How Do I End a Relationship When My Partner is Depressed?

[rhuthwaite]

I don't know what to do so thought maybe one of you could help me...

I've been in a relationship for three years but for 1.5 of those years I have wanted out (Mentally I have out grown him, I can't seem to have an intellectual chat and don't think he really knows me at all). I tried to break up with him but he got depressed so I did what I thought was the "right" thing and stayed to help him through it. Once he had gotten through his rough patch I tried to break up with him again he went into denial and he pretended he had to go before I could finnish it and he told me to think about it.

What can I do?

 

[Danger]

It would appear that you're being manipulated into staying, which is one very good reason to pull the ejection handle. That can be considered a form of psychological abuse. I don't know enough about your situation to comment further.

 

[rhuthwaite]

I never thought of it like that... I am just scared he's going to get depressed and jump off a bridge or get hooked on MJ or P or something then I would have to live with that for the rest of my life

 

[Danger]

You have to remember that you are not responsible for his actions, no matter how much he claims it. "Now look what you made me do!" {"I didn't make you do anything, you idiot. You did it on your own."}
And if he's unstable enough to do what you suspect, you're not safe in the relationship anyway.

 

[rhuthwaite]

There will always be that guilt that "I could've done something". I guess you are right tho

 

[Danger]

If you stay with him and he does something stupid anyway (which he will if it's in his nature at all), you'll still feel the same way. You might as well be enjoying your own life in the meanwhile.

 

[rhuthwaite]

Thanks for helping

 

[Danger]

Hey, you helped me first.

 

[Astronuc]

I never thought of it like that... I am just scared he's going to get depressed and jump off a bridge or get hooked on MJ or P or something then I would have to live with that for the rest of my life

If that's the case, that is his decision. Based on the comments, it's time to bail. Danger is correct in the assessment of manipulation - and that is not part of a healthy relationship. Go find a nice gentlemen who cares about you and with whom you can have an intellectual and healthy relationship.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Dump the bum. He's a manipulator and it will only get worse. And if he does go off the deep end, that's not your problem; give him the number for a help line. You have a right to choose your relationships without being threatened.

 

[rhuthwaite]

Thanks guys I will do it just need to do it person which is hard! I don't usually do the breaking up just usually do something that I know they won't like and then they break up with me (its the easy way) but this ones a clinger

 

[DaveC426913]

Rather than a deliberate manipulator, he is likely just emotionally immature:

"Mentally I have out grown him, I can't seem to have an intellectual chat..."

 

[DaveC426913]

Thanks guys I will do it just need to do it person which is hard! I don't usually do the breaking up just usually do something that I know they won't like and then they break up with me (its the easy way) but this ones a clinger

Be kind, but stick to your guns. He will likely try the usual techniques, escalating to more dramatic threats as the first ones don't work. Don't let him suck you in. And don't get into discussions of details - he will also try to bargain with you and then out-argue you. If you are committed and sure of yourself, there's no need to engage in the drama.

"Just because he's selling it, doesn't mean to have to buy it."

 

[rhuthwaite]

Be kind, but stick to your guns.

I fear this part... I can see it now.. me getting angry and frustrated because he's not understanding the phrase "I want to break up" (like last time.)

 

[turbo]

Please don't get trapped in this. Your life, and the quality of your life has value to you, to your friends and to your family. If you stay in a stifling relationship because of fear or guilt, you are squandering that value. You have only one life to live, and you deserve to have a fair shot at happiness. The break-up may not be pleasant for you, but it is necessary, and will probably benefit both of you in the long run. If you stayed because of guilt or avoidance of conflict, resentment would eventually spoil any posibility of happiness and pleasure between you.

Good luck.

 

[Astronuc]

Rather than a deliberate manipulator, he is likely just emotionally immature:

That could be the case, but the end result is the same. If the manipulation works in maintaining the relationship, it will be used again. Such a relationship is unhealthy and unfair.

rhuthwaite - just tell this guy its over - that it's not working for you - and that you're moving on. Consider taking a friend for support. As Dave said, be kind - wish him well - but be firm and move on. If your not married - your not obligated to stay in a relationship that is not healty. And if you were married, you would probably have to consider a divorce.

Manipulation and coercion are totally wrong - no exceptions.

