|Jul8-05, 08:08 AM||#1|
Our Morning Prayer
Our Hard Drive Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus, Forever and Ever,
|Jul8-05, 08:10 AM||#2|
AOL addiction poem
My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics was staring at me.
But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL! I got to have my fix!
Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!
Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said, Don't come round here no more!
I feel so embarrassed! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How low can I go?
So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!
|Jul8-05, 04:51 PM||#3|
As a good Catholic, I keep looking for Saint Jude software.
Yea though I walk through the valley of Gates, I will fear no executable: For Norton art with me; thy firewall and virus list comfort me.
|Jul20-05, 08:33 AM||#4|
Consider that -
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet, or the cleanliness of the floor.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.
The deadline is one week after the original deadline, and you will still miss it.
The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions - only during the postmortems. A bit like hindsight is always right - and you still get it wrong the next time.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.
The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.
|Jul20-05, 08:37 AM||#5|
|Jul20-05, 09:58 AM||#6|
|Jul20-05, 10:23 AM||#7|
|Jul20-05, 03:22 PM||#8|
|Jul21-05, 09:32 AM||#9|
Bad Headlines -
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Air Head Fired
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deer Kill 17,000
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
War Dims Hope for Peace
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
|Jul21-05, 10:26 AM||#10|
|Jul21-05, 11:42 AM||#11|
If the table is very short, the bread would not have time to rotate past 90 degrees degrees and would only land butter side down if you got an unlucky bounce. Likewise, if the table were around 10 feet high, the bread would have time to rotate past 270 degrees and would only land butter side down if you got an unlucky bounce. Or, you could eat only exceptionally large pieces of bread that rotate slower or exceptionally small pieces of bread that rotate faster.
For most Western culture style tables, the bread will almost assuredly land butter side down unless you get a lucky bounce. The chances of getting a lucky bounce are inversely proportional to the quality of the landing site. If you cover the floor with the coarse, sharp edged gravel, you have a pretty good chance of getting a lucky bounce. Even on a smooth, flat floor, the chances of getting a lucky bounce increase with the amount of random debris laying on the floor. If you cover the floor with a nicely cushioned flat surface that can absorb the impact of the bread, you'd be extremely unlikely to get a lucky bounce.
The simplest solution, especially if the cleanliness of the floor rates high, is to eat off the floor. Then the chances of the bread landing butter side down are virtually nil.
|Jul21-05, 12:02 PM||#12|
Actually, I find a different phenomenem of dinner time physics more perplexing than buttered bread. The chances of squirting someone in the eye while biting into a tomato is directly proportional to the amount of time you spend facing that person. So....
Is it considered a sign of respect when you bite into a tomato and squirt your boss in the eye or is it an insult? In other words, should a knowledgeable person look at the least respected person at the table while biting into a tomato?
As a side issue, when respect for you has been shown at the dinner table, is the proper response to stab the person showing respect in the back of his hand with your dinner fork or have I been grieviously insulted?
|Jul22-05, 09:22 AM||#13|
Ponderings collection (These are not mine, I just saw them lying around and borrowed them)
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad
After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.
I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.
The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.
Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
|Jul22-05, 11:29 AM||#14|
My my lisa!
Are you staying
you have always
helped me so so
do you gain anything
as a reward for
sucha valuable sacrifice ?
|Jul23-05, 11:25 PM||#15|
I just "re-liberated these" from elsewhere.
Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.
Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.
Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.
Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.
Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.
Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.
Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.
Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.
Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.
Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.
Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.
Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.
Heisenberg may or may not have been there.
The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.
van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.
Wien radiated a colourful personality.
Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.
de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.
Hollerith liked the hole idea.
Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.
Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.
Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.
Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.
Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.
Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.
Faraday had quite a capacity for food.
Oppenheimer got bombed.
|Jul23-05, 11:55 PM||#16|
This one is popular. BTW where did you find the other funny poems/passages?
|Jul24-05, 06:34 AM||#17|
Most of the other stuff comes from spam (i.e. unwanted emails).