Is an Age Gap a Deal Breaker in Dating?

  • Thread starter Adyssa
  • Start date
  • Tags
    Age Gap
In summary, the guy thinks he should try to get to know the girl better and see if she's interested in him.
  • #1
Adyssa
203
3
I'm going to go ahead and put this to the board, figure I might as well. I'm 30 years old, and a pretty quiet person. Friendly, polite, but stand-offish with most people. Anyway, enough with the background.

There's a girl at my work who I think is great. She's gorgeous, a little reserved, and has a lovely manner. I found out she's 21, I thought she was a bit older than that. I work pretty hard and keep to myself and I don't make big attempts to speak to her, although we have conversed here and there.

I'm not about to make any drastic moves, but I can't help wondering if I should pursue this, and the age gap has me kind of awkward. If I think back to my little sister being 21, I think my parents would have freaked if she brought home a 30 year old, but at the same time I think I'm mature enough to realize that people are people, and while I'm no beacon of virtue I'm not a dirty old idiot either. I've hardly spoken to a girl in about 8 years, might as well have been a priest for all the chaste I practise.

So I'll throw it out there, any thoughts?

Funny how I chose this forum to ask, but I enjoy the intelligent discourse. :)
 
Physics news on Phys.org
  • #2
Adyssa said:
I'm going to go ahead and put this to the board, figure I might as well. I'm 30 years old, and a pretty quiet person. Friendly, polite, but stand-offish with most people. Anyway, enough with the background.

There's a girl at my work who I think is great. She's gorgeous, a little reserved, and has a lovely manner. I found out she's 21, I thought she was a bit older than that. I work pretty hard and keep to myself and I don't make big attempts to speak to her, although we have conversed here and there.

I'm not about to make any drastic moves, but I can't help wondering if I should pursue this, and the age gap has me kind of awkward. If I think back to my little sister being 21, I think my parents would have freaked if she brought home a 30 year old, but at the same time I think I'm mature enough to realize that people are people, and while I'm no beacon of virtue I'm not a dirty old idiot either. I've hardly spoken to a girl in about 8 years, might as well have been a priest for all the chaste I practise.

So I'll throw it out there, any thoughts?

Funny how I chose this forum to ask, but I enjoy the intelligent discourse. :)
Just curious, I thought from your name that you're female. Nine years isn't much of an age difference as you get older, but at 21, she might see it differently. Has she shown any interest in you?
 
  • #3
It really depends on her maturity level. If she's mature, then there is no problem being 9 years apart. But if she's still into partying and staying up all night, then the gap may seem a lot larger than 9 years.
 
  • #4
I'm male actually, I choose my forum names from the backs of CDs, just happens to be a song I quite like, although in retrospect, it does sound kinda feminine. Oh well haha.

Re: her showing interest. I think so, yes, but I hold my cards quite close to my chest and haven't been particularly flirtatious. I don't want to give her the wrong idea when I'm not really sure about it. There have been a few situations where I think I would be dumb to say there wasn't a twinkle in her eye, I'm pretty daft but I'm not totally blind. :P I'm a smiling sort in general, especially at work, and she returns them warmly (a lot of people don't).
 
  • #5
I say go for it! Why not give it a try, don't know if she will be receptive if you don't get out there
 
  • #6
:))) so hot! It depends on the girl and whether she likes older guys or if she has a age limit in her mind. Some 21 year olds can be quite mature and don't mind the age gap, but others are still like teenagers mentally.

ok, so my advice is to talk to her. Just casually, don't have to hit on her or flirt. Just get to know what she's like - if she is mature for her age and how you imagine her to be. Then you can decide whether to pursue it further. Check out whether she likes you too or if she's just being friendly generally.
 
  • #7
i married my wife when i was 23, and she was 31. age was never an issue.
 
  • #8
I say go for it! Why not give it a try, don't know if she will be receptive if you don't get out there

At this early stage my hangups are more about the age gap, not so much her possible response. I'm concerned about me as well (!), I'd hate to play it wrong and later realize that I shouldn't have. I appreciate the positive vibe though!

ok, so my advice is to talk to her. Just casually, don't have to hit on her or flirt. Just get to know what she's like - if she is mature for her age and how you imagine her to be. Then you can decide whether to pursue it further. Check out whether she likes you too or if she's just being friendly generally.

That's sound advice. Talking is free. I really have no intention of flirting with her, and I'm not in any great rush.
 
  • #9
Age difference is not something to care about, imo. The thing to bother about is that you know with high probability that the relation won't last.
 
  • #10
Age difference narrows as you both age. If I had married a 21 year old at your age, I'd be ~60 and she'd be 51. Not too much of a problem, especially if she was mature when we married. Don't use age-differential as an excuse not to get to know her. Something good might come of it.
 
  • #11
She certainly seems worth knowing. It's rare that I meet a girl who makes me weak at the knees! I've only spoken to her a handful of times and my impression is that she is somewhat mature. There's a fair bit of crude conversation at my workplace and she doesn't partake in it, and neither do I, which I think is maybe why I noticed her in the first place. That and she has the face and voice of an angel. :)
 
  • #12
Everyone is an individual. To me, the biggest problem here is that you have an issue with it. If it causes you to think of her in a derogatory way, it's probably not a good idea. You should respect people you are interested in. That's my point of view. If you liked her before you knew how old she was, but then once you found out that changed your opinion of her, it seems to me (no offense) to be a lack of maturity on your part.
 
  • #13
Well, normally she wouldn't be as mature as you are. Then again, that's also true for half of the people you meet in the street. So whatever.
 
  • #14
Does she have a Facebook account? If so, check her profile picture. If it is of her in the bathroom with big hair, very little clothes on, and a "duck face", I'd say pass. If not, you should go for it.
 
  • #15
Galteeth said:
Everyone is an individual. To me, the biggest problem here is that you have an issue with it. If it causes you to think of her in a derogatory way, it's probably not a good idea. You should respect people you are interested in. That's my point of view. If you liked her before you knew how old she was, but then once you found out that changed your opinion of her, it seems to me (no offense) to be a lack of maturity on your part.

I appreciate what you are saying here, but I'd like to clarify my position as I think you have assigned me a view that I do not hold.

There's a really good chance that her maturity level is higher than mine, I've grown up slowly. My requirements in that department extend to not taking delight in fart / sex jokes and having interests beyond the latest sitcom. These things are already evaluated. She even likes real music.

The problem I have with the age gap is twofold, first the stigma of "older chasing younger" which worries me, because I have the utmost respect for women and I don't want to act inappropriately. I don't chase tail. I'm not looking at her through lust-filled eyes, and I don't want to be that guy. Second, I'm a boring sod. I went out so much in my twenties that I can't bear it any more. I won't go into it too much, but I was a complete waster. These days, I feel anxious and out of place in pubs and nightclubs. I fear I would just be a burden, a homebody who gets his kicks from programming and reading books.
 
  • #16
Nine years is just to much. You are a complete weirdo. Dating someone so young is immoral and totally unfair to guys that are only 7 or 8 years older then her.
 
  • #17
bp_psy said:
totally unfair to guys that are only 7 or 8 years older then her

By which you mean you of course. :biggrin:
 
  • #18
bp_psy said:
Nine years is just to much. You are a complete weirdo. Dating someone so young is immoral and totally unfair to guys that are only 7 or 8 years older then her.

I think "immoral" is a bit strong :tongue2:.
 
  • #19
I caught a fair bit of sarcasm in that one, bp_psy. :)
 
  • #20
Adyssa said:
I appreciate what you are saying here, but I'd like to clarify my position as I think you have assigned me a view that I do not hold.

There's a really good chance that her maturity level is higher than mine, I've grown up slowly. My requirements in that department extend to not taking delight in fart / sex jokes and having interests beyond the latest sitcom. These things are already evaluated. She even likes real music.

The problem I have with the age gap is twofold, first the stigma of "older chasing younger" which worries me, because I have the utmost respect for women and I don't want to act inappropriately. I don't chase tail. I'm not looking at her through lust-filled eyes, and I don't want to be that guy. Second, I'm a boring sod. I went out so much in my twenties that I can't bear it any more. I won't go into it too much, but I was a complete waster. These days, I feel anxious and out of place in pubs and nightclubs. I fear I would just be a burden, a homebody who gets his kicks from programming and reading books.

I'm not sure who you're trying to convince here - yourself or the people around you.

Honestly, if you're interested in her, she appeals to you on more than just one level then for it. The only thing you'll gain by not trying it is a sense of regret.

The only thing I would caution you on is the fact that dating/seeing a co-worker can turn nasty if the relationship sours. It also makes it a little difficult to find some time to yourself.
 
  • #21
Adyssya .. you got to be kidding me. You say you haven't so much as spoken to a girl in 8 years ? And you are hesitating here ?

You have expressed no dearth of affection and good positive vibes between you and her .. what the *#$@ are you waiting for - another 8 year interlude ?

She is 9 years younger ? She might be immature ? So what ? Well, she's probably 19 year old mature .. but acting a little older .. a little younger .. SO WHAT ? Enjoy it and her.

My wife is 12.5 years younger than me. I met when I was 30 - she was 17.5 .. just finishing school. Was she immature ? Yep ! - SO WHAT ?
25 years and 4 kids later, we're still each others fan club.

How is it that a significant age difference between male / female is considered dirty ? I'm mystified my this pc bs.

Do something great in your life - GO FOR HER ! You may never get another chance !
 
  • #22
alt said:
Adyssya .. you got to be kidding me. You say you haven't so much as spoken to a girl in 8 years ? And you are hesitating here ?

Woah, missed that part. I would say to the OP, is it possible you are sort of looking for excuses subconsciously to not pursue her? Eight years is along time (especially from 22 to 30). Is there more going on here? Do you think maybe you would benefit from some counseling?
 
  • #23
There is more going on. For the sake of brevity, and not to unload too heavy of a thing, I've been (edit: I should say I was :P) an emotional mess for a long time, mostly due to a series of very unfortunate events over the first half of the last decade. I went back to uni 2 years ago, I've dug myself out of a deep hole, and I'm in a pretty good place now. I feel good about myself again. :) I'm not looking for counselling, but maybe that goes some way to explaining why I'm a bit awkward with girls.

I don't have much of a sounding board for these topics, maybe this thread was just to say some things out loud.

I appreciate your fired up post alt, you made a few good points that hit home :)
 
Last edited:
  • #24
Adyssa said:
There is more going on. For the sake of brevity, and not to unload too heavy of a thing, I've been an emotional mess for a long time, mostly due to a series of very unfortunate events over the first half of the last decade. I went back to uni 2 years ago, I've dug myself out of a deep hole, and I'm in a pretty good place now. I feel good about myself again. :) I'm not looking for counselling, but maybe that goes some way to explaining why I'm a bit awkward with girls.

I don't have much of a sounding board for these topics, maybe this thread was just to say some things out loud.

I appreciate your fired up post alt, you made a few good points that hit home :)

Well, in that case, it could be a good thing if she's not very mature :biggrin:.
 
  • #25
lisab said:
Well, in that case, it could be a good thing if she's not very mature :biggrin:.

Why would you think that? Young people don't normally have the patience or experience to deal with complex situations. I would forget about it.

Young people normally hook up with older people because of the stability, not the reverse.

(Anyway, I broke up with a young person because of some problems. I don't think you should do it.)
 
Last edited by a moderator:
  • #26
Personally speaking, 30-21 seems wider age gap than say 40-31 or so on ...
 
  • #27
rootX said:
Personally speaking, 30-21 seems wider age gap than say 40-31 or so on ...

So? 50-41 seems wider than 40-31 too? The age gap is not the criterium, that has already been decided on by society, you can look it up in the laws. And, from my experience, a relation like that is as normal as cake.

(Uhm, I am probably older than you, but I live in a student city and am pretty well aware of what goes on there in the weekends. I've had a female roommate of 22 with an alcoholic friend of 40, a friend of thirty with a girlfriend of 18, a colleague of 35 with a girlfriend of 19, a bar owner who used to date his personnel sometimes, a friend of 16 with a teacher (ok, not good), and probably more if I try to remember better. Not to mention what goes off each weekend when people get drunk, or famous people in the news with similar age gaps. Heck I 'dated' someone of 30 when I was 18, and I lived together with someone of 21 when I was 37. Sorry, but it really is as normal as cake, unless you've been living under a rock.)
 
Last edited by a moderator:
  • #28
MarcoD said:
(Uhm, I am probably older than you, but I live in a student city and am pretty well aware of what goes on there in the weekends. I've had a female roommate of 22 with an alcoholic friend of 40, a friend of thirty with a girlfriend of 18, a colleague of 35 with a girlfriend of 19, a bar owner who used to date his personnel sometimes, a friend of 16 with a teacher (ok, not good), and probably more if I try to remember better. Not to mention what goes off each weekend when people get drunk, or famous people in the news with similar age gaps.

None of that is normal (or good).

I cannot advice any better to OP than making more friends and female-friends as from OP: "I've hardly spoken to a girl in about 8 years"
 
Last edited:
  • #29
Bull. It is completely normal. Do you think people are going to check each other's ages when they meet in a bar and like each other? Of course not, they hook up, and usually nobody cares.

The only thing you can say about it is that it usually doesn't last. I've not really seen it work except for two marriages, and I don't know where my ex-colleague ended up.

Ask some women and you'ld be surprised.

Why do you think the laws are what they are?
 
  • #30
rootX said:
None of that is normal (or good).

I cannot advice any better to OP than making more friends and female-friends as from OP: "I've hardly spoken to a girl in about 8 years"

Maybe I should elaborate on this. I have female friends. I don't see them every week, but they are good friends and we catch up often enough. I have a sister too. I can speak to them on a normal level, although I don't confide in them too much. I have a few close male friends too, really good friends.

I've spoken to girls over those years, but with the exception of a single girl about 6 years ago who I saw for a couple of months before she went overseas, I haven't pursued anyone. Like I said, I'm a quiet person, I don't instigate conversation with random girls (or anyone) easily.
 
  • #31
God man, if you're still messed up, or close to that, I wouldn't do it. If you're still messed up I wouldn't date, period. But the age difference?

