Why Did She Choose Him Over Me?

[FrancisZ]

For little more than a year now, I have been patiently pursuing a woman; and while I cannot say that I'm utterly heartbroken now, I am admittedly feeling rather perplexed over the recent outcome (if not the least bit disgusted). :grumpy:

Basically: we knew each other from work (circa 2008). Just acquaintances. Then a few years ago, she moved away to Illinois.

I kept in touch. Never missed a Christmas nor her birthday, in fact. Then, for about a year, she disappeared altogether. She'd left her job and moved again.

Last February though, we started communicating again via email; and it seemed to me anyway, that maybe there was some potential for us.

I never really got my hopes up, of course; but it went on like this for the past few months. We talked a lot, and I honestly felt good about exploring the possibilities.

Anyway, during the course of conversation, she eventually confided her disappointment over this other fellow with whom she had recently dated. One day, he literally says to her: "I have to pray to see your beauty." :uhh: Meaning he wasn't actually attracted to her, I suppose (though I'm not sure why he would have instigated a date in the first place...my theory at least: he's just an @$$hole).

Well, she dropped him (and rightfully so after that stupid comment) but was, I could sense, still smarting even as the weeks went on.

Slowly, I proceeded nonetheless; and she seemed to appreciate the attention. I was grateful myself.

But eventually though, so-in-so must have come to his senses (or maybe he couldn't take the rejection). And can you guess what happens next?

I got dropped like a pile of bricks. <--Kind of a sick smile there, in case you were wondering.

Here I am complimenting this woman every chance I get, and trying to cheer her up--I was freak'in pursuing her from half a continent away, if that is any indication of my sincerity--and then she goes back to the very same jerk who insults her. Am I stupid or something? I certainly feeling like a yo-yo.

Again, I'm not really heartbroken. I did like her, but never got the chance. I'm sort of in shock still, more than anything else.

And though I don't know for a fact: I honestly believe this other guy is going to ask my friend to marry him soon--he went over to her family's house with her for Christmas! And then I think they might have even went to Washington together (maybe to meet his family?).

Maybe I'm not supposed to understand it.

Anyway, I don't despise love now, or anything; it's just so unexpected.

I did guess he would bother her again; but I didn't think she'd bother with him--like she wanted someone that treated her so disrespectfully. That's not the way I was.

I admit: I think a lot less of her now as a person. Still, I'm also trying not to allow any fleeting notion of "sour grapes" to corrupt me either.

*Long sigh*

PEACE and GOOD LUCK to you all out there.

 

[Student100]

You were friend zoned from the start, that's a hard barrier to overcome. You were also not living the same geographical area anymore, which doesn’t help your case any.

The jerk who insulted her is someone she’s been intimate with; once you’re intimate with a woman they can forgive/overlook a lot of ****. Not her fault.

It is much better (and easier) to pursue a romantic relationship from the start, rather than becoming acquaintances/friends and then trying to turn it into something romantic. Further the “compliments and cheering up” in my experience does more harm than good to your cause.

Good luck in the future, hopefully you find a much better woman who can appreciate you.

 

[Enigman]

Oh come on! I hate metaphors...I came expecting a story about a yo-yo trick gone wrong.
Holey socks.

 

[jackmell]

You were friend zoned from the start, that's a hard barrier to overcome. You were also not living the same geographical area anymore, which doesn’t help your case any.

The jerk who insulted her is someone she’s been intimate with; once you’re intimate with a woman they can forgive/overlook a lot of ****. Not her fault.

It is much better (and easier) to pursue a romantic relationship from the start, rather than becoming acquaintances/friends and then trying to turn it into something romantic. Further the “compliments and cheering up” in my experience does more harm than good to your cause.

Good luck in the future, hopefully you find a much better woman who can appreciate you.

Very nice Student100. I approve. Although I would say, "once her heart gets involved . . . " over "once you're intimate". Yeah, a woman's heart. Also, looks nicer I think to say friend-zoned.

It's just not there, he and her. In the words of a great modern-day philosopher, Ally McBeal, "don't fall in love with someone you can't have." Problem is if she comes back to him, he'll likely fall in line like birds on a power line. Man's heart too I guess. Gotta' be strong though.

 

[FrancisZ]

You were friend zoned from the start, that's a hard barrier to overcome. You were also not living the same geographical area anymore, which doesn’t help your case any.

I knew the distance would be an issue. But I also figured, that if we seemed to connect, then I would also be willing to move.

