when to disclose details of sexuality


by brainstorm
Tags: disclose, sexuality
brainstorm
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#1
Aug17-10, 09:19 PM
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I am curious; when do people disclose all the details of their sexuality to their partner or just a friend? This includes sexual history, turn-ons and turn-offs, fantasies, "dirty secrets," and potentially embarrassing disclosures? Do people eventually disclose everything in a relationship or are some secrets best kept permanently hidden from even the most loved and trusted partner/friend?
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Pengwuino
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#2
Aug17-10, 09:27 PM
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I think most people keep most of that kind of stuff off-limits to "just friends". For a partner, I think it all just has a natural timing that comes about, just like there's a natural time for a couple to throw out those first "i love you"s and moving in together and when they no longer feel the need to brush their teeth in each others company (the latter should be around 90 years in my opinion......).
brainstorm
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#3
Aug17-10, 09:33 PM
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Quote Quote by Pengwuino View Post
I think most people keep most of that kind of stuff off-limits to "just friends". For a partner, I think it all just has a natural timing that comes about, just like there's a natural time for a couple to throw out those first "i love you"s and moving in together and when they no longer feel the need to brush their teeth in each others company (the latter should be around 90 years in my opinion......).
Brushing your teeth together is something I even do with strangers when camping. I'm talking about stuff like embarrassing sexual fetishes or talking about mutual friends you felt attracted to, or even just something like discussing masturbation or discussing the fear of discussing masturbation. Or are these things better left untouched (excuse the pun)?

Pengwuino
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#4
Aug17-10, 09:36 PM
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when to disclose details of sexuality


lawls, i actually meant some people think if they're just gonna spend time with their significant other that day, they dont need to brush their teeth. Which is gross in my opinion.
lisab
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#5
Aug17-10, 09:43 PM
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This is a really good question, and of course there's no one-size-fits-all answer. It's a question of trust. I have to feel secure that disclosing personal or maybe embarrassing information to someone won't drastically affect how that person views me.

As far as sexual likes/dislikes, I certainly don't have the slightest interest in knowing that about my friends and if they wanted to know mine, I'd find that a bit...disturbing. But a lover? Oh sure, no problem. In fact I'd see it as a red flag if I did't feel comfortable disclosing that sort of intimacy.

And disclosing everything...hmm. Nothing wrong with that in principle, but it's not necessary, imo. A relationship, friend or lover or whatever, can be quite satisfying to both parties without full disclosure of every little thing.
brainstorm
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#6
Aug17-10, 09:45 PM
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Quote Quote by Pengwuino View Post
lawls, i actually meant some people think if they're just gonna spend time with their significant other that day, they dont need to brush their teeth. Which is gross in my opinion.
It's always a good idea to brush your teeth with fluoride to prevent cavities, not to mention bad breath and discoloration. Even people who are single should brush their teeth, even if they're planning to spend the whole day alone.
lisab
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#7
Aug17-10, 09:46 PM
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Quote Quote by brainstorm View Post
It's always a good idea to brush your teeth with fluoride to prevent cavities, not to mention bad breath and discoloration. Even people who are single should brush their teeth, even if they're planning to spend the whole day alone.
...and floss too, for crying out loud....
cronxeh
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#8
Aug17-10, 09:46 PM
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First you get laid, then you become friends. Once you are best friends you can discuss anything you want, while consistently reaffirming the bond between you on a sexual level in the bedroom. I don't see how she would be both comfortable and trusting with you and then not accept your kinky side, unless you have some really messed up fetishes
brainstorm
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#9
Aug17-10, 09:48 PM
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Quote Quote by lisab View Post
This is a really good question, and of course there's no one-size-fits-all answer. It's a question of trust. I have to feel secure that disclosing personal or maybe embarrassing information to someone won't drastically affect how that person views me.

As far as sexual likes/dislikes, I certainly don't have the slightest interest in knowing that about my friends and if they wanted to know mine, I'd find that a bit...disturbing. But a lover? Oh sure, no problem. In fact I'd see it as a red flag if I did't feel comfortable disclosing that sort of intimacy.

