Academics has torn my only friends apart from me

In summary: They are jealous and shallow people who will try to deceive you to get ahead. You should switch majors.
  • #1
pjmarshall
10
2
I'm a 3rd year student studying physics, and my only friends have kicked me out of their group. I take a few of the same classes that they do, but most of my other classes are physics classes, while they are engineers. I've been getting good grades in them, with the exception of 2 semesters ago, where I fell behind in my engineering classes and they "beat" me (I didn't feel like there was a victory or defeat, until just now, which I'll point out later).

I have only cared about getting good grades for graduate school, and I love talking about physics with other people. However, I've learned last week that all of my friends have been secretly hating me for the past few YEARS, and have never told me about it. The main problem stems from how they think I'm trying to beat them and that I don't care about how they do.
They attacked my social ineptness and how self-centered I am. I pointed out how every single time I have given them my exact grade, but no matter what I say, they claim that I am this disgusting, arrogant jerk who wants to destroy them. I felt extremely terrible, because I have never felt this way towards them. Another point they made was how I sucked at helping them. I have never known about this because they never pointed it out, and if they had said "please be clearer" I would have understood. Instead, they chose to exclude me from most study sessions they had (I didn't know this).

I feel like I was honest 100% of the time with my grades. I told them what grades I had, even when they were bad, but when they were bad I was sort of hesitant about it (because who likes to talk about that?) Whenever I got really good grades, which wasn't even all that often, I wouldn't bring it up until they asked me, and I have never, definitely never, bragged about them because it's not in my personality to do so. They claim that i have always hidden my bad grades (this part is untrue).

And one of the things I've realized, when I look back, is how some of them called me 'smart'. I am not a genius- I believe all success comes from hard work, and that my friends and I are all around the same, except they never took that in and I even remember a short instance when one of them said they wanted to be better than I am, which I never thought of as a vehement gesture.

Now I'm all alone, and I don't know what I could have done to avoid it. I would have been fine if I really was arrogant and thrived on beating them, but I never felt that way; yes, I felt proud when I got high grades, I just never showed them off (if I did, this would be a lot worse). There's a feeling of imprisonment. I don't know how I'm ever going to make friends who don't get these deceitful thoughts and never tell me about them. I am damn frustrated with how they treated me as a villain, and how they were stubbornly righteous in throwing me out into the dirt. I know I was wrong in my social ineptness (simply put: talking about the wrong things at the wrong time) but I don't like how they can't accept how I said I was never trying to harm them, and also how they place all the blame on my selfishness.

tl;dr I really, really hate people who make a big deal about status or whatever. I want to find friends who don't care about this bullcrap, and most importantly, who will not be snakelike in trying to 'beat' me. But wherever I go, there's all these people who want to try to deceive me to get promoted or whatever. Where can I find people who just like to talk about physics? How can I get over this feeling of humiliation, about being labeled as a terrible, selfish person when I wasn't (though I know my faults, they just are not what they claim), and move on?

EDIT: Also, I forgot to mention that I have switched majors many times. I started out with them as engineers, then went to math, and then to physics, so I took a variety of classes. Would this shifting in majors have caused me to drift apart from them?
 
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  • #2
They are jealous shallow people. That is all. You don't need friends like those.
 
  • #3
Why tell them your grades?
In school this is a bit like telling people how much money you make. No good can come of it.

They can't "beat" you if you don't tell them your grades.
 
  • #4
Antiphon said:
Why tell them your grades?
In school this is a bit like telling people how much money you make. No good can come of it.

They can't "beat" you if you don't tell them your grades.
Most of the time, they asked for my grades. I usually ask "how did you do?" because it's conversation starter, and I don't expect an exact answer. Apparently, they claimed that I would always (this is completely false) ask their grades and only give mines in a 'range'. The problem with this is that I have told them my grades. Not only that, but they have asked me countless times "How did you do?" One time, suspecting that they did not like it when I told them I got a good grade, I said that I got a slightly lower grade than i really did (but which was still high) to show that i wasn't so pompous. Their reaction was a somewhat sarcastic and jeering "Whoa, he's the master of this class now!"

