Men, why are they so complicated?

mcknia07

I used to date this awesome guy and we broke things off for different reasons. I still really care for him and "love" him. Last night we talked a little about our feelings, and now we both know the feelings are mutual on both parties. We think about each other alot and never have lost the feelings, but not sure if it would be wise to start dating again. Should we just be friends and try to put our feelings aside? Or just start off as friends and let the relationship grow? I'm lost on all of this.....

lisab

The reasons why you broke it off - are they still an issue? Are they truly insurmountable?

mcknia07

They are no longer an issue. Well, one is a semi issue still, but it's on my part and I can look over it. The others are not an issue at all. I know if we do end up dating again, it's a possibility that there would be a marriage.. His family loves me and I love them. At one point there was talk of kids between the two of us too, but not for a long time. I don't need a kid at my age, lol, but I do love children.

lisab

Then it seems there would be no barriers to re-starting the relationship, if those issues have been resolved.

Yeah kids are great, but they can wait!

FrancisZ

To be clear--just from the little you've said--I think it is worth pursuing. You don't have to move quickly--it doesn't require that--just go whatever speed comes naturally.

I'm honestly happy for you both. It is good to make peace; especially this way.

mcknia07

Thanks, yeah I don't wanna move fast. We both have some growing and learning to do. Slow and steady wins the race. I'm just surprised that the feeling are both there on both ends. It makes me so happy to know we could have something again, but also scares me

DanP

Intimate relationships are all about delivery. Can he deliver what you need ? Can you deliver what he needs ? "Love" is not enough. Besides, the fact that you use love in quotes and used the term "care for him" worries me. The choice of words makes it sound (ofc I could be wrong) like you have empathy for him, but not passion. If this is true, if all is left of your feelings is empathy and not passion and desire, let it die. You both will be unhappy IMO. Empathy is no substitute for desire and passion. Besides, going back to someone after a break-up is a mistake IMO. I most cases, the relationship will end up again in the same place as the first time. Pinned against the same anvil and hammered with the same issues. I know of very few , and I mean very few, cases in which this did not hold true.

And no men are not complicated. Most of us are very simple, remarkably unsophisticated creatures (when it comes to close relationships). Its just humans never listen to each other too much when they should. And this complicates things.

xxChrisxx

Just to be clear.

Men are not complicated.

DanP

Actually, I don't consider women very complicated either. It's not that hard to make a woman happy should you desire to. But there are marked differences in behavior of men and women and this sometimes obfuscates communication and delivery of expectancies. Much as direct aggression is the prerogative of men, and indirect aggression is mostly found in females and feminine man, IMO a similar phenomena can be seen in communication. Men either speak either choose not to. Women sometimes use indirect forms of communication, sometimes pretty subtle, to deliver their position on something or their expectancies. Sometimes this can leave a man dumb-folded, but it is rather a process failure than a intrinsic esoteric complexity in women.

When in doubt, if you care, do not get "creative". Observe the common sense tactical rules, and things will be OK. Failproof on basics gets you far. There are times for "creativity", but certainly not when you have no idea how the other person moved her pieces.

Nikitin

what is this? why are you even asking about this? the answer is obvious, go 4 it lol

DanP

Why should she, after all, when she harbors so much doubt that she needs to ask others ? We can tell her our opinions on relations, but we shouldn't tell her to do it or not. This is for her to decide, not for some unknowns on internet. She needs to take her own decisions and face their consequences. We can only share a part of our experiences and what we consider OK or not, but we shouldn't stray her

Nikitin

my point was, that there obviously should be no reason 2 harbour any doubt in a case like this..

DanP

And why would be that, in your opinion ?

Nikitin

From the way she described it, it is obvious that the doubt is just silly insecurity. There is no logical reason why she wouldn't try to get back together with him. I was merely pointing this out.

DanP

Her description betrays doubt. You cant infer whatever this doubt is "silly insecurity" or much more than that. Three of the basic principles that you should observe in human relations are that:
a). social context is paramount
b) More often than not we do not know why other people do what they do
c) Often you do not know what you do not know. You think that you may infer it, but you lack data, and much of your heuristic processes are automatic and biased.

This is the case with you right now. When I asked "why" you was unable to explain the logic of your affirmation, you simply reiterated that "there is no logical reason". You try to pass your heuristics as logic. When there is no trace of logic in what you said.

Nikitin

I have no idea what you are babbling about. I cannot read her body language or analyse her social situation but that is utterly irrelevant.

I'm not assuming anything, I am merely giving as good advice as I can based on the information I have received. The advice being that, assuming her information is reliable, there is no logical reason for her not to get back 2gether with him.

DanP

Ill make it simple . The bottom line for you to understand is that you cannot infer from what she said that her doubts are "silly insecurity" or not. And the second thing you must understand is that with the data she provided it's pretty much impossible to say "go to him, or stay away from him". YOu can provide your views on generic similar situations, and that's kinda all you can do with the data offered.

You are not giving as good advice as you can, you claim "the answer is obvious, go 4 it lol ", and when asked to motivate your answer , you simply fail to give any reasonable answer on what is so obvious and as logic as you claim. You know why this happens, because your answer is neither logical, neither the situation as obvious as you claim. In fact, what you said is as useful as throwing a coin in the air, bet on heads or tails