Eden Cronicles, Time to wake up

[Nimbian]

Ok, this is the first "Chapter" of what I writing.
This is also going to be my first time Writing any sort of story for the public, since the forth grade and to be honest I don't even know how long the "Novel" will end up being.

I am dyslexic thou I do not consider it an excuse for poor writing, but an explanation for some obvious mistakes.
I am looking for Comments, and Constructive criticism.

If you spot spelling errors or really bad grammar let me know.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy my story.

 

[Nimbian]

Eden Chronicles, Time to wake up.
Prelude,
Subjectively, August 13th, 2482 ESC, 2:02pm

Six hours since the stasis field was activated, to make matters worse his headache is getting worse and there is no way to turn the field off. He quickly glanced up at the wall of his prison. Pulsing light blinking just quickly enough to hurt his eyes, and cause the headache. Its difficult to make out what kind of room he is in, and it has changed since the last time he looked at least he thinks it has. The layers of gravity fields distort the light too much to make out much details but he is almost sure that he is in some sort of large oval room.
Nimbus was in the process of looking back down at the sculpture of the Earth he had made and included in his prison when he built it, when every thing went black. Then he heard a noise, it took him a few seconds to register that its not him making the noise, but some one or some thing else. He realized then the field was turned off. But some thing was wrong, there should be no reason for deactivating the field in the dark.
He reached out with his mind and immediately withdrew as a cacophony of alien minds almost overwhelmed him. Where is my people he immediately thought they should be here, they have to be here. He reached out again much more tightly controlled this time. It was better, but still almost overwhelming. Then he realized most of the minds weren't strictly speaking alien but human. Humans who's brains operate completely differently then he is used to. Then he felt it one mind, then another, then another, all who we're almost Edenite in “smell” but lacked what he would later describe as the familiar “colour” and/or “texture” of an Edenite. Then he realized that they were underdeveloped, but brimming with potential, the minds of children. Knowing what to look for now he looked for a similar “smell” and found what he believed to be the adults. He couldn't get much from them merely strong emotion, the sort of thing anyone actually in the room with them would notice.
Worried.
Why are they worried? It can't be me no one else is here! Then he remembered the sound he heard. Some one is here he can still hear it, he focused on the world around him, and listens for it. He is still here! Nimbus thinks to himself as he crouches down and opens a panel on the floating platform he is standing on, causing it to lower to the ground just past the still floating sculpture. Reaching out this time with the greatest restraint he's ever needed to preform he “felt” around with his mind, There! He thinks to him self, on the far side of this room. He looks closer at the mind on the far side of the room and it hits him hard, the mind was closer to an Edenite then any he has felt so far, but some thing is wrong, he should have felt it earlier, should have “smelled” it. He starts walking around the gravity generators embedded into the ground to get to the other side. After a moment he realizes why he failed to sense him the first time, who ever is on the other side is actively dampening their mind some how, not a trick many Edenites would be able to do.
Nimbus considers his options has he approaches, he can see the blue glow of an active Edenite holo-terminal and a figure near it seemingly manipulating the controls at random, failing to notice the lock down marker around the boards of the terminal. Acting on impulse Nimbus “pokes” the mind shield to see what kind of reaction he would get, well pokes very softly he is the most powerful telepath Eden eugenics and genetic engineering have ever produced. He is immediately surprised the mind resisted the attack. Then he was shocked, when he heard the figure gasp. He immediately knew three things now, that started to make sense, the figure isn't some sort of Edenite agent or Human assassin. He was a she, young couldn't be more then twelve, likely younger, and more importantly at least to an Edenite, She was terrified; Not of Nimbus either but of some thing else. Its been a while since Nimbus dealt directly with children but a terrified child affects all Edenites in the same way, suddenly Nimbus become fiercely protective, and paternal, in a way that would make female Ursine jealous. Unlike a Ursine how ever this only sharpened Nimbus' mental acuity. Knowing he has to gain the child's trust and quickly he starts projecting calm and safety telepathicly hoping she isn't a developed enough as a telepath to detect what he is doing. Then he approached from the side as to be clearly visible, is white clothing picking up the light from the terminal, making him practically glowing in the dark room.”Hello there” in his friendliest voice. “May I be of assistance?”

 

[Ryan_m_b]

There are a few spelling mistakes but a big issue is the use of tense. This piece switches between past and present tense throughout, sometimes in the same sentence, which makes it difficult to read. I've highlighted below some examples (but not all) of where this needs attention in red.

As for the content I find it intriguing by any chance are you inspired by Peter Hamilton and his telepathic Edenists? A big tip I'd like to give is being careful of exposition as it breaks the flow of the narative. For example the description of how he is the most powerful psychic. Clearly this is information you'd like to get across but boldly stating it seems clunky, when writing things like this it is better to show rather than tell or at least fit it in a part where there is less exposition. Similarly connecting sentances with "and then he" type openings (in this case "then he realized") makes for stilted reading. I suggest rewording these sentances so that they flow better.

Lastly I know that the majority of science fiction starts with a bit of in medias res in that we have descriptions of a world without knowing the context or understanding all the features described but one has to be careful to ensure that the reader still mostly paints the right picture. An example of where you have done this relatively well is the mention of an Ursine, as it is briefly mentioned and in a natural fashion we get a sense of depth to the world. Conversely the start of this piece is hard to understand, the mention of a status field, a blinking light, floating platforms and gravity fields make it very hard to understand exactly what is going on.

That's all for now, hope it helps!