And disclosing everything...hmm. Nothing wrong with that in principle, but it's not necessary, imo. A relationship, friend or lover or whatever, can be quite satisfying to both parties without full disclosure of every little thing.
Perfect answer . . . BUT what about when a partner discloses something that you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with them - or vice versa: when you feel like sharing something but you are concerned it will make them uncomfortable? Is this the time to break it off or just avoid the issue and move on with things that won't cause difficulty?
brainstorm
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#10
Aug17-10, 09:53 PM
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Quote Quote by cronxeh View Post
First you get laid, then you become friends. Once you are best friends you can discuss anything you want, while consistently reaffirming the bond between you on a sexual level in the bedroom. I don't see how she would be both comfortable and trusting with you and then not accept your kinky side, unless you have some really messed up fetishes
1) jealousy
2) alienation (she doesn't understand how you could like that or feel that way)
3) judgment (she never thought of you as "that kind of person")
4) insecurity (she thinks that if she can't live up to your fantasy/fetish/desires that you'll become unsatisfied and leave her, eventually)
5) she'll change her behavior to accommodate what she thinks you want/like, and end up growing increasingly unhappy until something happens to end the relationship (because she's afraid to just tell you she wants to break it off because you disclosed your deep secrets of your true self to her)
6) why is this all about "she?" It could be about "he" too, couldn't it?

This is all I could come up with for now, but I'm sure the list could be lengthened.
lisab
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#11
Aug17-10, 09:56 PM
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Quote Quote by brainstorm View Post
Perfect answer . . . BUT what about when a partner discloses something that you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with them - or vice versa: when you feel like sharing something but you are concerned it will make them uncomfortable? Is this the time to break it off or just avoid the issue and move on with things that won't cause difficulty?
Sticky situation there.

I don't think I'd break it off, because it could just be a timing issue. Meaning, maybe in time you'd both feel comfortable sharing, it's just one of you isn't there - yet. Emphasis on yet.

I think I'd bring up the 'sharing intimate information' topic with your partner, just like this thread. And be open and honest about not being ready yet to share, but that you want to move the relationship in that direction...that sort of thing.
cronxeh
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#12
Aug17-10, 10:06 PM
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There is nothing that could possibly shock me about my girlfriend's choices or fetishes. So the only thing to consider is that you need to have a pretty accurate picture of what you think the girl is like before you jump into any further dynamics of interpersonal relationships. I.E you should have a pretty good understanding of who she is before you even have sex with her, and if you can't really assume who she is, then there is something wrong in your communications with her.
GeorginaS
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#13
Aug18-10, 12:14 AM
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Quote Quote by Pengwuino View Post
lawls, i actually meant some people think if they're just gonna spend time with their significant other that day, they dont need to brush their teeth. Which is gross in my opinion.
Okay that is just hideous. Who on earth does that? That's not a matter of being comfortable with someone. Good personal hygiene is good personal hygiene even when you're alone. "I like you and we aren't going out anywhere today, so I'm not going to brush my teeth"? Yeah, I just found somewhere for them to go.

Quote Quote by brainstorm View Post
Perfect answer . . . BUT what about when a partner discloses something that you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with them - or vice versa: when you feel like sharing something but you are concerned it will make them uncomfortable? Is this the time to break it off or just avoid the issue and move on with things that won't cause difficulty?

(Lisa's answer about the initial question was brilliant. As always.)

I think, brainstorm, in a situation like that, though, where someone offers disclosure to you before you think you're prepared to disclose something to them, what I would stop and consider are two things. First, I'd think about the fact of how much that person evidently trusts me to accept them as they are for offering up that disclosure in the first place. (Okay, maybe three things.) Second, I'd think about how much courage it must have taken for them to put themselves out there. Last, I'd think about how I was reacting to what they'd told me.

If I was perfectly fine with what they'd said (which, unless they told me that they were into something that didn't involved informed consent of one of the parties, I'm trying to fathom what someone could tell me about themselves that would shock me or push me over some edge. I've not encountered it yet.) then I think I'd feel comfortable to give them some credit and feel safe to share something back. Even if it hadn't considered disclosure before they'd opened up. Them sharing opens the door to you sharing. It's an invitation to build trust.

