We'll have lunch together soon - how to behave?

powerflow

Hello,

I have known an nice girl for a while, and some two months ago, I asked her if she wanted to have lunch with me at the university cafeteria. It was really wonderful, we've been talking for hours. I don't know if we connected, but I certainly liked it. Anyway, I told her she could write to me if she wanted to repeat the whole thing some time.

Even though it took her a lot of time, she wrote to me and we'll have a second 'cafeteria date' soon. I must say that she was very busy with examns and took lots of time to write the emails (sometimes weeks between emails). But I date very rarely and I feel insecure about many things, so I'm gonna ask:

• I was so happy when she wrote back after like one month. I got very excited and I was thinking about her frequently and I certainly still am. I am afraid that my expectations are too high and when I'll realize she's rather cool/neutral/indifferent, I'll be feeling hurt. The truth is, I am very happy to finally have met someone who seems in the right mind and who is not totally indifferent towards myself and I probably have too high expectations.
• We got along well on the first cafeteria date. Suppose this time, everything goes just as well. Now, I certainly don't want to wait a month or two to see her again, but I don't know a polite way to say that. Most importantly, I don't know if it is still too early to ask her out to a new level of date (i.e. out-of-university-date): E.g. I am into art, we might see an exhibition together (I hate going alone). We might just take a stroll in the city or in the park (I really love that). We might just meet for a drink (perfect for talking). These would be my favourites. But how do I know if it's approporate to ask her out on such a 'date'? University is one thing, this is another. I am afraid it might be inappropriate or too early.
• What if we run out of things to say? My subject is rather abstract, hers is very practical (we talked a lot about it last time). I don't want to repeat myself and don't want her to be forced to repeat herself (or be bored). I'd prefer a much more personal discussion (favourite movies, books, music...) but last time, we didn't talk about hobbies/general interests very much. I want her to ask me about my art interests and what else I like to do, but last time, she didn't.
• Does she think of me as a friend or a potential, possible romance?

What are your thoughts and what would you advise be?

Mentallic

You know there are other ways to write back other than email, which - if she's anything like me - can put off for a while and then forget about it, either because I'm too nervous about it or feel weird or have nothing to say. Try facebook, msn, txt, etc.

If I were to be put in your shoes, I'd exchange phone numbers to avoid another month of silence from her. You should try asking her out a little more on these on campus dates before you can be sure a further date off campus will be a good choice. It's one thing to have her say she "doesn't like you in that way" and it's another to have her say it when you guys are alone together and have to travel back home together, having a good hour of awkwardness to deal with.

Plus asking her out is kind of obvious. Just you two? You could've chosen any other friend to go along with you. So give it a bit more before you take the plunge.

cronxeh

I am sorry buddy but you are so far into the friends zone you are finding Christmas decorations she wants you to take out to the curb. You may have already blown your chances with this nerdmuffin, and as much as that will pain you, its best to move on and start dating someone hotter than her, then have her bump into the two of you making out or whatnot in the library and evoking a primal reaction of jealousy. There are other ways, but at this age and this level of unsophistication, its a really moot point

Mentallic

Cronxeh, way to go with the sarcasm. I'm sure that's exactly what powerflow was looking for and not some kind of helpful advice... No definitely not that....

cronxeh

I don't joke on these forums. I am dead serious, I don't use sarcasm or satire, or any of the other silly things. I am as serious as a heart attack.

Mentallic

If that really is the case (which I highly doubt) then your advice is more suited for the party-scene.

cronxeh

What are you talking about? This kid is what, 18-19? You think this girl is going to settle down with this nerd and pop out a few kids into her 20's and say sayonara to her youth, career, fun, girlfriends, carefree lifestyle, etcetera? No, you must be joking.

Nobody talks for hours rampantly and enjoys a conversation and then just doesn't get back to you for a month. You do that when you toss a bone to your buddy who you don't really like all that much because they are clingy and needy, and keeping them at arm's length is just not far enough.

