Ending Relationships: What's a Reasonable Excuse?

[Smurf]

I'm curious as to what you people think is a reasonable excuse for ending a relationship? And how that would change depending on how long you've been with the person, ect.

For example, if your partner kissed someone else - ("accidently" or not) would you find that valid reason to break up with them? Explain.

 

[Pengwuino]

Who the hell needs a reason? This isn't like firing someone from their job.

 

[Smurf]

psht... you know what I mean pengy

 

[Pengwuino]

No i dont. Who needs a reason. This isn't a trial.

 

[Smurf]

Yeah, I know I phrased it badly, I was thinking of Ape's dillema when I wrote it.

 

[Pengwuino]

who's ape and what's his dillema

 

[whozum]

I end a relationship when it isn't giving back what I put into it, in whatever way that is. Why invest in something that gives poor/no return?

 

[mattmns]

Evo, Smurf, tell me it ain't so Evo, if you want to start dating me to get back at Smurf, I would be ok with it :tongue2:

 

[zoobyshoe]

I'm curious as to what you people think is a reasonable excuse for ending a relationship?

In other words, you just want something that sounds plausible because you're afraid to give the real reason.

 

[arildno]

One reasonable excuse for ending a relationship is in order to get something you really need to talk with your partner about.

 

[Evo]

Evo, Smurf, tell me it ain't so


Evo, if you want to start dating me to get back at Smurf, I would be ok with it :tongue2:

smurf Is there something you're trying to tell me?

Yes Matt <sniff> I need a shoulder to cry on.

 

[arildno]

Yes Matt <sniff> I need a shoulder to cry on.

Have a pickle instead.

 

[Moonbear]

Why would you need to look for excuses to end it? If you're thinking about making up excuses, then you must already want to end it, so forget the excuses and just end it.

 

[mattmns]

Have a pickle instead.

That is what I was trying to imply with my smilies arildno! :rofl:

 

[matthyaouw]

Why would you need to look for excuses to end it? If you're thinking about making up excuses, then you must already want to end it, so forget the excuses and just end it.

Absolutely. If you don't get the excuse you're looking for, you just end up really unhappy. Believe me.

 

[Evo]

Have a pickle instead.

<Takes arildnos pickle>

<chomp> <sniff> <chomp>

Mmmm, good pickle! Your mom made these?

 

[arildno]

<Takes arildnos pickle>

<chomp> <sniff> <chomp>

Mmmm, good pickle! Your mom made these?

Yes, she did!
Have another one..

 

[Evo]

Yes, she did!
Have another one..

Thanks! <mmmm, chomp, snorf> Very good!

 

[Smurf]

Okay... this thread has nothing to do with anything going on in my life right now. I was trying to analyze something but obviously you lot arn't going to be much help. :tongue2:

 

[arildno]

Okay... this thread has nothing to do with anything going on in my life right now. I was trying to analyze something but obviously you lot arn't going to be much help. :tongue2:

Have a pickle.

 

[Smurf]

mmmmmm pickles... :shy:

 

[arildno]

mmmmmm pickles... :shy:

Evo likes them; you hurt her.
You might want to bring her a reconciliation gift.

 

[Evo]

Evo likes them; you hurt her.
You might want to bring her a reconciliation gift.

I like the way you think arildno.

 

[Lisa!]

Whenever you don't feel happy being with someone, you'd better to end that relationship. How on the Earth can you make him/her happy when you don't feel happy with him/her? :tongue2:

 

[arildno]

Whenever you don't feel happy being with someone, you'd better to end that relationship. How on the Earth can you make him/her happy when you don't feel happy with him/her? :tongue2:

Unfortunately, that happens over and over again..
There are enough of stories where one of the partners feels the break-up coming out of the blue; they themselves were content, and perhaps even happy in the relationship.

 

[Evo]

Something I truly believe is that good relationships do not require a lot of work, sacrfice and compromise, bad relationships do.

Whenever I hear people say how much hard work it takes to make a relationship work, I ask myself why they don't admit that they're just not right for each other and find someone that IS right for them? Is it that people just don't know what a really good relationship is? I guess this entire mindset comes from thousands of years of people being stuck in relationships and had little or no choice of ever changing partners, so they had to struggle, and sacrifice and compromise so that they would not be completely miserable, or kill each other. In those days, finding a husband/wife was limited to a very tiny geographic area, you really didn't have much choice and had to settle with what you could get. It's not that way any more.

 

[Moonbear]

Something I truly believe is that good relationships do not require a lot of work, sacrfice and compromise, bad relationships do.

I think I agree with 2 out of 3 there. I think good relationships do involve compromise, but it shouldn't feel like hard work or sacrifice. If you're in a good relationship, making some compromises ought to make you feel good about doing something for your partner, or should just be an easy thing to do because you love each other enough not to let the little things bother you. But, yeah, if you feel like it's hard work and requires a lot of sacrifices, then you're probably with the wrong person. That's not to say everything is just going to be hunky dory all the time and you'll never need to put some effort into maintaining a relationship, just that the effort required should be something you feel you want to do and a labor of love, not something you feel you HAVE to do. If you really love and appreciate someone, you're going to tell them "I love you" and "thanks" and "I really appreciate everything you're doing for me right now," you don't need some relationship counselor to remind you to say those things to your partner.

 

[singleton]

Evo is right.

People get together for all the WRONG reasons today. Part of it is a societal problem; we make people believe they should fit into some norm of a wife/husband and two kids. If you deviate from that you are "odd".

