Navigating Unrequited Love: Should I Send the Email?

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In summary, the girl told the guy she was seeing that she was interested in him, but then later said she was seeing someone else. The guy is unsure if he should send her an email breaking up with her, or stay friends.
  • #1
bjr_jyd15
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I've been talking to this girl for the past few weeks, and we've really been getting along. We even went to get drinks (tea, I'm only 17) on Wednesday at this one college. Things were going great, and I was ready to ask her to prom...

(Saturday morning)---
I'm talking to her online, and she tells me that she is seeing someone. There was an awkward pause, and I said "oh really that's cool" but I was really mad. She went on and said "if i wasn't with this guy i'd want to be with you" and all that crap...but i was still upset. she was worried that i would get mad, but i told her things were ok.

i called her later in the afternoon and told her not to worry about it, we can still be friends. she said ok, and she seemed relieved.

finally, in the evening, i drafted an email that I'm ready to send to her now. i haven't sent it yet, because I'm not sure if i should. i pretty much explain to her my true feelings and why i think she was misleading.

i'm afraid the email might scare her or come off kind of weird.

do you all think i should just break off contact with her completely? or should i send her the email and risk her knowing what i really felt?

she is a really sweet girl, so I'm confused :confused:

please, please help me. i have no guidance or experience at all.
anything!
 
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  • #2
When she said she has a boyfriend you should've retorted with: Do you have a hot sister you can hook me up with? just like Cary Grant

I won't send her the e-mail since she already rejected me.
 
Last edited:
  • #3
No no no, be the , as seinfeld says, 'consolation guy'. Just stay friends and keep the feelings to yourself and when teh girl breaks up with teh guy, boom, your right there for her to fall into the arms of!
 
  • #4
'consolation guy' aka as stooge. Don't be a stooge
 
  • #5
yeah, the professional, that was part of my email...i said "i don't want to be the fall-back guy so just tell me youre interested."
 
  • #6
Been down that road too many times. Women absolutely do not view relationships the same way that men do. Don't reveal anything more serious than an interest in her. Flirt casually, jokingly, if you feel comfortable doing so. After a while she'll realize that your intent might be a little deeper. Her reaction to that should guide you. Once you're very close friends, you can be completely honest in a non-demanding manner. I've made the mistake of pouncing too soon and it was disastrous. On the other hand, after a lengthy period of distance, we got back together on the original terms. After all, if she's worth loving as a mate, she's worth loving as a friend. Also, you can stop liking someone without stopping loving her. It might pass. One of my initial mistakes married my best friend couple of years later, I was the best man at the wedding, and we're so much closer now than ever before that I consider them family. We love each other deeply and permanently, just not the way I wanted at first.
I can't recommend to you my current approach (ethically, that is), since I still never found the right girl, but I'll tell it to you. I have lots of very good women friends, lots of casual women friends, and hit the bars for meaningless recreational sex when the need arises (sometimes with the casual friends).
 
  • #7
and penguin, being the consolation guy is something I've done for years but to no success...(you know how i define "success") so I'm sick of being the consolation prize.
 
  • #8
thanks danger, its good to know I'm not the only one who is in the dark about girls. in the email I'm debating sending her, i pretty much spell out how i honestly feel...maybe that's not a good idea so soon tho?
 
  • #9
No, don't send the email, but don't just be the consolation guy either. Sit back and think it over for a few days. If you think you can still be friends and want to be friends, that's great, but if you really wanted to date her and can't just be friends, don't tell her it's all okay. It would be fair to let her know that you did have an interest in her more romantically, and would still be interested if her situation changes, but then drop it at that. This way, you don't come across as some obsessed stalker sending her angry emails when you've just been telling her everything is okay (talk about mixed messages), but it also let's her know that you are interested so she understands your feelings and let's her know you're there if she does break up with the other guy.

If you're going to resent her having a boyfriend, that's going to interfere with you being able to be friends. Give yourself some time apart from her if you need to let some of your emotions cool off first, or else you might find yourself ending the entire friendship in a burst of anger.
 
  • #10
Give her your home number and tell her: Hey, when your boyfriend is circling in the sink. Call me, I'll be your quality backup!
 
  • #11
Moonbear, thanks for your advice. So should I just tell her "i'm interested in dating you, and i still am, but if you have a boyfriend, i understand." ?

that's pretty much what i told her on the phone, but I'm not sure i really feel that way. i still want to date her and all, but i don't feel like being put on-hold, you know?
 
