME they should be trying to play with, not all the gadgets and gizmos!

 

[waht]

When I turned around he was sitting there with a completely serious look on his face with cigarettes hanging out of his ears and nostrils. I loved it.

Cool story. Maybe he was on chemicals?

It almost sounds like she's a closer fit to a lot of the women in your past and you don't want to blow it. Is that right?

Not really, she actually has her act together, and knows what she wants, probably more than me. Women I dated before were alright too, but this one is different somehow. I'm probably hyper-analyzing, grrr.

 

[Evo]

You invite your girlfriends on your dates? That seems a bit odd. I'd be really annoyed if a guy invited one of his other friends on a date.

To him, she had just stopped in for a drink and we "ran into" each other. But we were getting along great and we asked her to join. It wasn't some hot, romantic date, it was a hamburger joint known for their jalapeno hamburgers, with a bar and an incredibly funny house band. She showed up on cue about 45 minutes after we got there, so after we'd eaten and started doing some serious beer drinking. This was a very popular hangout for the young crowd from NASA, so it was almost impossible not to run into someone you knew, which made the meeting plausible.

 

[Moonbear]

To him, she had just stopped in for a drink and we "ran into" each other. But we were getting along great and we asked her to join. It wasn't some hot, romantic date, it was a hamburger joint known for their jalapeno hamburgers, with a bar and an incredibly funny house band. She showed up on cue about 45 minutes after we got there, so after we'd eaten and started doing some serious beer drinking. This was a very popular hangout for the young crowd from NASA, so it was almost impossible not to run into someone you knew, which made the meeting plausible.

I've never plotted anything that elaborate as an "escape" from a date. The most I ever do is make sure someone knows who I'm with and where I'm going if it's a blind date type thing, but beyond that, if it's going so badly that I need an escape, I'm perfectly capable of just telling the guy that I'm ready to go home...though, I can't recall ever going on a date so bad that I needed to escape early and couldn't get through the evening and then just never call again.

 

[rewebster]

To him, she had just stopped in for a drink and we "ran into" each other. But we were getting along great and we asked her to join. It wasn't some hot, romantic date, it was a hamburger joint known for their jalapeno hamburgers, with a bar and an incredibly funny house band. She showed up on cue about 45 minutes after we got there, so after we'd eaten and started doing some serious beer drinking. This was a very popular hangout for the young crowd from NASA, so it was almost impossible not to run into someone you knew, which made the meeting plausible.

Men aren't that stupid--

 

[Evo]

I've never plotted anything that elaborate as an "escape" from a date. The most I ever do is make sure someone knows who I'm with and where I'm going if it's a blind date type thing, but beyond that, if it's going so badly that I need an escape, I'm perfectly capable of just telling the guy that I'm ready to go home...though, I can't recall ever going on a date so bad that I needed to escape early and couldn't get through the evening and then just never call again.

That was the only time I've ever done that, and if I recall correctly, I believe she's the one that came up with the idea and insisted. In hindsight, she didn't want to sit at home on a Friday night and the two of us usually went out together. She probably would have shown up even if I had said no. She used to make me go out with her and her dates also, come to think of it. We were joined at the hip and if either of us were going to date anyone, they had to date us both (to a point), so might as well get that out of the way up front. Funny, no guy ever complained. :tongue2:

 

[Evo]

Men aren't that stupid--

Oh, right. :uhh:

Waht, I don't think you have anything to worry about, you seem very likeable. I think where people go wrong is when they worry too much about making a good impression. It usually backfires. Just relax and be yourself. Afterall, you wouldn't want someone that wouldn't want you for yourself.

 

[RonL]

So I'm back dating after a couple years and never realized how much I don't know. I found a really smart woman, PF type, and I'm not sure how to date her without screwing up. She does not play games as far I know. What I'd like to know is how should I draw a line between being serious, goofy, or playing games on a first date. I thought I'd invest my ego on PF before going any further. So any advise is appreciated.

