Sick of being underemployed!

ThinkToday

While you will always be your parents "child', you are an adult. You need to make your own decisions. If you choose to take care of your parents as they age, which is a good thing, you need to do it within YOUR frame of reference. Personally, there is no way in hell I would buy a house and have my parents move in with me. I can't imagine having my in-laws or parents living with me now. Assuming you are single, what do you think finding a future date/spouse would be like, knowing they'll be in the same house with your parents? IMO, based on your mom shooting down your house selections, do you really think your mother won't try to rule the roost when you have a spouse? Not a good scenario. I don't know what things are like where you are, but I'd find a nice apartment in an age appropriate (senior) community for them. They would have friends with common interests, music, social activity, etc.. You should become an occasional VISITOR. Move the heck away enough they won't be in your life every day trying to "guide" you in things they should stay out of.

Lastly, unless you think you're going to stay where you are a long time, I'd pass on buying a house. I bought my first house after I got married and moved a few times. It's a two person choice, and what you choose now may not work later. Find a nice apartment with other young people around, hit the social circle, and enjoy life. Visit your parents, but don't mix them up in your life too much.

GCarty

Is the North-South divide severe enough (in your view) that it would be easier to get a £50k/year job in the South than a £30k/year job in the North (where "North" means anywhere north of Leicester, not just the Tyne-Tees region)?

Devils

I have a little knowledge of psychology. You need to see a registered psychologist, and go through these issues, have a talk about cognitive behavioural therapy.

- you sound like you have a very beta-male personality; you dont owe your parents anything after 21
- you are being a "white knight" solving others problems; listen to your language, you have empathy & identify with you parents; you need to learn to stand back and put this in perspective
- you cant solve others problems without looking after yourself first; look at your quote above from the perspective of an independent observer, asking for your mother's permission to buy your house!, it just appears odd
- the best present you could give your parents is get married & give them grandkids; you seem to have wandered down some track you have made for yourself with no plan at all
- starting this thread about under-employment, but ending up talking about your real problem tells me something too; could you have clinical depression or dysthemia without knowing it? Talk to a psychologist.

AnTiFreeze3

Carthy, disregard Devils' unjustified claims. I think he likes playing doctor.

GCarty

Well they have let me live with them for next-to-nothing (I've often offered to make a bigger financial contribution to their household, only to be turned down flat every time). And since most of the money is what I inherited from my grandparents rather than what I earned through work, I feel like it isn't truly my money (it's probably only in my bank accounts because my parents are on means-tested benefits).

My predicament since January is that I'm now the only driver in a household located in a car-dependent area. I wanted to buy my parents a house in Peterlee so that they'd be within walking distance of decent shops (thus freeing me to move away without having any more responsibility to them), but as previously mentioned, she turned down every single one of 60 houses I listed as "too small". I never intended to stay with them long-term, rather I saw it as a way in which I could leave home with my honour still intact.
I can't imagine ever having children as the thought of having an autistic child like my sister fills me with terror. (And I feel like she's already a sword of Damocles hanging over me -- won't I have to care for her once my mother is no longer able to?)

I have Asperger syndrome myself, and know that there is a significant genetic component to autistic-spectrum disorders.

Perhaps adopting a child could be an idea, when the time comes?

GCarty

That wasn't really my plan -- it was rather to buy my mother a house in a non-car-dependent location so that she wouldn't need me to take her for groceries any more (and so that she could possibly find some opportunities to socialize -- she currently has no friends). This would allow me to move out (most likely to a rented flat) without being consumed with guilt about "abandoning" her, and without being chained to the North-East by her grocery shopping needs (also an important point, given the North-South divide in jobs that some others here have alluded to).
Bloody impossible, especially given my sister! One of the greatest fears in my life is that I'll never get to experience the ecstasy of having a naked woman in my arms!
Good point, although given the sheer volume of things that she bought for my sister and I, she may have had a point about the houses within my budget being too small. (Your use of the word "mom" tells me you're North American, and houses in England are generally considerably smaller than in the US or Canada -- not surprising given that England's pop. density is comparable to Japan's.)

The amount of stuff also makes me think that for a place of my own, I'd want a 2 bed flat (although once moved, I would be able get rid of a lot of the excess stuff -- by car boot sale or Ebay -- without hurting my mother's feelings).

Locrian

Well, GCarty has spent most of the thread playing patient, so it seems a reasonable response to me.

StatGuy2000

Let me ask you something -- you were mentioning the amount of stuff that your parents (or more specifically, your mother) bought for you and your sister, and thus the house being too small. Do you actually need any of these items? You had already mentioned selling them on Ebay or car boot sale -- why not proceed to sell them right now, and then proceed to buy the house for your mother at a price you can afford. If the items are sold off, then that should open up the space that your mother is talking about. Then proceed to buy the house without her permission!

As a suggestion, make an ultimatum to your parents -- either move to the new house you bought for them (in a location where a car is not required), or stay in her current home and get NO help from you whatsoever.

As for your sister, just how severe is her autism? Some autistics can (with support) live independent lives. Assuming that her condition is severe, is it not possible for her to be placed in an institution where she can be given round-the-clock care by professionals (thus taking the burden off of you and your parents)? I'm sure those places are found in the UK.

GCarty

A few months back I tried to get rid of some of my carved wooden animals (I don't want rid of all of them, but I only want about half as many as I currently had) but my mother stopped me. I also wouldn't want to get rid of DVDs that I hadn't even watched, as that would hurt my mother's feeling even more. (Some of the things are no doubt bought for me in a vain attempt to lure me off my computer...)