Eden Chronicles, Time to wake up.
Prelude,
Subjectively, August 13th, 2482 ESC, 2:02pm

Six hours since the stasis field was activated, to make matters worse his headache is getting worse and there is no way to turn the field off. He quickly glanced up at the wall of his prison. Pulsing light blinking just quickly enough to hurt his eyes, and cause the headache. Its difficult to make out what kind of room he is in, and it has changed since the last time he looked at least he thinks it has. The layers of gravity fields distort the light too much to make out much details but he is almost sure that he is in some sort of large oval room.
Nimbus was in the process of looking back down at the sculpture of the Earth he had made and included in his prison when he built it, when every thing went black. Then he heard a noise, it took him a few seconds to register that its not him making the noise, but some one or some thing else. He realized then the field was turned off. But some thing was wrong, there should be no reason for deactivating the field in the dark.
He reached out with his mind and immediately withdrew as a cacophony of alien minds almost overwhelmed him. Where is my people he immediately thought they should be here, they have to be here. He reached out again much more tightly controlled this time. It was better, but still almost overwhelming. Then he realized most of the minds weren't strictly speaking alien but human. Humans who's brains operate completely differently then he is used to. Then he felt it one mind, then another, then another, all who we're almost Edenite in “smell” but lacked what he would later describe as the familiar “colour” and/or “texture” of an Edenite. Then he realized that they were underdeveloped, but brimming with potential, the minds of children. Knowing what to look for now he looked for a similar “smell” and found what he believed to be the adults. He couldn't get much from them merely strong emotion, the sort of thing anyone actually in the room with them would notice.
Worried.
Why are they worried? It can't be me no one else is here! Then he remembered the sound he heard. Some one is here he can still hear it, he focused on the world around him, and listens for it. He is still here! Nimbus thinks to himself as he crouches down and opens a panel on the floating platform he is standing on, causing it to lower to the ground just past the still floating sculpture. Reaching out this time with the greatest restraint he's ever needed to preform he “felt” around with his mind, There! He thinks to him self, on the far side of this room. He looks closer at the mind on the far side of the room and it hits him hard, the mind was closer to an Edenite then any he has felt so far, but some thing is wrong, he should have felt it earlier, should have “smelled” it. He starts walking around the gravity generators embedded into the ground to get to the other side. After a moment he realizes why he failed to sense him the first time, who ever is on the other side is actively dampening their mind some how, not a trick many Edenites would be able to do.
Nimbus considers his options has he approaches, he can see the blue glow of an active Edenite holo-terminal and a figure near it seemingly manipulating the controls at random, failing to notice the lock down marker around the boards of the terminal. Acting on impulse Nimbus “pokes” the mind shield to see what kind of reaction he would get, well pokes very softly he is the most powerful telepath Eden eugenics and genetic engineering have ever produced. He is immediately surprised the mind resisted the attack. Then he was shocked, when he heard the figure gasp. He immediately knew three things now, that started to make sense, the figure isn't some sort of Edenite agent or Human assassin. He was a she, young couldn't be more then twelve, likely younger, and more importantly at least to an Edenite, She was terrified; Not of Nimbus either but of some thing else. Its been a while since Nimbus dealt directly with children but a terrified child affects all Edenites in the same way, suddenly Nimbus become fiercely protective, and paternal, in a way that would make female Ursine jealous. Unlike a Ursine how ever this only sharpened Nimbus' mental acuity. Knowing he has to gain the child's trust and quickly he starts projecting calm and safety telepathicly hoping she isn't a developed enough as a telepath to detect what he is doing. Then he approached from the side as to be clearly visible, is white clothing picking up the light from the terminal, making him practically glowing in the dark room.”Hello there” in his friendliest voice. “May I be of assistance?”

 

[Nimbian]

There are a few spelling mistakes but a big issue is the use of tense. This piece switches between past and present tense throughout, sometimes in the same sentence, which makes it difficult to read. I've highlighted below some examples (but not all) of where this needs attention in red.

Wow looks like I have a lot of work then :) I'll do some editing later today

As for the content I find it intriguing by any chance are you inspired by Peter Hamilton and his telepathic Edenists?

Actually yes and no, I'm heavily influenced by his books but my original concept came from before I read his books.

Lastly I know that the majority of science fiction starts with a bit of in medias res in that we have descriptions of a world without knowing the context or understanding all the features described but one has to be careful to ensure that the reader still mostly paints the right picture. An example of where you have done this relatively well is the mention of an Ursine, as it is briefly mentioned and in a natural fashion we get a sense of depth to the world. Conversely the start of this piece is hard to understand, the mention of a status field, a blinking light, floating platforms and gravity fields make it very hard to understand exactly what is going on.

Quite true, but this is merely a short prelude, also this happens at the end of chapter 1, from the perspective of the other main character which is the more human view point, and gives me a huge amount of flexibility to exposition without looking like I am , at least that is the intention.

That's all for now, hope it helps!

Right now so long as your not saying it total bunk and I should never write again (a Comment I would promptly ignore).

Also your comment did help and is helping

Since I can not edit my original post I'll be reposting

 

[Nimbian]

Eden Chronicles, Time to wake up.
Prelude,
Subjectively, August 13th, 2482 ESC, 2:02pm

