Non-dating advice

Evo

I need to know the best way to discourage someone from being interested in dating you and become friends.

A guy I used to work with texted me Christmas Eve. I haven't spoken to him for at least a year. He had a crush on me when we worked together, but never approached me, he would discuss it with co-workers though. He's hysterically funny and an incredible cook. I was really sad when he was laid off because I could hear him from my cubicle and I'd be in tears sometimes from laughing so hard.

He wants to come over and make me his shrimp gumbo which is the most awesome gumbo I've ever tasted. I had asked him for the recipe, but he doesn't have one, so he said he'd show me how to make it. I would love that, but I know he "likes" me, so it would be awkward.

How do you discourage someone that you know is interested in dating you that you aren't interested in them, but would like to be friends, without making them uncomfortable? We were never "friends" as far as socializing, we were simply co-workers, so there is no existing "friendship".

And I want to know how to make that gumbo.

Renge Ishyo

Give him your phone number and then when he calls a bunch of times don't answer (I'm kidding of course ).

Seriously, don't go for the gumbo yet. You're right, you don't want to get his hopes up by setting up a "date" situation. The best thing to do is never be alone with the guy and keep a professional distance when you talk with him. Have him make gumbo at a friends house when you do a company get together and watch him then with tons of others around. Tell him you'd like to see how to make the Gumbo some time in the future when you have some free time to stall for time. When the atmosphere is a "friends" atmosphere with a bunch of friends/coworkers around you then you guys can develop as friends, when it is one on one...well, you get the idea. Oh, and don't drink.

Kurdt

Being brave and honest is probably best. Get it over and out of the way so things can continue without the atmosphere.

He sounds nice though, matbe he could keep you company in a more casual fashion.

Evo

To Renge - The problem is that we have no mutual friends and we no longer work together, but your advice is excellent. All of my friends are scattered all over the globe, both of my girlfriends that I made friends with when I moved here have moved away. I had considered inviting some of the people that we both worked with over at the same time, but to be honest, although they are really nice people, they have young kids, live over an hour away from me, and are uber-religious. They are always inviting me to their parties, but I never go. Small children and praying just aren't my thing. These are people that come into my cubicle, grab my hands, and pray for me all of time.

The neighbors I had gotten to know well moved away a few months ago and the herd from hell moved in. Ack.

Kurdt, how do I do it though? If he came over in the hopes of starting a romance and I shot him down when it was just the two of us cooking, that would be awful. How do I say, sure, come over, but we're just friends, without making him feel awkward? Then of course, maybe he's no longer interested in me romantically, and I'd make him feel awkward by bringing it up. Is there any way to win in this situation?

Or perhaps I can ask Cyrus to call him?

turbo

Beware that to some people, making gumbo is a very involved routine, and time-consuming as a result. I knew an electrical engineer from Mississippi who would spend most of a day to make up a batch. If you invite him over and you're uncomfortable, you'll be uncomfortable for hours and hours. Is it worth it?

Evo

Oh turbo, if you tasted his gumbo, you would not ask that question. And you're right, it does take time. He also makes killer chili and homemade sausage. He was a professional chef once.

He'd be such a great friend, someone I could cook with, and he could change my light bulbs.

Kurdt

Don't listen to me Evo I'm weird, I wouldn't feel awkward either way I just like clarity.

tmc

Simply mention that you'd love for him to show you his gumbo shrimp so that you can make it for your long-distance boyfriend next time you get to see him.

That or casually slip into a conversation that you're actually lesbian (and, of course, happen to become straight again next time you find yourself a suitable man).

Evo

I wish I could know how he'd take it. It would be easy if I didn't want to be friends, or get his recipe. I'd have no problem in just point blank turning him down.

Jimmy Snyder

It would be easier to 'shoot him down' if you were doing him a favor rather than he doing one for you. Perhaps you could teach him how to make gumbo and then 'let' him do you one better.

lisab

So why don't you want to date him...just no spark there?

Evo

I was considering that. It wouldn't exactly be a lie, Kurdt *is* my volunteer imaginary boyfriend for December. But he's the kind of nice guy that would come over and show me and be miserable the whole time.

Evo

He's obsessively clean. He spends over $300 a month on cleaners and disinfectants. Once a week he pours 7 gallons of bleach into his bathtub and lets it sit overnight. He disinfects his mailbox regularly. He threw a girl out of his place at 3am when she blew her nose and the tissue missed the trash can. He talked about that for weeks he was so grossed out.

Yeah, no spark.

turbo

Do you know anybody else who makes gumbo? Invite that person, too, and have a cook-off. Ask them each to invite another person as "judges" and have a little get-together. That's about as non-threatening as you can make the day, IMO.

One time, when my wife and I were renting a big old farm-house, the winter was getting pretty old, so we decided to have some fun. I had a friend who swore that his spaghetti sauce was the best in the world, when I knew damned well that mine was. We invited a crowd of friends over, and he and I spent all afternoon preparing our sauces, while people played cards, chatted, and drank my home-brewed beer (the braver or dumber ones, anyway - that stuff had a KICK!). The other guests had brought loaves of Italian bread so we could make garlic bread, and they brought salads, appetizers, etc. Unfortunately, we had an even number of (overly clever) guests, so when they voted after the feast, they engineered a tie and claimed that we needed to have another spaghetti cook-off before the matter could be settled. Frank was a really good cook, and we both picked up some ideas from each other. Normally, I don't like to cook with others or share my kitchen, but that was fun.

montoyas7940

Maybe just let your kitchen get really messy before he comes over.

Cyrus

Your co-worker is monk the crime detective!?

I would say this. If you invite him over and its just you two, that's going to be seen as a date from his end. If you want him to show you how to make the Gumbo, I would seriously considering having people over. And have a guy friend there that also likes you so he might interpret that as you two going out even though your not. It will keep him at a distance.

"We tend to fire people on a friday, it avoids confrontations that way" - The Bobs

Evo

My kitchen at this new place is too tiny. Two people in there at once would be too crowded.