 

[FrogPad]

I fear this part... I can see it now.. me getting angry and frustrated because he's not understanding the phrase "I want to break up" (like last time.)

Don't say it like this, it leaves room for interpretation. If you say you want to break up, he'll interpret it as, "you want to break up because things aren't how they used to be, but they can be, so really you don't want to break up..." or something to that effect.

Instead say you ARE breaking up with him. Imagine it from a business point of view. Imagine you have worked for a company for a few years, and one day your boss says, "can I speak with you for a moment". You walk into the office and sit down, and he says "I'm thinking about letting you go". What is your first thought? Mine would be... "sheeshhh, I thought I was going to get fired."

So the boss then expains how things have not been going very well lately, but never actually says the words "you are fired".
If those words are never said, the statement of intent is not clear, and the problem and solution is not well defined.

You need to be sharp, and say how things are going to be. Imagine them this way. Imagine how much better they will be for you. If you know what you want when you go into the situation it will be much easier for you. I know you have feelings and can't be a robot, because at one point you cared about him (and probably still do). But I would imagine you care about yourself more then him, so do what you need to do. Just don't give him a choice.

Plus if this dude is saying that he is going to hurt himself, or implying that he will if you break up with him, then he is being cruel to you! Why should you have to deal with kind of pressure? If he loves you, why would he say something like that?

 

[AntiChrist]

Since you've mentally outgrown him than you need to accept the responsibility that comes with being the smartest. The fools cannot fend for themselves; the intelligentsia must fend for them.

Date a fool and you will have complete control of the relationship. This would include ending the relationship. If you'd feel guilty if he hurt himself than you must devise a way to break up with him in such a manner that he will not hurt himself. Since you came here, you may already know all this and are just unable to contrive a way to be successful. Well, usually no one can help anyone with these sorts of problems (because people are too dynamic). A solution can be found after having thorough understanding of your boyfriend since you have to be able to predict what he will do.

But why don't you try telling him you don't want to see him anymore and then completely ignore him. Never talk to him again. "Still friends" would not be an option, obviously. In previous lifetimes I have been considered a master manipulator and I can assure you this is related to my skills in psychoanalysis. I think your boyfriend will try to contact you face-to-face and when you publicly blow him off he'll try to privately contact you face-to -face and when you shut the door he'll never try again.

My solution is probably not an option for you and the fact that I spent time answering is called a paradox. Oh well.

Yours truly,

The Third Anti-Christ

 

[Danger]

Frogpad, that business situation was great. Cudos, m'man.
Ruth... if all else fails, tell him that Uncle Danger will make the necessary travel arrangements to appear on site and ensure that he spends the rest of his life regretting that he'd ever been born.

 

[rhuthwaite]

Aww thanks Uncle Danger that's really kind of you!
Thanks everyone else as well your advice has been appreciated I am just going to have to make the time to see hima dn do it and make sure that I have got a nice margaritta to come home to

 

[FrogPad]

Frogpad, that business situation was great. Cudos, m'man.
Ruth... if all else fails, tell him that Uncle Danger will make the necessary travel arrangements to appear on site and ensure that he spends the rest of his life regretting that he'd ever been born.

Thanks Danger
If you ever need a sidekick to lay a beat down, just let me know. I got chya back.

Aww thanks Uncle Danger that's really kind of you!
Thanks everyone else as well your advice has been appreciated I am just going to have to make the time to see hima dn do it and make sure that I have got a nice margaritta to come home to

Good luck with it! Breaking up with someone is never fun. Let us know how it goes though.

 

[rhuthwaite]

Hey Everyone
I did it! Last night. It didn’t go so well that’s why did write this last night – I couldn’t see through my clouded eyes.
Anyway first of all he tried to have sex with me. Like that was going to solve anything! Then he said some of the worst things anyone has ever said to me, made me feel like **** I am so glad I have ended it and thanks to all of you for helping me out. You gave me the courage to do what I needed to do.

 

[JasonRox]

Hey Everyone
I did it! Last night. It didn’t go so well that’s why did write this last night – I couldn’t see through my clouded eyes.
Anyway first of all he tried to have sex with me. Like that was going to solve anything! Then he said some of the worst things anyone has ever said to me, made me feel like **** I am so glad I have ended it and thanks to all of you for helping me out. You gave me the courage to do what I needed to do.