It had been six hours since the stasis field was activated, and Nimbus' headache was getting worse. There is no way to turn the field off from inside, designed deliberately to make sure he could not back out. He quickly glanced up at the wall of his prison. The walls or what he views as walls were still pulsing with light blinking just quickly and bright enough to hurt his eyes, and cause the headache. From within the field it is difficult to make out what kind of room he is in, and it had changed since the last time he looked at least he thinks it had. The layers of gravity fields necessary to slow time distort the light too much to make out much details but he is almost sure that he is in some sort of large oval room.
Nimbus was in the process of looking back down at the the only feature he could see clearly. A sculpture of Earth. When every thing went black. It took him a few seconds to register that there is a new noise now, and it isn't him that's making the sound. The field is off! He thinks to himself. But some thing was wrong, there should be no reason for deactivating the field in the dark.
He reached out with his mind searching for the one that turned of the stasis field and immediately withdrew as a cacophony of alien minds almost overwhelmed him. Where is my people he immediately thought They should be here! They have to be here. He reached out again much more tightly controlled this time. It was better, but still almost overwhelming. Then he realized most of the minds weren't strictly speaking alien but human. Humans who's brains operate completely differently then he is used to. Then he felt it one mind, then another, then another, all who we're almost Edenite in “smell” but lacked what he would later describe as the familiar “colour” and/or “texture” of an Edenite. With closer inspection he realized that they were underdeveloped, but brimming with potential, the minds of children. Knowing what to look for now he looked for a similar “smell” and found what he believed to be the adults. He couldn't get much from them merely strong emotion, the sort of thing anyone actually in the room with them would notice.
Worried.
Why are they worried? It can't be me no one else is here! Then he remembered the sound he heard. Some one is here and he and can still hear that sound. He focused with his telepathy on the world around him, and sensed for the origin. He is still here! But why? An agent of the council? Or an assassin out to kill him? He asks himself as he crouches down and opens a panel on the floating platform he is standing on, and activates a control causing it to lower to the ground just past the still floating sculpture. Reaching out this time with the greatest restraint he's ever needed to preform he “felt” around with his mind, There! He says to him self, on the far side of this room. He looks closer at the mind on the far side of the room and it hits him hard, the mind was closer to an Edenite then any he has felt so far, but some thing is wrong, he should have sensed it earlier, should have “smelled” it. He starts walking around the spherical gravity generators embedded into the ground in the center of the room to get closer. After a moment he realizes why he failed to sense the person on the far side the first time, who ever is on the other side is actively dampening their mind some how, not a trick many Edenites would be able to do.
Nimbus considered his options as he approaches, he can see the blue glow of an active Edenite holo-terminal now, and a figure near it seemingly manipulating the controls at random. A figure who obviously failed to notice the lock down marker around the boards of the terminal, or perhaps doesn't know what they mean. Acting on impulse Nimbus very carefully “pokes” the mind shield to see what kind of reaction he would get. He is immediately surprised the mind resisted the attack. Then shocked, when he heard the figure gasp. He immediately knew three things now, and a picture of the events was starting to form in his head. The figure wasn't some sort of Edenite agent or Human assassin; He was a she, and young. She couldn't be more then twelve, likely younger; More importantly at least to an Edenite, she is terrified. Not of Nimbus either but of some thing else. Its been a while since Nimbus dealt directly with children but a terrified child affects all Edenites in the same way, suddenly Nimbus become fiercely protective, and paternal, in a way that would make female Ursine jealous. Unlike a Ursine how ever this only sharpened Nimbus' mental acuity. Knowing he has to gain the child's trust and quickly he starts telepathicly projecting calm and safety hoping she isn't a developed enough as a telepath to detect what he is doing. Then he approached from the side as to be clearly visible, his white clothing picking up the light from the terminal, making him practically glowing in the dark room.”Hello there” in his friendliest voice. “May I be of assistance?”

 

[Nimbian]

OK Prelude reposted, there are many small changes I doubt I got all the mistakes corrected, especially without causing more :)

I'll try and have Chapter one done by Friday.

Also thanks who ever Created the New writing prefix

 

[Ryan_m_b]

There are still a lot of tense mistakes, I think I have most of them now.

Eden Chronicles, Time to wake up.
Prelude,
Subjectively, August 13th, 2482 ESC, 2:02pm

It had been six hours since the stasis field was activated, and Nimbus' headache was getting worse. There is no way to turn the field off from inside, designed deliberately to make sure he could not back out. He quickly glanced up at the wall of his prison. The walls or what he views as walls were still pulsing with light blinking just quickly and bright enough to hurt his eyes, and cause the headache. From within the field it is difficult to make out what kind of room he is in, and it had changed since the last time he looked at least he thinks it had. The layers of gravity fields necessary to slow time distort the light too much to make out much details but he is almost sure that he is in some sort of large oval room.
Nimbus was in the process of looking back down at the the only feature he could see clearly. A sculpture of Earth. When every thing went black. It took him a few seconds to register that there is a new noise now, and it isn't him that's making the sound. The field is off! He thinks to himself. But some thing was wrong, there should be no reason for deactivating the field in the dark.
He reached out with his mind searching for the one that turned of the stasis field and immediately withdrew as a cacophony of alien minds almost overwhelmed him. Where is my people he immediately thought They should be here! They have to be here. He reached out again much more tightly controlled this time. It was better, but still almost overwhelming. Then he realized most of the minds weren't strictly speaking alien but human. Humans who's brains operate completely differently then he is used to. Then he felt it one mind, then another, then another, all who we're almost Edenite in “smell” but lacked what he would later describe as the familiar “colour” and/or “texture” of an Edenite. With closer inspection he realized that they were underdeveloped, but brimming with potential, the minds of children. Knowing what to look for now he looked for a similar “smell” and found what he believed to be the adults. He couldn't get much from them merely strong emotion, the sort of thing anyone actually in the room with them would notice.
Worried.
Why are they worried? It can't be me no one else is here! Then he remembered the sound he heard. Some one is here and he and can still hear that sound. He focused with his telepathy on the world around him, and sensed for the origin. He is still here! But why? An agent of the council? Or an assassin out to kill him? He asks himself as he crouches down and opens a panel on the floating platform he is standing on, and activates a control causing it to lower to the ground just past the still floating sculpture. Reaching out this time with the greatest restraint he's ever needed to preform he “felt” around with his mind, There! He says to him self, on the far side of this room. He looks closer at the mind on the far side of the room and it hits him hard, the mind was closer to an Edenite then any he has felt so far, but some thing is wrong, he should have sensed it earlier, should have “smelled” it. He starts walking around the spherical gravity generators embedded into the ground in the center of the room to get closer. After a moment he realizes why he failed to sense the person on the far side the first time, who ever is on the other side is actively dampening their mind some how, not a trick many Edenites would be able to do.
Nimbus considered his options as he approaches, he can see the blue glow of an active Edenite holo-terminal now, and a figure near it seemingly manipulating the controls at random. A figure who obviously failed to notice the lock down marker around the boards of the terminal, or perhaps doesn't know what they mean. Acting on impulse Nimbus very carefully “pokes” the mind shield to see what kind of reaction he would get. He is immediately surprised the mind resisted the attack. Then shocked, when he heard the figure gasp. He immediately knew three things now, and a picture of the events was starting to form in his head. The figure wasn't some sort of Edenite agent or Human assassin; He was a she, and young. She couldn't be more then twelve, likely younger; More importantly at least to an Edenite, she is terrified. Not of Nimbus either but of some thing else. Its been a while since Nimbus dealt directly with children but a terrified child affects all Edenites in the same way, suddenly Nimbus become fiercely protective, and paternal, in a way that would make female Ursine jealous. Unlike a Ursine how ever this only sharpened Nimbus' mental acuity. Knowing he has to gain the child's trust and quickly he starts telepathicly projecting calm and safety hoping she isn't a developed enough as a telepath to detect what he is doing. Then he approached from the side as to be clearly visible, his white clothing picking up the light from the terminal, making him practically glowing in the dark room.”Hello there” in his friendliest voice. “May I be of assistance?”

