What is the reality of finding a perfect partner?

[honestrosewater]

What is wrong with men?!?

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. :tongue2: That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.

(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

 

[Hurkyl]

There's nothing wrong with being alone. :tongue2: Surely it beats trying to get into a bad relationship just so you're in a relationship?

 

[Pengwuino]

(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

Free will.

 

[russ_watters]

Give up? Besides loneliness? I'm surprised to even hear that question...

 

[honestrosewater]

There's nothing wrong with being alone. :tongue2: Surely it beats trying to get into a bad relationship just so you're in a relationship?

Exactly.

So will you marry me? Or, wait... what was I saying?

 

[honestrosewater]

Give up? Besides loneliness? I'm surprised to even hear that question...

Why? I didn't mean to exclude "nothing" as a possible answer. But surely you expect them to give up some things -- I didn't see any reason to sugarcoat it. Maybe trade would have been a better word?

BTW, I'm just wondering what some people's expectations are. I think I already know for the most part what I would or would not be willing to sacrifice.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Well then what is wrong with women?? :tongue:

 

[Gale]

i'm shallow, i want my husband to be smart and physically attractive... plus i need someone a bit open minded but not a pushover. a good, but unique sense of humor and loves to smile. he has to like cats, and music and appreciate art. confidence is always good, but cocky is very bad. i want someone who's realistic, but with a good imagination. Someone who'll support my crazy ideas, but protect me when i get too wild. i need someone who's solid as a rock on the outside but with a sweet caring center. other than that, anyone'll do.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. :tongue2: That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.
(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

Certainly nothing important. If it's something central to a man's values or something necessary for his happiness, I'd never want him to give that up for me. Only resentment and bitterness could grow from this. I would just conclude that we weren't meant to be partners. Que sera sera, or whatever it was Doris Day said.

The same is true about what I am willing to sacrifice. For instance, I've dated several men who were allergic to cats and dogs, and a life without animals is not something I can imagine. I just have to wish these men well and say goodbye, and hope we can remain friends.

If I had to choose a single life with my animals over a married life without them, I would choose the single life every time. My animals bring too much meaning to my life; I couldn't give that up for anything.

All the little stuff is up for negotiation. It's just not always easy to see what the little stuff is. I think you just have to make out a list and decide what's up for bargaining and what's not.

But HRW, you are too young to even be thinking about settling down anyway.

 

[Pengwuino]

i'm shallow, i want my husband to be smart and physically attractive... plus i need someone a bit open minded but not a pushover. a good, but unique sense of humor and loves to smile. he has to like cats, and music and appreciate art. confidence is always good, but cocky is very bad. i want someone who's realistic, but with a good imagination. Someone who'll support my crazy ideas, but protect me when i get too wild. i need someone who's solid as a rock on the outside but with a sweet caring center. other than that, anyone'll do.

Have fun being single.

 

[honestrosewater]

Well, this is one area of my life that I've probably neglected. I'm just now starting to think about it. Ideally, I think the kind of relationship that I'm talking about is just two autonomous, complete individuals who enjoy spending time with each other and making each other happy -- and I'd like to just leave it at that. But I'm not sure that that actually works in practice; it seems like there are complications... and they would start to expect each other to follow certain rules and such. Meh, I don't know.

Edit: See, for instance, I didn't even mean to say "two people". Monogamy is one of those things that I haven't found a justification for in theory, but in practice, anything else doesn't seem to work.

 

[Greg Bernhardt]

I felt lonely living by myself this past summer... so I got a cat, problem solved. Relationships are overrated. (sour grapes?) If anyone wants to be my backup let's do it. honestrosewater if we aren't married by the time we're 40 (you're 23 and I'm 22). I'll marry you. :tongue2:

 

[Gale]

Have fun being single.

(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

Free will.

yeah, like you should talk!

sides, at least i have apposable thumbs.

 

[Pengwuino]

yeah, like you should talk!
sides, at least i have apposable thumbs.

At least i can swim!

 

[Gale]

At least i can swim!

so can i...? DER

...stupid penguin...

 

[Pengwuino]

so can i...? DER
...stupid penguin...

not for 20 hours straight

 

[Gale]

i'd try, but that's probably all part of your master plan to drown me.

