My favorite jokes thread

[Icebreaker]

A blonde, redhead and brunette are running away from the cops. They decide to ditch their car and hide in potato bags. The police catches up and finds three potato bags on the side. They kick the first one, in which is the brunette.

"Meow," the brunette said.
"Must be a cat," the police moved on and kicked the bag with the redhead.

"Woof," the redhead said.
"Must be a dog," the police moved on to the bag with the blonde and kicked it.

"Potato."

 

[Lisa!]

I didn't get it. Could you translate it to plain (American) English, please? :tongue2:

Daniel.

Sorry, I had to go.I mean it seems evryone is dead around here.Sth like "The Other" movie!Get it ?

 

[dextercioby]

Sorry, I had to go.I mean it seems evryone is dead around here.

Not really, we're pretty much alive.

Sth like "The Other" movie!Get it ?

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with "the other" movies. :tongue2:


Daniel.

 

[Lisa!]

Not really, we're pretty much alive.

For sure we are but I'm not sure about other members around here! :uhh:

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with "the other" movies. :tongue2:


Daniel.

It's 1 of Nicole kidman's movie!

By the way I think we've ruined this thread by chitchatting!Are you ready to delet all of our unrelevant posts?Of course if you don't think they're kind of jokes themselves!

 

[dextercioby]

For sure we are but I'm not sure about other members around here! :uhh:

They're kinda weird people, you know, playing with the rotten corpse of Franzbear. :yuck: :yuck:

It's 1 of Nicole kidman's movie!

I hate Nicole kidman's (!) movies. :yuck: :yuck:

By the way I think we've ruined this thread by chitchatting!

It was a wreck since the very 1-st post.

Are you ready to delet all of our unrelevant posts?Of course if you don't think they're kind of jokes themselves!

Do we have unrelevant posts in this thread? :yuck: :tongue2: They're not jokes, not yet.

Daniel.

 

[Lisa!]

I hate Nicole kidman's (!) movies. :yuck: :yuck:

Really?

Do we have unrelevant posts in this thread? :yuck: :tongue2: They're not jokes, not yet.

Daniel.

No,who dares to say that?

 

[dextercioby]

Yeah, i hate Nicole Kidman altogether. :yuck:

Daniel.

 

[Lisa!]

Can I ask who's your favorite actress?

 

[dextercioby]

You can, of course, as the matter of fact, you just did. I won't answer, this is a trick question. I don't have favorite actresses, as i don't watch movies, just because the X chick is starring. I'm a big fan of "Alien" series and "Terminator", too.

Daniel.

 

[Lisa!]

Is it really a joke thread?

For sure I asked but I meant "would you answer my question?" :grumpy:
and I don't watch movies because of X actor/actress,too.But you know directors are a bit different for me!

 

[dextercioby]

Katherine Hepburn. Happy with the answer? Okay, I've had enough of this thread. Let the other post their favorite jokes (what a joke :rofl:). I'm out.

Daniel.

 

[Dr.Brain]

Q. What do you do when Lisa! throws a bomb at you?

Ans. You remove the pin and throw it back on her

Q.What do you do when Lisa! grows up and now removes the pin and throws it at you?

Ans. Run because she has the bomb. :rofl:

BJ

(I generally use these to tease someone , so don't take it seriously )

 

[brewnog]

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

 

[BobG]

A new customer walks into Ned's Pub and sits down at a corner table.

Ned, who likes to know all his customers, introduces himself and finds out the new customer's name is Patrick. He asks what Patrick would like to order and Patrick orders three beers.

"Hard day at the office?" Ned asks.

"No", the customer answers, "I've just arrived in America and I had to leave my two brothers behind. Every Friday night, we'd get together at the local pub. There's been three beers at our table ever since we were old enough to drink. When I left home, we realized we might never see each other again, so we pledged we would always have three beers at our Friday night table so we'd never forget the good times we had together."

Ned thought this was a pretty neat tradition (and good for his cash register, as well). For years and years, Patrick came in every Friday night and Ned didn't even need to ask about his order. He always put three beers on Patrick's table. Patrick always entertained Ned with stories about the brothers' youthful escapades.

Eventually, the inevitable occurred. Ned brought three beers to Patrick's table and Patrick replied with a sad face, "No need for three beers anymore, Ned. I'll only be needing two beers from now on."

Ned was crestfallen. He had come to feel he knew Patrick's brothers personally, and now one had died.

"Patrick, that's horrible news. Which of your brothers passed away?"

"What? There's nothing wrong with my brothers! No, no, it's incredibly great news! I'm marrying the most wonderful woman in the world ... with only one problem. She detests drinking and I have to give up alcohol for her to marry me."

"But, but ... you've got two beers!"

"Yeah, fortunately she hasn't had any effect on my brothers!"

 

[hypatia]

There was a bear and a rabbit in the forest. The bear just got done going sh*t, looked over at the rabbit and asked "do you have problems with sh*t sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replied "no". Then the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt and said "good".

