Science Jokes

Yaaks

Science Of the Supernatural:
Read till the End. This happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala and even though it sounds like something out of the X-Files or from an Alfred Hitchcock movie... it's real! This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down and he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him. It slows and then stops next to him and without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep,steep drop beyond the curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car >makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears everytime they are before acurve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights.It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhaba, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some hooch and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he's just been through. A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and is really frightened and he's crying and shaking. So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what. But just then two guys(santa & banta) walk into the dhaba. One says to the other "Look, Banta - that's the guy who got in our car when we were pushing it."

QE

"WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye !" — Sign found at MIT's Junior Lab.

"seti@home was fun. seti@work got me fired..."

"During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil."

"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun."

"Wave if you've met Schrodinger."

"Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives."

"A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard."

"You aren't a real engineer until you make one $50000 mistake."

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Rotate phone 90 degrees and try again."

"There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."

"An engineer makes a $500 item with $50 worth of parts. A designer then adds $450 worth of crap."

"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles."

yourdadonapogostick

BigBang

A supervisor visited an 8th grade class...he wrote the word electricity on the board and asked a student to define it.
Student:electrikity is the flow of electrons in a circuit.
Supervisor:it's not''electrikity'' it's electricity
Student:that's what i'm saying sir,my dad taught that to me
electrikity
The supervisor got enough of this and told the student to fetch his father.
the student brought his father to the school and the supervisor told the student's father that the boy doesn't pronounce electricity correctly
Father:well,sir, he is a small boy and the capakity of his mind is less...don't you worry sir,when he grows up it'll be O.K.
The supervisor was very much shocked to hear the father say capakityinstead of capacity.He asked the student if there was anyone else at his home and the boy brightly replied that his grand pa is there.The supervisor told the boy to fetch his grandpa.
When the boy's grandpa came to the school the supervisor told him about the both saying electrikity rather than electricity and his father saying capakity rather than capacity
Then the boys grandpa chuckled and replied:Well, i don't blame them ...everyone might have noticed that but why are you making such a big publikity of it?

LENIN

1.A historyan and a biologist are walking in the park and the historyan seas to the biologist: "What do you tink this houndret year old mapel trees would say if they could talk?" And the biologist answers: "They'd say :"We are oak's."."

2. A proffesor is giving a lectoure on thruth in science, when he notices that a student in the back raw is sleeping. So he asks him: "Could you pleas tell me what thruth is." The student doesent want ta admit that he was sleeping so he answers: "I'm sorry a knew the answer but I can't remeber it rght now." When the proffesor hears this he turns to the reast of the students and seas: "This is one of the seadest things that ever hapend to mankind, the only person who ever knew the answer forgot it."

3. 2 students are taking there final oral exams at a USSR university. The firs one enters the room and is asked a few questions that he answers corectly. But then just before he leavs the proffesor for marxism ask him what the time is. He looks down on his arm and seas it's 7 am. The proffesor for marxism the seas: "Sorry you feiled your excam the corect answer is: "Thanks to Marx,Stalin and Lenin the time is 7 AM.". The student goes out of the room and tells his friend about the catch. The other student goes in and answers all the regula question corectlly. But as he is about to leav he is also asked what time it is by the proffesor for marxisem. So he quicley seas: "Thanks to Marx, Stalin and Lenin" then looks down on his arm and adds: "I don't have a watch."

Ivan Seeking

True story:

Morning news: Tylenol and other pain relievers may cause hypertension in women.

Evening news: The morning news caused many women to become alarmed!

This goes back to my hypothesis that the latest news on health studies is bad for your health.

AntonioChrist

Yeah pretty bad joke, do you tell the girls your chatting up at the bar that one...im sure theres a few scratching heads when you do. I thought the banta between you and the med student was funny, do you think they were genuinely offended or just thought that they were funny being so?

AntonioChrist

The first two were funny, last one was a bit crap though, also, dont know whether its diliberate or not but your spelling and grammer is atroshous. Sort it out dude theres even a spell check, thanks to....the dictionary!!!LOL!

gerben

I am sorry, this is not a science joke, but I would like to direct you to some grammar and spelling mistakes:

rocketboy

It may not be a joke but it made me laugh!

Learning Curve

A room of highschool seniors are taking their SAT with the examiner. A bell rings and the examiner says "Time's up! Bring your tests to the front of the class on my desk and you can go." All but one student does as he's told and they stack their tests in a pile. The one student left takes 30 extra minutes to finish his section. The examiner doesn't stop him because he knows he will just have to rip up his test. Once the student is done, he walks up to the desk, and the examiner says "Oh, I'm sorry, the test was over when I said it was."

The student replies "Do you have any idea who I am!?!"
The examiner replies happily " No."
"Good", as the student stuffs his paper into the middle of the stack, unrecognizable from any of the other tests.

Ivan Seeking

The same joke today on, I think it was 60 Minutes. In response to this study
http://www.physicsforums.com/showthr...212#post725212

one psychologist stated, "people should be alarmed about the news on stress!"

Ivan Seeking

Here are a couple of great ones from the CT and X-Ray crowd

A long time ago there was a paper passed around among radiologists; apparently written in a serious manner, the report came complete with CT images showing four bodies all scanned simultaneously in a very large CT scanner. Since the technology can measure density variations radially, it was argued, there is no reason that scans must be limited to one body. So the new Quadrature scanner was being introduced along with the special stacking beds [or whatever] that would be needed to position two three, or all four patients. I don't remember the exactly play on words, but "QUACK" was the resulting acronym for this new CT technology.

Then there was the guy with the broken penis bone. I arrived at a hospital only to be met by the X-Ray crew who were holding a scan of a broken penis bone. They called me over to look with great excitement, so to speak, and pointed, "check it out, this guy was going at it so hard that he broke the bone in his penis!" Now, I knew this didn't seem possible, I mean, what bone?!?!?! But there is was right in front of me.

So as to make a long story short, it is an old favorite for X-Ray students that requires nothing more than a little Playdough and a broken chicken bone.

JamesU

and it's schrödinger

cefarix

A Chemical Analysis Of An Element Called Woman:
Element: woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118lbs but is known to vary from 100 to 160 lbs

Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
1] surface usually covered in painted film,
2] boil at nothing, freeze without reason,
3] melt if given proper treatment,
4] bitter if used incorrectly,
5] found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common ore.

Chemical Properties:
1] poses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stone,
2] able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances,
3] may explode spontaneously if left alone with an opposite species most of them any way,
4] insoluble in liquid but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol,
5] yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Uses:
1] highly ornamental, especially in sports cars,
2] MOST POWERFUL MONEY-REDUCING AGENT known,
3] can be a great aid to relaxation.

Test:
1] pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in a natural state,
2] turns green if placed beside a better specimen,
3] leave the reactants horny for a while,

Caution:
1] highly dangerous except in experienced hand,
2] illegal to possess more than one except in certain area (Utah,etc)

cefarix

Some "You know you're a physicist when..." lines that I can relate to:

If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator. (almost)
If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer. (like right now)
If you always do homework on Friday nights. (all assignments within last 2 days)
If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
If you can translate English into binary. (ive sent messages coded in hex, binary, octal, and base-26)
If you are completely addicted to caffeine. (not yet, but going there...)
If you consider ANY non-science course as easy. (except economics)
If you understood more than five of these indicators.
If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door. (been there, done that)

JamesU