 

[fargoth]

i used to free-up all the time that i could to be with my first love,
i loved being with her, and wanted to spend as much time as i could with her, i expected her to feel the same way... but she wanted more free time with herself or with others.
obviousely we broke-up.

since then i realized the space has to be right for both people, so there's no point in demanding more.
when you give more then you get in a relationship, you should just give less, not expect to get more.
im not saying you should examine every time what he/she did for you lately, that'll end a relationship too, give what feels right for you, never be too dependant.
and i seem to have cured from the need to be with someone lots of time, i don't mind being alone, and i don't mind seeing the one i love once a week, i think id even prefer it right now...
and i have to agree being single is not that bad at all.anyway, regard my words with suspicion, i had only 4 relationships so far, and none of them were for more then 6 months...
im very picky -and- shy, so i have to wait someone would hit on me, and then see if she passes my standards... (smart and funny, and she should think that I am funny too - what?! i am! :tongue2: she can lie about it )
to conclude id say, don't make anyone give up on anything, and you should give up things only if it feels right.

 

[ComputerGeek]

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. :tongue2: That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.
(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

Yo are 23... you have lots of time.

You should not have to abstain from anything that makes you who you are (as long as it is not illegal, and I am no hedonist, so group "activities" are an exception as well).

If he likes to hang out with his friends every friday(for example), then that is what he likes to do and that is who he is, accept it.

falling in love should require no sacrifices to change one person or the other into a more ideal person for the sake of either partner. Requesting such from your partner, or they from you is self-centered and emotionally immature.

 

[ComputerGeek]

i'm shallow, i want my husband to be smart and physically attractive... plus i need someone a bit open minded but not a pushover. a good, but unique sense of humor and loves to smile. he has to like cats, and music and appreciate art. confidence is always good, but cocky is very bad. i want someone who's realistic, but with a good imagination. Someone who'll support my crazy ideas, but protect me when i get too wild. i need someone who's solid as a rock on the outside but with a sweet caring center. other than that, anyone'll do.

Yeah... you can pick those up at at the drug store... it is a doll called the "perfect man"

 

[fargoth]

Yo are 23... you have lots of time.
You should not have to abstain from anything that makes you who you are (as long as it is not illegal, and I am no hedonist, so group "activities" are an exception as well).
If he likes to hang out with his friends every friday(for example), then that is what he likes to do and that is who he is, accept it.
falling in love should require no sacrifices to change one person or the other into a more ideal person for the sake of either partner. Requesting such from your partner, or they from you is self-centered and emotionally immature.

well said, i agree with every word.

 

[ComputerGeek]

Well, this is one area of my life that I've probably neglected. I'm just now starting to think about it. Ideally, I think the kind of relationship that I'm talking about is just two autonomous, complete individuals who enjoy spending time with each other and making each other happy -- and I'd like to just leave it at that. But I'm not sure that that actually works in practice; it seems like there are complications... and they would start to expect each other to follow certain rules and such. Meh, I don't know.

Edit: See, for instance, I didn't even mean to say "two people". Monogamy is one of those things that I haven't found a justification for in theory, but in practice, anything else doesn't seem to work.

Any time that you start to share your life with some one else, you have to start making decisions that have both your interests in mind, any time you have to share that, you have arguments.

 

[ComputerGeek]

well said, i agree with every word.

It seems to be uncharacteristically eloquent as well... I must be well hydrated for my mind to work so smoothly :-)

 

[honestrosewater]

If anyone wants to be my backup let's do it. honestrosewater if we aren't married by the time we're 40 (you're 23 and I'm 22). I'll marry you. :tongue2:

Woot! I'm anyone! So Hurkyl and TSA, you have 17 years to answer.

Okay, so here's why I'm asking. I met my sister's boyfriend yesterday, and they were all cute and stuff. Then I read about rocketboy and Brittany today, and how cute are they? And a friend asked me, just in general, if I was looking for a boyfriend. For some reason, I think I got hung up on trying to make clear that I don't think I need one, i.e., that there are some more important things that I don't think I would be willing to change or give up in order to have that kind of relationship, and I think I ended up just sounding cold.

The worser part is that I would actually consider having that kind of relationship with the person who I was trying to explain this to. So, yeah. I suck. I'll certainly try to straighten out any misunderstanding with them (like that I don't actually have a heart of stone or want to spend the rest of my life alone), but I still would like to get some ideas of what others consider reasonable, what they find works or doesn't work, and so on. I think what's bothering me most is that I don't want to miss an opportunity because I wasn't ready.

And thanks, this is sounding quite reasonable so far. Maybe I'm not such a weirdo after all. On second thought, most of you are pretty weird, so... maybe I'm just not alone.

 

[Pengwuino]

Greg is 22?

Gosh HRW, you should shoot for the real hotties in the 19 year old category ;). I know a certain penguin who might be interested!

 

[honestrosewater]

Greg is 22?

That's what it says on his boxers.

Gosh HRW, you should shoot for the real hotties in the 19 year old category ;). I know a certain penguin who might be interested!