 

[fourier jr]

dang my one & only joke is still the funniest I've seen on this thread so far. here's more:

Standard English
The Lord's Prayer
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done
On Earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever.
-- Amen

Ebonics
Big Daddy's Rap
Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin,
So be yo hood.
You be sayin it, I be doing it
In this here hood and yo's.
Gimme some eats,
And cut me some slack,
Sos I be doing it to dem dat diss me.
Don't be pushing me into no jive,
And keep dem Crips away.
'Cause you always be da Man.
-- Aaa-mén

 

[fourier jr]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
-- "What's the problem, Adam?"
-- "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
-- "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from above.
-- "Lord, I am lonely."
-- "Well, Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you."
-- "What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
-- "This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you."
-- "Sounds great," says Adam.
-- "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
-- "How much will this woman cost me, Lord?"
-- "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this proposition for a long time and finally says, "That's a lot of body parts, Lord. Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

(i guess you get what you pay for jk )

 

[JamesU]

one day, john looks up at the sky and says:

JOHN: god, how much is one million years to you?

god replied:

GOD: 1 minute
JOHN: how much is 1,000,000 dollars to you?
GOD: 1 penny
JOHN: god, can I have one penny?
GOD: just one minute...

 

[Lisa!]

writer

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."



He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.

one day, john looks up at the sky and says:

john? It's worse than all my mistakes!

JOHN: god, how much is one million years to you?

god replied:

GOD: 1 minute
JOHN: how much is 1,000,000 dollars to you?
GOD: 1 penny
JOHN: god, can I have one penny?
GOD: just one minute...

:rofl: John or Jim?

 

[dextercioby]

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.

:rofl: Good joke.

john? It's worse than all my mistakes!

i see what You mean, i wouldn't like It either. :tongue2:

Daniel.

 

[Lisa!]

Well because I've promised to stop chitchating through this thread, I have to tell this silly joke:




Shelia walked into the kitchen to find her husband, Fred, stalking around with a fly swatter.
"And what are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh? Killing any?" she asked, witha smirk.
"Yep!Got 4 males, 3 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked."How the heck can you tell?"
"Simple."He replied, "4 were on a beer can, 3 were on the phone."

:rofl: Good joke.

Not as much as yours!

i see what You mean, i wouldn't like It either. :tongue2:

Daniel.

:tongue2:

 

[JamesU]

A man and his wife went to the hospital to have their new baby delivered. when they got there, the doctor had a new invention that could transfer some of the pain to the father. they agred to try it.

at first, they transferred 10% of the pain to the husband. he didn't f4eel anything, so they raised it to 30%. he was just fine, so they raised it to 50%. still, nothing. so they transferred 100% of the pain to the father.

the next day, they were heading home with their baby when they niticed the milkman was dead on the porch

 

[JamesU]

On

john? It's worse than all my mistakes!

:rofl: John or Jim?

 

[Lisa!]

What are you confused about?

 

[JamesU]

your post. duh!

 

[Lisa!]

your post. duh!

You should write the names with capital letter.It's important espe. about John.john means a toilet! :grumpy:

About the second part of my post, It was nothing.As I remember you said my name is Jim!


Got it now or I still should explain more? (I hope this post wouldn't need to be clarified! :uhh: )

 

[JamesU]

I never said you name was jim. I said MY name was jim.

 

[Lisa!]

I never said you name was jim. I said MY name was jim.

:rofl: Nice joke!

 

[JamesU]

you're crazy

 

[Lisa!]

And you're always confused!

 

[JamesU]

that's because you're always confusing!

 

[stunner5000pt]

Yes I know it's a long joke. But if you have the time tocome to the thread and read jokes rather do your homework, then whats's another 2 minutes to you? :tongue:

three men were at the gates of heaven. St Peter says that in order to get into heaven they need to tell him their individual stories and if it's unfortuante enough, then they can go to heaven

First guy's story - I suspected my wife of cheating. So i came home early from work one day and found my wife in bed naked. SO i looked everywhered around my apartment and didnt find anything. Finally on the balcony, i saw someone's fingers hanging off the balcony. I took a hammer and hit his fingers and he eventually lost grip and fell down. But he landed on a tree, so he survived. SO i took teh refrigerator and threw it on him and it instantly killed him. After that, all this trauma was too much for me, and i had a heart attack and died.
St Peter said - preetty unfortunate story - go on into heaven.

Second Guy's Story - I was doing my exercises on my balcony one day and i accidentally fell off. I luckily managed to grab onto the balcony below mine, but then this madman comes and hits my fingers with a hammer. He broke my fingers so i fell down. Luckily i landed on a tree. But next thing i see is a refrigerator coming at me, and so here i am.
St Peter - pretty sad story - go on into heaven

Third Guy - Picture this - I'm the guy in the refrigerator.

 

[Lisa!]

The stupidest joke I've ever heard: :grumpy: (actually it's not a joke)

2 guys walk into a bar. Then 1 guy says to the other, "is this some kind of joke?" :grumpy:

 

[EnumaElish]

A Brit and a Dane are smoking outside when it starts to rain. The Brit reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom. He explains: "I'll put the fag into this so I can keep smoking." The Dane says "good idea," runs into a nearby pharmacy and requests a condom. The pharmacist asks: what size? The Dane: "it doesn't matter as long as it'll fit a camel."

 

[Lisa!]

Some Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?":tongue2: