Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ben Gilliam]

This gives this sign a completely new perspective:

View attachment 208025

nice one)

 

[fresh_42]

"A shot please!"
"But you are at McDonalds's here!"
"Oh sorry. A McShot please!"

 

[PetSounds]

Q: What's a mathematician's favourite hockey team?

Spoiler

A: The Edmonton Eulers.

 

[fresh_42]

Q: What's a mathematician's favourite hockey team?

Spoiler

A: The Edmonton Eulers.

And a physicist's?

Spoiler

The Calgary Frames

Which says it all.

 

[PetSounds]

And a physicist's?

Spoiler

The Calgary Frames

Which says it all.

And in baseball, the great mathematics-physics showdown is St. Louis Cardinals vs. Houston Astros. Of course, a few will always be inclined toward the Philadelphia Philosophers...

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 207939

And when they're Finnished, they can sail across the Gulf of Bothnia.

 

[jtbell]

A little boy apologizes for his poor performance in the spelling bee:

"I do know how to spell 'banana', but I can never remember when to stop."

 

[davenn]

they can sail across the Gulf of Bothnia.

I really want to get to that part of the world one day. Have been looking at a few tours that cover Denmark, Norway, Sweden and Finland

 

[fresh_42]

"Are you twins?"
"No. Why?"
"'Cause your mom put out the same clothes for you."
"This is a traffic control!"

 

[jtbell]

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburned zebra.

 

[Ibix]

What's black and white and read all over?

A newspaper (well, they were black and white when I was a kid...)

 

[DrGreg]

What did the frog say about yesterday's newspaper?

Spoiler

Reddit

 

[fresh_42]

What did the frog say about yesterday's newspaper?

Spoiler

Reddit

I think, I know this frog. Have been in Reading.

 

[thejosh]

dad: Son, i want you to marry a girl of my choice
son: NO
dad: she's the daughter of Bill Gates
son: Then OK
(dad goes to Bill gates)
dad: i want your daughter to marry my son
Bill Gates: NO
dad: he is the president of the world bank
Bill Gates: then OK
(dad goes to world bank)
dad: I want you to appoint my son as president of this bank
World Bank: NO
dad: He is Bill Gates son-in-law
World Bank: then OK

What can I say, THIS IS BUSINESS!

 

[davenn]

 

[Borg]

Teenage girls - once an hour.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

What can I say, THIS IS BUSINESS!

That's what you call SMART BUSINESS! ... [and smart joke!]

 

[fresh_42]

Have cooked!
... details in a couple of minutes in the evening news.

 

[jtbell]

The first mate of the Pequod approaches Captain Ahab, one day in port.

"Sir, I've gotten us a cat to help control the ship's rat population."

"Excellent idea. What is its name?"

"Call it Ishmeow."

 

[Ibix]

"Call it Ishmeow."

As I recall, David Baddiel (British people in my age bracket will recognise the name - for the rest of the world, he was a strong contender for the most famous comedian in Britain in the 90s/early 2000s) had a cat named Chairman Meow.

 

[fresh_42]

I saved a beer today.
It had been trapped in a bottle.
Now it's fine.

 

[davenn]

I saved a beer today.
It had been trapped in a bottle.
Now it's fine.

 

[davenn]

 

[lavoisier]

"Sure, you do get heckled when you do stand-up comedy. But it's particularly unpleasant when it's personal. Once there was this guy in the audience who hated Italians; I don't know why - he was really pissed off with all Italians. Including me, apparently.

"As soon as I got on stage - I hadn't even begun my act - he stood up, pointing at me, and started shouting 'You're all mafia scum! Damn crooks! You're ruining this country! Go back to Italy! ...' and things like that.

"I tried to calm him down, I explained that I was third-generation, that even my parents had been born and bred here, and my wife was American. That made him even more furious, he said we were invading his country, raping his children...

"I told him not all Italians are from the mafia, and we brought good things, too, good food, pizza... But he just wouldn't stop shouting and insulting, his face was purple all over, his eyes were bulging, he was making a fool of himself and embarrassing me in front of the whole audience...

(long pause, walking slowly around the stage, looking down at his feet)

"So that evening I told my cousin Gino to kill him."

 

[davenn]

so profound hahaha

 

[davenn]

hahahaha cute

 

[davenn]

ohhhh they are getting lamer haha ...

 

[WWGD]

The 7 members of the Faraday family: The Faraweek.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

Why does the space station get its light from the upper left?

 

[davenn]

Why does the space station get its light from the upper left?

hahahaha ... well spotted !

 

[Mark44]

well spotted !

As is a leopard...