What are the factors to consider when asking someone out via email?

[sean1234]

Hi,

I have been pondering the notion of asking out a former TA of mine. She was in charge of the lab in which I was enrolled last quarter. Though I never really talked to her, I did catch her gaze a few times. I didn't think asking someone out while in the subordinate position of TA and student, was a very good idea, and it may even have violated a university policy. Since I don't have her number or anything, I would have to contact her through her official email address. I am leaning against this for a few reasons: she might be weirded out; might be not happy that I am contacting her this way; the fact she doesn't really know me; maybe she thinks I'm desperate. Further I think she is stunningly beautiful and possibly she has had to deal with this before.

I also figure I won’t be going out with her if don’t email her for certain and if she says no nothing really changes, I am still not going out with her. I only have the potential to gain from this should she say yes. At any rate perhaps I am just thinking too much about this and should just do it.

 

[Bladibla]

Hi,

I have been pondering the notion of asking out a former TA of mine. She was in charge of the lab in which I was enrolled last quarter. Though I never really talked to her, I did catch her gaze a few times. I didn't think asking someone out while in the subordinate position of TA and student, was a very good idea, and it may even have violated a university policy. Since I don't have her number or anything, I would have to contact her through her official email address. I am leaning against this for a few reasons: she might be weirded out; might be not happy that I am contacting her this way; the fact she doesn't really know me; maybe she thinks I'm desperate. Further I think she is stunningly beautiful and possibly she has had to deal with this before.

I also figure I won’t be going out with her if don’t email her for certain and if she says no nothing really changes, I am still not going out with her. I only have the potential to gain from this should she say yes. At any rate perhaps I am just thinking too much about this and should just do it.

Asking someone out with Email is plain stupid. You say:

Since I don't have her number or anything, I would have to contact her through her official email address. I am leaning against this for a few reasons: she might be weirded out; might be not happy that I am contacting her this way; the fact she doesn't really know me; maybe she thinks I'm desperate. Further I think she is stunningly beautiful and possibly she has had to deal with this before.

I think you just answered your own question. Yes, it *is* weird, unusual, and frankly quite a deterrent for a good relationship. Just what is it you want to ask?

 

[chroot]

I'd say it's a bit creepy to email her out of the blue with no prior social interaction, though some women are actually endeared by men who kinda go "out of their way."

I'd say your best bet is to find reasons to be where she is. If she studies in the library, or hangs out in a student lounge, find (relatively legitimate) reasons to be there, too -- then strike up a real conversation with her. After you've gotten to know each other a bit, your proposition will be a lot more likely to succeed.

If she was a good TA, you might even thank her for her help, and ask if you could swing by her office sometime and ask some questions about your current classes. You just want to find some way to encourage your "paths" to cross again here and there, to give you some opportunity to build some rapport with her.

- Warren

 

[Moonbear]

I go with the "creepy" vote too. If a former student emailed me out of the blue to ask me on a date, I'd probably not only be weirded out, but would be sending a copy to my dept chair or a dean or something just to protect myself from any potential harrassment accusations, or any sort of accusations of impropriety.

 

[russ_watters]

Asking someone out with Email is plain stupid.

I've done it before with [some] success, but it does depend on the situation. Ie...

I'd say it's a bit creepy to email her out of the blue with no prior social interaction...

I'd say your best bet is to find reasons to be where she is.

Agreed.

 

[sean1234]

Okay I won't do it. I will probably never see her again anyway. Out sight out of mind.. right?

 

[Bladibla]

I've done it before with success, but it does depend on the situation. Ie... Agreed.

The point 'with *some* ACTUAL social interaction was implied'. I should have mentioned it.

Seriously, what is the OP asking? All he's saying is:

I think I'll go out with my former TA, but I think Email -dating is too weird and hence she will freak out. If she says no, fair enough. But I'm going to give it a try anyway

Am I the only one who sees a problem that he's not asking a question?

 

[Moonbear]

I've done it before with [some] success, but it does depend on the situation.

Sure, and the situation probably involved prior email or in-person conversations and some indication that there was some mutual interest.

 

[sean1234]

You guys are getting the wrong impression here. I have talked to her a few times, briefly, but the topic was only about the class. I also did exchange an Email with her which also was about the class.

I don't think I will do it since nobody seems to approve. Ya, and I know asking someone out by Email is lame!

 

[Cyrus]

Do it. Then report back on the abysmal failure.

 

[russ_watters]

Sure, and the situation probably involved prior email or in-person conversations and some indication that there was some mutual interest.

Yes, both.