Stronger you will become.

I'm glad you stood up for yourself.

 

[FrogPad]

Hey Everyone
I did it! Last night. It didn’t go so well that’s why did write this last night – I couldn’t see through my clouded eyes.
Anyway first of all he tried to have sex with me. Like that was going to solve anything! Then he said some of the worst things anyone has ever said to me, made me feel like **** I am so glad I have ended it and thanks to all of you for helping me out. You gave me the courage to do what I needed to do.

I think every guy on the planet always tries that when someone breaks up with them. "Come on, just one last time?"

He sounds like a dick though. At least it's over. I always hated relationships that I didn't want to be in. You try to make them work, and nothing... grrr... it actually makes me angry thinking about some of them. Anyways,

So you cool or what?

 

[JasonRox]

I think every guy on the planet always tries that when someone breaks up with them. "Come on, just one last time?"

Guys with no value.

Also, remember that girls do this too.

 

[Astronuc]

Hey Everyone
I did it! Last night. It didn’t go so well that’s why did write this last night – I couldn’t see through my clouded eyes.
Anyway first of all he tried to have sex with me. Like that was going to solve anything! Then he said some of the worst things anyone has ever said to me, made me feel like **** I am so glad I have ended it and thanks to all of you for helping me out. You gave me the courage to do what I needed to do.

Congratulations, rhuthwaite - that's good news! As you see from his words and actions, you did the right thing.

You shouldn't feel like **** because of his inappropriate words and inappropriate behaviour, which shows that he was absolutely wrong for you - or any other woman for that matter.

Good bye, and good riddance!

 

[rhuthwaite]

So you cool or what?

Yeah I am cool. Had a good day What to do being single now?! I am axtually pretty excited its been a while

 

[Danger]

Hey Everyone
I did it!

Good on you, Sweetie. We're proud of you.

If you ever need a sidekick to lay a beat down, just let me know. I got chya back.

That's good to know. Thanks. I might have to borrow a welder from you, since I probably can't take mine on a plane. :uhh:

 

[FrogPad]

Yeah I am cool. Had a good day What to do being single now?! I am axtually pretty excited its been a while

How long were you in the relationship?

I was in one for about 3 years... it was hard to adjust to dating again at first. But hey, a few drinks, and things become good ;)

Glad you are doing well. Just think how much free time you are going to have. Your weekends are now free to do whatever! You don't have to call him all the time. You can be alone if you want, and not have to explain why you didn't answer the phone. You can get back together with friends. You get to flirt. hah... screw relationships!

(not to say they can't be good, I guess they just aren't for me as of now)

 

[JasonRox]

How long were you in the relationship?

I was in one for about 3 years... it was hard to adjust to dating again at first. But hey, a few drinks, and things become good ;)

Glad you are doing well. Just think how much free time you are going to have. Your weekends are now free to do whatever! You don't have to call him all the time. You can be alone if you want, and not have to explain why you didn't answer the phone. You can get back together with friends. You get to flirt. hah... screw relationships!

(not to say they can't be good, I guess they just aren't for me as of now)

Although I'm in a relationship, I still pursue an active social life with girls. I meet new ones often enough, chat with them, and just have plain old fun.

I'm just too young to be restricted from meeting people. I never understood why it was wrong, so I just do it now. My girlfriend is aware of this and she doesn't seem to mind. She does have some insecurities about it, but that is something she needs to workout for herself. She has every right to meet other guys too. I'm fine with that.

The risk of cheating? Sure, it's always there. But I think if you are always active talking to the opposite sex and hanging out with them, that you are less likely to cheat. Cheating for me seems to spur because people feel restricted to talk to the opposite sex, and when the opposite sex shows interest, they seem to jump into it quickly and then they risk cheating on their partner.

I noticed that girls would date me and that girls like me. It isn't new for me anymore. So, when a girl likes me, it's just the way it is. I don't feel the tendency to "cheat" and so on. It's a great feeling to have people admire you. You might ask, doesn't your girlfriend admire you? Sure she does, but naturally people need more than just that, or it seems that way anyways. Basically, people like being liked.

