Caught Staring: A Guide to Etiquette for Opposite Sex Interactions

[qspeechc]

Ok, maybe "ducked my head under the little partitions between the desks" was not the greatest explanation for what happened. After blushing, I looked down at my desk and then leaned forward like I was concentrating. I didn't duck like I was dodging a bullet all fast and what not, it was rather slow actually, well slower than dodging a bullet. The reason I ducked was, well it was mostly reactive, but because I thought she would be glaring at me. I wasn't staring at her intentionally either; I looked up from my work to think, and my thoughts were elsewhere, I just happened to be staring at her, at the bac of my mind thinking how attractive she is. And I'm not a child, I'm 20. Me saying that does make me seem very childish and immature though, but that's just the way I am and I won't apologise for it.
I doubt this explanation will satisfy some people though, lol.

 

[Huckleberry]

What's wrong with her glaring at you? Do you presume her reaction will be negative before you observe it, or are you worried what to do if her reaction is positive? If she is glaring at you then she is thinking about you. Once you make eye contact try smiling and see if she does the same thing. It's that simple.

Some women think shy guys are hot. Shy and defensive just comes off like you're hiding something, hence the creep factor.

 

[tchitt]

Ok, maybe "ducked my head under the little partitions between the desks" was not the greatest explanation for what happened. After blushing, I looked down at my desk and then leaned forward like I was concentrating. I didn't duck like I was dodging a bullet all fast and what not, it was rather slow actually, well slower than dodging a bullet. The reason I ducked was, well it was mostly reactive, but because I thought she would be glaring at me. I wasn't staring at her intentionally either; I looked up from my work to think, and my thoughts were elsewhere, I just happened to be staring at her, at the bac of my mind thinking how attractive she is. And I'm not a child, I'm 20. Me saying that does make me seem very childish and immature though, but that's just the way I am and I won't apologise for it.
I doubt this explanation will satisfy some people though, lol.

Well, maybe (and by maybe, I of course mean obviously) I was assuming the worst. I had envisioned you immediately putting your head down on your desk like you were completely mortified or something.

Either way, I don't think this is something that you need to worry about. All guys occasionally catch themselves looking at girls, even staring. It's just natural because, well, they look awesome. :tongue: I still don't think you should jump to the conclusion that any attractive female will react negatively to attention of this sort because it happens every day and even the cutest girls have their moments of self-consciousness.

I suppose I've gone through the same thing... at some point I just learned how to feign confidence. It's really amazing how far something like that can take you and eventually you'll realize that your fears are a little silly and unfounded. At some point in life, I believe, most everyone ends up "getting the girl" they thought they never could in one way or another and the truth is there's not much that feels better than that.

I ask you now: what is the correct response when caught staring at one of the opposite sex?

The point is... the correct response is to not worry so much about what said member of the opposite sex is thinking and just know that whatever it is it shouldn't really matter to you anyway.

Also, do girls think it is flattering or disgusting when a guy stares at them?

Again, I think most girls find it flattering. I've got plenty of attractive female friends who've told me that it feels good to be noticed and that it doesn't really matter who it is. Yes, some people just think that they're a gift unto this Earth and act accordingly... but you can't let people like this affect you because they're plain wrong. They're not the majority they just send stronger signals with their negativity.

Edit: I also disagree with Dave's assumption that 9 out of 10 girls will say no. It's this type of thinking that's causing the problem in the first place.

 

[DaveC426913]

I wasn't staring at her intentionally either; I looked up from my work to think, and my thoughts were elsewhere, I just happened to be staring at her, at the bac of my mind thinking how attractive she is.

"My gaze is drawn to you like a bee to a flower."

 

[waht]

I went to get a haircut once, when I was about 18. A super hot, close to middle age lady (probably married) gave me a hair cut. We had a nice conversation, but in the end when I went to pay, I stared at her breasts for a few seconds, before I realized she was looking at me gauging my reaction. She smiled back at me so sweetly, and so cordially that I was like "whooaah." I tipped her of course, and then she pulled out her business card, and went over with me when her days are available, if I wanted to come back to get another hair cut.

That was probably freaky, but what else can you do if you a teenager with screwed up hormone levels.