Why did they feel like I was competing with them? I just can't understand that. No matter how many times I try to tell them I wasn't, they stubbornly try to bring up another point about how I was, which I just refute with another point (shakily sometimes, but that's because their question was so shaky in the first place). I don't know why they couldn't have just accepted that I was not trying to "beat" them, I did care about my grades but not in the sense of competition. Now they've kicked me out. I want to find new people who won't act this way, yet it just seems hopeless from my perspective.

EDIT: Sorry for being vague, I just want to discuss if anyone has went through with this before, and how to cope with it and move on. I'm having a hard time knowing what to do right now, and I don't know where I can look for genuine people... just need a little advice, that's all.
 
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  • #5
pergradus said:
They are jealous shallow people. That is all. You don't need friends like those.

Indeed, I wonder why you still call them friends.

Of course, you could have been more careful in telling your grades, trying to help them more, blablabla, but that isn't your fault at all. They should have told you this in your face instead of talking behind your back.

The point is that you are probably a pretty smart guy, and that attracts really jealous people. Some of these people will try to harm you or laugh behind your back. You shouldn't care about these people at all. Try to find some nice guys/girls who don't care about grades and stuff and who just want to talk about interesting things.

You really don't want "friends" like that. Just find better people who fit with you...
 
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  • #6
pjmarshall said:
Why did they feel like I was competing with them? I just can't understand that.

You will probably never understand that because you're very different from them. You said you wanted other peoples story, well, I have quite a similar story. I always got good grades, I never bragged about them. I never even cared about those silly things (grades are a useless way to measure knowledge!). Still, there were quite a few people in my class who were really jealous. And I would get very dirty look sometimes.

I really hated those looks and those talks behind my back. So I decided to fail my exams for once because of it. It was a very bad decision, because I realize now that they were the people to blame. If other people are jealous, then you shouldn't mind it. Just be yourself!

I want to find new people who won't act this way, yet it just seems hopeless from my perspective.

I understand that it seems hopeless, but it really isn't. Try to talk to some other people in your class. I'm certain that there will be some who you like, and some who will like you back. The trick is to make new contacts, you'll find good friends in no time.
 
  • #7
To further emphasize the point: Who cares what they think? Those aren't friends, those are just small, petty people who needed your help because they're obviously too lazy to do well themselves.

Wash your hands clean of them.
 
  • #8
I would advice you to get out of your bubble and learn how to get along with people.

I think humor is a good way to deal with these kind of situations.
 
  • #9
I've been through similar a couple of times. I wonder if there was ever a time that they felt they were better than you and you "proved them wrong" by just being yourself. In high school I lost a group of friends because we were in a band together, the guy that owns the studio sent our tape to a record label, and they said they would sign me to the label, but the others need a lot of work. After that they absolutely HATED me and could not be polite. They said I'm showing off whenever we recorded, and they all started to limit my parts to the chorus only LOL. More recently my best friend and I have been friends since 12 years of age. She is always talking to me about her life and telling me how sad she is that my life is not better, and she wishes I could have some of the things she has in her life. Since I moved out from living with my mom, my life has been going better and she is not handling it well. Now she calls me VERY seldom if ever. I don't even have the heart to tell her I'm going to college because it would kill her.
SO I feel as if I have no friends at all. Its hard to deal with at first, but you just have to focus on keeping yourself together, making good grades, and doing the best you can with yourself. I know it sounds difficult, but after a while you'll be fine without them. You'll learn how to be fine by yourself and hopefully you'll meet some genuine friends in the future, but even if that takes a while I think you'll be okay.
 
  • #10
HeLiXe said:
Since I moved out from living with my mom, my life has been going better and she is not handling it well. Now she calls me VERY seldom if ever. I don't even have the heart to tell her I'm going to college because it would kill her.

What the hell?
 
  • #11
Pengwuino said:
What the hell?

-_- I know lol it's a long and twisted story
 
  • #12
HeLiXe said:
-_- I know lol it's a long and twisted story

I'll take the twisted part. Go!
 
