## Science Jokes

The cartoonist Sydney Harris can tickle a funnybone every now and then.

http://www.sciencecartoonsplus.com/gallery.htm

[:)]
 Recognitions: Gold Member Here is a story, it's not a joke... i'd hate to be this person! ----------------------------------------------------------- THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK We've all heard the phrase "you learn something new everyday." Well, here's today's lesson: Think before you speak!! This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question: "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat." ---------------------------------------------------------------- lol.
 Recognitions: Gold Member Science Advisor Staff Emeritus Phillip Morrison http://web.mit.edu/physics/facultyan..._morrison.html tells of an experience that he had while working on the Manhattan Project. He [perhaps someone else...but Morrison was there, I heard this many years ago from Morrison] carried the U-235 core of the bomb out of the lab for transport to the detonation site. He dropped it. When he did, he panicked and started to run.
 Recognitions: Gold Member Science Advisor Staff Emeritus grrr. I've got a funny picture but I can't get it uploaded for some reason.
 Two neutrinos go through a bar...
 ...and as they walked into the bar they were ignored by all of the other particles. Finally a bartender neutron stumbled upon them and said "hey 'lil dudes, up for some punch?" "Ill show you some punch!" the little neutrino said. Little neutrino got so pissed off at the service of the bar that it smashed into the neutron, causing it to collapse into protons and electrons. A riot broke out until a rogue neutron hit a uranium atom, causing the entire bar to explode in a gigantic fireball.
 Mentor Blog Entries: 9 A man finds a magic lamp, rubbed it, and poof, out comes a genie who gives him 3 wishes. The man's first wish is to live forever and it is granted. Then he realizes that eventually the universe will end so he wishes for the hubble constant to be zero and it is granted. Satisfied, he sits back and wishes for a bowl of pudding. Poof, a bowl of pudding materializes out of nowhere, the hubble constant goes negative, and the universe collapses.
 Recognitions: Gold Member Science Advisor Staff Emeritus The electron is not as simple as it looks. -- (William) Lawrence Bragg, British Physicist(1890-1971) "[Smart Experimentalist]: 'Yeah, it is reminiscent of what distinguishes the good theorists from the bad ones. The good ones always make an even number of sign errors, and the bad ones always make an odd number.'" --Anthony Zee, Quantum Field Theory in a Nutshell I know that this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law. -- Bugs Bunny Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. -- unknown
 Recognitions: Gold Member Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference. --Heisenberg might have slept here.--
 Mentor Blog Entries: 4 Sent to me by a John Schouweiler, a very sane man indeed. ********* Subject: The Nature of Hell Thermodynamic Question: Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic? If you don't know the answer, then please read the following response. Dr.Schambaugh, of the Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, is known for asking questions such as "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II course was "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to remain constant. Two options exist: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. or, 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until all Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account that I have still not succeeded in having sexual relations with Theresa, then Option 2 cannot be true. Thus, hell is exothermic. The student got the only A in the course. I wish had had the guts and wherewithal to write exam essays like that student in Oklahoma. Whew, that was a lot of work for a laugh....you guys did laugh, didn't you? Schouweiler
 Mentor Blog Entries: 4 IN THE BEGINNING (To justify God's ways to the 21st century) >In the beginning was the computer. And God said :Let there be light! #You have not signed on yet. :God. #Enter user password. :Omniscient. #Password Incorrect. Try again. :Omnipotent. #Password Incorrect. Try again. :Technocrat. >And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1. :Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. :Create light. #Done. :Run heaven and earth. >And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. >And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. >And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2. :Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and #Unrecognizable command. Try again. :Create firmament. #Done. :Run firmament. >And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. >And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining:$84.60. >And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3. :Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and #Too many characters in string specification. Try again. :Create dryland. #Done. :Run dryland. >And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors. >And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. >And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4. :Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night. #Unspecified type. Try again. :Create sunmoonstars. >And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors. >And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining:$54:00. >And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5. :Create fish. #Done. :Create fowl. #Done. :Run fish'nfowl. >And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. 0 errors. >And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: \$45.00. >And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6. :Create cattle. #Done. :Create creepy things. #Done. :Now let us make man in our image. #Unspecified type. Try again. :Create man. #Done. :Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth. #Too many command operands. Try again. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 6 errors. :Insert breath. #Done. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 5 errors. :Move man to Garden of Eden. #File Garden of Eden does not exist. :Create Gard.En. #Done. :Move man to Gard.En. #Done. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 4 errors. :Copy woman from man. #Done. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 3 errors. :Insert woman into man. #Illegal parameters. Try again. :Insert man into woman. #Done. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 2 errors. :Create desire. #Done. :Run multiplication. >And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En. #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create freewill. #Done. :Run freewill. >And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En. #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Undo desire. #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. :Destroy freewill. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Help. #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Create Treeofknowledge. >And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En. #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create good'nevil. #Done. :Activate evil. #And God saw he had created shame. #Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En. #1 errors. :Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman. #Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again. :Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman. #Search failed. :Delete shame. #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. :Destroy freewill. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. :Stop. #Unrecognizable command. Try again. :Break :Break :Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE SIGN OFF. :Create new world. #You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. :Destroy earth. #Destroy earth. Please confirm. :Destroy earth confirmed. #COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. >And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6. >And God saw he had zero funds remaining.