Also, last idea, if I'm being sexually intimate with someone, then obviously I feel a high level of comfort with them. And so, if I trust them with my body, then I trust for who I am to be okay for them. And if it's not, then it's evident they're not for me. That takes some self-assurance, to be sure, and no, no one wants to weird anyone out if they really like them, and easier said than done and all of that, but. If they aren't okay with fundamental pieces of you, then why bother? Truly.
Pengwuino
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#14
Aug18-10, 12:28 AM
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Quote Quote by brainstorm View Post
1) jealousy
2) alienation (she doesn't understand how you could like that or feel that way)
3) judgment (she never thought of you as "that kind of person")
4) insecurity (she thinks that if she can't live up to your fantasy/fetish/desires that you'll become unsatisfied and leave her, eventually)
5) she'll change her behavior to accommodate what she thinks you want/like, and end up growing increasingly unhappy until something happens to end the relationship (because she's afraid to just tell you she wants to break it off because you disclosed your deep secrets of your true self to her)
6) why is this all about "she?" It could be about "he" too, couldn't it?

This is all I could come up with for now, but I'm sure the list could be lengthened.
After reading this list, I'm starting to think why should it be like anything else in a relationship? Replace sexual tendencies/fetishes with... political parties, joining the NRA, being an eco-terrorist, or being a fan of Lifetime and those same problems could exist. Say for example, you join a club for fanatic art lovers or something and your significant other has no interest in art. Jealousy over spending time there? Sure. Alienation, judgement? Why not! Maybe the person not into art would feel like they have to change for the other person or maybe they might lost interest in them for that reason. Whether or not you're an art junkie or into BDSM, in the end isn't it basically the same idea just on different levels? They're both something someone might feel passionate or strongly about.

Sure its a sexual thing versus a hobby, but if you define your relationship based so strongly on sexual desires, I think you have problems.

This threads hawt.
TheStatutoryApe
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#15
Aug18-10, 09:10 AM
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Perhaps one could just be an open person in general and then there would not be any problem. For me personally the only secrets are the ones that I will not ever tell anyone, otherwise I see no reason why any particular thing about me is not to be shared except with certain people. Obviously one probably oughtn't up and decide to discuss just anything about themselves with random people and should be conscious of the fact that you may make someone uncomfortable discussing certain topics, but really why should you be embarrassed? These are things about you, they are part of who you are, why should you be embarrassed about who you are? And why would you want to spend time with someone who will be embarrassed by who you are? I would say its a quick easy way to find out if you are really compatible with someone to tell them things about yourself that may make them think differently about you. And its probably better to find this out sooner rather than later.

Caveat: Telling people at work personal things about yourself is probably a bad idea. They are people you have a relationship with that is not entirely based on choice.
Jimmy Snyder
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#16
Aug18-10, 09:28 AM
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Are you kidding? I've been married 20 years and I just got around to telling her that I like James Bond movies.
DanP
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#17
Aug18-10, 11:26 AM
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I tend do disclose by doing it :P Just gently guide her to what turns you on, or toward a certain thing you want done, and see how she reacts. Remember, anything is allowed in bed as long as it consensual. There are no dirty things. If she is much more conventional in bed than you, or vice versa, chances are you'll end up frustrated so maybe find someone closer to what you are.

As for sexual history: I never disclose it. Dont ask, dont tell. Who cares with how many man she slept ? I dont.
brainstorm
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#18
Aug18-10, 11:38 AM
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Quote Quote by DanP View Post
I tend do disclose by doing it :P Just gently guide her to what turns you on, or toward a certain thing you want done, and see how she reacts. Remember, anything is allowed in bed as long as it consensual. There are no dirty things. If she is much more conventional in bed than you, or vice versa, chances are you'll end up frustrated so maybe find someone closer to what you are.

As for sexual history: I never disclose it. Dont ask, dont tell. Who cares with how many man she slept ? I dont.
But what if it's something she wants to get off her chest (all these expressions sound punny when talking about sex, don't they?)? Then if you seem to feel uncomfortable with her disclosing the details of her sexual history, how is she going to get the nerve up to tell you she really likes to talk about past experiences, including sex? If she's afraid to lose you, she might go on repressing that desire to share for as long as possible - resulting in what kind of long term effects?

btw, I think the expression "monkey on your back" should definitely not be used when discussing sex addiction.


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