  • #12
Professional, what exactly are you a pro in? i hope its not relationships. just kidding. thanks for the help
 
  • #13
Revenge is the best medicine ,forget about e-mail crap.Find uglier,fatter girlfriend than her and show her to that *****,she going to be mad as hell.
 
  • #14
bjr_jyd15 said:
Moonbear, thanks for your advice. So should I just tell her "i'm interested in dating you, and i still am, but if you have a boyfriend, i understand." ?

that's pretty much what i told her on the phone, but I'm not sure i really feel that way. i still want to date her and all, but i don't feel like being put on-hold, you know?

Well, the reality is that she does have a boyfriend, and she wouldn't have told you it that way if she was planning on dumping him for you. You have to decide for yourself if you want to take a number and get in line, knowing there's a chance you're never going to get your turn (he could turn out to be the one she marries), or are you going to keep looking. My advice is to move along and keep looking. If she breaks up with him and you haven't found anyone better in the meantime, you can give it another shot, otherwise, no point wasting time waiting around when there are plenty of other young women around for you to meet. If you really have the hots for her, tell her you need some time to get over that so you can be just friends.
 
  • #15
wait a minute, why would she be mad if i had a ugly, fat girlfriend?

stoned, are you sto---never mind.
 
  • #16
moonbear, thanks a lot. yours is the advice i can actually imagine taking! i'll probably just stay friends and be indifferent to her (as far as dating) and look for other girls in the meantime.

thanks again!
 
  • #17
As odd as this sounds, I wish I'd have this kind of trouble with girls, it seems so much simpler than what I usually get.
Instead of the 'I have a boyfriend' event, it's usually "I'm single but insecure"... why do I always fall for this kind of girl, it's getting really annoying.
 
  • #18
bjr_jyd15 said:
wait a minute, why would she be mad if i had a ugly, fat girlfriend?

stoned, are you sto---never mind.

Well...Idon't know :redface:
I better stop smoking and posting.
 
  • #19
bjr_jyd15 said:
and penguin, being the consolation guy is something I've done for years but to no success...(you know how i define "success") so I'm sick of being the consolation prize.

Well your looking for sex i suppose which means your probably horrible at being the consolation guy anyways :D.
 
  • #20
Girls hate when guy breaks down after unsucsesfull courtship.When you see her act happy and sometimes just ignore her.
 
  • #21
Okay, I'm going to stick with moonbears advice, but I can't help but laugh at stoned, penguin, and smurf's responses.


penguin--trust me, I'm probably not a good consolation guy, but i try...all i do is
say "uh-huh, i understand, I'm sorry"...i'd rather not work on perfecting the art of being 2nd place.

smurf--that sucks too, but you could work it out with her and just tell her, "no, you are not insecure, you are just unsure of yourself. i can help you..." try to ease her with false hope ;)

stoned--you just don't make sense.
 
  • #22
bjr_jyd15 said:
stoned--you just don't make sense.


:frown: :cry:
 
  • #23
Then again, you can just pop back to one of the physics pages on time machines, figure out how to build one, and go back to the days of "club 'er and drag her back to the cave". Be prepared for a woman of minimal intelligence and hygiene, though. :wink:
 
  • #24
Danger said:
Be prepared for a woman of minimal intelligence and hygiene, though. :wink:

Look, Danger, I appreciate your help...but I'm really not a fan of Jessica Simpson.
 
  • #25
bjr_jyd15 said:
Look, Danger, I appreciate your help...but I'm really not a fan of Jessica Simpson.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 
  • #26
Good idea taking Moonbear's advice!
 
  • #27
Definitely take Moonbear's advice. Also, think about why she did not tell you sooner. Like Moonbear advised, its best to move along and keep looking.


I was in a similar situation during college. I started seeing a woman, who worked on campus. We went to lunch together, or got together after work.

We got to the point of our first big date, a 'Yes' concert. We both had a great time, and then headed back to her place. It was time to find out where our relationship was going, and I really needed to know more about her.

She made drinks, I sat on the couch in the living room, and she sat on the other couch across the room, at which point I thought - 'distance'.

She then said she had something to tell me - which I thought was going to be that she was seeing another man, or she had a boyfriend.

She then told me she was 'married'! But separated. Her husband was in prison.

Woah!

In a nutshell, I gave her a commitment and for the next 2.5 years stopped looking while she tried to make her marriage work. I kept a distance, except to help her out when times got tough.

Then along came the woman I did eventually marry. I went back to the first woman and asked her release me from my commitment to her, which she did.

I then married the 'right' woman.
 