  • #13
It's not nice to hijack someone elses thread...
 
  • #14
You are right, however I was not hijacking the thread. The OP posed the following question:
pjmarshall said:
How can I get over this feeling of humiliation, about being labeled as a terrible, selfish person when I wasn't (though I know my faults, they just are not what they claim), and move on?
So I relayed my experience
pjmarshall said:
EDIT: Sorry for being vague, I just want to discuss if anyone has went through with this before, and how to cope with it and move on. I'm having a hard time knowing what to do right now, and I don't know where I can look for genuine people... just need a little advice, that's all.
and offered advice on what I did to move on. Pengwuino made a comment, I answered, and his last comment was clearly done in humor without expectation of a response.
 
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  • #15
I was kind of in a similar position in high school, where my "friends" thought I spent too much time studying and held it against me, although I was always honest about how much I studied and I didn't think it was excessive, just enough for me to get good grades. I didn't share this information because I wanted to be "better" than them, just because I was being honest in discussing my day to day life. I found out later they would have parties, etc to which I was not invited. Luckily I learned a valuable lesson from this and went on to make new friends.

I would strongly advise you to be as vague as possible in discussing your grades and study habits with your friends, even if they ask you about it. Instead of saying something like "I studied for 8 hours for this test and got a 95%" say "I studied hard and was happy with my grade". Instead of asking someone "how did you do on the test?" ask "what did you think of the test?". I agree that discussing the specifics of grades is similar to asking someone their salary: it's best to avoid it.
 
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  • #16
In 2nd grade high school I was already top of the class with mathematics.
But with the first exam (from a new teacher), I scored an insufficient grade (just).
It was so much of a blow to my self esteem that I had to cry.
A girl in class noticed and she actually got mad at me!
She yelled at me that she had to work really really hard at math and would still get insufficient grades, while it was so easy for me! It stopped me dead in my tracks.

I found it was a very good lesson.
I can understand how frustrated she must have been.
Since then, I've never worried about getting low grades any more, and I definitely never showed off, but of course everybody knew how talented I was.
I don't really think they are jealous, but they are frustrated at their own difficulties, and it doesn't take much to make that explode.

I've made a point of it to help people whenever I can, usually with success.
Since then I think people started respecting me for my abilities, or at worst be indifferent to them.

And once, in 5th grade, somebody asked me what my grade was, and he was simply jubilant, because he had succeeded in getting a higher grade than I had! He was so happy, that it made me feel good that I had somehow been helpful to his jubilation.
 
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  • #17
I like Serena said:
In 2nd grade high school I was already top of the class with mathematics.
But with the first exam (from a new teacher), I scored an insufficient grade (just).
It was so much of a blow to my self esteem that I had to cry.
A girl in class noticed and she actually got mad at me!
She yelled at me that she had to work really really hard at math and would still get insufficient grades, while it was so easy for me! It stopped me dead in my tracks.
Was she mad at you after she found you turned a low grade?
I found it was a very good lesson.
I can understand how frustrated she must have been.
Since then, I've never worried about getting low grades any more, and I definitely never showed off, but of course everybody knew how talented I was.
I don't really think they are jealous, but they are frustrated at their own difficulties, and it doesn't take much to make that explode.

I've made a point of it to help people whenever I can, usually with success.
Since then I think people started respecting me for my abilities, or at worst be indifferent to them.

You're very much like me, I can relate to the sentiment of making it a point to help people whenever you can. I find it to be the most beautiful quality in a person.

I make it a point myself to never show off. Why would I? When you're up there, don't put down those who already down, but you reach a hand to those who lay down low and help them get up high :)

And once, in 5th grade, somebody asked me what my grade was, and he was simply jubilant, because he had succeeded in getting a higher grade than I had! He was so happy, that it made me feel good that I had somehow been helpful to his jubilation.

Yes, I know these types of retards, they usually fail the next couple of test and get a low average, but if they luck out of one test they squeeze all the bragging they can get. *rolls eyes*...and they make themselves a target the next time you get a high grade.
 