 

[Proton Soup]

enjoy your hormones while you've still got them. or one day your stares will only be followed by regret.

 

[DaveC426913]

I went to get a haircut once, when I was about 18. A super hot, close to middle age lady (probably married) gave me a hair cut. We had a nice conversation, but in the end when I went to pay, I stared at her breasts for a few seconds, before I realized she was looking at me gauging my reaction. She smiled back at me so sweetly, and so cordially that I was like "whooaah." I tipped her of course, and then she pulled out her business card, and went over with me when her days are available, if I wanted to come back to get another hair cut.

That was probably freaky, but what else can you do if you a teenager with screwed up hormone levels.

Well, for starters you can go back the next day and see about that other "hair cut".

 

[Moonbear]

Ok, maybe "ducked my head under the little partitions between the desks" was not the greatest explanation for what happened. After blushing, I looked down at my desk and then leaned forward like I was concentrating. I didn't duck like I was dodging a bullet all fast and what not, it was rather slow actually, well slower than dodging a bullet. The reason I ducked was, well it was mostly reactive, but because I thought she would be glaring at me. I wasn't staring at her intentionally either; I looked up from my work to think, and my thoughts were elsewhere, I just happened to be staring at her, at the bac of my mind thinking how attractive she is. And I'm not a child, I'm 20. Me saying that does make me seem very childish and immature though, but that's just the way I am and I won't apologise for it.
I doubt this explanation will satisfy some people though, lol.

Actually, this explanation does help. It does sound like a much more normal reaction. I had an entirely different impression of what you meant by ducking under the partitions...I really was thinking you literally crouched down to hide.

You didn't really "duck" you just looked down and away. That's not bad...even normal, especially if you were staring without realizing you were staring and then suddenly became aware of your actions. Blushing, well, that's okay too. Blushing is actually a sign of interest. Why do you think women wear blush on their cheeks? It's because red cheeks signal attraction. There's no point worrying about blushing, since you have absolutely no control over that, and most would even think it was cute.

I think most of us thinking something was wrong were simply misunderstanding your description of your reaction, and thinking it was much more dramatic and exaggerated than it really was.

 

[Moonbear]

Edit: I also disagree with Dave's assumption that 9 out of 10 girls will say no. It's this type of thinking that's causing the problem in the first place.

I agree with your disagreement. I always think it's pretty startling when I hear some very attractive actress on a talk show telling the host that she actually really doesn't date, guys don't ask her out. While you think the "hot" girls/women would have their pick of men who are all falling all over them, it seems most guys defeat themselves by assuming as Dave did that they are too popular or pretty to be interested in them, so nobody asks them out.

 

[Office_Shredder]

I've realized it's a game theory thing. We call the two players M and F. M loses if F realizes M is playing the game. F of course is always playing the game, but becomes righteously indignant when forced to play with a second player.

The objective of M is to spend as much time looking at F as possible. The objective of F is to spend as little time looking to see if M is looking at F while still catching M if M is looking. We call a strategy of M "better" if it allows more time on average over the course of a minute spent looking at F without increasing the chances that F catches M (assuming we know the strategy of F).

If we symmetrize the game by giving scores:
M's score is the total time spent looking without getting caught/total time spent looking
F's score is the total time F catches M looking/total time spent on the lookout

We can discuss the possibility of a Nash equilibrium. Of course one does not exist, since F would always change her strategy to be 'look at M while M is looking at me' and M would always change his strategy to be 'look at F while F is not on the lookout'

Unfortunately this scoring model does not take into consideration that F scores the same if she spends the whole time on the lookout while M does not look as if she had spent no time on the lookout. So we modify the scoring to be

M's score = % of time spent looking that F is not on the lookout
F's score = % of time spent on the lookout that M is looking during - M's score

Now the scoring is less symmetric but more in lines with the true motives of each player.

 

[DaveC426913]

I agree with your disagreement. I always think it's pretty startling when I hear some very attractive actress on a talk show telling the host that she actually really doesn't date, guys don't ask her out. While you think the "hot" girls/women would have their pick of men who are all falling all over them, it seems most guys defeat themselves by assuming as Dave did that they are too popular or pretty to be interested in them, so nobody asks them out.