I'm just going to stop now. :tongue2: I have work to do. Maybe I'll carry on the discussion another day.

But in general, the way I look at it is...

It's perfectly normal to crush on another person while dating a person. The problem arises when a person acts inappropriately to that feeling, and "cheats" on their partner. People admire people. Therefore, the reason for being socially active is because you can handle these feelings in a mature fashion through experience.

Note: If you think your partner will never admire another person, you live in a naive world. :uhh:

 

[FrogPad]

Although I'm in a relationship, I still pursue an active social life with girls. I meet new ones often enough, chat with them, and just have plain old fun.

I'm just too young to be restricted from meeting people. I never understood why it was wrong, so I just do it now. My girlfriend is aware of this and she doesn't seem to mind. She does have some insecurities about it, but that is something she needs to workout for herself. She has every right to meet other guys too. I'm fine with that.

The risk of cheating? Sure, it's always there. But I think if you are always active talking to the opposite sex and hanging out with them, that you are less likely to cheat. Cheating for me seems to spur because people feel restricted to talk to the opposite sex, and when the opposite sex shows interest, they seem to jump into it quickly and then they risk cheating on their partner.

I noticed that girls would date me and that girls like me. It isn't new for me anymore. So, when a girl likes me, it's just the way it is. I don't feel the tendency to "cheat" and so on. It's a great feeling to have people admire you. You might ask, doesn't your girlfriend admire you? Sure she does, but naturally people need more than just that, or it seems that way anyways. Basically, people like being liked.

I'm just going to stop now. :tongue2: I have work to do. Maybe I'll carry on the discussion another day.

But in general, the way I look at it is...

It's perfectly normal to crush on another person while dating a person. The problem arises when a person acts inappropriately to that feeling, and "cheats" on their partner. People admire people. Therefore, the reason for being socially active is because you can handle these feelings in a mature fashion through experience.

Note: If you think your partner will never admire another person, you live in a naive world. :uhh:

Sounds like you have a good relationship, and a good girlfriend. It also sounds like you know what you want. I think those are all the things that keep one from not crossing "the" boundaries.

Just to clarify. I wasn't saying that while in a relationship, you can't speak to the other sex. If that's the case you get out as soon as possible. I was just saying you get to "talk" to those people. You know... a little bit more eye contact. A touch here and there. A little smile. A whisper, a hug, hug leads to kiss, etc...

those are the kind of talks you prolly shouldn't be having in a relationship. At least with others.

 

[rhuthwaite]

Its been close on three years. But I have been going out partying and having a good time without him (probably a better time without him) and too his horror I was mates with a lot of guys (even though they were breaking the "guy code" whatever that is because they were single). As for flirting that never really stopped (don't think I cud - I am a natural flirty person), just got tamed down a bit. I am just going to have to find someone to have the occasional quite saturday night with though

 

[JasonRox]

Just to clarify. I wasn't saying that while in a relationship, you can't speak to the other sex. If that's the case you get out as soon as possible. I was just saying you get to "talk" to those people. You know... a little bit more eye contact. A touch here and there. A little smile. A whisper, a hug, hug leads to kiss, etc...

Touching and smiling is fine by me. The way in which you touch can be a problem though, but friendly touch is fine. It's part of being and getting comfortable. I feel like people are getting more socially disconnected, so by encourage touching among my friends, I hope to build a stronger bond than most people get while being just friends. Also, not smiling is just stupid, so I smile. I'll even smile at girls (and sometimes guys!) that walk by. It's all part of enlightning the atmosphere around you.

I never whisper. My disability makes it difficult.

Hugging wouldn't be allowed unless I became good friends the girl, but that's about it.

Kissing has the obvious answer.

 

[JasonRox]

Its been close on three years. But I have been going out partying and having a good time without him (probably a better time without him) and too his horror I was mates with a lot of guys (even though they were breaking the "guy code" whatever that is because they were single). As for flirting that never really stopped (don't think I cud - I am a natural flirty person), just got tamed down a bit. I am just going to have to find someone to have the occasional quite saturday night with though

Don't stop flirting!

It's fun, innocent and it's you!

Partners may hate it, but that's their problem and not yours.

 

[Cyrus]

What about slapping them on the butt?

No good?.....