  • #28
so Astronuc, while you were with this first woman, you made a "commitment"--does that mean you told her you wouldn't look for other girls?

so for 2.5 yrs you were tied to this woman, but you hardly really connected? i don't really want that, you know? i don't want to be her back-up plan while she is with someone else.

so yeah, I'm just going to break it off with her completely, but since we are going to the same college next year (and we go to the same school right now) it might be weird...but we'll see i guess.
 
  • #29
Astronuc said:
She then told me she was 'married'! But separated. Her husband was in prison.

Woah!


Man ! you are a dolt ! :grumpy: That is every guy dream to fool around for a while and then to be free again.
 
  • #30
We got to the point of our first big date, a 'Yes' concert. We both had a great time...

hmm this story sounds rather outlandish to me.
 
  • #31
Actually, I am sure several women on this forum could start a thread " ugggghh guys"!

bjr_jyd15 said:
so Astronuc, while you were with this first woman, you made a "commitment"--does that mean you told her you wouldn't look for other girls?
That is correct. The night of our first date, she basically told me her life story. I told her I would wait to see what would happen with her situation. Actually, before I met her, I had stopped looking. Let me digress.

I had a couple of girl friends (going steady) when I was ~13 and 14. It wasn't really serious - it can't be at that age. Since about 15 years of age, I was looking for a wife, someone with whom I could spend the rest of my life with. So, every woman I dated was a potential wife. On the other hand, being a high school or college student without a career, it is rather impractical to expect to find a wife.

I looked at dating as a chance to get to know a woman as a person, and all my relationships with women began as friendships and remained platonic. A few women were looking for an intimate relationship without a commitment, I was not. Those relationships ended pretty quickly when I did not respond. Other relationships just did not get beyond a friendship for one reason or another - mostly neither of us was ready.

This woman was the most serious relationship at that point.

bjr_jyd15 said:
so for 2.5 yrs you were tied to this woman, but you hardly really connected?
I am not sure what you mean by really connected. I freely chose to be committed to her, that is to wait to see if she could make the marriage work. That also meant, I had to keep a distance.

After the first year, when her husband was released from prison, she told me I should be dating other women. So, actually, at this time she effectively released me from my commitment to her. But, I decided to continue to wait. During this time, however, there were several women who pursued me - probably because I wasn't looking. And besides, I was focused on my academic studies and working to pay for university.

bjr_jyd15 said:
i don't really want that, you know? i don't want to be her back-up plan while she is with someone else.
No, you should not put your life on hold, and you should not be someone's 'back up plan' or 'consolation guy'. Like Moonbear said - keep looking.


After 2.5 years, I just happened serendipitously to meet the woman who became my wife. Things started out slowly - we just kept encountering each other at gatherings of mutual friends. Finally, after about 9 months, we began dating. Three months after that, I proposed.

I went back to the first woman and told her that I was getting married. At this time, she told me that she was 'probably' getting a divorce. I had to tell her that my mind was made up, and that I was committed to the woman whom I did marry.

A year later, I got married, and have been married almost 23 years. Marriage to me is a lifetime commitment, and my wife has been my one and only intimate partner.

Man ! you are a dolt ! That is every guy dream to fool around for a while and then to be free again.
:smile: I disagree. That was never something I wanted. My father and my grandfathers were certainly not like that.

Yes, most of my male friends thought I was stupid not to take advantage of casual relationships. I simply wanted to find a woman who would accept me as I am, with whom I could share my heart and soul, and with whom I would spend the rest of my life. I found that woman - and I married her. :smile:
 
  • #32
Thanks for all the advice guys...I just hope things were out ok. I mean, I'm 17, I'm not really looking for wife, but I when I think I like someone, I try to imagine myself with her a few years from now. For some reason, I can never do that, though.

It seems so :confused: ...

I don't know, I guess I can move on...Thanks again.
 
  • #33
Watch all the 007 films. Observe.
 
  • #34
Astronuc said:
Yes, most of my male friends thought I was stupid not to take advantage of casual relationships. I simply wanted to find a woman who would accept me as I am, with whom I could share my heart and soul, and with whom I would spend the rest of my life. I found that woman - and I married her. :smile:

Idealistic... yet so true. I can relate somewhat with that. I try as well to find someone who actually cares for me, and someone who I can care about as well.

So far none of that has happened, and I have never even dated anyone before. Yet I think I know a little something about love. It is an ideal to me, but nothing more right now.
 
  • #35
so-crates said:
Watch all the 007 films. Observe.
Ha! That'll never work, you should really talk only in Greek philosopher quotes.
 

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