I did not say any of that.

I agree completely that many very attractive women do not get asked out for this very reason.

Which is why I said 9 out of 10. I'll bet that, if you did ask 10 women, you would get rejected 9 times.

 

[Moonbear]

Which is why I said 9 out of 10. I'll bet that, if you did ask 10 women, you would get rejected 9 times.

Okay, sure, because once you've asked out the first one and she's agreed to a date, the other 9 are going to realize you're just a player if you ask them out when they know you've already been dating #1. Actually, if I asked out 10 women, I'd probably get rejected 10 times, unless I stumbled upon a lesbian in the bunch by accident.

 

[DaveC426913]

Okay, sure, because once you've asked out the first one and she's agreed to a date, the other 9 are going to realize you're just a player if you ask them out when they know you've already been dating #1.

If he asks them all in the same bar, then yes. And then he deserves what he gets.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I agree with your disagreement. I always think it's pretty startling when I hear some very attractive actress on a talk show telling the host that she actually really doesn't date, guys don't ask her out. While you think the "hot" girls/women would have their pick of men who are all falling all over them, it seems most guys defeat themselves by assuming as Dave did that they are too popular or pretty to be interested in them, so nobody asks them out.

Crap. The number of attractive women I have been friends with that have no clue when a guy is hitting on them is absolutely astounding. I was out at a bar with one one night and she had at least two different guys that I saw clamoring for her attention and she later complained to me that none of the cute guys in the bar were interested in her.

And then there are the women who have really high standards and do not count it if a guy below those standards tries hitting on them or asking them out. And the women who play coy and pretend to not be interested. ect ect

I do not trust any half way attractive woman who tells me that she can't get a date. Its crap.

 

[Huckleberry]

Crap. The number of attractive women I have been friends with that have no clue when a guy is hitting on them is absolutely astounding. I was out at a bar with one one night and she had at least two different guys that I saw clamoring for her attention and she later complained to me that none of the cute guys in the bar were interested in her.

And then there are the women who have really high standards and do not count it if a guy below those standards tries hitting on them or asking them out. And the women who play coy and pretend to not be interested. ect ect

I do not trust any half way attractive woman who tells me that she can't get a date. Its crap.

How many times has this happened to you? Just hanging out with a woman raises the interest of other women. I'd be surprised if none were trying to find out if you were available.

There's been a few times I was hanging out with a woman and didn't really think anything of it and then I find out that she's been considering it a date the entire time. That's always a bit embarrassing. Are you sure the woman you're hanging out with isn't interested in you? Maybe she wants your attention and is turning down these guys because she is with you.

 

[lisab]

There's been a few times I was hanging out with a woman and didn't really think anything of it and then I find out that she's been considering it a date the entire time. That's always a bit embarrassing. Are you sure the woman you're hanging out with isn't interested in you? Maybe she wants your attention and is turning down these guys because she is with you.

Ah, great observation, Huck! That's a definite possibility.

But that raises that difficult question, is it safe to venture out of the Friend Zone? We had a thread on that recently.

 

[rootX]

50th post discussing about being caught staring at a beautiful lady.

edit: I got distracted by other things .. and it turned out to be the 52nd...

 

[DaveC426913]

Are you sure the woman you're hanging out with isn't interested in you? Maybe she wants your attention and is turning down these guys because she is with you.

I hadn't thought of it but, now that Huck points it out...

This:

she later complained to me that none of the cute guys in the bar were interested in her.

could very well be her attempt to not beat you over your thick, dense head with a bat.

 

[Moonbear]

Crap. The number of attractive women I have been friends with that have no clue when a guy is hitting on them is absolutely astounding. I was out at a bar with one one night and she had at least two different guys that I saw clamoring for her attention and she later complained to me that none of the cute guys in the bar were interested in her.

Well, I think both sexes are guilty of being oblivious to the attentions of the opposite sex, so I do agree on this. That's of course a different situation than shooting down guys who actually just ask them out instead of hoping they'll notice they're noticing them.

