Flex is a sad boy

FlexGunship

My girlfriend was supposed to move in this Friday. We had planned it for a while and we were both really excited. Yesterday her ex-boyfriend convinced her parents, who had disowned her when she was 18, to allow her back into their lives if she agreed to marry him.

Last night she texted to tell me it was all over. That she wasn't going to miss a chance to be with her family for anything.

She was a really great girl. I was working really hard to give her all of the things she was missing in life. I had gotten her a cheap car to drive. I would read to her at night (she said it helped her get to sleep), and when she called in the middle of the night because of nightmares (a rape survivor) I would make up a story on the spot to help her fall asleep again.

I learned her favorite song on the piano and I would try to sing it for her. She loved going for drives with me and was my cute little cheerleader at bowling.

It just hurts, that's all. I have a really big hole in my heart today. I would really like it if some of you folks could come up with nice or reassuring things to say.

Note: Yes, it's a little more complicated than this, but I don't exactly feel like reliving the details right now.

cristo

That totally sucks, I'm sorry to hear about it. There's nothing I can really say, but in the future I'm sure you'll look back and see that if a girl is willing to ditch you at the drop of a hat then she could well do it for anything. Sure, family is important, but there's bound to be another solution.

As for the guy who's emotionally blackmailed the girl into marrying her, well, he sounds like a total twat.

FlexGunship

He is. She was abused as a child, her first boyfriend got her pregnant then beat the baby out of her (sorry, but it's true). Then this guy was her roommate and took advantage of her vulnerability. Then got lazy and they both moved in with his parents. They used her like a slave (I heard some awful things while I was on the phone with her... mostly from his mother), but it was the first time in her life that she wasn't being hit and she felt safe.

She responded to a personal ad I put out and basically said, "I don't know how to leave, but I want to get out so badly." She had broken up with her boyfriend but she had no where else to go. We dated a bit and she spent weekends at my place. When she was raped (while out for the night with her ex-boyfriend and his friends), she wouldn't talk to anyone. But I read her a book for four hours so she could fall asleep. The next morning she talked to me, but didn't talk to anyone else for days.

She caves in very easily to avoid arguments (because she associates them with hitting), and will never stand up to anyone. Sometimes I would have to ask her over and over to find out what she wanted because she would just say whatever I wanted to hear. I worked so hard to be the first man in her life that would give her everything she wanted.

We were so happy.

Borek

Sad. Sounds like an old truth - once a victim always a victim - hits again.

Could be in a long run that's better for you. With her luggage of experience she could be a difficult partner in a future.

FlexGunship

You might be right, but I really, genuinely, wanted to be that strong guy for her. Always there to support her. A bastion of stability in a life that was so hard for her.

When we were sleeping sometimes she would start to whimper and call out: "no... stop..." in her sleep. I would lean over her and say calmly into her ear: "It's okay, baby... you're safe... everything is fine... I'm here, hun." Sometimes she wouldn't even wake up, but she would always calm down.

Her ex-boyfriend (now current re-boyfriend) refuses to deal with the problem. Obviously, they've been in separate rooms for a long time now, but he tells her to "quit being so dramatic" when she would seek comfort from him.

radou

Sorry to hear about that. It will pass faster than you think, and there are plenty of other fish in the sea (and specially fish without such a morbid past) - I'm sure you know that perfectly well. Hang in there!

Topher925

Nothing else to say but you can do better than a girl that will stab you in the back on the whim of another mans gesture.

Keep fishin.

BobG

1) You're a rescuer. That's always going to cause you some pain in your life. Whether being a rescuer is good or bad, who can say, but the pain part goes along with the territory, because...

2) All to often, the rescuee only needs rescuing - which is not the same as needing you. Your task in their life is only temporary, hence the pain.

3) Theoretically, their gratitude for being rescued would be so great that they would spend the rest of their life with you to repay the debt they owe you. Uh, there's a little problem with that even in the best of worlds. Do you really want them to spend the rest of their life with you solely because of a past debt? And, in reality, they can only repay the debt for so long.

