Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ivan Seeking]

The meanings of film ratings.

G - The hero gets the girl.
R - The bad guy gets the girl.
X - Everybody gets the girl.

XX - The girl gets the girl

 

[IMP]

Rupert Murdoch was quoted today as saying he is deeply touched by all the messages of support left on Amy Winehouse's phone.

 

[Isaacsname]

What did the spider say to the fly ?

" Omnomnomnom "

What did the fly say to the spider ?

" Holy sh*t ! A talking spider !"

 

[khemist]

Why did the white bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

 

[Lancelot59]

Why did the white bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

HA! That's both terrible and great at the same time.

 

[danyo]

So I told some physicists a Chemistry joke, but there was no reaction.

Now now, I'd tell more chemistry jokes, but the good ones are "Argon" =(

 

[genepool]

A chemist,an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their achievements together.
The chemist says "I crossed graphite and silicone and produced a revolutionary lubricant, made millions in sales"
The engineer says "I crossed titanium and aluminium to form an incredible lightweight material, made millions in patents"
The lawyer says "I crossed the street riding a bike and fell in a manhole, made millions suing the city"

 

[WhoWee]

A chemist,an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their achievements together.
The chemist says "I crossed graphite and silicone and produced a revolutionary lubricant, made millions in sales"
The engineer says "I crossed titanium and aluminium to form an incredible lightweight material, made millions in patents"
The lawyer says "I crossed the street riding a bike and fell in a manhole, made millions suing the city"

...and the Congressman standing nearby chimed in
"I promise the voters anything they want - and my pay and benefits are worth millions too".

 

[enigma]

What is it called when you have second thoughts about booking a trip to a Native American village?

Spoiler

A reservation reservation reservation

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A heart transplant patient was waiting for a donor heart. The doctor walks in one day and announces that they've found a heart! In fact two donor hearts had come available at the same time. The doctor explained that one was from an 19 year old athlete, and the other was from a 50 year old lawyer. Without hesistation, the patient declares that he wants the one from the lawyer. "Why?" asked the doctor. The lawyer was thirty years older than the athlete. And the athlete was in excellent shape". "Sure" said the patient, "but the heart from a lawyer is clearly the best choice - it has never been used".

 

[Isaacsname]

A chemist,an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their achievements together.
The chemist says "I crossed graphite and silicone and produced a revolutionary lubricant, made millions in sales"
The engineer says "I crossed titanium and aluminium to form an incredible lightweight material, made millions in patents"
The lawyer says "I crossed the street riding a bike and fell in a manhole, made millions suing the city"

Fitting that the suer falls into the sewer.

 

[qspeechc]

If you want lame...

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

So Arnold Schwartzenneger (who really knows how to spell it anyway) is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?

Arnold: Nein!

D: Beethoven?

A: Nein!

D: Tchaikovsky?

A: Nein!

D: Then who would you like to play?

A: I'll be Bach!

(Ahem)

 

[Char. Limit]

If you want lame...

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

So Arnold Schwartzenneger (who really knows how to spell it anyway) is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?

Arnold: Nein!

D: Beethoven?

A: Nein!

D: Tchaikovsky?

A: Nein!

D: Then who would you like to play?

A: I'll be Bach!

(Ahem)

Schwarzenegger. It's easy if you know German.

 

[jtbell]

Did you know that a certain cosmetics firm once used traces of rare-earth elements in their perfumes? One of their advertising slogans was "Promethium anything, but give her Arpége."

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Growing older is weird. I told my wife I have never been bald before and she showed me a few new wrinkles.

 

[Isaacsname]

If you want lame...

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

So Arnold Schwartzenneger (who really knows how to spell it anyway) is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?

Arnold: Nein!

D: Beethoven?

A: Nein!

D: Tchaikovsky?

A: Nein!

D: Then who would you like to play?

A: I'll be Bach!

(Ahem)

Amadeus, don't tread on me.

(Ahem, get it ? )

 

[Isaacsname]

Amadeus, don't tread on me.

(Ahem, get it ? )

" I'm a dais, don't tread on me "

Ok...what do you call a fish with no eyes ?

...fssshhh:yuck:

 

[Lancelot59]

" I'm a dais, don't tread on me "

Ok...what do you call a fish with no eyes ?

...fssshhh:yuck:

HA! I get it...

 

[DaveC426913]

" I'm a dais, don't tread on me "

What's a dais?

[EDIT] Huh. I always assumed it was spelled dias, since that's the way I pronounce it.

Anyway, OK, that's lame.

 

[IMP]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.


The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.


The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.


Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.


As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.


Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?"


"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"




The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

That reminds me of this quote:

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

 

[FlexGunship]

Okay, all... this is a JOKE; a Jackie Martling original. That's my disclaimer. Done.

This guy walks into a pub and sees a turtle on the bar. The turtle looks old, beaten, and is covered in bandages; just completely wrapped up. The guy walks over to the bar and asks the bartender: "What's with the turtle?"

The bartender replies: "Well, that's the fastest turtle in the world, right there. If you've got a dog, bring him in, I'll bet you $100 my turtle can cross the room faster than your dog."

Well, the guy thinks $100 is a lot of money, but there's no way a turtle is faster than his dog and, worst case, he sees a freakishly fast turtle. He leaves the bar and brings his dog back and they set up for the race.

The bartender holds his turtle in front of him with two hands and the guy holds his dog back by the collar with two hands. The bartender says: "3... 2... 1... GO!"

And on "GO", the man releases his dog, and the bartender punts the turtle across the room.​

 

[Isaacsname]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
...ws gng t fnsh ths pm bt smbdy stl th vwls frm m kbrd...fck

 

[Lancelot59]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
...ws gng t fnsh ths pm bt smbdy stl th vwls frm m kbrd...fck

On that subject:
[PLAIN]http://chzragecomics.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/rage-comics-not-even-a-kiss.jpg

 

[gravenewworld]

 

[DaveC426913]

On that subject:
[PLAIN]http://chzragecomics.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/rage-comics-not-even-a-kiss.jpg[/QUOTE]

I just don't get these. I never think these are funny.

 

[Evo]

That's great!

 

[Isaacsname]

Brace yourself..:tongue2:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPPbONFXYc

 

[DaveC426913]

Brace yourself..:tongue2:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPPbONFXYc

OK. I'm braced...

 

[Isaacsname]

Well, that was anticlimactic. I was trying to post some nice relaxing tunes.

 

[FeDeX_LaTeX]

When is a function not a function?

When it's the Dirac delta function.

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

 

[Isaacsname]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

I can see how that would work.

I would need some therapy after a visit with the proctologist. :tongue:

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

Heads or tails?

Have you ever wondered what drives a person to become a proctologist? When I was a kid, I liked playing with engines and electronics, my chemistry set, and anything that looked technical. This was certainly predictive of my future interests. As for proctologists, what did they play with as kids?

Here kitty kitty kitty?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

I laughed when I read this.

Whenever I talk with my elderly mother I try to have a joke at the ready to cheer her up. She loves a good joke. I considered telling her this one but thought it was a bit on the dicey side. However, my mother has never been a shrinking violet, and when we spoke she was feeling a bit depressed, so I decided to give it a go. I hardly got started when she interrupted me saying that she's heard it before - from a priest!