Other than that whilst the story is intriguing the writing style is quite disjointed. There is a lot of "then he realized" and slips into first person. In addition some sentances are structured in odd ways that read more like a spoken transcript than a written piece with sentances stopping. Before starting again. I suggest you go through carefully and rather than edit the piece try to write it again so that you can see as you are writing the bits that are less like reading and more like speaking.

 

[Borek]

To be honest with you - it reads horribly for the reasons Ryan pointed out. At first I thought it is intended to be some kind of an experimental prose and you are switching between tenses and persons intentionally, but apparently that's not the case.

Still, you managed to catch my attention so far.

 

[Nimbian]

Thanks,
and No its not some kind of experimental Prose. :) although I'll have to try that as excuse some time :) And Ryan your exactly right, in that I am writing more or less as I would tell it.
Again not an excuse but an explanation. I am dyslexic, and I have a long history of having problems expressing my self. Its actualy one of the reasons I'm working on writing this, to learn how to express myself on the page and in person better. Choosing to write a novel, well the more challenging the activity is the more fun I usually have, and the more I learn.

Frankly I'll probably always have problems with tenses while writing this. I'll just keep fixing it as best I can.

In the end I'm slapping a two week limit on revisions else I'll fall into the trap of endless revisions. Trust me the first two chapters have been written about eight times now, and each time I just kept fixing my grammar till I got depressed, frustrated and just stopped writing. :)

So you guys don't need to keep guessing at how I'm trying to write (if that makes sense) I'm trying to write in Third-Person limited subjective

On that note I'll see if a friend of mine (a Lit Major) will come over and help me out on the next set of revisions. He's learning to be less critical :)

 

[Nimbian]

Well here is Mark 3 of the Prelude.

I hope it reads better me and my friend fought for close to two hours over wording, and specific wording of telepathy

Then he rewrote a section that was perfectly fine, Then I rewrote it back to its original meaning, so we are all good! :)

Also Chapter One is progressing well, but might have to wait till next week. :)

 

[Nimbian]

Eden Chronicles, Time to wake up.
Prelude,
August 13th, 2482 ESC, 2:02pm (subjective)

After six hours inside the stasis field, Nimbus' headache began to get worse. There was no way to turn the field off from inside. He had designed it that way to make sure he could not back out at the last minute. Nimbus stopped rubbing his temples and looked up at the walls of his prison. The curtains of force around him were still pulsing with light just quickly and brightly enough to hurt his eyes, and probably the source of the headache. From within the field it is difficult to make out what was happening outside the field and the scenery had changed since the first time he tried to peer past the energy surrounding him. The layers of artificial gravity fields that surrounded him slowed the flow of time and distorted visible light too much to make out hardly any detail but he was increasingly certain he was now inside some sort of large oval room.

Nimbus turned his gaze to the only feature he could see clearly. A sculpture of planet Earth. Suddenly, every thing went black. After a few seconds he distinctly heard a noise. He shouldn't have been able to hear anything except his own breathing and a slight hum. The field is off! Nimbus realized. Some thing was wrong, there should be no reason for the room to be completely dark when the field was deactivated.

Nimbus reached out with his mind, searching for the one that turned of the stasis field and immediately withdrew as a cacophony of alien minds almost overwhelmed him. Where are my people... he immediately thought ...They should be here! They have to be here. He reached out with his mind again, this time much more tightly controlled. It was better, but still almost overwhelming. Then he realized most of the minds weren't strictly speaking “alien” but human. The minds before him were humans minds but their brains operated very differently from what he was used to. He began to examining one mind, then another, then another, then another, until he ran into a familiar “scent”. In one area most of the people “smelled” like an Edenite but lacked the corresponding “colour” or “texture”. Upon closer inspection he realized that many of those minds were underdeveloped, but brimming with potential, the minds of children. Now that he knew what he was looking for, he looked for a similar “scent” and found what he believed to be the adults. Even with closer examination he couldn't get much from them apart from the sort of strong emotion anyone actually in the room with them would notice.

Extreme worry.

Why are they worried? It can't be me - they're kilometres away! Then Nimbus remembered the sound he heard when the field shut down. Something alive had made that sound and was probably still nearby. He focused with his telepathy on the world around him, and sensed for the origin. He is still here! But why? An agent of the council? Or an assassin out to kill me? Nimbus asked himself as he crouched down and opened a panel on the floating platform he was standing on. He tapped some instructions into the concealed touchscreen and the platform lowered gently to the ground. The Sculpture of Earth, however, remained floating. He reached out with his mind one more time with the considerable restraint and gingerly “felt” around for the source of the noise. There! On the far side of this room. Using his telepathy, he “looked” more closely at the mind on the far side of the room and realized that this mind was closer to an Edenite then any he had felt so far. Something was wrong though and he should have sensed it earlier, should have “smelled” it from the beginning. As he was moving around the spherical gravity generators embedded into the center of the room it became clear to him why he failed to sense a person in the same room as himself despite being able to sense minds kilometers away. The mind on the other side of the generators was dampening its output. Which was something that most Edenites would never willingly do.