 

[heman]

I go with the "creepy" vote too. If a former student emailed me out of the blue to ask me on a date, I'd probably not only be weirded out, but would be sending a copy to my dept chair or a dean or something just to protect myself from any potential harrassment accusations, or any sort of accusations of impropriety.

Sounds like someone has done that before
And it looks like you are mentally prepared this time and waiting for such a case to happen..Is it?

 

[heman]

Hi,

I have been pondering the notion of asking out a former TA of mine. She was in charge of the lab in which I was enrolled last quarter. Though I never really talked to her, I did catch her gaze a few times. I didn't think asking someone out while in the subordinate position of TA and student, was a very good idea, and it may even have violated a university policy. Since I don't have her number or anything, I would have to contact her through her official email address. I am leaning against this for a few reasons: she might be weirded out; might be not happy that I am contacting her this way; the fact she doesn't really know me; maybe she thinks I'm desperate. Further I think she is stunningly beautiful and possibly she has had to deal with this before.

I also figure I won’t be going out with her if don’t email her for certain and if she says no nothing really changes, I am still not going out with her. I only have the potential to gain from this should she say yes. At any rate perhaps I am just thinking too much about this and should just do it.

What you can do is plan...

Do you know who is her guide proffesor...and what are the areas in which TA expertises in...Just in talking to proffesor,show your interest in that respective field and ask him which students are working under him...
And then mail her..asking queries and finally she herself will ask you to meet you..

Or you yourself can think something new and experiment ,,i just wish you have enormous confidence

 

[Moonbear]

Sounds like someone has done that before
And it looks like you are mentally prepared this time and waiting for such a case to happen..Is it?

To me? No. But it has happened to others...not necessarily by email, but a student becoming infatuated and then causing trouble when they don't take rejection well, so at the first sign of something like that, you have to protect yourself.

 

[Astronuc]

I have been pondering the notion of asking out a former TA of mine. . . . . Though I never really talked to her, . . .

Stop right there!

For the first time, I would ask a woman in person. BUT,

I would have actually talk with her, and likely several times, before asking her out on a date.

There is the matter of the TA/student relationship. So better to talk with her on a casual basis, without any expectation of a date. She might already have an interest in someone else, which would preclude a date.

 

[zoobyshoe]

There's nothing wrong or weird about asking someone out by e-mail in and of itself. The reason I'm sure it won't work in this case is that you aren't confident about it. That nervousness is going to get into your e-mail and signal to her that you're confused about whether it's even appropriate or not.

I'd completely forget about her if I were you, unless you have some burst of confidence that impells you to ask her out without really caring if she accepts or not.

 

[Bladibla]

There's nothing wrong or weird about asking someone out by e-mail in and of itself. The reason I'm sure it won't work in this case is that you aren't confident about it. That nervousness is going to get into your e-mail and signal to her that you're confused about whether it's even appropriate or not.

I'd completely forget about her if I were you, unless you have some burst of confidence that impells you to ask her out without really caring if she accepts or not.

Rubbish.knowing the person's face (the one whos asking you out) personality, or general who they are is absolutely essential in starting a good relationship. I don't care if there are example of 'internet dating' around. If at any opportunity you can speak to her/him, it is a MUCH better choice to just go to her and ask her/him out.

 

[heman]

To me? No. But it has happened to others...not necessarily by email, but a student becoming infatuated and then causing trouble when they don't take rejection well, so at the first sign of something like that, you have to protect yourself.

Protect..

Well believe me ,if i have seen the inverse case also happening ...when i was in school in my final year,,i never gave importance to one teacher...and she was after me,,she used to observe me,,always trying to talk to me and finally when she got success in attracting me,,then she strated ignoring me..Women are harder to understand....They say something ,think something and do something..

Thats just how i see..

 

[cronxeh]

I've done it before with [some] success, but it does depend on the situation.

Ditto . I've done it too and what happened next is pretty much exactly what Moonbear would do.. dept head involvement.. dept of student affairs, the works.

*BURP*

I'm just a bad mofo and it rolled right off of me, though

 

[zoobyshoe]

Rubbish.

Rubbish??! Rubbish??!

knowing the person's face (the one whos asking you out) personality, or general who they are is absolutely essential in starting a good relationship.

Straw man, Mr. Rubbish. We're talking about a situation where they already have a previous face to face acquaintance.

I don't care if there are example of 'internet dating' around.

What does this have to do with the situation under discussion, Mr. Rubbish?

If at any opportunity you can speak to her/him, it is a MUCH better choice to just go to her and ask her/him out.