I don't know a lot about the US but, uhm, presidents: Clinton and his lover, JFK and his eighteen year old lover. Then Elvis with his 22 year old bride, Demi Moore who married at 18 with someone fifteen years older, Anna Nicole Smith who married out of love? Even the list of stars dating stars twenty years younger is endless.

9 years difference at 21-30? Man, study Bruce Willis' love life for a second and you'll laugh about it.
 
  • #32
Ah I'm ok these days, it took a while to get out, but I got out. I'm probably quieter and more reclusive than your average person but I don't think I'm mental, and I'd like to think that at some point, I should start dating again. :)

The more I think on this, the more I think I'll just take it easy and see how things develop. I don't know her so well anyway, there's time for regular conversation, and there's the work thing too - I'll be there for at least most of this year until I graduate, and if it did turn sour that would be annoying.
 
  • #33
Try. If you fit each other, age gap doesn't matter. If you don't fit, you can be born a day apart (I hope Marzena is not reading :biggrin:) and it won't work.
 
  • #34
Marzena is a cradle-robber! I don't know how you managed that age-gap!
 
  • #35
MarcoD said:
So? 50-41 seems wider than 40-31 too? The age gap is not the criterium, that has already been decided on by society, you can look it up in the laws. And, from my experience, a relation like that is as normal as cake.

(Uhm, I am probably older than you, but I live in a student city and am pretty well aware of what goes on there in the weekends. I've had a female roommate of 22 with an alcoholic friend of 40, a friend of thirty with a girlfriend of 18, a colleague of 35 with a girlfriend of 19, a bar owner who used to date his personnel sometimes, a friend of 16 with a teacher (ok, not good), and probably more if I try to remember better. Not to mention what goes off each weekend when people get drunk, or famous people in the news with similar age gaps. Heck I 'dated' someone of 30 when I was 18, and I lived together with someone of 21 when I was 37. Sorry, but it really is as normal as cake, unless you've been living under a rock.)

Not sure what you're concluding here .. that age differences are linked to promiscuity ? If so, I disagree.

Or are you saying that people can be promiscuous ?
 
<h2>1. Is a significant age gap a deal breaker in a relationship?</h2><p>No, an age gap does not necessarily have to be a deal breaker in a relationship. Many successful and happy couples have significant age differences and are able to make their relationship work.</p><h2>2. What is considered a significant age gap in dating?</h2><p>A significant age gap is typically defined as a difference of 10 years or more between partners. However, this can vary depending on the individuals involved and their personal preferences.</p><h2>3. Are there any challenges that come with dating someone significantly older or younger?</h2><p>Yes, there can be challenges in a relationship with a significant age gap. These may include differences in life experiences, expectations, and goals. It is important for both partners to communicate openly and address any potential issues that may arise.</p><h2>4. Can an age gap affect the success of a relationship?</h2><p>An age gap does not necessarily determine the success of a relationship. The success of a relationship depends on many factors such as communication, trust, and compatibility. An age gap may present some challenges, but it does not have to be a determining factor in the success of a relationship.</p><h2>5. How can couples with a significant age gap make their relationship work?</h2><p>Couples with a significant age gap can make their relationship work by communicating openly and honestly, respecting each other's differences, and finding common ground. It is also important to have a strong foundation of trust and understanding in the relationship.</p>

1. Is a significant age gap a deal breaker in a relationship?

No, an age gap does not necessarily have to be a deal breaker in a relationship. Many successful and happy couples have significant age differences and are able to make their relationship work.

2. What is considered a significant age gap in dating?

A significant age gap is typically defined as a difference of 10 years or more between partners. However, this can vary depending on the individuals involved and their personal preferences.

3. Are there any challenges that come with dating someone significantly older or younger?

Yes, there can be challenges in a relationship with a significant age gap. These may include differences in life experiences, expectations, and goals. It is important for both partners to communicate openly and address any potential issues that may arise.

4. Can an age gap affect the success of a relationship?

An age gap does not necessarily determine the success of a relationship. The success of a relationship depends on many factors such as communication, trust, and compatibility. An age gap may present some challenges, but it does not have to be a determining factor in the success of a relationship.

5. How can couples with a significant age gap make their relationship work?

Couples with a significant age gap can make their relationship work by communicating openly and honestly, respecting each other's differences, and finding common ground. It is also important to have a strong foundation of trust and understanding in the relationship.

Similar threads

Replies
1
Views
656
  • General Discussion
Replies
10
Views
817
  • General Discussion
Replies
33
Views
2K
  • General Discussion
Replies
24
Views
1K
  • STEM Academic Advising
Replies
22
Views
465
Replies
5
Views
841
Replies
19
Views
1K
  • General Discussion
Replies
11
Views
3K
  • General Discussion
Replies
6
Views
802
  • STEM Academic Advising
Replies
9
Views
1K
Back
Top