Lame Jokes

micromass

There's a mathematician whose non-mathematician friends are constantly ribbing him because his field is just so abstract and seems to have no relevance to the real world. One day, it gets to him, and he resolves to arm himself with some practical applications of research mathematics for the next encounter. He realizes that his own specialty (mathematical logic) is probably too far beyond them to be of any use there, so he goes to the department bulletin board to find an upcoming talk about something practical. Luckily, a talk is scheduled that afternoon on "the theory of gears." "Perfect!" he says. Nothing could be more practical, more down-to-earth. Finally, he'll be able to prove to his friends that mathematics is relevant to the real world. That afternoon, he's so excited that he goes to the talk five minutes early and sits in the first row of seats. Then, at the scheduled time, the speaker stands up and begins: "While the theory of gears with real numbers of teeth is well understood...."

I like Serena

LOL
Knowing you, I expected a punch line where the mathematician would come out best!

micromass

Hey, I love to make fun of mathematicians

micromass

Fine, here is one where the math guy "wins"

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."

I like Serena

What happened to a "point" fence?

micromass

Or the imaginary fence

I like Serena

Ah, I just thought it typical that the mathematician would "waste" some fence just to be able to exclude himself from the rest of the world!

And perhaps we should include a philosopher saying like: "Imagine we had a fence...".

Edit: Actually, the straight line from the physicist is off (I love physics!). That's more something a philosopher would say. ;)

OmCheeto

I once made the mistake of jokingly asking my Christian friend if they still believed in creationism.

He said; "Yes. Except in your case."

dkotschessaa

Saw this on a T-shirt today. I'm finding math jokes funny at the moment...



I know. Lame!

IMP

You don't need a parachute to skydive, you only need a parachute to skydive twice.

IMP

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, though... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister!

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door...

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

But, lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me, and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

DaveC426913

A traveling salesman had his car break down on a country road at night in a rainstorm. He trudged a few miles until he came upon a farm. He knocked on the door of the farmhouse and an old man answered. He asked if he could stay the night.

The farmer said: "Well, my beautiful sex-hungry young wife died last year, and I have a voluptuous teenaged daughter but she has cold sores and terrible body odor so she sleeps in the barn. So, actually, there's plenty of room for you to come in and sleep."

The salesman turned around and started back out into the rain.

The farmer called after him "Where you going? Didn't I tell you I have plenty of room?"

The salesman called back over his shoulder "Thanks, but I think I'm in the wrong joke."

Borek

Protons have mass? I didn't even know that they were Catholic.

dkotschessaa

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

Isaacsname

A priest was running from a Lion at full speed, then he stopped, got to his knees and started praying,

" Our father who art in heaven, please convert this lion into a Christian so he won't eat me. "

when the Lion saw this, he stopped and started praying, " Our father who art in heaven, bless this food which I am about to receive. "

Isaacsname

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr*ck!"

Nikitin

ahahaha I love this, hilarious!!