There are so many things that could be said, but to keep it simple, "pay attention to her eyes" they will tell you everything you need to know. Hope all goes well

 

[Astronuc]

Now one guy that I did NOT find funny had a PHD in Biochemistry. While I'd be driving my car in the pouring rain he'd be opening the sunroof and playing with all electronic gadgets. His idea of a hot date would be to sit in his apartment and watch reruns of the Golden Girls, he loved that show. It was like dating someone really intelligent, with the sense of humor of a 5 year old and the habits of an old woman.

I'm curious. Wasn't there a clue ahead of time that indicated that this guy was a such a yutz? Did you slap his hands to dissuade him from 'playing with all the electronic gadgets'?

How'd one manage to find these guys? Or how did you manage to let them find one?

No answer is necessary. The questions are more rhetorical. Well - and the fact that I'm rather curious.

 

[Astronuc]

You invite your girlfriends on your dates? That seems a bit odd. I'd be really annoyed if a guy invited one of his other friends on a date.

When I dated my wife (before we got married), sometimes we'd go out to some place and join one or more of her girlfriends who enjoyed the same entertainment. That was no big deal. And we'd often get together with mutual friends for a dinner or party, or an outdoor concert or day at the beach.

Afterward, we'd usually go back to her place, and enjoy nice conversation - among other things.

 

[Evo]

I'm curious. Wasn't there a clue ahead of time that indicated that this guy was a such a yutz? Did you slap his hands to dissuade him from 'playing with all the electronic gadgets'?

No idea. Apparently as he became more comfortable with me, more of his personality came through. He absolutely delighted in aggravating me while I was driving.

How'd one manage to find these guys? Or how did you manage to let the find one?

In a bar.

He absolutely adored my girls and he was so great with them. They adored him back. They never connected to their own father. To this day they keep asking me why I didn't marry him. He would have made the best dad ever, but he made me crazy.

 

[Astronuc]

So I'm back dating after a couple years and never realized how much I don't know. I found a really smart woman, PF type, and I'm not sure how to date her without screwing up. She does not play games as far I know. What I'd like to know is how should I draw a line between being serious, goofy, or playing games on a first date. I thought I'd invest my ego on PF before going any further. So any advise is appreciated.

Don't be too goofy on the first date. One should make a good impression first and be goofy later.

What does one mean by "not playing games"? As in video games?

Go out for a nice dinner and get to know one another. If there is a movie or concert the woman has been planning to see, perhaps suggest that for a date. Or just get together during the day for lunch or coffee. How well does one know this woman?

 

[Moonbear]

When I dated my wife (before we got married), sometimes we'd go out to some place and join one or more of her girlfriends who enjoyed the same entertainment. That was no big deal. And we'd often get together with mutual friends for a dinner or party, or an outdoor concert or day at the beach.

Afterward, we'd usually go back to her place, and enjoy nice conversation - among other things.

Getting together with friends while dating is different than having friends tag along on a date. I think of a date as a getting to know each other meeting where it's more intimate, i.e., just the two of you focused on each other. Going OUT together with other people is fine once you know each other better (or if you're at a stage of casual interest that's not yet dating), and maybe one might double date with another couple if you're all good friends, but inviting other people along all seems like something that happens once the couple has gotten to know each other enough to want to introduce them to their friends.

 

[Moonbear]

Don't be too goofy on the first date. One should make a good impression first and be goofy later.

I agree. Generally, try to relax and be yourself (I know, easier said than done), but avoid being overly goofy (and NO playing with all the knobs in the car! ). Strive to be a gentleman...every woman enjoys and appreciates that. While you shouldn't go to any extremes like tackling her so you can get to the door first to hold it open for her, when you are presented the opportunity, you should do so (and if she's the type of woman who will hold the door open for you as well if she gets to it first, don't argue over that). We know all that stuff often wears off by the third date or so, but it's flattering and fun when a guy is very gentlemanly like that on a first date.