Nimbus considered his options as he rounded the gravity generators. As he came around them he could see the blue glow of an active Edenite holo-terminal, complete with user. The figure at the controls seemed to be manipulating the controls at random. This figure did not seem to notice the “lock down marker” around the outer border of the terminal, or perhaps just didn't know what the marker meant. Overwhelmed with curiosity, Nimbus very carefully “poked” the mind shield to see what kind of reaction he would get. At first, it appeared as if nothing happens. The shield didn't react to his metal tap at all, the figure did. It reacted in a way that shocked Nimbus.

It started to cry.

Then it hit him, the figure wasn't some sort of Edenite agent or Human assassin; He was a she, and young. She couldn't be more then twelve, likely younger; More importantly, she was terrified. Not of Nimbus, but of some thing else. It had been months since Nimbus could remember dealing directly with children but a terrified child affects all Edenites in the same way: suddenly Nimbus became fiercely protective and paternal in a way that would make female members of even an Ursine species deeply jealous. Unlike a Ursine how ever this instinctive parental drive only sharpened Nimbus' mental acuity rather than sent him into a violent frenzy. Seeking to gain the child's trust and end the cause of her problems, Nimbus immediately began telepathically projecting feelings of calm and safety in the hope she wasn't a developed enough as a telepath to detect where those feelings were coming from. Next he made sure to approach the girl from an angle that made him clearly visible. His white clothing picked up the light from the terminal and made him practically glow in the dark room. “Hello there” he said in a warm, friendly voice. “May I be of assistance?”

 

[Thetom]

Hi :) PF is a great place to get advice for the scientific considerations within your story. But if you desire advice on writing science fiction in general... may i recommend the 'Aspiring Writers' section of these forums: http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/
Lots of people will be willing to read through and critique your work.

However, take note that you will be required to have a post count of 30+ to be critiqued. This is to stop people from 'taking' advice without giving any. You are encouraged to provide feedback on other peoples work. The best way to get your post count up to 30 is to go and tell other people what you think of their writing (constructively ;). This way, you can be sure the input is reciprocal. :)

 

[Evo]

Hi :) PF is a great place to get advice for the scientific considerations within your story. But if you desire advice on writing science fiction in general... may i recommend the 'Aspiring Writers' section of these forums: http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/
Lots of people will be willing to read through and critique your work.

However, take note that you will be required to have a post count of 30+ to be critiqued. This is to stop people from 'taking' advice without giving any. You are encouraged to provide feedback on other peoples work. The best way to get your post count up to 30 is to go and tell other people what you think of their writing (constructively ;). This way, you can be sure the input is reciprocal. :)

Sounds like people patting each other on the back.

 

[Thetom]

Sounds like people patting each other on the back.

Which bit sounded like back patting to you Evo? Crits are a common way to develop skill within the arts.

http://www.artistsnetwork.com/artists-network-critiques

 

[Evo]

Which bit sounded like back patting to you Evo? Crits are a common way to develop skill within the arts.

http://www.artistsnetwork.com/artists-network-critiques

I just find it rather odd that someone should be required to post a bunch of potentionally worthless "critiques" in order to get feedback. It's a problem I find with websites that have no criteria for judging the merits of a person's posts. One valuable opinion is better than a hundred "had to post something just to get my post count up" posts.

I'm not saying that some people don't have valuable opinions, it's just that forcing a certain "number" of posts is only going to increase the noise to signal ratio.

 

[Thetom]

Ok i understand. There definitely can be a culture of back patting in some arenas. This is not the case with above site. It's not simply 'well done Bill!', 'nice one Bob!'. Which is indeed worthless (apart from perhaps self esteem). I would call that more 'show and tell'.

...This is to stop people from 'taking' advice without giving any. You are encouraged to provide feedback on other peoples work. The best way to get your post count up to 30 is to go and tell other people what you think of their writing (constructively ;). This way, you can be sure the input is reciprocal...

Note that this was my reasoning for their 30 post rule. Having just read their guidelines, they actually give a different reason...

1) Members are not allowed to start a new thread in the Critiques sub-forum until they have reached a post count of 30... ...While we do welcome your stories, we believe that the experience of your first critique will be a more productive and enjoyable one if you first acclimatise yourself to the forums and grow acquainted with the people here by visiting a few other threads and participating. Please note that members who have not reached the threshold and attempt to circumvent the rules by posting excerpts in existing threads will find their posts removed and will face disciplinary action.

My apologies if the rules sound heavy - but in order to preserve the quality of feedback in this section we ask that it be available for regular chronicles members, rather than one post opportunists.

And the feedback given really is quality IMO. Both on technical writing issues as well as advice on character development, world building, tempo, feel, etc, etc.
They don't require or ask the 30 qualifying posts to be crits of others work. They do point out however that while we may not all be accomplished story tellers, we are all good story consumers. And any kind of constructive input can be useful to the writer...

1) If you don’t know any of the technical terms yet, or what kind of problems you are supposed to be looking for, simply give your perspective as a reader (this is the ultimate point anyway -- writing something that readers will react to in the way that was intended).

Say what you enjoyed, what confused you, what made you laugh, what made you sad, which character you loved, which character you hated. Any of these provide valuable information, particularly the funny/sad/loved/hated part, because those may or may not be the reactions the writer was looking for, and you are helping him or her to decide whether something is working in the way it’s supposed to.

So i stress there is no requirement to crit other peoples work.
I think the 30 post count is to weed out people who aren't really contributing as they have had allot of people signing up, posting huge lengths of text, expecting it to be proof read, and then running. Creating allot of work for the regulars, to the detriment of their own pursuits. I see this as a similar problem PF has with posting of personal theories/conspiracies. The site moderators have deemed it necessary to control some of what is posted. And that i respect.

In short, yes there can be a danger of 'patting each others backs'. No i don't think that is the culture at Chronicles. Any readers opinion can be useful to the writer (quality of input helps for sure). And I think the moderators are justified in exacting that 30 post requirement.