  • #18
Femme_physics said:
Was she mad at you after she found you turned a low grade?

After, but then she had the lowest grade possible and had some issues of her own.

Femme_physics said:
Yes, I know these types of retards, they usually fail the next couple of test and get a low average, but if they luck out of one test they squeeze all the bragging they can get. *rolls eyes*...and they make themselves a target the next time you get a high grade.

Not a retard. I liked the guy.
He was hard working and scored reasonably good grades.
And whenever he had a high grade, he was curious about my grade, but without hard feelings, just smilingly.
He didn't think he was better than me, but when once, after working especially hard, he had a higher grade, he felt happy about himself. I liked that.
And he didn't brag. He didn't tell his grade to anyone else. He was just happy for himself. :)
 
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  • #19
I don't understand big fuss about grades/salaries.

Everyone (including people I rarely talk to) know what's my grades or what I ever earn or what's in my bank account or how many stupid or lame things I do. Someone would ask me a question and I just answer .. rest is just forest fire!
 
  • #20
After, but then she had the lowest grade possible and had some issues of her own.
After, but then she had the lowest grade possible and had some issues of her own.
That's kinda morbid, I'd never be mad at a person who's down.
Not a retard. I liked the guy.
He was hard working and scored reasonably good grades.
And whenever he had a high grade, he was curious about my grade, but without hard feelings, just smilingly.
He didn't think he was better than me, but when once, after working especially hard, he had a higher grade, he felt happy about himself. I liked that.
And he didn't brag. He didn't tell his grade to anyone else. He was just happy for himself. :)

I see, well that's different then. I'm just used to retards in my college. There's a story I'm not sure I want to share in public as I've mentioned this forum a few times in my blog and that person is aware of my blog... so let's just say, without naming names, my college doesn't lack idiots who think they're "all that".
 
  • #21
pjmarshall, there is another possibility. It is possible that these people are right about you but that you do not see it.

A very large portion of what you have shared with us is about your grades. And your friends are telling you that you are overly-interested in your grades versus theirs, and judging by what I am reading, that may well be the case.

I'm not saying I know you, or know what you think about, I'm simply saying that, rather than a humilating experience, this could be a humbling experience.

Just food for thought.
 
  • #22
DaveC426913 said:
pjmarshall, there is another possibility. It is possible that these people are right about you but that you do not see it.

A very large portion of what you have shared with us is about your grades. And your friends are telling you that you are overly-interested in your grades versus theirs, and judging by what I am reading, that may well be the case.

I'm not saying I know you, or know what you think about, I'm simply saying that, rather than a humilating experience, this could be a humbling experience.

Just food for thought.

That's actually what I thought when I read it, but because everyone else came back differently I figured I'd just let it go and I misread something.

OP, I actually have friends who are like you describe and don't realize they are doing it. I don't like pointing it out, rather just get on with things because it doesn't bother me.
 
  • #23
rootX said:
I don't understand big fuss about grades/salaries.

Everyone (including people I rarely talk to) know what's my grades or what I ever earn or what's in my bank account or how many stupid or lame things I do. Someone would ask me a question and I just answer .. rest is just forest fire!

I'm in the same boat as you :wink:

I've often overheard some friends in my class boasting about their grades amongst one other, and seeing one bring the other down just because he got a higher grade than him really pushed my buttons - so one time, having had enough of it, I turned to him and told him my mark in the most boastful way possible - unsurprisingly he didn't seem happy about it.
I felt good that day, giving him a dose of his own medicine.
 
