Collection of Lame Jokes

[Chrono]

That's because you're not a surrealist.

Is that a good thing?

 

[BobG]

Surrealism: the principles, ideals, or practice of producing fantastic or incongruous imagery or effects in art, literature, film, or theater by means of unnatural juxtapositions and combinations.

Answering "fish" to a question about lightbulbs is an unnatural combination - hence the association to surrealists.

Or answering 42 to a question about the meaning of life (Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy).

 

[Chrono]

I get it now.

 

[jimmy p]

Ok... so that one didnt go down too well

Q. How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?


A. Two. One to screw it most the way and the other to give it a surprise twist.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Boy that is baaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddd.

Okay just for that...

I stepped in a hole and now I hobble.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear that Dave bought a clone? Unfortunately this clone was rather obnoxious. He would spit and cuss and belch and make lewd and lascivious gestures at the neighbors. This behavior got worse and worse until one day Dave had all he could take. He grabbed the clone by the collar, dragged him onto the roof of a high rise building and threw him over the edge. Dave was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

 

[Kalimaa23]

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish

Some variants :

Q : How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A : Aardvark on toast.

Q : How many dadaïsts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A : Bathtub full of tools.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Dave was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

OOhhhh! heee heee hee! That was fit pun-ishment for my previous post! :rofl:

 

[Imparcticle]

If your mom's a dishwasher and your dad's a dryer, why is the football on top of the dog house?

















A. Pigs don't fly for ten-issues.

 

[Gokul43201]

Man walks into a bar with his ostrich. They sit down at the bar, and the man orders a beer. The bartender asks the ostrich "what'll you have ?" to which it replies "whatever he's having". They down their drinks and the bartender tells the man "that'll be a dollar and fifty eight, sir". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change - without even looking - pays the barman, and leaves with his ostrich.

This same thing happens every day for the next few days, and the bartender is curious as hell. So he asks the man to tell all. This is what the guy says :

"One day, I found this little lamp, which I rubbed, and out came a genie and granted me 2 wishes. My first wish was that whenever I had to pay for anything, I'd just have to reach in my pocket, and the right amount would be there."

"Why, that's brilliant", says the bartender. "Most people would ask for unlimited wealth, but you get the same deal without all the hassle. And what was your second wish ?"

Replies the man, with a frown, " I asked for a tall chick, with long legs, that would always agree with me."

 

[The_Professional]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Little boy blue

Little boy blue who?

Michael Jackson

 

[photon]

How many lame people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

 

[plover]

Lame math jokes my parents taught me... (what? your parents didn't teach you any?)

$$\int \frac{1}{cabin}\ dcabin$$


Q: What's purple and commutes?

A: An Abelian grape!


Q: And what's this?

$$\displaystyle{\underset{\circ \circ}{\Omega}}$$

A: A mobile ohm!

 

[BoulderHead]

I've told this one before, but it's still quite lame and should do nicely here.

A man walks into a bar and proclaims with a loud voice; I'm feeling mean enough right now to whop a bear.
A very large and powerfully built man, smelling of alcohol, straddles up to him and asks; Just what kind of a bear are you talking about?
To which the first man, gesturing with a thumb and forefinger, replies; A little bitty bear!

 

[jimmy p]

A group of attorneys had to measure the length of a flagpole for evidence to support a lawsuit. They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure. They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure - the whole thing was just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measuremen to one of the attorneys and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length."

 

[The Bob]

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead. :rofl:


Q: Why did the parrot fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was stapled to the koala. :rofl:

The Bob (2004 ©)

 

[Gokul43201]

Q: Why was the parrot stapled to the koala ?

 

[plover]

Q: Why was the parrot stapled to the koala ?

I think something went awry during one of those secret Masonic handshakes...

 

[Hurkyl]

It's not dead, just pinin' for the fjords!

 

[Chrono]

Q: Why was the parrot stapled to the koala ?

Maybe somebody really didn't like kaolas.

 

[The Bob]

Q: Why was the parrot stapled to the koala ?

A: Oh it was because of the Parrots-eat-um-all (Paracetamol). :rofl:

The Bob (2004 ©)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Bush, while at the European Economic Summit, and speaking to the economic problems of the French:

"The trouble with the French is that they don't have a word for Entrepreneur"

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

He should have been a comedian!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

“A mummy is something that never stops giving.” – a noted archeologist

 

[Ivan Seeking]

What do you call a pig with three eyes?








a piiig

 

[Gokul43201]

What do you call a pig with three eyes?








a piiig

Damn, that's one lame-ass m**********r !

(That was Sam Jackson, not me)

 

[jimmy p]

What has two wheels, and travels 60mph underwater?


Motorpike and sidecarp.

 

[plover]

Motorpike and sidecarp.

Together, don't those have three wheels?

 

[BoulderHead]

There are some exceptionally lame jokes appearing in this thread. Keep up the good work, people! :rofl:

 

[jimmy p]

I have a really long lame joke but I am not sure if I should type it all out.

So for now, I'll do this one...

Did you hear that a boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into each other?



Apparently the crew were marooned.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rabbit?





a rabbit fur sock

 

[BoulderHead]

I did not understand the last joke, I hope this not mean I am a lame joke.

Anyway, there was this monkey that wrapped its tail around a flagpole...

 

[Ivan Seeking]

a rabbit with a big hole in it?

A young man is nailing a board into place. Being unpracticed in such matters as hammers and nails, he hit the nail once out of every four or five strikes of the hammer. An older fellow walks up behind him, and not wanting to discourage him the older man says:"keep it up. You almost have it surrounded!"

 

[BoulderHead]

a rabbit with a big hole in it?

Good grief, of all the people on this board I should never have been the one to overlook that! :rofl:


A used camel salesman demonstrates to his customer the proper watering technique to be used with male camels, so as to fully load the beast prior to a long journey across the desert. Taking the animal to a nearby stream he allows it to begin drinking. Next, he slips around to the backside and, taking a large rock in each hand, slams the stones together with the testicles of the beast in-between. The camel makes a loud slurrrrp as it fills to capacity with water. The customer, looking confused, asks; ouch, but doesn’t that hurt? To which the salesman replies; only if you get your thumb caught between the stones.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

German humor:

Did anyone see Das Boot. I love the ending! Classic German Irony.

Not lame humor but one of my favorites.