 

[Evo]

Ah, much different, they want people that have a true interest in meaningful participation.

 

[Thetom]

Ah, much different, they want people that have a true interest in meaningful participation.

Yes. I didn't make that clear, sorry.

P.S note the OP is now on the third draft of his excerpt. Where else can you find like-minded people who are dedicated enough to hack away at multiple drafts of the same piece, always seeking improvement in a friendly and encouraging environment.

http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/

Advice on science in fiction = Physics Forums
Advice on science fiction writing = Chronicles (and PF :)

I have also pointed out PF to aspiring writers as a place to seek advice, fwiw.

 

[r4z0r84]

Nimbian, i have met a new friend that is also dyslexic she uses "dragon naturally speaking" (voice to text software) to write everything on the computer, i must also say it is of a great feat to write a novel as a dyslexic i have seen my friend write without using a voice to text type program and it is close to impossible to read and it frustrates her constantly.

Dont give up, also i do have to agree with the others in terms of current and past events in the same sentence but i only see that if i analise and don't just read your work, I am no english teacher or anything of the sort (i usually don't read books at all) but i find this story quite interesting!

keep up the good work!

 

[Nimbian]

Thanks Every one. I haven't given up. I just have no time at the moment, due to a new Job.

Hopefully I can get Chapter 1 up before December.
I'll look into Dragon Naturally speaking and into the other forum that was suggested when I have more time.

and again Thanks for the support

 

[Nimbian]

Hello Everyone.

While I'd love to post the next chapter I can not as I have not had the time to actually write it. so instead to keep both this thread alive and active, and to keep my story in mind so I can actually write it. I've decided to get your options of several plot (for lack of a better word) devices and Background to see if there is any obvious questions about the Technologies, Civilizations, or peoples that I should answer.

Feel free not to read this post if you don't want to know the background of my "universe"

1st.
Nexagona (a world/ star Empire) has gone thru many changes since its founding (before Earths destruction) The one constant has been its monarchy, Its been a Elective monarchy to a Cult of personality (similar to emperor worship in Rome, except more... rock star-ish.) and into it current form of Technocratic Meritocracy Utopia. (utopia being the Ideal they are attempting to achieve). Currently the Royal family is extremely active in the maintenance and governance of their growing empire (from a single world to over 30 in the last thousand years.) The governance of the empire is entrusted to the "Nobility", who's parents can be of any station. Position in the government (Civil service) is determined, for the most part, by ability intellectual and physical. Ruler-ship is traditionally limited to specific family lines and then the most capable member is chosen when ever there is an opening.

However any Title can be handed out by the Royal Family to any deserving or worthy individual, and any title can also be revoked by the current reigning King or Queen, provided certain conditions have been met (Such as evidence of corruption, treason, or unlawful usurpation of another title.)

 

[Drakkith]

If you are really interested in writing, I'd highly recommend getting a few books on the subject. I personally like "Make a Scene" by Jordan E. Rosenfeld, and "How NOT to Write a Novel" by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman. Both are very educational and fun reads.

For one thing, I really hope that isn't a whole chapter you have posted here, as it's FAR too short. You just started your first scene and it really hasn't even gotten going yet.

As for your background, well it seems fine to me, but perhaps a little too "perfect". Unless of course that's how it's really supposed to be and the plot elaborates on perhaps the struggles of maintaining the quality of the leadership, or something of that nature. Or you could just ignore explaining it out right and focus on telling the story. That can work too. It really depends on what you are writing.

Also, do you have an idea of what the overall plot is for your story yet? It may help if you know the direction you will head in before writing.

 

[Nimbian]

No it isn't a whole chapter its just a prelude. and thanks for the suggested reading, I'll look into getting a copy of both books

As for my background piece its just one of many societies that exists in the universe. and while it seems a little Idealistic its because it is. Nexagona is striving for perfection, and knowingly falling short of it. The costs both materially and of people are not mentioned, and the above only covers over the ruling class, not the rest of the population, on the 30 odd worlds they control. The main connection with the story is the little girl in the above prelude is a member of the Royal family.

The Main plot of the story resolves around a group of cultures (alien) that are manipulating Galactic Law (of which humanity, save the Edenites, are unaware of) in a bid for domination of Human space. (there is a lot of history of why humanity is impotent enough to be protected by Galactic law.)

The Main purpose of the Laws are to prevent an all out conflict between cultures who have enough Technology/power/means to decimate entire star-systems or even cause damage to the stability/livability of the Galaxy. Cultures that violate these laws a swiftly dealt with by the entire community. Humanity was considered a Galactic Level civilization under the Edenites, and Humanity is still protected by systems left by them, and Eden's One ally on the Galactic council. But should Eden prove unable to "protect" Humanity another group can step in.

To this end they are un-terraforming (Reversing the process to how the world was before Eden Terraformed it) human worlds to create a crisis that Humanity will be unable to solve, thus necessitating aid by the Galactic Council, which in turn opens Humanity to becoming a protectorate of one of these unnamed alien races.

Nimbus Who has no knowledge of this (being from a time just before the Edenites became a member of the Galactic council). Starts putting it all together, and has to (by virtue of being the last Edenite) put a stop to it, unite Humanity, and basically save the day.

 

[Drakkith]

Sounds like a plot to me!

 

[brenan]

A word of caution - I wrote my first SF short in 1978.
Then I started reading books about writing and found I enjoyed reading about
writing more than actually putting pencil to paper. Maybe because they were
such good books full of truth and real help - I kept thinking I needed more help than I did. (maybe - some might say I still need a lot more ... )
Anyway - I didn't finish anything again for 20 years. Too busy reading to write.

The best book I ever read was a very old one By L. Sprague DeCamp - If you can track that down it may be worth a read although the practical stuff in it is seriously out of date now.

 

[Nimbian]

Thanks for stopping by Brenan

if your talking about this Book then I'll keep an eye out for it.

