Science Jokes

redrogue

The cartoonist Sydney Harris can tickle a funnybone every now and then.

http://www.sciencecartoonsplus.com/gallery.htm

[:)]

jimmy p

Here is a story, it's not a joke... i'd hate to be this person!

-----------------------------------------------------------
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

We've all heard the phrase "you learn something new everyday."

Well, here's today's lesson: Think before you speak!! This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic.

Totally straight-faced he answered her question:
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

----------------------------------------------------------------
lol.

Ivan Seeking

Phillip Morrison
http://web.mit.edu/physics/facultyan..._morrison.html

tells of an experience that he had while working on the Manhattan Project. He [perhaps someone else...but Morrison was there, I heard this many years ago from Morrison] carried the U-235 core of the bomb out of the lab for transport to the detonation site. He dropped it. When he did, he panicked and started to run.

enigma

grrr.

I've got a funny picture but I can't get it uploaded for some reason.

BigRedDot

Two neutrinos go through a bar...

motai

...and as they walked into the bar they were ignored by all of the other particles. Finally a bartender neutron stumbled upon them and said "hey 'lil dudes, up for some punch?" "Ill show you some punch!" the little neutrino said. Little neutrino got so pissed off at the service of the bar that it smashed into the neutron, causing it to collapse into protons and electrons.

A riot broke out until a rogue neutron hit a uranium atom, causing the entire bar to explode in a gigantic fireball.

Integral

A man finds a magic lamp, rubbed it, and poof, out comes a genie who gives him 3 wishes.

The man's first wish is to live forever and it is granted.

Then he realizes that eventually the universe will end so he wishes for the hubble constant to be zero and it is granted.

Satisfied, he sits back and wishes for a bowl of pudding. Poof, a bowl of pudding materializes out of nowhere, the hubble constant goes negative, and the universe collapses.

Ivan Seeking

The electron is not as simple as it looks.
-- (William) Lawrence Bragg, British Physicist(1890-1971)

"[Smart Experimentalist]: 'Yeah, it is reminiscent of what distinguishes the good theorists from the bad ones. The good ones always make an even number of sign errors, and the bad ones always make an odd number.'"
--Anthony Zee, Quantum Field Theory in a Nutshell

I know that this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law.
-- Bugs Bunny

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. -- unknown

Jimmy

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.


--Heisenberg might have slept here.--

Evo

Sent to me by a John Schouweiler, a very sane man indeed.
*********

Subject: The Nature of Hell

Thermodynamic Question: Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

If you don't know the answer, then please read the following response. Dr.Schambaugh, of the Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, is known for asking questions such as "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II course was "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change in volume in Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to remain constant.

Two options exist:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

or,

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until all Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account that I have still not succeeded in having sexual relations with Theresa, then Option 2 cannot be true.

Thus, hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A in the course.

I wish had had the guts and wherewithal to write exam essays like that student in Oklahoma.

Whew, that was a lot of work for a laugh....you guys did laugh, didn't you?

Schouweiler

Evo

IN THE BEGINNING
(To justify God's ways to the 21st century)
>In the beginning was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on yet.
:God.
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again.
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again.
:Technocrat.
>And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create light.
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.
>And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
>And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
>And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create firmament.
#Done.
:Run firmament.
>And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
>And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
>And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification. Try again.
:Create dryland.
#Done.
:Run dryland.
>And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors.
>And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
>And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the
night.
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create sunmoonstars.
>And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
>And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.
>And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish.
#Done.
:Create fowl.
#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.
>And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind. 0 errors.
>And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
>And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle.
#Done.
:Create creepy things.
#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create man.
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth.
#Too many command operands. Try again.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En.
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
:Insert man into woman.
#Done.
:Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
>And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
>And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create Treeofknowledge.
>And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.
#Done.
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in
Gard.En. #1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again.
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.
:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop.
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE
SIGN OFF.
:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed.
#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
>And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
>And God saw he had zero funds remaining.

Miles

The following was published in The New York Times. This is a NYU
College admissions application essay question, and an actual answer written by an applicant:

------------------------------------

Question 3A: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get
To know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:

Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

-------------------------------------


Answer:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.


----------------------

He was accepted.

Monique

My ex-roommate sent me this by email :)

Subject: HOW TO CATCH LION

How to catch the lion DIFFERENT THEORIES.

1. Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is
equal and opposite reaction.Implies you caught lion

2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the
lion.Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will
also run faster and will get
tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability
that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit
down and wait.

4. Inverse Transformation Method:
We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter
it.Perform an inverse transformation with respect to
lion. Lion is in and we are out.

5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows
everything to pass it except lions. Then sweep the
entire forest with it.

6. Integration Differential Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion
is some where in the result. So differentiate the
result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion

7. Prim's algorithm First find the minimum spanning
tree from trees in jungle. It builds upon a single
partial minimum spanning tree, at each step adding an
edge connecting the vertex nearest to but not already
in the current partial minimum spanning tree so that
you catch he lion.

Greedy method : Try all the methods above till u catch
the lion.

GOT FRUSTRATED

Now lets kill the lion...

Rajnikanth Method :
1. Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack
anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in
fear itself.

2. Remove the make-up and put it over lion. The lion
will die not withstanding that heavy weight.

Kamal Method:
Go near the lion and cry like anything.... Lion will
die of sorrow !

Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM
and kill it, while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put
the lion in a dark room with a single candle
lighted.Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion
will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Balachandar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest. our lion and lioness
fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in
to the forest, followe! d by another lion. First lion
loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the
2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now
send another lioness(third) into the forest. You don't
understand right...

ok....read it after 2 yrs, then also u wont !

Shanker method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a
good scenic location.

Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 to 6 days.

Rahul dravid method:Ask the lion to bowl at! u.U bat
for 200 balls and score 1 run.

Menaka Gandhi method:
save the lion from a danger and feed him with some
vegetables continuously.

George bush method:
Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him

jimmy p

Following questions and answers were collated from British GCSE
exams(16 year olds)!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A : It lays eggs.

Ivan Seeking

The more success the quantum theory has, the sillier it looks.
-Albert Einstein to Heinrich Zangger (May 20, 1912)

Monique

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the
turkey.
Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Monique

"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"

Think about that one for a while [6)]