So people look for a mate. They have a checklist of "wants" and go about it ALL wrong. Once they find someone who suits their list (SOME common factors are potential parenting skills, physical attraction, money, intelligence, popular and a wide social network, powerful) they immediately latch onto that person. Once the next best deal comes along they hop onto that.

It has to be magical. When you're with someone it just has to "click". If I don't feel nervous and slightly off-balance with a woman its usually just infatuation and has no substance. Don't ever go into a relationship making expectations or decide on what you want or you will end up disappointed. You'll know in your heart when you find the right one and you'll enjoy it for what it is, not what you want it to be

If you don't have that spark--if it just doesn't feel right everytime they walk into the room or laugh--then don't pursue it. People stick in those relationships all the time and end up unhappy and stuck with kids (then it gets ugly, you resent each other, divorce is imminent and the likes).

Don't settle for the "best deal". Settle for your deal. Don't carry on a dead relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. That is far worse than being alone IMO.

Cliff's Notes:
Break it off!

 

[EnumaElish]

I'm curious as to what you people think is a reasonable excuse for ending a relationship? And how that would change depending on how long you've been with the person, ect.

For example, if your partner kissed someone else - ("accidently" or not) would you find that valid reason to break up with them? Explain.

I will assume you are not asking us to make up excuses for you; rather seeking guidance whether your partner has crossed the line when s/he kissed someone else. That's up to you to decide. Ask yourself if you're comfortable with it. Even if you're okay this once, you may be thinking that you do not want to act as if to encourage a repeat episode. In that case you may want to have a talk so it will not be repeated -- or else.

 

[Evo]

I think good relationships do involve compromise, but it shouldn't feel like hard work or sacrifice.

Yes, but it should be a compromise that requires no feelings of resentment, or that you've given up something. Usually compromise in a relationship ends up with the person that "compromised" keeping a chip on their shoulder about it.

Often I see the first scenario below in married couples, too rarely the second.

Ok, we have a couple Ed & Jane. Ed is a night owl, he likes to stay up late at night, reading, on PF, etc..., as a result, he doesn't like to wake up early. Jane can't keep her eyes open after 9pm, but she gets up at 5am every morning.

In the first scenario, Jane is resentful that Ed won't go to bed early with her every night, she resents that he has other things he likes to do late at night. She feels that if he "loved" her, he'd rather go to bed with her than stay up. She also resents that he won't get up early with her and she complains constantly that she feels abandoned. Ed thinks Jane is a harpie and wonders why he ever married her since she knew he has always been this way. Jane says she always hated Ed's sleeping habits and expected Ed would change after they got married.

Second scenario, Jane realizes that Ed likes to unwind at night doing certain things alone when it's quiet. She understands this and doesn't mind. She's glad that Ed is happy to be at home reading, it makes her feel good. She's emotionally secure. She also has her own interests and is capable of occupying herself early in the morning when Ed is sleeping, she's not so pathetic that she can't function unless he's sitting across from her. Ed understands that Jane is an early riser and that she goes to bed early. That's ok, he has things he enjoys doing while she is asleep, he doesn't feel that she's ignoring him. Ed and Jane spend quality time together even after 20 years of marriage because they were honest about their feelings about their different schedules and didn't go into the marriage with ridiculous expectations.

 

[dduardo]

You have take them into the boardroom and tell them: Your Fired!

 

[Smurf]

I will assume you are not asking us to make up excuses for you; rather seeking guidance whether your partner has crossed the line when s/he kissed someone else.

No really, this has nothing to do with me... seriously.

Single now, have been for months, don't see it changing any time soon.

Even if you're okay this once, you may be thinking that you do not want to act as if to encourage a repeat episode. In that case you may want to have a talk so it will not be repeated -- or else.

Actually I did that in my last relationship. I felt horrible afterwards. Like I was threatening the relationship. :grumpy:

 

[EnumaElish]

For example, if your partner kissed someone else - ("accidently" or not) would you find that valid reason to break up with them? Explain.

Your first question should be, "would you find about that?"

I'd like to think it'll depend on who, where, why, and where.

 

[Moonbear]

In the first scenario, Jane is resentful that Ed won't go to bed early with her every night, she resents that he has other things he likes to do late at night. She feels that if he "loved" her, he'd rather go to bed with her than stay up. She also resents that he won't get up early with her and she complains constantly that she feels abandoned. Ed thinks Jane is a harpie and wonders why he ever married her since she knew he has always been this way. Jane says she always hated Ed's sleeping habits and expected Ed would change after they got married.

That's not compromise in my book, that's both digging their heels in and expecting their partner to cave into their wishes without giving anything in return. Compromise means both people give a little and get a little. The second example you gave is what I consider compromise, finding a way to make their differences work without anyone being forced to do something they don't want to do.

Second scenario, Jane realizes that Ed likes to unwind at night doing certain things alone when it's quiet. She understands this and doesn't mind. She's glad that Ed is happy to be at home reading, it makes her feel good. She's emotionally secure. She also has her own interests and is capable of occupying herself early in the morning when Ed is sleeping, she's not so pathetic that she can't function unless he's sitting across from her. Ed understands that Jane is an early riser and that she goes to bed early. That's ok, he has things he enjoys doing while she is asleep, he doesn't feel that she's ignoring him. Ed and Jane spend quality time together even after 20 years of marriage because they were honest about their feelings about their different schedules and didn't go into the marriage with ridiculous expectations.

 

[Evo]

I agree.

People don't seem to get that there is healthy compromise and destructive compromise. If both parties are angry that they were forced to concede something they enjoyed, that's not a good compromise, yet I hear these complaints from people all the time.