To the citizens of the United States of America

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In summary: Cricket will be the new sport. It is a sport which is played with a ball and a bat, and is popular in both North America and England. You should try it.In summary, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has resumed monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. The Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. You should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. British sit-coms such as "Men
  • #1
brewnog
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Apologies if you've seen it before, but I've only just rediscovered this. Please don't hate me, or send me to hell...

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
 
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  • #2
It's been a long time since I've seen, just as funny the second time! :rofl:
 
  • #4
Gokul43201 said:

Gokul you poo, I even searched for it this time! I'll give you 50p a year if you promise to check before every post I make that it's not already been said. 4 badges? I'd expect you to be able to do it without noticing, hero.

(It wasn't from John Cleese though apparently)
 
  • #5
Gokul does have god-like search powers. :tongue:
 
  • #6
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
He'll appoint George W Bush just so reporters will ask him if Bush is Blair's 'poodle'.

Roundabouts would be fun. They had those in Italy. If they have a large enough radius, they're only scary. If they have a small radius, they earn nicknames like the 'The Circle of Death'.
 
  • #7
I haven't seen this before. Thanks for the laughs. :rofl:
 
  • #8
We Zoobies have discussed it and our consenus is: God save the Queen!
 
  • #9
Evo said:
Gokul does have god-like search powers. :tongue:

The name sounds a bit like Google too! :tongue2:
 
  • #10
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
How about a compromise? Americans will learn how to pronounce 'burgh' if Brits learn how to pronounce Sioux City.

There was a young man from Sioux
Who was asked one day if he knioux
That the pubs in Milngavie
On Sundays are dravie.
He replied, "Yes, indeed, Sir, I dioux."


I admit - that's a Trojan Horse. Not even the Bush twins know how to pronounce Sioux City. I just don't want to see Americans struggle to learn the new spelling and pronunciation of Beau Fleuve, New York.
 
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  • #11
I don't laugh at such stuff, it belies something very dark.
 
  • #12
For that matter, I suspect 99.9999% of Americans don't know how to pronounce 'Milngavie' (although one could deduce it from the poem).

Even more amazingly, the poem seems to imply that I pronounce Sioux correctly.
 
  • #13
Severian said:
Even more amazingly, the poem seems to imply that I pronounce Sioux correctly.
That's impossible! It's the French spelling of an American Indian word pronounced in English by an American, most likely of German descent.
 
  • #14
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

World Baseball Classic winner Japan will be amused to learn they are not located outside of North America.
 
  • #15
zoobyshoe said:
We Zoobies have discussed it and our consenus is: God save the Queen!
"I for one welcome our new overlords".


So, really - who killed JFK?
 
  • #16
Yonoz said:
"I for one welcome our new overlords".


So, really - who killed JFK?

If you were British, you'd know the answer is obvious - all of them did it!

http://www.dealeyplazauk.co.uk/times_article.pdf

With a team consisting of bus driver, software engineer, civil servant, nursery assistant, retired policeman, and high school student, how could there be any question?

It is puzzling how many people in Great Britain are fascinated by who killed Kennedy. It's almost as puzzling as Americans' fascination with the death of Princess Diana.
 
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  • #17
We hereby inform Her Majesty that also exempted from the revocation is a small village on an island, named Nieuw Amsterdam, commonly inappropriately indicated as New York. Another Prime Minister of the Kingdom of the Netherlands, Jan Peter Balkenende has declared the transaction of 1664AD void about trading Surinam with Nieuw Amsterdam.

We wish Her Majesty all the best with the revocation of Surinam.
 
  • #18
While we're at it, make the rest of us pronounce Glasgow correctly. (It's not "Glass-cow" dammit!)

We can work on "Sauchiehall Street" and "Menzies" later.
 
  • #19
BobG said:
IIt's almost as puzzling as Americans' fascination with the death of Princess Diana.
What Americans??! :confused:

Oh, you mean these guys!

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=2715696&page=1

A British investigation, due out Thursday, will say that the princess was being spied on by the U.S. Secret Service.

The report by former Metropolitan Police Chief John Stevens will say that U.S. Secret Service agents were bugging Diana's phone the night she died.
 
  • #20
Chi Meson said:
While we're at it, make the rest of us pronounce Glasgow correctly. (It's not "Glass-cow" dammit!)

We can work on "Sauchiehall Street" and "Menzies" later.

This thread seems to have an increasingly Glaswegian theme. Since I am typing this only about 5 minutes walk from Sauchiehall Street and 10 minutes drive from Milngavie, I can bask in the knowledge of my correct pronunciation. :cool:
 
  • #21
Andre said:
We hereby inform Her Majesty that also exempted from the revocation is a small village on an island, named Nieuw Amsterdam, commonly inappropriately indicated as New York. Another Prime Minister of the Kingdom of the Netherlands, Jan Peter Balkenende has declared the transaction of 1664AD void about trading Surinam with Nieuw Amsterdam.

We wish Her Majesty all the best with the revocation of Surinam.

The Lenape have called to inform the Dutch that their selling of hunting rights to Manhattan Island for a handful of beads did not mean they were selling the land itself, which, according to their tradition, can have no owner.
 
  • #22
'Pitts-burra', huh? :rofl:

And comparing baseball to rounders, I have to show my friends that.:biggrin:
 

1. What is "To the citizens of the United States of America"?

"To the citizens of the United States of America" is a phrase commonly used as a salutation or opening in official documents or speeches addressed to the general public in the United States. It is a way of addressing the citizens as a collective group and acknowledging their role and importance in the country.

2. Who wrote "To the citizens of the United States of America"?

The authorship of "To the citizens of the United States of America" varies depending on the specific document or speech in which it is used. It is often written by government officials or leaders, such as the President, to address the citizens of the country.

3. Why is "To the citizens of the United States of America" important?

This phrase is important because it highlights the unity and interconnectedness of the citizens of the United States. It acknowledges that the citizens play a crucial role in the functioning and success of the country and serves as a reminder of their rights and responsibilities as citizens.

4. Is "To the citizens of the United States of America" used in any specific context?

Yes, this phrase is commonly used in official documents and speeches addressing the citizens of the United States. It is also often used in patriotic or nationalistic contexts to evoke a sense of pride and unity among the citizens.

5. How does "To the citizens of the United States of America" relate to scientific research?

While "To the citizens of the United States of America" may not have a direct relation to scientific research, it can be seen as a reminder that scientific advancements and discoveries have a profound impact on the citizens and the country as a whole. It is a call to involve and engage citizens in discussions and decisions regarding scientific research and its implications.

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