And then there are the women who have really high standards and do not count it if a guy below those standards tries hitting on them or asking them out. And the women who play coy and pretend to not be interested. ect ect

I don't think that's 9 out of 10 though. I don't even think that's 1 out of 10. But, yeah, of course there are those with overly high standards. Again, something both sexes are guilty of.

I do not trust any half way attractive woman who tells me that she can't get a date. Its crap.

If she's waiting for the guy to ask, and not picking up on the hints, it's not that surprising. As much as I don't think women should sit around waiting for men to do the asking, a lot of them still do. So, a guy can be flirting outrageously, but if he doesn't flat out ask her out, she may just assume the flirting doesn't mean anything. And, really, if all the guys flirt with her, she may not even realize it's flirting since it may seem like just plain normal playful behavior.

I'm not saying you're going to get a girlfriend or relationship out of the deal, but I think most of the time, if a guy asks a woman out on a date, he will at least get one date out of it.

 

[Moonbear]

I hadn't thought of it but, now that Huck points it out...

This:
could very well be her attempt to not beat you over your thick, dense head with a bat.

:rofl: Put that way, yeah, that sure does sound like a good possibility.

 

[Huckleberry]

Ah, great observation, Huck! That's a definite possibility.

But that raises that difficult question, is it safe to venture out of the Friend Zone? We had a thread on that recently.

My answer is simple. If there is a mutual attraction then go for it in full swing. If not then either ignore it or have a talk about it. Don't play it cool.

The FZ is only bad if you're the one feeling the attraction and can't let it go. I'm horrible at relationships and don't care much for them so that hasn't been a problem for me since high school. From my experience women are cool with the friend zone. I think it's guys that are usually retentive about it.

edit- this is assuming that the relationship isn't based on lies in the first place. If she is led to believe one thing and discovers the truth to be another then she will ofcourse be very hurt. What really confuses me is that she'll often keep trying to make it real. I guess this shouldn't surprise me considering how many guys doggedly pursue women who obviously aren't interested in them. I've been guilty of that more than once.

 

[protonchain]

I think it's ok to stare, and then smile or nod and go on with your day.

I guess.

I've tried it and I get the feeling with some girls that they're like "eew gross who is that ugly freak", which just turns me off anyways. If you're going to base me entirely by my external appearance you can bleep the bleeping bleep.

Then there are the really cute chicks that smile back at you and I find them even prettier because I feel like they have a heart and soul. Which is what I'm after anyways.Brb paying sexual harassment suits for staring at beautiful selfish women for 0.5 ms.

 

[DaveC426913]

I do not trust any half way attractive woman who tells me that she can't get a date. Its crap.

This may be a sexist viewpoint, but I'll stand by it:

Women cannot afford to date just anyone. When they say they can't get a date, they mean they can't get one that's acceptable. I'm not talking about standards of attractiveness, I'm talking about safety and security of the situation. While many women are quite capable of handling themselves if need be, the majority would rather crawl across hot coals than to be in a situation where they must handle themselves.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I hadn't thought of it but, now that Huck points it out...

This:
could very well be her attempt to not beat you over your thick, dense head with a bat.

I figured this interpretation of events would come up and considering that she asked me recently why we never hooked up it may be the case.

Just in case any of you ladies out there were wondering, and I find that many seem to have an odd idea of showing a guy they are interested, going to a bar with a guy and immediately wandering off to flirt around and talk with other guys is not a very successful means of showing a guy that you are interested. Complaining afterward that none of those cute guys seemed interested in you is probably a bad idea too. Just so you know. ;-)

Well, I think both sexes are guilty of being oblivious to the attentions of the opposite sex, so I do agree on this. That's of course a different situation than shooting down guys who actually just ask them out instead of hoping they'll notice they're noticing them.

Generally it is nice to have some sort of confirmation from the lady that she is interested. Many seem to like to play aloof and uninterested and think that they are sending out 'come chase me' vibes or something. Similar to the situation I described with my friend I have been in bars where I was talking with a woman and then she suddenly disappeared to go flirt with some other guy. Is that supposed to get me interested? While perhaps many males are of the sort I personally am not a dog in heat that is going to follow you around and posture and growl at other males to get your attention thanks.