And this was just that - a lunch on school premises. It wasn't a date, it wasn't even a dangerous encounter that could've made any psychological impact. It was as harmless as brother and sister getting a burger together while their parents were watching.

powerflow

@ Mentallic: Thanks, sounds reasonable. I'll suggest exchanging numbers and won't ask about a non-university date. And I'll do that only everything goes well.

She's older... you appear to be much younger.

cronxeh

Right, I am the milk sucking egghead here. Sure, that is why I come in posting on this forum because I can't close the deal with some snot-nosed little college girl.

Mentallic

What the hell is your problem?

You're kidding me. No one said anything about children or marriage. We're talking dates, moron.

Well good thing he hadn't closed the deal yet else she'd already be knocked up by now!

No you're probably wrong there powerflow, cronxeh is definitely older and wiser than us both, clearly a 40 year old virgin.

cristo

Calm down guys, let's not start with the insults.

AUK 1138

well, you can't say this for certain, but you can say that he SHOULD have been friendzoned. see, she waited a month. if a girl likes you she won't want to wait a month. now if you've only seen her once you probably aren't in the friendzone nearly as much as cronxeh makes it sound. make sure she knows you find her attractive and that you want a physical relationship. now, don't go too fast for yourself and try not to be completely overt, just let her catch you looking at her a little bit and hold eye contact. you know, the stuff you probably want to do anyways if you like her. and really, don't worry about possibly having been friendzoned, A)there is always another woman. B)Guys can get out of the friendzone and end up having very good relationships. most importantly, take charge. if you want to see her again don't tell her she can write you, tell her you want to do something and set up a date yourself.

Evo

She might have waited a month because she wasn't inetersted at the time, or the timing wasn't right. Her situation may have changed and decided to give it another try.

powerflow

I can't be sure, but from our conversations I felt that she was mainly busy. Surely, if she had been burning to see me again, she would have found an opportunity. But for example, there are events of common interest (monthly or so) that both of us have been visiting regularly (it's also where we've met in the first place). Roughly one month after our 'date' there was a such event but I had to miss it. I learnt from her afterwards that she had missed it too (examns or examn preparation). Also: For one mail, she took long to reply. When she finally did, she wrote that she was relieved that a row of examns had passed. Before that, when it was my birthday, she gave me a short mail where she and announced that a more extended reply would be coming soon. I think it would be fair to say that she is not totally indifferent. I must have crossed her mind from time to time. Right now, I am taking some time myself with a reply because I didn't feel very inspired to write something and because I want to understand the situation better (that's why I'm here).

rootX

Seems like you are thinking too much about yourself..

AUK 1138

see, that being the case you're probably fine. perhaps not ideal, but she seems to be giving you a chance. and as to running out of things to say, the only way that will happen is if you are BOTH very awkward which would kind of cancel out the problem since she has it too.

TheStatutoryApe

I agree with your assessment and Evo's. She likely has been busy is all, especially if she is serious about her academics. I would have to admit though that if she were particularly interested she would likely have found some time to get back to you sooner. Evo is likely right that there was some situation that led her to feel as though the time was not right. Again it may have simply been a serious commitment to academics that led her to not want to be pursuing a relationship when she was busy with study and exams.


There is nothing wrong with saying that. Tell her "I had a great time and I would hate to wait another month to see you." You can double check with Evo on that but I am fairly certain she would agree with me.

The first date is usually the 'safe' date. The second date is usually the less 'safe' date. You are meeting on campus again? Do you have a bar on campus? If you meet up for coffee or something again and things go well I would suggest pushing the envelope right then and there. If you are getting on well and both seem to be lingering to talk more you might suggest going someplace else for a drink or some such. If it is early maybe suggest getting together again later on in the evening.

I have read several of Cronxeh's posts and I am fairly certain that he is serious. Regardless I would suggest not taking his posts too seriously (no offense Cronxeh). I would agree with him to some extent though in that playing it too safe at this point may get you 'friendzoned'. Unless she has some rather strong trust issues I would say that by the second date you should be able to figure out whether she is interested in more than a friendship. There is no point in holding back for fear of scaring her away.