I just really wish I had more time in which to actually sit down and write with. just too many projects on the go, and unfortunately most of them are not "optional" :(

so far I have written and rewritten the first chapter at least three times... :( one of these attempts I'll feel comfortable enough to let you guys tear it apart. :) I just want enough left when your done so it still has one leg to stand on... :)

Anyway thanks to every one that is following this thread.

 

[Drakkith]

Nimbian, if you've re-written the first chapter 3 times then it's time to put it away and move on to the next. You need to get the story down first before you go back and re-write. At least more than 1 chapter.

 

[brenan]

Thanks for stopping by Brenan

if your talking about this Book then I'll keep an eye out for it.

Yes that's the one. The version I have is the revised edition. I wish it was in better
condition - I've just found half the front dust cover on my shelf but no book.
I'll have to hunt it out.

 

[Nimbian]

Don't I know it Drakkith.

Its more a long the lines of being unhappy with the perspective, and balancing the attention I'm giving the characters and the environment. I also find my self writing from different characters perspectives.

The first chapter is hard for me because every thing is new for the reader, and trying to balance what is necessary for the audience to know and what is, for lack of a better way of saying it, "cool" (at least to me)

 

[Drakkith]

Don't I know it Drakkith.

Its more a long the lines of being unhappy with the perspective, and balancing the attention I'm giving the characters and the environment. I also find my self writing from different characters perspectives.

Cut it all out except for one, MAYBE two characters at most.

The first chapter is hard for me because every thing is new for the reader, and trying to balance what is necessary for the audience to know and what is, for lack of a better way of saying it, "cool" (at least to me)

I can only recommend a few books I've read myself.

Make a Scene
The Idiots Guide to Writing a Novel
How NOT to Write a Novel

 

[Nimbian]

hey guys its been much longer then i ever intended in coming but i do have the much delayed next chapter in my story. instead of delaying yet again until its perfect here it is


