Needing Sincere Honesty from the men on Here

[latitude]

I would have to say that in my experience you cannot be friends with the opposite sex without attraction coming into play.

You can have relationships where you put attraction aside or disregard it a bit, like in a workplace environment or at a school. You can have a very good rapport and engaging discussions on course material, pop culture, what have you, even relationships. However in terms of real "intimacy", you cannot replicate the kind of intimacy you look for in a girl-girl relationship with a guy. This is simply because the ideals of intimacy are different for different genders.

For a girl, intimacy is generally emotional; we confess things to each other and allow ourselves to be a little vulnerable (needy, angsty, cynical, pessimistic) in order to be encouraged or consoled or empathasized with by our female friends.

For a boy, intimacy with a girl is generally more physical. Kissing, stroking, looking into each other's eyes, etc. If you try and replicate emotional intimacy with a boy ("friendship" intimacy), it doesn't quite work without the physical component. If you want to be cynical and general about it, I would say that roughly, a girl puts up with physical intimacy to reach emotional intimacy with a guy, whereas a guy puts up with emotional intimacy to reach physical intimacy. Just different priorities.

So no. Although I have a few good male friends (less so as I've gotten older), I would say that the bulk of the guys I know are great acquaintances or "buddies"-- a very superficial, friendly, non-intimate relationship revolving mainly around complaining about coursework or joking about profs or playing tennis. And in all honesty, the close male friends that I've had? I have had some kind of romantic interest in them/they've had some kind of romantic interest in me at least once, just briefly or whatnot but unmistakeably there. And I don't think there's a single guy friend I have that I haven't at least once been attracted to strongly or thought casually about what it would be like to bang them good.


So essentially I do think that your boyfriend has a valid fear, but the issue isn't that his fear has a right to exist, it is how it manifests itself and affects you. He will have to get over it and trust that you will not betray him with one of your male friends. And likely his idea of a betrayal is you doing something physically intimate with him, less so emotional betrayal.

 

[DanP]

So essentially I do think that your boyfriend has a valid fear, but the issue isn't that his fear has a right to exist, it is how it manifests itself and affects you. He will have to get over it and trust that you will not betray him with one of your male friends. And likely his idea of a betrayal is you doing something physically intimate with him, less so emotional betrayal.

Actually, the best advice I can give to a man is to not put up with any **** which bothers him. If you have a gf which is too intimate with other man, you either get yourself intimate with other women, and see how the poor thing reacts and how open is she to an open relationship, either leave her. The sea is full of fish.

It's not about trust. Trust is vastly overrated. There is no need to put yourself up through **** in the name of "trust" and "respect". Even if you trust that a women who is too libertine (from your subjective PoV.) will not cheat on you, if what she does bothers you, you are way better off without her.

 

[latitude]

It's not about trust. Trust is vastly overrated. There is no need to put yourself up through **** in the name of "trust" and "respect". Even if you trust that a women who is too libertine (from your subjective PoV.) will not cheat on you, if what she does bothers you, you are way better off without her.

This is a fair point. The fact is that if both are unwilling to concede their positions (and that's fair enough), then perhaps they should not be together. The OP may need a guy who does not mind or care that she has close male friends, and the OP's boyfriend may need a girl who is more traditional in her circle of friends.

 

[kuahji]

Since I was a kid most of my friends have been guys. I have 3 brothers and no sisters so I was a tomboy in my younger years, and as I got older simply enjoyed the generally laid back demeanor of guys. Women seem too competitive with each other; quick to talk down about their girl "friends" in order to make themselves seem more appealing.

I am deeply in love with a guy who has constant issues with the fact that I have more guy friends than girl friends. Our latest argument has left me feeling completely disgusted with him. I am young, and still learning about relationships and am trying very hard to reach compromises with him so that he can feel comfortable in the relationship without allowing him to control me.

***He states that no man has any interest at all in spending time with a woman, or talking to them unless he is in pursuit of sleeping with her. He says that any guy friends I have are only hanging around in hopes that some day they will be able to **** me. he said he was the same till he "fell in love with me." I've had these friends from 3 to 10 years. To me that's a long time to put up with a "dumb girl that is uninteresting and only good for ****ing" when there has been no sexual nature in the relationship.

I need to know... I am sure that men aren't all so pathetic and shallow to think like that.
I just want to know the truth, I am so disgusted right now; how out of all the guys that actually enjoyed my company and liked me as a person, I quite possibly chose one of the most despicable, disrespectful men on the Earth to have fallen in love with. :(

I'm sorry to hear this. Actually just got out of a relationship where I felt I was kind of in a similar situation as the guy. The girl I dated mostly had guy friends, and went out a lot. For the most part I was cool with that, but not all the time... we kind of noted our limitations, she could go out, just not really go out drinking one on one with a guy or guy back to a guy's house alone. Other than that, well there has to be trust. I mean seriously, from my perspective, if my girlfriend can't go out and have fun without me, something is seriously a wrong. I'd say it sounds like the guy is being controlling, but I'm not really sure of the details, of what causes him to say stuff like that. I mean I'd probably ask questions too about the people my gf was hanging out with... it's only natural, but talking should fix any issues like that, find a compromise that works for the both of you.

 

[wasteofo2]

Are your guy friend confident, with high self-esteem, or are they shy/awkward with low self-esteem?

If they do well with girls on their own, there's no reason to think they're ONLY hanging around hoping to **** you. Of course, if you're attractive to them, why wouldn't they want to **** you?

Guys with poor confidence around women who don't do well with the ladies often orbit around particular girls who are nice to them/they can relate to, and yes, do want to **** them, simply because they are terrible around women and can't imagine any other way to meet/date women than to befriend them first.