How Many Surrealists Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

[photon]

jokes and well...yeah

I kinda miss reading all the physics jokes before the home page was reorginized, so straight to buisness, post your physics jokes here.

 

[photon]

You all make me cry

Nobody wants to post any jokes, sniff. So I think I'll just sit in my corner and cry. sniff.

 

[FZ+]

Nobody wants to post any jokes, sniff.

As per the uncertainty principle, as long as no one reads this thread, it will be filled with jokes - or at least their waveforms.

Damn.

 

[jammieg]

How did this big bang business start?
Someone wished to have everything all at once.

 

[quantumdude]

I went to an engineering school, and this one was popular.

What do engineers use for birth control?



















Their personalities.

 

[quartodeciman]

Back when mechanics, heat and electricity were part of natural philosophy, physics were laxatives.

 

[photon]

haha

So I was walking in this forest one day. I was the only one for miles around. A tree fell right in front of me and I didn't even hear it.

 

[photon]

So Albert Einstein got on this train. He asked one of the other passengers, "Does New York go by this train?"

 

[photon]

It seems this thread ain't the most popular in the world. Well, its just like I always say, "I never repeat myself."

 

[photon]

museum

So I went to this museum last weekend. You know, the one with all the heads and arms from statues in other museums.

 

[photon]

As I sit here eating sour candy, a strange thought comes to mind. How do they get the peanuts into those annoying little shells?

 

[photon]

Did you hear about the fight that broke out at the candy store? A lolliepop got licked.

 

[photon]

used paint

I bought some used paint the other day. It came in the shape of a house.

 

[photon]

darn wave functions

Sorry I haven't posted in so long guys. It's been a whole day since my last post. And I know you all care because you post in this thread ALL the time. Well anyway, I have an excuse for slacking off for a day.

I went to court this morning. I was acused of actually performing Schrödinger's Cat Experiment. It didn't take the judge and jury very long to reach a verdict, which was, of course, the penalty for animal abuse. Mostly just community service and a fine, though.
So the only thing I really have to say about the whole mess is, "You know, I should never have opened the box to see if it was dead or not."

(all fiction, of course)

 

[photon]

Blackholes really suck.

 

[photon]

Can I borrow anybody's fingernail clippers? Gee, thanks.

 

[Monique]

Hi Photon, I noticed you were kinda getting lonely in your little niche here I am no good at physics jokes, but I found this one for you:

If a scalar particle of the quintessence field is a Quinton, what's its superpartner called?


*the Tarantino! *


Select/highlight to see the answer Don't worry if you don't get the joke.. I didn't, lol.

 

[Monique]

Heisenberg is driving down the road, when he gets pulled over.
Officer says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."

gniffel

 

[photon]

Nope. I didn't get it. Thanks for posting anyway though. Contrary to what the thread is called, you can really post any joke in here.

P.S. Cool idea about highlighting to get the answer.

 

[photon]

Now the Heisenberg one was funny.

 

[Monique]

I actually found an explanation on the first one, there is a famous (?!) movie director or something that is called Quinton Tarentino.. still don't get the joke :D

 

[photon]

So why did the encyclopedia cross the road?

There was a reference to storm drains!

Ha ha ha. That want very funny

 

[chroot]

Quentin Tarantino is, in fact, a famous movie director.

The supersymmetric particles have funny names. For example, the supersymmetric particle to the photon is called the photino. The supersymmetric analogue of the quark is the squark.

If the quintessence field (if you want to call it that) had quanta, maybe they'd be called quintons. I hope not.

At least now you can understand the joke... although maybe you were happier without understanding.

- Warren

 

[Adrian Baker]

Hey Photon, keep them coming... I need a laugh.
I really enjoyed the Heisenberg one...excellent.

 

[Artman]

Okay, it's not very PC and it's not a physics joke, but I think it's funny so here goes.

Do you know what the definition is of "endless love"?




Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

I apologize to all of the blind people who read this.

 

[photon]

So Isaac Asimov walks into a bar and orders a glass of paradimethylaminobenzaldehyde.

 

[dduardo]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a
mall. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls
that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father, (never having seen an elevator),
responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like
this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching
wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled
up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and
the boy and his father watched small circles
of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up
in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old
woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother!"

 

[Hurkyl]

In a remote village in medieval France, there was a church with a tall bell tower, and they had a bell ringer who would ring the bell every Sunday to call the townsfolk to come to church.

However, their bell ringer was old, and one day, he died.

The church elders put out an ad in the local town crier for a new bell ringer. After interviewing many applicants, a man with no arms came and applied for the job. The elders asked him how he could ring the bell, since he had no arms to pull the rope. The man said "I'll show you!" and he went up to the top of the bell tower, ran three laps around the bell, and finally slammed face first into the bell.

Surprisingly, this didn't seem to hurt the man, and the bell sounded loud and clear, and it would certainly be a charitable act to employ this man who could do little else, so they hired him on the spot.

The armless man rang the bell faithfully for many months. Every Sunday, he would make his three laps around the bell and slam face first into the bell, calling the townsfolk to church.

But...

That winter, on a cold, icy Sunday, a patch of ice formed in the bell tower. The man climbed to the top of the bell tower, and made one lap around the bell... made two laps around the bell... but on his third lap he slipped on the patch of ice and fell out of the tower, plummeting to his death.


Two peasants, Fred and George, happened to be walking by at the time. They came across the body and Fred ponders, "This man looks somehow familiar, do we know him George?" George responds, "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell!"



*evades tomatoes*






But wait, there's more!

The church, again without a bell ringer, puts out another ad in the local town crier. And surprisingly, another man with no arms applies for the job. The man demonstrates the same ability to ring the bell as the previous man, so the elders hired him, and advised him about the dangers of running in the bell tower in the winter.

This new man finished up the winter and spent a whole year faithfully doing his job ringing the bell every Sunday.

However, winter fell again, and the memory of the previous man had faded. Again, on a cold, icy, wintry Sunday, the man slips on a patch of ice, plummeting to his death.


As luck would have it, Fred and George happened to be strolling by at this very time and come across the body. Fred wonders, "George, do we know this man?" George answers, "I'm not sure, but he's a dead ringer for that guy we saw last year!"

 

[Math Is Hard]

An astronomy joke

A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex. After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.
"Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired. "Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"

 

[Zaphod]

From the Restaurant at the end of the Universe

Ford : But Zaphod, we have yet to see the end of the universe
Zaphod : I have already seen it. It's just a gnab gib
Arthur : A gnab gib, what is it?
Zaphod : Just a big bang,backwards