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Girl in physics and I hate the attention :[

by MissSilvy
Tags: attention, girl, hate, physics
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TMFKAN64
#37
Jun6-10, 01:49 AM
P: 1,084
You might be one woman surrounded by a group of 11 men, but statistically, one of them is probably gay. Figure out which one, and invite him for coffee and geek out all you want.
JRDunassigned
#38
Jun8-10, 12:05 AM
P: 19
MissSilvy,

I was wondering if... maybe... you know if you have the time... well...
PaulS1950
#39
Jun8-10, 12:58 AM
P: 151
As a minister I counsel couples. I have a few pre-marital questionaires that you could use to send most of the guys running but you might find compatible partners too. It might just be easier to be rigidly straight with them and tell them exactly what you are and are not interested in doing within the limits of your relationship with them. There will be some that will think this is just a challenge but after repeated cold shoulders they will usually move on to easier targets. Set your boundaries and keep them constant. Be assertive without regard for their feelings - if you have to do that they aren't listening to your feelings anyway. If all else fails get sidekick and keep her with you anytime a situation might be a problem. It would have to be someone you can trust completely and someone you know has no feelings for you other than that of a friend.
I wish you well in this matter (this is where I usually say, "If you need to talk my wife and I are available") but this is a bit of a blind encounter and you have no way to know whether I am who I present or not. See if there isn't a counsellor or pastor locally that you can talk with and exchange ideas with until you find your solution.
Norman
#40
Jun8-10, 08:48 AM
P: 922
My suggestion: find the guys who already have girlfriends.

We do exist (or I did exist... since I am far removed from undergrad life) in the undergrad physics world. Not all physicists are the cliche nerds and odds are that some out of the group do not hang out with the rest of the major also.

I was always very good friends with the fellow female physicists. I thought it was my winning personality, but maybe it was because I was engaged or married (depending on the time frame) and I didn't pose the threat of the awkward "wanna go to dinner with me" moment.

Just a thought.
Pattonias
#41
Jun8-10, 08:56 AM
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P: 378
Quote Quote by Lacy33 View Post
Many years ago I studied in a field nontraditional for woman and in fact where I studied it I was the only woman.
I bought myself a cheap wedding ring and just acted married.
I knew it knew it! To how many other girls have you passed on this tactic? They all can't be married.
jreelawg
#42
Jun8-10, 11:55 AM
P: 450
For me, the more I try to get a girl to like me, they don't. The less I act interested, the more they like me.

What you should do to win miss silvy's heart, is act like you are not at all interested in her. Be a good friend, but never let her think you like her romantically. At the same time, make sure that she knows your strait. Talk to her a few times about other girls you think are attractive. She will already be your friend at this point, and she will wonder why you don't like her romantically. Girls in this position will usually try and seduce you like it is some kind of challenge.

Or you could shave your beard, and lay out in her office with a broken back, like in something about mary.
waht
#43
Jun8-10, 12:13 PM
P: 1,636
Quote Quote by jreelawg View Post
For me, the more I try to get a girl to like me, they don't. The less I act interested, the more they like me.

What you should do to win miss silvy's heart, is act like you are not at all interested in her. Be a good friend, but never let her think you like her romantically. At the same time, make sure that she knows your strait. Talk to her a few times about other girls you think are attractive. She will already be your friend at this point, and she will wonder why you don't like her romantically. Girls in this position will usually try and seduce you like it is some kind of challenge.
Brilliant strategy.
zoobyshoe
#44
Jun8-10, 02:19 PM
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P: 5,625
Quote Quote by waht View Post
Brilliant strategy.
It's strangely true. The girls who used to end up having a crush on me were the ones about whom I felt the most neutral. It seemed to constitute some sort of challenge for them to get me to consider them special, and they would, in fact, resort to seduction sometimes.
cronxeh
#45
Jun8-10, 03:31 PM
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P: 1,236
Its pathetic and pointless. Playing games with people's emotions has long term unforseeable consequences that you are not prepared for.
stevenb
#46
Jun8-10, 03:46 PM
P: 697
Quote Quote by cronxeh View Post
Its pathetic and pointless. Playing games with people's emotions has long term unforseeable consequences that you are not prepared for.
I completely agree that this is true on a logical and intellectual level. However, romanance strategies and games are an instinctual behavior in humans. Those who don't play by the love-rules end up losing at love. This is why the saying goes that "all is fair in love and war".

But we are getting off the OPs point a little. She has made it clear that she wants to take a break from playing the love games. She is focusing on other things right now. Just as it's fair to use love strategies to win over someone you desire, it's also fair to be blunt and hurt feelings to rebuff someone making unwanted advances. We all do it occationally, and we all take it occationally. Then someday, we (hopefully) find the right person, and are a little wiser from the experiences.
deRham
#47
Jun8-10, 04:24 PM
P: 410
"ust as it's fair to use love strategies to win over someone you desire, it's also fair to be blunt and hurt feelings to rebuff someone making unwanted advances."


Honestly, I think this is less effective. Just don't acknowledge their advances much, and treat them as just offers to be friendly. Trust me, as a guy talks to a girl more and gets used to her, his hormones cool, assuming the girl isn't a big flirt. This whole "be assertive, and just study alone if you need" thing is missing what MissSilvy even wants. Awkward guys who get a little stirred up by the one girl in the room can be different if you give them some time and destroy the mystique behind the "cute girl in the physics department" figure.
stevenb
#48
Jun8-10, 05:22 PM
P: 697
Quote Quote by deRham View Post
Honestly, I think this is less effective. Just don't acknowledge their advances much, and treat them as just offers to be friendly. Trust me, as a guy talks to a girl more and gets used to her, his hormones cool, assuming the girl isn't a big flirt. This whole "be assertive, and just study alone if you need" thing is missing what MissSilvy even wants. Awkward guys who get a little stirred up by the one girl in the room can be different if you give them some time and destroy the mystique behind the "cute girl in the physics department" figure.
That is good advice as long as the advances are not too aggressive and allow room to be friendly and to interact in a normal way. But, I'm assuming the advances are more bothersome, otherwise why would the problem rise to the level of asking the PF members for advice, and of generating a real fear of being lonely for the next two years?

Also, if you look at my previous post #35, you'll see that I don't suggest that she "be assertive, and just study alone if she needs". I think there is plenty of opportunity for her to make friends with a select group of people. That is, the people that will truly be her friends, which implies real Platonic affection without strings attached. These are people she may stay friends with throughout life, and this is an opportunity that should not be missed.
deRham
#49
Jun8-10, 06:04 PM
P: 410
"That is good advice as long as the advances are not too aggressive and allow room to be friendly and to interact in a normal way. But, I'm assuming the advances are more bothersome, otherwise why would the problem rise to the level of asking the PF members for advice, and of generating a real fear of being lonely for the next two years?"

If they're really that bothersome, I agree - you have to avoid interaction with these people.

The reason I think they probably aren't all that bothersome is the following. First, if they were that bothersome, then asking for advice in PF is obviously not even a meaningful option - the best option is to run for it and forget about trying to make friends with a bunch of animals. Second, I highly doubt that a majority of physics majors at a well-reputed school would be hungry animals out to make threatening advances towards a girl. I imagine them to be nerdy types who see few females in their department, and are awkward around them and try to cozy up to them due to the ratio.

I agree about finding a select group of people - sorry, I didn't do a careful enough reading of all your posts to know your full point. What I mean is a part of that is to make a concerted effort to be friendly, even if things are awkward at first.
stevenb
#50
Jun8-10, 06:46 PM
P: 697
Quote Quote by deRham View Post

... the best option is to run for it and forget about trying to make friends with a bunch of animals. Second, I highly doubt that a majority of physics majors at a well-reputed school would be hungry animals out to make threatening advances towards a girl.
I think we are in basic agreement, but I want to be clear that I wasn't claiming that they are this bad. Stalkers are a job for police advice and not PF advice. I just think that normal men can come across in a manner that makes a woman too uncomfortable. They can push too hard and then become defensive when the girl is clearly not interested.
deRham
#51
Jun8-10, 08:48 PM
P: 410
I think a combo of what we are suggesting might be best. Try to be friendly and employ my strategy - it's meant to communicate interest in friendship, but to avoid any unwanted contact, without officially rejecting a ton of guys. Instead, be friendly with all the guys around, be gentle and don't acknowledge that they're being awkward, but instead continue being friendly, and awkwardness should reduce.

Now you're right, guys can get defensive. But that's because both men and women, frankly, are immature about relationships at a young age. It's implicit in the terminology - are we just friends, or "something more"? Why should friends be any less or more? A potential relationship takes great care and thought, and is a matter of many circumstances working out, including both parties having the necessary energy. I have come across women who don't understand this either, and crave relationships (fairly early on) more than I feel they should. If necessary, instead of accepting or rejecting these guys, if MissSilvy can be friendly with them, ideally she could convey this simple fact - that there is nothing to get defensive or offensive about, and that people can not only do physics together, but also deeply admire each other, without getting into a relationship, dating, or whatever else. Where men get irritated and defensive, I've found women can become upset or dejected. None of these things is necessary, and the person who knows this should be willing to be comforting and explain where needed.
kramer733
#52
Jun10-10, 11:42 PM
P: 334
I'm sorry but i'mma have to issue a "pix nya0 or gtf0" xD
estro
#53
Jun10-10, 11:57 PM
estro's Avatar
P: 323
Quote Quote by MissSilvy View Post
Current junior in physics at a pretty well ranked university, but our physics department has an 11 to 1 ratio of men to women. I don't feel academically intimidated or opressed or anything but I HATE that I can't ever get along casually with my fellow students. The two girls I see sometimes and myself get along fine, but every single time I try to put together a study group or just hang out in the physics lounge with a few guys, it always turns into this awkward unreciprocated attraction. Literally, without exception so far. Which leads to poor nerdy guys working up to courage to awkwardly ask me out to get a coffee sometime and me gently saying no, but by then the friendship is shot.

This is in no way to be constructed as "Haha, I'm so good looking that everyone wants me!" because just having a pair of breasts seems to do the trick, but come on now. This situation is getting ridiculous. I don't want to date, I don't have time to date, and I am not attracted to any of them. I want a few people I can hang out with, talk about physics, and possibly moan about classes. It's going to be a lonely two years if this keeps up and I'm not looking forward to that :( Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Tell them about social sciences lectures. (So much girls so little competition.)
AUK 1138
#54
Jun11-10, 12:38 AM
P: 25
Quote Quote by estro View Post
Tell them about social sciences lectures. (So much girls so little competition.)
I can almost guarantee this would make me lose interest in a woman. coincidently, talking about physics seems to have the same effect on most women.


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