You might find better success if you join some sort of humanitarian organization.

1) You'll relieve some of that unquenchable desire to rescue people in need.

2) You'll associate with other rescuers and maybe, just maybe, you'll find someone that you can team up with in your rescue attempts. Even though those rescuees are only a temporary part of your life, your fellow rescuer might be a lot longer lasting part of your life.

Lacy33

Abused women/men can recover and lead fun giving lives.


But unfortunatly it does not sound like the abuse is over for your girl Flex and she really is "your" girl.
I had a boyfriend very early in life who was like you are to her and he set an example of what real friendship and being in a relationship is.
I kept that memory with me for a hundred years and when the abuse was over in my life I met a man who was just like you are to your girl.
My young guy died years ago. Had he not been gone I would have gone looking for him once I began to grow and heal. Now I am married to someone just like him. The birthday is even the same.
You have done a kindness that is imeasurable. You will never know how much you have done to heal the world through kindness to one.
It would not even be good for you to know how much good you have done.
But {hugs} from someone you took care of 40 years ago, long before you came in this time.

Borg

I have to agree with that also. Sorry to hear what you're going through Flex. I ignored red flags like this once and paid for it also. Best wishes.

Lacy33

Bob, I agree with joining a love task force. A lot of times the rescuer becomes the victim. But the givers can not stop themselves. The best place for them is in a structured environment where they have protection.
If Flex continues to grow in this way without becoming too jaded from the pain then he will couple well with another mature giver......Way later.
The key in on protection now. The world is needy and the givers are gone nuts, become sick from the confusion. Structure is the best way to survive.

Lacy33

Now Look you guys! Flying these days does not allow more than one piece of luggage. One bag for everyone. And I'm not kidding.

the young people of today are us yesterday a whole lot smarter and quicker. They have to be. We oldsters left them the remains of a drunkin, sex filled, stonners party mixed in with a lot of science gone bad.

One bag and it's checked for explosives as well.
So our bags are not getting on the plane of the future because they contains potential explosives.
Sorry.

FlexGunship

Sorry, still kind of in the "I hate my life" mode.

Lacy33

It's OK. Feel your feelings. This will teach you an even higher degree of compassion and make you a very strong healer.

FlexGunship

I just wonder if she was EVER the girl I loved. Could it all have been an act? She laughed at my jokes, built on my dorkiness, she was such a good cuddler, and a wonderful cook, too. She would always jump up to get me a beer, the laundry was always done.

Can that all just be an act?

brainstorm

The whole situation sounds insane. Why would a boyfriend manipulate his ex into marrying him by convincing her family to accept her again? Why would a person whose family rejected her accept subjugation to marry a man she didn't love in order to be accepted by family members who don't love her enough to care about subjugating her?

Still, the main problem is that she is willing to cooperate with these kinds of manipulation. If she is not strong enough to think independently and make choices that are "doing the right thing," that would create problems for her and you in the long run, no matter how strong your love would be and remain. Also the fact that she is living the life as a recovering victim makes it basically impossible for her to truly love as long as she is living in the shadow of fear/abuse. It's sad to say, but how can your feelings ever be true when the driving force inside you is survival and avoidance of violence? You can find a person who is a perfectly nice partner but you're still dealing with a worldview shaped by trauma.

If she changes her mind and tells her family and ex that they obviously don't really love her to do that to her, I think you could work with her even if she's not 100% finished with the healing process, but there's no reason to regret her victimization if she is willingly choosing to submit to it again - your regret and sorrow only drags you further into the victim-side of this perverse power-equation that is her life.

Lacy33

"She laughed at my jokes, built on my dorkiness, she was such a good cuddler, and a wonderful cook, too. She would always jump up to get me a beer, the laundry was always done."

"She would always jump up to get me a beer" "the laundry was always done."

"Can that all just be an act?"

Yeah! Could be. I'm not sure we are on the same page. Sorry.