  • #24
This has happened to me too. In fact, I'm starting to get worried about my relationship with my girlfriend. Science has become integrated into my life (I know lol) I talk about it alot. I think she gets bored I don't want her to leave me :(. But it's hard
 
  • #25
pdffile said:
This has happened to me too. In fact, I'm starting to get worried about my relationship with my girlfriend. Science has become integrated into my life (I know lol) I talk about it alot. I think she gets bored I don't want her to leave me :(. But it's hard

I talk about science to my girlfriend all the time, and I can tell she's usually either not interested or ready to tell me to shut up about it - but she doesn't because she can tell how passionate I am about it. Then in turn she tells me all about her boring classes that have to do with society. It's a win win because we get to release whatever it is that's on our chests, and the other just tunes out :biggrin:
 
  • #26
Mentallic said:
I talk about science to my girlfriend all the time, and I can tell she's usually either not interested or ready to tell me to shut up about it - but she doesn't because she can tell how passionate I am about it. Then in turn she tells me all about her boring classes that have to do with society. It's a win win because we get to release whatever it is that's on our chests, and the other just tunes out :biggrin:

'Tell me about your day' is what sharing lives is all about.
 
  • #27
DaveC426913 said:
'Tell me about your day' is what sharing lives is all about.

It's not a "tell me about your day", it's more of a "this is I've been studying today and I'm going to tell you, and I don't care about yours but I care about mine because I'm passionate about it".
 
  • #28
Mentallic said:
It's not a "tell me about your day", it's more of a "this is I've been studying today and I'm going to tell you, and I don't care about yours but I care about mine because I'm passionate about it".
You lost me...

You tell her about your day; she tells you about hers. Right? That's what you said.

The 'tell me about your day' is not spoken, its implicit in the relationship. I don't spare much thought for my wife's tribulations in dealing with doctors any more than she really follows every nuance of the code I wrote. But we share and we because we know each needs to be listened to.
 
  • #29
Well people who do that to you should not be considered your friends.

Surround yourself with people you want to be like. If you surround yourself with fun and smart people, you will be more likely to be like your friends, fun and smart.
 
  • #30
DaveC426913 said:
You lost me...

You tell her about your day; she tells you about hers. Right? That's what you said.

The 'tell me about your day' is not spoken, its implicit in the relationship. I don't spare much thought for my wife's tribulations in dealing with doctors any more than she really follows every nuance of the code I wrote. But we share and we because we know each needs to be listened to.

Yeah we don't skip on that part, but I'm saying that I don't consider telling my girlfriend about science and why the maths I'm studying at the moment is really intriguing me as telling her about my day. It's not really my day per se, more like my thoughts. And yes, sharing your thoughts is a good thing too :smile:
 
  • #31
fillipeano said:
Well people who do that to you should not be considered your friends.

Surround yourself with people you want to be like. If you surround yourself with fun and smart people, you will be more likely to be like your friends, fun and smart.

Why?

A good friend will listen to you jabber on about complete crap just to give you a chance to get it off your mind.

There's a lot to be said for getting things off your mind in this manner. The fact they are willing to listen (even without interest) shows they care.
 
  • #32
Quite a long story thr,n u do not need such shallow friends
 
  • #33
M-quest said:
Quite a long story thr,n u do not need such shallow friends

Nope, but you could do with some spelling and grammar lessons. Please don't use text speak.
 

1. How can academics affect friendships?

Academics can affect friendships in various ways. It can create distance between friends due to busy schedules and different priorities. It can also cause conflicts if one friend feels like the other is not putting in enough effort or is prioritizing academics over the friendship.

2. What can I do if my friends and I have different academic goals?

It is important to communicate openly and honestly with your friends about your academic goals. Try to find a balance and compromise, and support each other in your individual pursuits. Remember that having different goals does not mean the end of a friendship.

3. How can I maintain my friendships while still focusing on academics?

Prioritizing your time and setting boundaries can help you maintain your friendships while focusing on academics. Make sure to schedule time for social activities and communicate with your friends about your availability. It is also important to take breaks and make time for self-care.

4. Is it normal to feel isolated from my friends because of academics?

It is common for friendships to change and evolve as individuals pursue their academic goals. It is important to remember that it is not uncommon to feel isolated at times, but it is also important to make an effort to maintain and nurture your friendships.

5. What can I do if my friendships have been negatively affected by academics?

If your friendships have been negatively affected by academics, it is important to address the issue and communicate with your friends about how you are feeling. It may also be helpful to seek support from a counselor or therapist to work through any conflicts and find ways to improve your friendships.

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