Chapter 1


5mm, is all that stood between Inkel and his target. 5mm of Diamond smart glass created over a thousand years ago, is the reason Inkel now watches his target from the tube transport, that has ferried millions of tourists over the years to see the sights of this ancient Edenite station. Inkel pull out some cheep tourists binoculars and examines a similar transport tube a little over a kilometer away with the vast interior of the immense station. Identical to his own the transport inside the tube is cylinder just over three meters in height with devices on the top and bottom to grip the sides of the tube, called stoppers according to the Tourist Guide Book, in the unlikely event that the main lifting mechanism should fail. Since fully occupying this station over one thousand years ago no one has ever found the mechanism that powers it. According to the guide book in the early days before the Edenites disappeared, the transports did not even have the Stoppers.
Adjusting the settings on the binoculars, he zooms in closer to see if he can spot his target in the other tube, but the image was to blurry, the binoculars software apparently couldn't compensate for either the distance, speed, or the occasional support ring that seems to hold the ten kilometer long tubes together, perhaps a combination thereof. It didn't matter, in a few minutes the tube would arrive, and Inkel would have little time to reach his position and set up before the other tube transport arrives.
When he arrives Inkel quickly clears the arrival station, noticing as expected that the security was much higher here then elsewhere on the station. Unsurprising given that the Monument room, the second of the two main attractions on the station was located in here, where the old Edenite Embassy was once located, and next to where station control is currently is. Security would not be a problem since Inkel made arrangements in the week since he arrived to have all he would need smuggled in by various other “Support Assets”. As he approaches his planed “sniper perch” on the upper level of the monument room he collects the items he needs, from items “left behind” and “forgotten” by various people in his employ. Fitting the parts together is easy, and with a scientific/student pass the guards don't even look twice at a man carrying bits of hardware. These particular bits when connected in the proper order thou make a very small, accurate and powerful x-ray laser emitter. Of which had only two drawbacks its power source, and durability. It would only be able to fire once or twice before the focusing lens would literally burn out, and the battery only has enough power to fire two shots. To Inkel this was a perfect weapon, he would only require one shot, and then depending on the circumstances either partially or fully dispose of the weapon.
After finishing the weapon and confirming his escape plans at the “sniper perch” he takes a moment to reexamine the room. When he was here earlier in the week doing his first recon he only took note of the architectural and security features that might help or impede his work. This room being one of only two places here he would be able to strike his target and get away, and the only one where he wouldn't cause collateral damage. Now that he is some what of a captive audience till his target arrives he takes the moment to really look at the monument.
The monument is a two story floating sculpture of Earth, before it was destroyed in the war with the Lu'Quan, reputedly built using ejecti from the Earth created during the bombardment. Standing on a platform that also floats some what above and to the side of the “Earth” is a full sized sculpture of a man, or Edenite, looking down at the Earth. Interestingly over the years the sculpture of the man has changed from year to year, in the early years after Eden left and the Alliance discovered this chamber it said/written/recorded that the Edenite was crying, now Inkel thought he just looks sad, But even Inkel had to agree it was an impressive sight, even if it was small in comparison to other Monuments and constructions within the Alliance.
The room was shaped like a immense, squat, chicken egg, with three tiers of platform running along the sides. The Lowest platform runs around the near the base of where the “Earth” floats at seven meters above the “floor”, while the second runs around the middle and the last near the top of the “Earth”. Inkel's position was on the second tier, while he expected his target to come in on the first tier below and across from him.
His planning payed off when after a few minutes he could see the target's group filter in thru the doors. Once again he took out his binoculars, and scanned the area across from him, never lingering or giving the impression that he was searching for anyone in particular, just normal curiosity like Alexander Ovufs, the Student from the Lunar University that his pass said he was.
As expected he counts a number of guards with the group, plain cloths of course, but their barring and mannerisms say military thru and thru. Almost over kill with a ratio of one guard for ever two others in the group, but then again maybe not considering Inkels purpose here. Inkel could only guess at the number of other guards spread out over the three tiers, but he knows none are near to where he is right now.
He spots his target just as the group starts to split up, and walk in groups of threes around the perimeter of the room. He directs his weapon just has his target leans on the railing that edges the tiers. Close to field of what ever levitates this thing he thinks to him self when he notices a slight distortion over his targeting optics, which turned out to be the cheap Binoculars now with much enhanced software, curtsy of the AASF intelligence department. Inkel silently curses, his target is only half visible the other half obscured by the field. He has two choices take the shot he has or wait to see if it gets better. As his old instructors used to say “Take the shot you have, you never know when you'll get your next”. Inkel sighs and takes the shot, but nothing happens. Examining the readouts he sees the the weapon did fire, the battery shows a discharge, and the focusing lens is showing heat stresses, checking the software log he sees that the targeting software auto-corrected, just before the discharge, following the targets slight movement to the right, right into the field. He quickly disables the targeting software and takes a second aim, the target hasn't moved but it won't take long and he could lose his shot. Aiming just by sight he takes a second shot. This time however some thing did happen, several some things. He somehow despite a clear line of sight, missed the target and, instead hit the guard standing beside her. The guard slumped on the rail pinning his target to the rail, there was a bright flash and the whole section of rail slipped free of its mooring on the one side causing the dead guard and his target to fall off the platform as it swung out into the air. At the same time his overloaded X-ray laser melted down immediately drawing his attention away from his now surly dead target; A fall of seven meters with 200 pounds of military meat would kill anyone not wearing armor. An alarm blared and Inkel felt it was now time for him to leave. He could see and feel the disruptions in the air as security fields pop into place around every one, a security measure he came prepared for. Activating a Station Security ID, he “convinces” the station computer that he is part of the response team and the fields around him and that bar his path shut down as he approaches them.
Leaving the way he came he shuts down his “borrowed” ID, reverting to the Student ID. As he enters the corridor, he looks around, as expected no one else seems to know that anything is wrong within the monument room. At least for now. Inkel quickly moves over to one of the observation rooms built into the side of the area where the Control Center and Monument are. Looking out he sees the station floor just under ten kilometers away. The station was build as a gigantic O'Riely Cylinder, with a diameter on the inside of exactly twenty kilometers and just over one hundred kilometers long. Why the Edenites built it and what it was originally intended for is still a mystery but it means to get away he just has to glide to the station “floor” and he should be able to disappear quite easily. He deactivates his now useless Student ID, and opens one of the safety compartments along the back wall, and pulls out a glider, and not the standard rescue version either, but a military covert ops model that has seen service on countless worlds where there is an atmosphere and a place to fight. He had it exchanged earlier that day as part of escape plan two. After donning an O2 Mask he pulls the emergency release and opens a section of the wall of windows. Inkel jumps out with his glider, its wings closed. It took twenty minutes to get to the center of the station, and if he went strait down it would only take him five to land safely. But strait down is where they will check if they think he used one of the rescue gliders. As he jumps he feels gravity drop to near zero, not the feeling of free fall but the near complete lack of pull, the Station center had artificial gravity, another marvel of Eden's. His jump provided enough thrust that within a minute he starts to accelerate as the moving air pulls him along. With the air and ground moving he begins to feel a sense of gravity returning, an illusion he knows since its the stations' rotation that provides the downward pull. At five kilometers up he opens his gliders wings and changes direction and heads to what the stationers call Moonward or to the rear of the cylinder. Looking up he can see the giant holograph of the space outside the station on the moonward side, It shows the Moon looking much like it has for millions of years if not for the discreet clusters of lights which are the Lunar University, and Alliance Archives. Looking back down he has to marvel at the resources that went into making this station. Within the Alliance there are dozens if not hundreds of other stations that are larger in overall size then this one but none are built like this with such a huge open area. The land below is a patchwork of different terrains all said to have existed on Earth before the bombardment. The whole structure just appeared in Earth Orbit at the L1 point between the Earth and the Moon, within weeks of the devastating bombardment. Accounts very but what records survived say that the Edenites spent years digging out and rescuing and recovering every last living human on Earth, all while fighting a galactic war. Inkel shakes his head to dispel the thoughts. No wonder the Acheron Trade Guild was so frighted of them. Inkel thinks to him self,
After a few minutes he joins with other glider traffic, and makes his way moonward towards one of his safe points on the station. This particular safepoint is a designated campground. Complete with tent and an ID that's been broadcasting since late last night. Setting down he picks up the ID and Connects it to his station ID and downloads the ID becoming for the interim Dr, Gram Arc, PHD in Earth Zoology. Five hundred years ago this would have been impossible to do, but Acheron Intelligence has been working on this problem for a very, very long time, now its almost routine. Inkel begins taking down the tent and cleaning the campsite, he activates a Holocaster, which generates an image in the air above it. Setting it down he connects his Earpieces to the Holocaster cutting of the audio momentary as it transfers to his earpieces. Setting the connection with the stations entertainment database, to look for station and station port news he goes back to taking down the camp and cleaning up.
As expected his attack earlier made the news. As he listens to the new caster compliment him, by saying that they do not know what happened yet, and all indication point to a freak accident, caused by an as yet unknown cause. There was no mention of his escape, not that he expected them too. According to his Tablet, well, Dr. Gram Arc's Tablet, his ship leaves in two days, to the Lunar University, and from there he can book a ship to anywhere in Alliance space.
Inkel just let the News play while he packaged every thing, and was about ready to turn off the holocaster when the last item listed caught his eye. A Police notice about a missing child, ordinarily Inkel wouldn't care but since he had two days before he shipped out hunting down a Kidnapper almost sounds like a vacation considering what he just did. He loads up the information and a picture with a name appears on the screen, and as Inkel looks at the image the blood drains from his face. Crystal Thornwood of Nexagona, Age 10 is missing. Inkel has seen her before, and knows much more about her, including her full name Crystal Thornwood Du'Nexagona, a Princess of the royal family and third in line to the Throne of the Nexagonian Star Kingdom, his Target. A target that somehow isn't dead.