I don't think that's 9 out of 10 though. I don't even think that's 1 out of 10. But, yeah, of course there are those with overly high standards. Again, something both sexes are guilty of.

One out of ten saying yes is probably better than my average. Of course I didn't have to ask out most of the women I have dated. I'm trying to think and at the moment I can only remember three women I ever asked out on a date that said yes. The rest of the women I have dated it just sort of happened or they came after me. I found that making friends and going from their tends to work out a lot better that asking random women out on dates and that if you have a friend that you like and nothing is sparking its highly unlikely that she will say yes if you ask her out or that it will go any where if she does say yes.

 

[DaveC426913]

Just in case any of you ladies out there were wondering, and I find that many seem to have an odd idea of showing a guy they are interested, going to a bar with a guy and immediately wandering off to flirt around and talk with other guys is not a very successful means of showing a guy that you are interested.

Women do not want to show guys they are interested. They want the guy to be interested in them independently.

What woman will want a guy that only likes her once he concludes there's some low-hanging fruit to be picked?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Women do not want to show guys they are interested. They want the guy to be interested in them independently.

What woman will want a guy that only likes her once he concludes there's some low-hanging fruit to be picked?

I think a guy going out with a lady to the bar is generally a pretty good sign they are interested. Does it really require that the male give some further sign by being put in a situation where they must chase off other male contenders to get a lady's attention?

 

[Huckleberry]

I figured this interpretation of events would come up and considering that she asked me recently why we never hooked up it may be the case.

Just in case any of you ladies out there were wondering, and I find that many seem to have an odd idea of showing a guy they are interested, going to a bar with a guy and immediately wandering off to flirt around and talk with other guys is not a very successful means of showing a guy that you are interested. Complaining afterward that none of those cute guys seemed interested in you is probably a bad idea too. Just so you know. ;-)

A lot of attractive women are used to getting this kind of attention from men. It confuses them when men don't react that way. That's probably why she was interested in you. There's no guarantee that if you showed any interest that she would remain interested. A need for approval isn't attractive to men or women. The stereotypical attractive woman has her own issues with self-image that most guys don't understand. I find that it's too much effort to keep them off-balance enough to keep their interest. It's not real anyway because the interest is really about themselves. Crossing the friend zone with her would probably end badly. Who knows? It might even benefit her if you don't get caught up in the mess of the game when it comes crashing down all around her.

edit- she's playing it cool. It's another way of saying she's lying about how she feels to manipulate how you feel. Danger!

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

A lot of attractive women are used to getting this kind of attention from men. It confuses them when men don't react that way. That's probably why she was interested in you. There's no guarantee that if you showed any interest that she would remain interested. A need for approval isn't attractive to men or women. The stereotypical attractive woman has her own issues with self-image that most guys don't understand. I find that it's too much effort to keep them off-balance enough to keep their interest. It's not real anyway because the interest is really about themselves. Crossing the friend zone with her would probably end badly. Who knows? It might even benefit her if you don't get caught up in the mess of the game when it comes crashing down all around her.

This is quite an accurate assessment. While I find her very attractive both physically and personality wise I have never been very interested in a relationship with her because I am fairly certain she would just get bored. She has gotten bored with and cheated on most of the guys she has dated that I knew. She is also now divorced for a third time with a kid this time out. While she is a really amazing woman I know I could not deal with her. And is one of the reasons why this sort of cat and mouse behavior in a woman bothers me.

 

[Huckleberry]

This is quite an accurate assessment. While I find her very attractive both physically and personality wise I have never been very interested in a relationship with her because I am fairly certain she would just get bored. She has gotten bored with and cheated on most of the guys she has dated that I knew. She is also now divorced for a third time with a kid this time out. While she is a really amazing woman I know I could not deal with her. And is one of the reasons why this sort of cat and mouse behavior in a woman bothers me.

Infidelity is the reason why a need for approval is unnatractive. They crave the attention. Like any drug, each hit has to be bigger than the next.

You're probably best not getting involved, but I'm sure it would really blow her mind if a guy was into her without being at all possessive. "You want to take some guy from a bar home? Go for it. Want to hook up with my friends? Sure, no problem." Every time she would be unfaithful would increase her interest in the guy she was being unfaithful to. It would drive her nuts. People are messed up. Somehow I don't think you're that type of guy though. Would she get defensive if you brought up the subject of her need for approval? She probably feels very lonely.