As for friend zoned: I thought about that, honestly; but it didn't seem that way initially at least.

The jerk who insulted her is someone she’s been intimate with; once you’re intimate with a woman they can forgive/overlook a lot of ****. Not her fault.

I suppose that is true of both sexes. It seems plausible.

It is much better (and easier) to pursue a romantic relationship from the start, rather than becoming acquaintances/friends and then trying to turn it into something romantic. Further the “compliments and cheering up” in my experience does more harm than good to your cause.

Good luck in the future, hopefully you find a much better woman who can appreciate you.

I appreciate it.

 

[FrancisZ]

Oh come on! I hate metaphors...I came expecting a story about a yo-yo trick gone wrong.
Holey socks.

Well, you can't date an actual yo-yo.

 

[Enigman]

I was thinking an around-the-world gone wrong and into the ______...

 

[FrancisZ]

I was thinking an around-the-world gone wrong and into the ______...

That's sounds like a George Carlin joke I once heard (about him, Carrot Top, Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson).

 

[Enigman]

http://www.tealco.net/YoyoBook20-300.jpg

 

[xxChrisxx]

You never had a chance.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Move on.

 

[FrancisZ]

You never had a chance.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Move on.

I don't think that is entirely accurate; but you are quite right--I really have no choice.

She was/is a really good person though--very kind, and certainly someone I could have learned from. I just can't figure someone taking such crap from someone else and then wanting to be with them. She deserved better than that fellow (at least from the sound of him).

Not saying I was right guy (apparently not), but I did care for her.

Anyhow, the pattern I am beginning to see now, is that I am somehow not really suitable; so I guess I just need to work on me and get my stuff together.

Thanks for the ear folks. Sorry about this.

 

[lendav_rott]

I have seen some very absurd/bizarre/awkward moments as well where the guy proves one and all that he is a steaming pile of manure yet the girl crawls back to him. I have come to the conclusion, after seeing it happen too many times, that it is because of their own insecurities. I mean, the girl is trying to revive the flame, must be compensating for something.

 

[FrancisZ]

I have seen some very absurd/bizarre/awkward moments as well where the guy proves one and all that he is a steaming pile of manure yet the girl crawls back to him. I have come to the conclusion, after seeing it happen too many times, that it is because of their own insecurities. I mean, the girl is trying to revive the flame, must be compensating for something.

In all fairness: I've never met the guy; I've only heard about him. But I still think that to basically imply that she is unattractive somehow--meanwhile they are dating--is just friggin mean. It's not even true.

I don't think there is anything wrong with her. I just think she is impatient maybe (as we all are sometimes), and wants to get married soon. Still, I'm not sure why she would ever settle on a guy that insults her.

Maybe it's just not my place.

Anyway, I shouldn't have even said anything. I'm just vomiting my guts up I guess. And I apologize to the forum for making such a mess.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Still, I'm not sure why she would ever settle on a guy that insults her.

There is a certain kind of guy that can hook a woman this way, get her locked into a never ending quest to somehow force him to acknowledge her good points. The more he refuses the more she needs to make him. It becomes a pathological struggle of wills.

 

[Evo]

It sounds like she has low self esteem, if they get married, either they will divorce or they will be miserable.

You are lucky you escaped Francis.

Glad to see you!

 

[FrancisZ]

There is a certain kind of guy that can hook a woman this way, get her locked into a never ending quest to somehow force him to acknowledge her good points. The more he refuses the more she needs to make him. It becomes a pathological struggle of wills.

Honestly, I think I may have been in the exact opposite situation once myself (i.e. me trying desperately to advertise myself to someone else); so I'm trying not to judge.

Anyhow, I definitely understand what you're saying.

It sounds like she has low self esteem, if they get married, either they will divorce or they will be miserable.

You are lucky you escaped Francis.

Glad to see you!

Good to see you too, Boss.

She was a good egg, I think honestly. Just very much in a hurry to get married; so, not really willing to wait even for me to move closer to her location.

Even still: there's got to be someone else, within proximity, less of a jerk than that, right?

 

[sourlemon]

It's understandable that you're upset. I would be too. But as you said, she wants to get marry. And she moved to a new city not too long ago. It must have been lonely. Sometimes we let our emotion gets the best of us and we do things that may not be good for the long run, but they pull us out of our current situation. I certainly have a few of those moments since moving away from home :(

You can look back at this and said, at least I tried. I think that's much more comforting that wondering what if.