Collection of Lame Jokes

[mfb]

Spoiler

"Because i never stopped thinking about you"?

 

[davenn]

almost describes me

 

[davenn]

 

[Psinter]

Spoiler

"Because i never stopped thinking about you"?

Could be. I had another. But don't want to make the others puke.

 

[Borg]

View attachment 108423

So if you drank too much moonshine, you might wake up married to your cousin?

 

[Psinter]

So if you drank too much moonshine, you might wake up married to your cousin?

Or wake up married to the floor.

 

[fresh_42]

Or wake up married to the floor.

If I hear / read moonshiners, I always have to think: ... or married to pushing daisies ...

 

[Borg]

Calvin and Hobbes - Trumpified.
Trump In ‘Calvin And Hobbes’ Comic Strips Is Frighteningly Accurate
Donald Trump is Calvin.

The modified cartoons come from an entire subreddit, /r/DonaldandHobbes, devoted to shopping the many faces of Donald Trump onto Calvin’s tiny, T-shirt-wearing body. “The strip you paste Trump’s head over has to contain dialogue that Trump might actually say.

 

[i-like-maths]

Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

 

[i-like-maths]

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

 

[i-like-maths]

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One'a a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

 

[i-like-maths]

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the zoo is a dog.
Its a Shitzhu

 

[i-like-maths]

Bill Gates farted in an Apple store and stank up the entire place. But it's their own fault for not having windows

 

[jtbell]

Which one is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby son?

His baby son is a little Bigger.

 

[davenn]

Which one is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby son?

His baby son is a little Bigger.

hahahaha that's so bad

 

[fresh_42]

Which one is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby son?

His baby son is a little Bigger.

Ouch! This thread needs a pain button instead of a like.

 

[jtbell]

Fortunately I can't claim credit for that one. A contestant on Wheel of Fortune the other night said she did standup comedy part-time, and gave that as an example. She even made host Pat Sajak wince.

 

[jtbell]

What do you call a pink long-necked bird with a hacking cough?

A phlegmingo.

 

[i-like-maths]

A man fell into a lens grinding machine.
He made a spectacle of himself.

 

[i-like-maths]

Did you har about the man that lost his left leg and left arm in an accident?
He's all right now.

 

[mfb]

Did you har about the man that lost his left leg and left arm in an accident?
He's all right now.

In soviet Russia, bomb disarms you!

 

[davenn]

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14953883_10211011281580557_5773096680507552576_n.jpg?oh=b3600042d0674d68509e94b35b896e0b&oe=58D0C977

 

[davenn]

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15078507_1485027284846669_2362304755225224761_n.jpg?oh=d8fa0986a46f68f7db6a92bbcc380027&oe=58CB8A57

 

[DrGreg]

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15078507_1485027284846669_2362304755225224761_n.jpg?oh=d8fa0986a46f68f7db6a92bbcc380027&oe=58CB8A57

Unfortunately, that joke works only for Americans, I think.

 

[fresh_42]

Unfortunately, that joke works only for Americans, I think.

At least it helps a lot not to know, how he is pronounced correctly. (Still searching where this van is supposed to be ... )

 

[Fervent Freyja]

From a LaffyTaffy wrapper:
What do astronauts eat for dinner?

Spoiler

Launch Meat.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?

Spoiler

Poultry in motion.

 

[Ibix]

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

(...with thanks to the Tiny Titans).

 

[i-like-maths]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred the other day when a small two seater Cessna light aircraft crashed into a graveyard. The diggers have uncovered 1,826 bodys so far and they expect the numbers to rise.

 

[mfb]

Better a rising number of bodies than a number of rising bodies.

 

[Borg]

If the IRS threw Trump in jail, would the press quote his tweets out of con-text?

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the guy who went grocery shopping and made the misteak of buying ribeye instead of sirloin?

[inspired by this post]

 

[davenn]

 

[Bandersnatch]

View attachment 109270

I'm pretty sure that's not true. Impossible even.

 

[davenn]

I'm pretty sure that's not true. Impossible even.

Well he did turn out to be "L"uke's father

 

[Ibix]

I'm pretty sure that's not true. Impossible even.

Search your feelings, Bandersnatch. You know it to be true.