I want my own place anyway (and moving away would free up far more space than just getting rid of some of my things). The main problem is plucking up the courage to tell my mother that I'm serious to move away (because she craves my company so much as I'm the only halfway-sane person she sees most days).

I was already thinking on similar lines for after I moved away, with the additional threat that if she couldn't make her mind up on a house, I'd use the money to buy somewhere for myself instead (after all, it could come in very useful were I to move Down South).

She's not so severe that she can't talk (as is the case with some autistics) but "eternal 7-year-old" would be a good first-order approximation of her mental capabilities. My mother isn't keen at all about her living in an institution though, due to fears that she'd be abused and wouldn't be able to tell anyone what was happening. My mother has often said that if she won the lottery, she'd let me have all the winnings on condition that I promised to look after my sister...

StatGuy2000

That would be a good start; in that way, you are making decisions on your own independence, as well as putting the onus on getting your mother to make some needed changes in her life.

That sounds like a pretty severe form of autism. I understand your mother's concern (no doubt your concern as well) about placing your sister in an institution due to concerns of abuse (I have heard of reports in Canada of mistreatment of those in institutions), but these aren't necessarily the norm. You can put yourself at ease by doing some fact-checking on various institutions or by asking seeking information from autism support groups (I'm sure these are around in the UK). Furthermore, I would assume that these institutions are run by the government, so there should be some form of oversight on the activities that goes on there.

(Now as far as your mother winning the lottery -- the probability of that ever occurring is so slim that this would not even be worth considering at the moment).

GCarty

I was expecting to take my mother shopping tomorrow evening, but it turns out I don't need to as she went on the bus (even though it cost £5.10 return, and it's difficult bringing that amount of shopping back on the bus!) I get the feeling that she herself feels guilty about me taking her shopping (which is probably why she insists on paying me for my fuel usage -- and considerably more than what the fuel would actually cost!) One issue is that I'm sure my mother doesn't believe she's restricting my life (it's unwillingness for me to tell her that I'm doing something new that deters me from doing it -- probably driven by a mix of guilt and paranoia).

Regarding budgeting, I'm concerned my budget for living independently may be tight, as shown by the following approximate budget (any advice? Let me know if my numbers are off...):

Take-home pay per month: £1280
Rent: £450
Council tax: £82
Food: £220
Electricity: £100
Gas: £100
Water: £30
TV licence: £12
Phone: £15
Internet: £15
Car depreciation: £95
Car insurance: £60
Car fuel: £90

Remaining: £11 per month

Oh, and to bring things back onto topic, how would people here recommend I handle the north-south divide issue once I feel ready to look in earnest for a better job? Should I consider the whole country right away, or only consider the South after exhausting the North's possibilities? ("North" in this context means anywhere in England not within practical commuting distance of London, as such regions will have cheaper property than places nearer London...)

Of course, but I still think her remark is illuminating in that it shows that she thinks my sister's welfare is way more important than her material situation. She's often said to me "unless you're willing to ALWAYS put your children first, you shouldn't have any!"

cobalt124

To seperate your issues out a bit, I do not see any reason why you could not get a job in the North East of England with wages far in excess of what you are earning. You could achieve this by being selective in what you put on your cv (I haven't read yours). I recently had to apply for I.T jobs in N.E. England (born and bred here), and I found the the whole experience a soul crushing, "self spinning", "style over substance" nightmare. I just wanted a job I liked doing for a reasonable wage, it seemed too much to be asking, though if you are willing to "play the game", I believe you could earn far more than you are now. You could earn more in local government, though again your cv may need some pruning.

A job appropriate to your academic background would be more difficult. You would almost certainly be relocating.

Best of Luck - with everything.

Devils

Well as I said I have studied clinical psychology & have experience counseling.

You probably wont like this - leave & live your own life. There are plenty of people leave to live with spouse, move overseas etc, even when their relatives are in dire predicament. Some people leave (ie become 'missing persons') & never talk to their relatives again.

Indeed many people emigrate to other countries precisely because of bad family situations.

You really lack insight & have painted yourself into a corner with your self-generated predicament . You are in effect throwing away your life because others.

I suggest you read something on emotional freedom & positive psychology.
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Free.../dp/0307338185
http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Now-.../dp/1577311523
http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Me.../dp/0807014273
http://www.authentichappiness.sas.up...u/Default.aspx
Good lord he's not 12. If you want to move then move.

meldraft

Since we're talking science here, this might help you out:

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/dan..._we_happy.html

It talks about synthetic happiness. When faced with a choice between two permanent situations, there is solid research that indicates that the human mind will find a way to be happy, no matter what you choose. This doesn't take more than 3 months.

This is intended to give you the peace of mind that no matter what you choose, your mother will grow to be happy about it.

Now from my experience, the more you talk about something, the less likely it becomes to actually do something about it, therefore go for it! Now!

GCarty

I doubt I'd have any good prospects working for the government, given the Coalition's cuts in public spending.

You misunderstood my question (which wasn't about leaving my parents at all). My question was whether the potential improvement in my income prospects from being willing to consider London and the South East would be worth the vastly greater cost of living there (and perhaps other inconveniences, such as a greater part of my time spent on commuting).

That's what my "is it easier to earn £50k/year in the South than to earn £30k/year in the North" was getting at.

cobalt124

I imagine the situation is the same in the public or private sector. What I was saying was there will be jobs in the North East paying far more than you are on now, personal ambitions aside.

mdxyz

1. In your line of work, probably

2. You don't earn £30k in the North