 

[Poop-Loops]

No idea. Apparently as he became more comfortable with me, more of his personality came through. He absolutely delighted in aggravating me while I was driving.

No... I'd say he grew more nervous and was desperate to attract some attention. Okay, let me put a huge disclaimer saying I wasn't there, so I could be talking out of my ass.

But I get the feeling that if you're trying that hard, there's something wrong with you (in this case your lame date, not "you"). Almost like he was afraid of the silence, so he'd do anything to break it.

 

[rewebster]

That was the only time I've ever done that, and if I recall correctly, I believe she's the one that came up with the idea and insisted. In hindsight, she didn't want to sit at home on a Friday night and the two of us usually went out together. She probably would have shown up even if I had said no. She used to make me go out with her and her dates also, come to think of it. We were joined at the hip and if either of us were going to date anyone, they had to date us both (to a point), so might as well get that out of the way up front. Funny, no guy ever complained. :tongue2:

gee--that may be a reason why the guy didn't say anything and played along--


he would be an idiot if he didn't

 

[Moonbear]

But I get the feeling that if you're trying that hard, there's something wrong with you (in this case your lame date, not "you"). Almost like he was afraid of the silence, so he'd do anything to break it.

Maybe. When one guy did that around me, I finally just asked, "Do you have ADD or something?" It was the same with me, that he didn't do that on the first dates, so I couldn't chalk it up to nervousness, it was more like he finally got more relaxed and let his guard down and then his annoying habits showed up. He was also someone who could never just sit and be quiet, so maybe you're onto something with the "afraid of silence" bit. I was quite content to sit quietly side-by-side at times, and even crave that sort of occasional opportunity to enjoy some quiet, and he would give this running commentary just to fill in the "dead airtime" it seemed.

 

[rewebster]

maybe some of it is a variant of the 'baby talk' that some people do in the first stages of dating--but, when its done by only one of pair it stands out as 'immature'

 

[Evo]

No... I'd say he grew more nervous and was desperate to attract some attention. Okay, let me put a huge disclaimer saying I wasn't there, so I could be talking out of my ass.

But I get the feeling that if you're trying that hard, there's something wrong with you (in this case your lame date, not "you"). Almost like he was afraid of the silence, so he'd do anything to break it.

You might have hit it, but I don't know why he'd think I'd enjoy rain inside my car pouring into my console and on me. He'd hold the button down so that I couldn't close the roof.

He was a brilliant scientist working in aids research and teaching chemical spectroscopy at a local university. Who would have known?

 

[Astronuc]

You might have hit it, but I don't know why he'd think I'd enjoy rain inside my car pouring into my console and on me. He'd hold the button down so that I couldn't close the roof.

He was a brilliant scientist working in aids research and teaching chemical spectroscopy at a local university. Who would have known?

Well some brilliant people can be socially inept. Person's with Asperger's or related personalities/psychologies can focus on some academic subject and perform brilliantly, but when it comes to social interaction, they can be completely inept. Lack of social skills is one of those symptoms of Aspergers.

 

[rewebster]

yeah--and he may have just been too anxious and nervous--like the boy before Christmas

 

[Astronuc]

Getting together with friends while dating is different than having friends tag along on a date. I think of a date as a getting to know each other meeting where it's more intimate, i.e., just the two of you focused on each other. Going OUT together with other people is fine once you know each other better (or if you're at a stage of casual interest that's not yet dating), and maybe one might double date with another couple if you're all good friends, but inviting other people along all seems like something that happens once the couple has gotten to know each other enough to want to introduce them to their friends.

I guess I lucked out with my wife. I met her during the summer of 1980, when I met my best friend for round on frisbee while his girlfriend and her friends attended an outdoor concert. During the following 8 months, I kept bumping into my wife at various gatherings, mostly at my best friends place where they'd host parties and dinners for a group of mutual friends. Finally, over spring break, I asked her out. Our first exclusive date was a dinner. However, by that time, I'd already gotten to know her, since we used to drift off to the side of those parties and talk. After dinner at our friends place, she used to dry the dishes while I washed them, so we had time to talk.