I believe what I said was that there's nothing wrong with an e-mail per-se, not that it was the preferred method. In fact, it's going to fail either way because of his relatively desperate attitude, not because of doing it by e-mail. On the other hand I am positive a well worded e-mail to a former acquaintance CAN get someone a date.

Don't refer to my posts as "rubbish".

 

[Moonbear]

We're talking about a situation where they already have a previous face to face acquaintance.

But it's on a professional level, she teaches him, he asks her questions about the class. Absolutely nothing in what he describes gives any reason to think any amount of confidence on his part is going to make a difference when she has not given any indication this is a mutual interest. As Russ already pointed out, it's not that asking via email is necessarily bad, it's the lack of any common interest other than that of student and teacher, which is NOT a basis for a relationship. If he had said that when he sees her about class stuff, they end up talking for hours about other things too, then I'd say, maybe, as long as he's no longer her student. But if there is no indication of any other interest other than his perception that she was looking his direction sometime during class (she's supposed to be paying attention to her students, so that means nothing), then it really doesn't matter how he asks, it's a bad idea to ask at all, and especially creepy via email.

 

[Bladibla]

Rubbish??! Rubbish??!

Straw man, Mr. Rubbish. We're talking about a situation where they already have a previous face to face acquaintance.

What does this have to do with the situation under discussion, Mr. Rubbish?

I believe what I said was that there's nothing wrong with an e-mail per-se, not that it was the preferred method. In fact, it's going to fail either way because of his relatively desperate attitude, not because of doing it by e-mail. On the other hand I am positive a well worded e-mail to a former acquaintance CAN get someone a date.

Don't refer to my posts as "rubbish".

Straw man, Mr. Rubbish. We're talking about a situation where they already have a previous face to face acquaintance.

Exactly. So it would be even weirder if he asked her out with Email given that he HAS SEEN HER FACE.

What does this have to do with the situation under discussion, Mr. Rubbish?

Previous replies have mentioned about internet dating being successful. And frankley, I'm getting tired of the number of 'romantic' posts via the internet going around in general discussion.

I believe what I said was that there's nothing wrong with an e-mail per-se, not that it was the preferred method. In fact, it's going to fail either way because of his relatively desperate attitude, not because of doing it by e-mail. On the other hand I am positive a well worded e-mail to a former acquaintance CAN get someone a date.

Stop being ambiguous. You claim that he won't get a date because of relatively desperate attitude, but will get it if he writes a good positive letter? Where does the knowing each other come in? Where does actually acoustically TALKING to each other come in? For heavens sake.

 

[zoobyshoe]

But it's on a professional level, she teaches him, he asks her questions about the class. Absolutely nothing in what he describes gives any reason to think any amount of confidence on his part is going to make a difference when she has not given any indication this is a mutual interest. As Russ already pointed out, it's not that asking via email is necessarily bad, it's the lack of any common interest other than that of student and teacher, which is NOT a basis for a relationship. If he had said that when he sees her about class stuff, they end up talking for hours about other things too, then I'd say, maybe, as long as he's no longer her student. But if there is no indication of any other interest other than his perception that she was looking his direction sometime during class (she's supposed to be paying attention to her students, so that means nothing), then it really doesn't matter how he asks, it's a bad idea to ask at all, and especially creepy via email.

I wish people would read what I write:

I'd completely forget about her if I were you, unless you have some burst of confidence that impells you to ask her out without really caring if she accepts or not.

__________________

 

[zoobyshoe]

Exactly. So it would be even weirder if he asked her out with Email given that he HAS SEEN HER FACE.

I think your attitude is just plain strange. If I received an invitation to dinner or whatever from a former acquaintaince I wouldn't care if it were by e-mail, letter, phone, or in person. If I wanted to accept I'd be happy with any method of communication, and if I didn't want to accept they'd all be uncomfortable.

Previous replies have mentioned about internet dating being successful.

But this has nothing to do with what I posted.

And frankley, I'm getting tired of the number of 'romantic' posts via the internet going around in general discussion.

I don't particularly care what you happen to be tired of. It has nothing to do with the point I was making.

Stop being ambiguous. You claim that he won't get a date because of relatively desperate attitude, but will get it if he writes a good positive letter?

I haven't said anything ambiguous. I said there's not anything wrong with an e-mail per se: he has a bigger problem. Your point seems to be that an e-mail is categorically wrong here. My unambiguous response: that's not true. I also didn't say he "will get it' by writing a good e-mail. I'm saying he could because there's nothing categorically wrong with an e-mail. You understand? Nothing categorically wrong with it.

Where does the knowing each other come in? Where does actually acoustically TALKING to each other come in? For heavens sake.

That would be on the DATE, don't you think?

 

[russ_watters]

Ditto . I've done it too and what happened next is pretty much exactly what Moonbear would do.. dept head involvement.. dept of student affairs, the works.

*BURP*

I'm just a bad mofo and it rolled right off of me, though

Uh, she wasn't a prof - just my boss's daughter. (that and a few eharmony dates).

 

[Bladibla]

I think your attitude is just plain strange. If I received an invitation to dinner or whatever from a former acquaintaince I wouldn't care if it were by e-mail, letter, phone, or in person. If I wanted to accept I'd be happy with any method of communication, and if I didn't want to accept they'd all be uncomfortable.

But this has nothing to do with what I posted.

I don't particularly care what you happen to be tired of. It has nothing to do with the point I was making.

I haven't said anything ambiguous. I said there's not anything wrong with an e-mail per se: he has a bigger problem. Your point seems to be that an e-mail is categorically wrong here. My unambiguous response: that's not true. I also didn't say he "will get it' by writing a good e-mail. I'm saying he could because there's nothing categorically wrong with an e-mail. You understand? Nothing categorically wrong with it.

That would be on the DATE, don't you think?

I think your attitude is just plain strange. If I received an invitation to dinner or whatever from a former acquaintaince I wouldn't care if it were by e-mail, letter, phone, or in person. If I wanted to accept I'd be happy with any method of communication, and if I didn't want to accept they'd all be uncomfortable

But we aren't talking about a normal invitation are we now? We are talking about the OP wanting to have a date with the woman. If a Email just came straight out of nowhere for a date, it would be just plain weird.

But this has nothing to do with what I posted

What?!? YOU ASKED:

What does this have to do with the situation under discussion, Mr. Rubbish?

And I replied that there have been mentions of Internet dating that has, apprently, been successful to an extent for some people. It has EVERYTHING to do with the situation under discussion. What am I arguing for? That even though the chances are there MIGHT be successful internet dating which YOU also previously said:

[QUOTE]..On the other hand I am positive a well worded e-mail to a former acquaintance CAN get someone a date... [/QUOTE]

I haven't said anything ambiguous. I said there's not anything wrong with an e-mail per se: he has a bigger problem. Your point seems to be that an e-mail is categorically wrong here. My unambiguous response: that's not true. I also didn't say he "will get it' by writing a good e-mail. I'm saying he could because there's nothing categorically wrong with an e-mail. You understand? Nothing categorically wrong with it

Catagorically there are plenty of things wrong with Email. First of all, it's not the most emotional way of showing your affection towards someone else (no in fact, its the least) and people replying to this thread have stated that Email is not a good way of asking out someone.

That would be on the DATE, don't you think?

Given that we are advising on how to GET a date with EMAIL, no I don't think so.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I e-mailed a co-worker once to open up social interaction with her but that was only after she had been rather flirty with me to begin with.

I have to go with everyone else that the situation seems too odd to be apropriate. If a student at my work were to e-mail me with amorous intentions I would likely report it to my superiors to cover my butt.
I once was flirting heavily with a young lady at a bar only to find out that she was a student where I work. I was quite affraid that she might report me after finding out who I was. They have rather strict rules about such things here.

 

[cronxeh]

TO ALL THE GUYS OUT THERE.

a fair warning.. there is a good chance that the higher the degree of the potential infatuation of yours the more likely that the ***** will ruin your life for a few years if you moved on her via an e-mail, especially if its the one issued by your .edu

This post may not be edited!

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Catagorically there are plenty of things wrong with Email. First of all, it's not the most emotional way of showing your affection towards someone else (no in fact, its the least) and people replying to this thread have stated that Email is not a good way of asking out someone.

I have actually successfully asked ladies out on dates through the internet that I barely knew and had never seen nor spoken to in person. Not to say that one would likely find very good relationships that way but I don't see it as being much worse than asking someone at a bar for their number.

 

[Moonbear]

TO ALL THE GUYS OUT THERE.

a fair warning.. there is a good chance that the higher the degree of the potential infatuation of yours the more likely that the ***** will ruin your life for a few years if you moved on her via an e-mail, especially if its the one issued by your .edu

This post may not be edited!

That's not very accurate. Any faculty or instructor receiving an amorous email, or other advance, from a student would report it, just like SA mentioned, to cover our own butt. Generally, it's the sort of thing that if I received it and ignored it or turned it down, my Dept Chair and I would laugh about and chalk it up to youthful misadventures on the part of the student. It's only if they kept pursuing it that it becomes an issue. The reason for reporting it is that not every one who makes such an advance is firing on all 4 cylinders. In the specific examples I know of, it has been a male professor whose female student made advances, and when she was turned down with an explanation of the inappropriateness of it, filed sexual harrassment charges against the faculty member. Because there was a record of all her obsessed emails, the faculty member's reputation was cleared and it did not affect his career, but it had the potential to be disastrous had he not kept copies and been keeping someone else copied on every communication he had with this student from the time of the first email.

 

[Cyrus]

My friend told me one teacher got fired at a University near here for sleeping with the girls in his class and giving them A's. One of them was a playboy playmate. (He teaches chemistry, the irony.) Good times.

 

[zoobyshoe]

But we aren't talking about a normal invitation are we now? We are talking about the OP wanting to have a date with the woman.

Well, if you think the very fact of him wanting to have a date is not normal, then you are a very idiosynchratic person.

If a Email just came straight out of nowhere for a date, it would be just plain weird.

Yes, but that isn't the situation under discussion here.

What?!? YOU ASKED:

Yeah. It was an obvious rhetorical question.

And I replied that there have been mentions of Internet dating that has, apprently, been successful to an extent for some people. It has EVERYTHING to do with the situation under discussion.

It has nothing to do with my post, though. Address your reactions to what other people in this thread have said to them, not me.

Catagorically there are plenty of things wrong with Email. First of all, it's not the most emotional way of showing your affection towards someone else (no in fact, its the least)

An e-mail is as emotional as you make it. There is nothing inherently unemotional about the written word. The fact is, though, I'm not sure "emotional" is a good message to send when asking someone out for the first time.

and people replying to this thread have stated that Email is not a good way of asking out someone.

They are saying that with regard to this specific situation and this specific poster. I agree: he shouldn't send her an e-mail. I don't think he should try to ask her out at all: he's too overwhelmed by her.

Given that we are advising on how to GET a date with EMAIL, no I don't think so.

I am positive that if you, or anyone, gets an e-mail tomorrow from someone who interests you asking for a date you aren't going to turn them down because it was an e-mail.

The OP's problem is not that he was thinking of sending an e-mail, but that his post was full of indications he doesn't think he has a good chance under any circumstances.

 

[Pengwuino]

I bet she's married

 

[cronxeh]

That's not very accurate. Any faculty or instructor receiving an amorous email, or other advance, from a student would report it, just like SA mentioned, to cover our own butt. Generally, it's the sort of thing that if I received it and ignored it or turned it down, my Dept Chair and I would laugh about and chalk it up to youthful misadventures on the part of the student. It's only if they kept pursuing it that it becomes an issue. The reason for reporting it is that not every one who makes such an advance is firing on all 4 cylinders. In the specific examples I know of, it has been a male professor whose female student made advances, and when she was turned down with an explanation of the inappropriateness of it, filed sexual harrassment charges against the faculty member. Because there was a record of all her obsessed emails, the faculty member's reputation was cleared and it did not affect his career, but it had the potential to be disastrous had he not kept copies and been keeping someone else copied on every communication he had with this student from the time of the first email.

Granted, getting involved with a Professor or a TA who will evaluate and grade you is not even remotely a good idea, but if the student have long graduated, and the Professor have long since left the Academia, I don't see the harm in getting in touch and reminiscing about the good old sly staring contests in physical chemistry labs :!)

man that chick was only 11 years older than me :rofl:

 

[Moonbear]

I have actually successfully asked ladies out on dates through the internet that I barely knew and had never seen nor spoken to in person. Not to say that one would likely find very good relationships that way but I don't see it as being much worse than asking someone at a bar for their number.

There's no problem with that method, such as if you're on a dating site or something. The key is that it doesn't come entirely out of the blue, but there has been some mutual interest or communication, or the implicit agreement that people using a dating site want to be contacted for dates. Generally, it's about the same as being set up by a friend on a blind date, where you're going to meet the person for the first time on the date. It would come with a lower chance of success, I'd think, but nothing horrid about it. The situation here isn't just about asking someone out by email (I'd still say it's better via phone or in person when that's an option), but about asking out a TA.

I'll 'fess up that I did go on a date with a former physics TA once (the date itself was a complete disaster, but that's another story...guys, don't discuss the questions and answers on your qualifying exam on a first date!). Similar to this case, it was after I was no longer his student. Different from this case, I had just happened to bump into him in a building where we were both taking classes at the same time and were frequently early and waiting around for the classes prior to ours to let out, and thus struck up conversation of an entirely social nature, and this continued for the better part of a semester before he finally asked me on a date. That's quite different than having no contact other than course-related questions and then suddenly asking for a date.