Collection of Lame Jokes

[jack action]

That reminds me of something I learned yesterday: what do you call a grilled cheese sandwich in (French -speaking) Quebec?

Grilled cheese.

"Sandwich au fromage fondant" never took off.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-41323915

Talk about globalization:

I have to read an American post, referring to a UK website, to learn that I'm now allowed to say 'grilled cheese', which I didn't even know there was a french version for it! There I was, willy-nilly, talking like I was taught. Silly me!

 

[DrGreg]

That reminds me of something I learned yesterday: what do you call a grilled cheese sandwich in (French -speaking) Quebec?

Grilled cheese.

"Sandwich au fromage fondant" never took off.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-41323915

The French for "encore" is "bis".

(Or "une autre" or "un rappel".)

 

[Stavros Kiri]

"Mummy, can I have some π?"

"Sure χν !"

What is χ ν? What does it mean?

I edited it putting the two greek letters in one word. Need more clues? [Greek letters (like π, χ, ν) are pronounced in different ways around the world. It's not exact but it speaks out a reasonable mommy's response ...]
By the way, did you mean "mommy" or actually "mummy" ?

 

[ISamson]

I edited it putting the two greek letters in one word. Need more clues? [Greek letters (like π, χ, ν) are pronounced in different ways around the world. It's not exact but it speaks out a reasonable mommy's response ...]
By the way, did you mean "mommy" or actually "mummy" ?

I meant mommy, I think i just wrote it in a local way.

 

[fresh_42]

The cheese paradox:

The more cheese, the more holes.
The more holes, the less cheese.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

The cheese paradox:

The more cheese, the more holes.
The more holes, the less cheese.

You posted this before.
Here is a possible reply:

"The more cheese, the more holes.": True, assuming kind of proportional distribution of cheese and holes.

"The more holes, the less cheese.": With more holes, less cheese, only compared to what it would be without the holes ...

Otherwise (3rd): "The more holes, the more cheese" ... because of the "proportional distribution of cheese and holes" ...

 

[jtbell]

By the way, did you mean "mommy" or actually "mummy" ?

I meant mommy, I think i just wrote it in a local way.

This is the cue for lame jokes about King Tut's mummy...

 

[fresh_42]

You posted this before.

Oops! Hard to keep track on meanwhile 204 pages

 

[Mark44]

The Isley Brothers sang a song about all the different types of cheeses: "Some are bries".

Covered by the Isley Brothers, but written by and performed first by Seals and Croft.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
(usually attributed to Groucho Marx, but apparently there is some doubt about this)

 

[ISamson]

What does the chicken say when it crosses the road?

Kokokokoko!

 

[davenn]

indeed !

 

[BillTre]

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
(usually attributed to Groucho Marx, but apparently there is some doubt about this)

I like this Groucho quote:

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."
(I used to work on Drosophila.)

 

[davenn]

What could possibly go wrong?

 

[Shreya Pandey]

Why was the stadium so cold?
Because there were a lot of fans.

One more:
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
The retail store.

 

[256bits]

What does the chicken say when it crosses the road?

Kokokokoko!

What did the chicken say when it got to other side in the shade under the palm tree?
KokokokokoNut

 

[Ibix]

What could possibly go wrong?

View attachment 211881

I think you mean "what could possibly go right"! (Grabs Spiderman costume, looks for EXIF geolocation tags in uploaded image.)

See also: http://dilbert.com/strip/1991-04-09

 

[Ibix]

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
The retail store.

It's right next to the second hand shop.

 

[DrGreg]

It's right next to the second hand shop.

Don't forget a clock's third hand is its second hand.

Spoiler

The first hand is the hour hand.
The second hand is the minute hand.
The third hand is the second hand.

As explained by Dave Allen

 

[256bits]

Don't forget a clock's third hand is its second hand.

Spoiler

The first hand is the hour hand.
The second hand is the minute hand.
The third hand is the second hand.

As explained by Dave Allen

And the minute hand is the hour hand.
And for more complication, the longer hand is the minute hand.

 

[AlexCaledin]

By clicking the link below, you agree to read it

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000BN0Z8I/?tag=pfamazon01-20

(the very English spelling of "Focke Wulf FW 190")

 

[Ibix]

What could possibly go wrong?

View attachment 211881

I think you mean "what could possibly go right"! (Grabs Spiderman costume, looks for EXIF geolocation tags in uploaded image.)

Awwww...
http://www.mirror.co.uk/usvsth3m/calm-down-havent-really-built-5401102

("Awwww" to the extent that the Mirror is a reliable source for a claim that the sky is blue, anyway)

 

[Ibix]

By clicking the link below, you agree to read it

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000BN0Z8I/?tag=pfamazon01-20

The product safety notice?

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

I'm broke! How broke am I? Somebody hacked my bank account and left me $50.

 

[davenn]

haha interesting advertising

 

[davenn]

just no sense of music appreciation

 

[256bits]

At the grand feast, one cannibal was asked how he thought about the recent missionary arrival.
The cannibal response was to throw up his hands.

 

[xblaze]

At the grand feast, one cannibal was asked how he thought about the recent missionary arrival.
The cannibal response was to throw up his hands.

Good one! Bet you don't want to see how his hands looked like after being thrown up.

 

[Ibix]

At the grand feast, one cannibal was asked how he thought about the recent missionary arrival.
The cannibal response was to throw up his hands.

I didn't get that the first time - needed a bit of time to digest it.

 

[Mark44]

What's the difference between a goofy Dutchman and a tulip?

Ans: One is a hollow cylinder and the other is a silly Hollander...

(As told by Prince Albert in the TV series "Victoria")

 

[DrGreg]

What's the difference between a goofy Dutchman and a tulip?

Ans: One is a hollow cylinder and the other is a silly Hollander...

Have you heard the sad news about the Dutch inventor of inflatable shoes? He's popped his clogs.

As told by Tim Vine

Spoiler: I don't get it

"Popped his clogs" is British slang for "died".

 

[Mark44]

Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table...
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's going to tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. Guido's wife Anna answers through the door and asks what he wants.
Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell that miserable SOB to drop dead!" Anna yells.

Pasquale replies, "I'll go tell him."

 

[Eclair_de_XII]

Hey, are you a function for charge on a discharging capacitor? Because you look like a real $q(t)$*. ;)

*$q(t)=q(0)e^{-\frac{1}{RC}t}$