We dated for three months, then I proposed, and we've been together for 27+ years. We were engaged for 1 year since we lived 90 miles apart and went to different unversities.

 

[slugcountry]

So I'm back dating after a couple years and never realized how much I don't know. I found a really smart woman, PF type, and I'm not sure how to date her without screwing up. She does not play games as far I know. What I'd like to know is how should I draw a line between being serious, goofy, or playing games on a first date. I thought I'd invest my ego on PF before going any further. So any advise is appreciated.

Is she having a good time when she's around you? If so, just assume she's already attracted.

 

[JasonRox]

Is she having a good time when she's around you?

Good question!

If she is, no worries at all.

 

[waht]

What does one mean by "not playing games"? As in video games?

Nah, you know those tests they throw out randomly at you. She said she doesn't do that, yea right.

Go out for a nice dinner and get to know one another. If there is a movie or concert the woman has been planning to see, perhaps suggest that for a date. Or just get together during the day for lunch or coffee. How well does one know this woman?

That's a sound idea, and what I will do. I know her from chat rooms, and a couple weeks of emailing. Just recently talked to her on the phone. Since we haven't met yet I'm not sure if that physical attraction will spark. Since something like 80% of communication between humans is through the body. I broke up with "so-called" some time ago, so I'm hoping to find someone, and she's all I could ask for and more.

Is she having a good time when she's around you? If so, just assume she's already attracted.

Yea I hope so.

 

[waht]

We dated for three months, then I proposed, and we've been together for 27+ years. We were engaged for 1 year since we lived 90 miles apart and went to different unversities.

You story is strikingly similar to how my parents met. They've been bumping into each other for over a year, then one day they went out on a date and got married in three months. They are still together 30+ years.

 

[Astronuc]

Nah, you know those tests they throw out randomly at you. She said she doesn't do that, yea right.

Ah, i.e. the games people play. Well, for me, I was never into games. I tended to be reserved and if I was interested - straight to the point. I was lucky in that about half the time, a girl who was interested would take the initiative.

Through high school and first couple of years of uni, my relationships with women were friendly and casual. I enjoyed their company, and had no shortage of women to date.

My problem was finding one with whom I could settle down.
https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=1589876&postcount=22

 

[Poop-Loops]

Maybe. When one guy did that around me, I finally just asked, "Do you have ADD or something?" It was the same with me, that he didn't do that on the first dates, so I couldn't chalk it up to nervousness, it was more like he finally got more relaxed and let his guard down and then his annoying habits showed up. He was also someone who could never just sit and be quiet, so maybe you're onto something with the "afraid of silence" bit. I was quite content to sit quietly side-by-side at times, and even crave that sort of occasional opportunity to enjoy some quiet, and he would give this running commentary just to fill in the "dead airtime" it seemed.

You might have hit it, but I don't know why he'd think I'd enjoy rain inside my car pouring into my console and on me. He'd hold the button down so that I couldn't close the roof.

He was a brilliant scientist working in aids research and teaching chemical spectroscopy at a local university. Who would have known?

I'm just going by my own experiences (i.e. my own past behaviors). I've definitely had times (I used to have anxiety) where I was nervous about being somewhere or with someone and fell back on my perceived skills of being goofy/funny. Under stress you have a tendency to take it too far. Especially if you're used to people playfully saying "stop" and laughing. You just forget that sometimes people mean it.

Still, it's something you accept and learn from. I haven't done that in years, so I guess I learned to be "better" at social situations.

 

[binzing]

Yeah, I find "games" to be very annoying. Also, I don't even bother with "going out" if its just going to end in a few weeks, I think its stupid how these kids around me (my supposed "peers") do things like that. I see no point in doing something that isn't going to work out, most likely cause your completely different people.