Yeah, it's too bad I'm not allowed within 100 yards of any flightless bird. For such a liberal town, the people at the San Diego Zoo are really uptight. Or is that San Francisco?

 

[Pengwuino]

Yeah, it's too bad I'm not allowed within 100 yards of any flightless bird.

I'm never going to find a girl!

 

[ShawnD]

A lot of people here seem to think they should be able to get a partner that is very different from them. After all, opposites attract, right? Wrong. Look at your friends. Are they like you, or are they completely different? Are they out shopping while you're home playing WoW? Do they go to the clubs while you watch movies all by yourself? Are they listening to rap while you're listening to classical? Are they out on dates while you're working on a rash?
I bet they're very similar to you, and that's the way you like it. Most people love themselves more than anybody else in the world. If you want to test this, go create an account at okcupid.com and see how compatible you are with yourself and others after answering 100 questions; I can assure you that you are your own best match.
Rather than looking for somebody completely different than yourself, look for someone just like you. That way, you and your partner shouldn't need to sacrifice anything in order to be happy.

My dream girl? She's a shy nerd who likes to cuddle. She doesn't care for clubs or bars, and she isn't too into sports. Her idea of fun is spending time with people she likes. She isn't fond of shopping just for the sake of spending money. She's very witty, even though she doesn't talk much. She's smart, or at least she seems smart. She's mindful of politics, but she doesn't talk about politics.
Basically it's the female version of myself. There are a lot of girls, in my league, who fit this description. You just don't know it because they're not memorable people, and you generally can't find them in public places. The internet is just littered with them though

 

[Pengwuino]

Hell yah! What is this crap about wanting to find the yin to your yang or whatever the hell the saying is or whatever the hell it means. The opposite of most girls is Timothy McVeigh and I don't see people drooling over the whole improvised explosives market. People love themselves. They want someone who likes the same things they like, does the same things they do, have the same views on life, etc etc. The peopel who go for this "I want someone who challenges me" or "someone who will show me the world" crap are the ones who end up in divorce court or the ones who embarass their families when they bicker in restaurants.

 

[gravenewworld]

The biggest problem with young guys today is the fact that women have been raising us for TOO long.

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

It'll come as no great surprise that if you look at couples they often share the same interests, likes/dislikes, political/religous outlook and are often physically of the same sort of build with men being slightly taller. The differences between the sexes are what adds spice IMO, if women were exactly like men there'd be no reason for us to ever do anything except what we wanted. Sometimes us men need a conscience other than our own and vice a versa. I am exactly as Gale discribed ?I wouldn't say it though it might sound cocky:tongue2:

 

[Lacy33]

Perhaps there is really nothing wrong with men...they just have not personally figured out what's really RIGHT and BEAUTIFUL about them yet enough to feel comfortable enough to share like a woman...

 

[Astronuc]

As part of a couple, one gives up a certain amount of autonomy, so finding someone who is moving in the same direction is important - that means sharing goals and values. Throw children into the mix, and it is really important.

For me, I needed a woman with whom I could share my mind. Basically, I needed to find my soul-mate - one who would accept me as I am. And I found her and I married her.

Similarities in likes/dislikes can help prevent conflicts, but complementary differences are also helpful and provide for an interesting relationship.

 

[JasonRox]

i used to free-up all the time that i could to be with my first love,
i loved being with her, and wanted to spend as much time as i could with her, i expected her to feel the same way... but she wanted more free time with herself or with others.
obviousely we broke-up.

since then i realized the space has to be right for both people, so there's no point in demanding more.
when you give more then you get in a relationship, you should just give less, not expect to get more.
im not saying you should examine every time what he/she did for you lately, that'll end a relationship too, give what feels right for you, never be too dependant.
and i seem to have cured from the need to be with someone lots of time, i don't mind being alone, and i don't mind seeing the one i love once a week, i think id even prefer it right now...
and i have to agree being single is not that bad at all.


anyway, regard my words with suspicion, i had only 4 relationships so far, and none of them were for more then 6 months...
im very picky -and- shy, so i have to wait someone would hit on me, and then see if she passes my standards... (smart and funny, and she should think that I am funny too - what?! i am! :tongue2: she can lie about it )



to conclude id say, don't make anyone give up on anything, and you should give up things only if it feels right.

You fell in love with a girl in under 6 months!

That's fast.

 

[Lacy33]

Pardon.
Except for the men who have enjoyed positive experiences in sharing and will continue to be encouragement to brothers and sisters alike.
I wonder if I really understand myself how very important this topic is...
Thank you for starting this thread...