 

[DaveC426913]

Infidelity is the reason why a need for approval is unnatractive. They crave the attention. Like any drug, each hit has to be bigger than the next.

You're probably best not getting involved, but I'm sure it would really blow her mind if a guy was into her without being at all possessive. "You want to take some guy from a bar home? Go for it. Want to hook up with my friends? Sure, no problem." Every time she would be unfaithful would increase her interest in the guy she was being unfaithful to. It would drive her nuts. People are messed up. Somehow I don't think you're that type of guy though. Would she get defensive if you brought up the subject of her need for approval? She probably feels very lonely.

Ah. Uh. Sharing? To my eye, this is much more revealing about you than about women.

 

[dE_logics]

I think the opposite sex takes it as obvious...I mean, yeah he's looking at me, so what?...guys do look.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Infidelity is the reason why a need for approval is unnatractive. They crave the attention. Like any drug, each hit has to be bigger than the next.

You're probably best not getting involved, but I'm sure it would really blow her mind if a guy was into her without being at all possessive. "You want to take some guy from a bar home? Go for it. Want to hook up with my friends? Sure, no problem." Every time she would be unfaithful would increase her interest in the guy she was being unfaithful to. It would drive her nuts. People are messed up. Somehow I don't think you're that type of guy though. Would she get defensive if you brought up the subject of her need for approval? She probably feels very lonely.

She is actually dating a friend of ours right now. He's a really nice guy and rather hands off about life in general, though I doubt he would be ok with her sleeping with other guys. And he's sort of exciting in a way. He has been 'on the road' quite a bit. They started their relationship I think when she went to visit him at the ranch in south america he had been living on.
Depending on her mood she may not like it being brought up. The thing with her is that she realizes she has a problem and wants to fix it. I think that having a child to take care of has calmed her down a lot. She seems to be getting along in her relationship with our friend quite well last I checked. I'm hoping to go see them soon since my knew apartment will only be a few blocks from them.

Ah. Uh. Sharing? To my eye, this is much more revealing about you than about women.

Haha, the funny thing is that I have met people who had relationships like this. They obviously don't generally last but seem to work about as well as most. I think Huck is a people watcher with a tendency to dissect, I don't think that his comments say much of anything else about him.

 

[Huckleberry]

Ah. Uh. Sharing? To my eye, this is much more revealing about you than about women.

In the scenario am I the one cheating or the one being cheated on?

I've seen this type of woman before. They make great friends, but terrible lovers. If I were to guess that she smokes and is maybe an alcoholic or drug addict would that also be self-revealing? Maybe because I have some experience with this sort of thing I recognize it in others. Only SA has any idea if I'm calling it as it is.

Yeah, I got my own disgusting Freudian approval issues. I just got tired of being defensive. I think SA's friend is too.

 

[Moonbear]

I think a guy going out with a lady to the bar is generally a pretty good sign they are interested. Does it really require that the male give some further sign by being put in a situation where they must chase off other male contenders to get a lady's attention?

I don't think just going out to a bar together indicates attraction, at least not if there isn't any other communication of attraction to go with it. Though, to me, it's more of just rude behavior to go out someplace with another person...friend, date, casual acquaintance, coworker, whatever...and then leave them alone as you go play bar fly flirting with everyone else in the bar.

 

[BobG]

Just in case any of you ladies out there were wondering, and I find that many seem to have an odd idea of showing a guy they are interested, going to a bar with a guy and immediately wandering off to flirt around and talk with other guys is not a very successful means of showing a guy that you are interested. Complaining afterward that none of those cute guys seemed interested in you is probably a bad idea too. Just so you know. ;-)

Aah, that brings back one of my favorite dating memories from my early 20's. Not only did we happen to go to a bar together, it was towards the end of a definite date.

At least she didn't complain to me afterward, though. I wonder if she complained about me to whoever she found to give her a ride home. I probably should have at least said, "Bye".

Not the most mature response, I guess, but I wasn't very mature in my early 20's. :rofl: