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A girl I like

  1. Dec 25, 2014 #1
    Back a few years ago, I met a girl. She was very pretty. She gave me her number to hang out. Well, there were some very dramatic issues. I was so astonished with her and became increasingly obsessed with her. I went a bit too far. I kept texting her and messaging her. I think I kind of killed my chances with her. But I really like her. I don't know what she thinks of me. I don't want to just let it go and I don't know what to do. What do you think I should do to make it better? Maybe I'm just ranting. Maybe I have this obsessive attitude about things. I don't know if my self-esteem is being destroyed as well. I mean I feel confident about many things, but at times I think my self-esteem is diminishing. I don't think it's because of what I've done. As of now, my obsession with her has also vanished. I don't think of her as much. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just look at other options.

    There is also this notion that states she may have a thing for me but there is no conformation. She did reply a few times, where she would say she would get back to me and at times she would say just give me a second. But then, I would just continue even replying excessively. I also think I care about her. At times, I would wonder if she's ok. When she would be feeling down, I would wonder and think of things that may cheer her up. Maybe this is but just an obsessive quality about me. Maybe I don't really like her and I'm just bouncing all over the place and ranting not really finding a clique or place where I belong or belong with. Maybe I really need to give her space to think if she really can feel anything about me. But I seem to always want to constantly leave a good impression where if I think I didn't leave a good one I would constantly keep refreshing and keep doing it again over and over.

    Once I did impress her and she drew a picture based on what I did but this was a while ago.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2014
  2. jcsd
  3. Dec 25, 2014 #2
    Hi,

    I also have been there. My experience is that excessive texting even when no or little reply comes can be very, very bad. If she does not reply much, leave her alone for a while. Give her some space. She may feel cornered or uncomfortable if you don't. If she doesn't text back at all at some point, take it as a sign. But: If you didn't overdo it now you could just politely (non-obsessively) call her and ask her out for lunch or something. Hang out together. She can only say yes or no. :w
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2014
  4. Dec 27, 2014 #3

    SixNein

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    I've been here myself, and I got to learn this lesson the hard way. You are definitely walking on extremely thin ice.

    Relationships are a form of negotiation. You have needs, and she has needs. Right now you're very concerned about your need to 'feel safe' in the relationship; however, you're walking over her need in an attempt to obtain your need. Being in a relationship is like sitting down at a negotiating table in a high stakes business deal. You can't approach things as if you're the only one in the picture anymore. Now you have someone else to consider too. She has a need for you to back off. What can you do in order to meet both needs? If you back off, she gets what she needs, and you will make your relationship safer than any other thing you can do. So you're also getting your need.

    What has happened to you is that you've lost your independence. In the future, when you see things going this way, pull back for a while and regain independence.
     
  5. Dec 27, 2014 #4
    On second thought I would second that. I think this is really good advice. The bad thing - to me - is that some women strictly refuse to speak about this in any way. You get nothing but silence. So you have to guess and draw your conclusions on your own. Which can go horribly wrong. Don't step into that trap. Here be dragons. :)

    Nobody here in this forum can know where your relationship is at the moment though. But maybe stepping back for a while is not a bad idea.
     
  6. Dec 28, 2014 #5
    Yeah, I backed off. I'm a bit depressed but I'll get over it. I think you are right about losing my independence. I think I have to learn to be myself again. Yippie!
     
  7. Dec 30, 2014 #6

    SixNein

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    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2017
  8. Dec 30, 2014 #7
    Sometimes it's life's lessons that teach you. You have to learn from your mistakes. While romantic books are useful they just explain why things are the way they are. They never really give you hands on experience and you need those hands on experiences. I've read The Art of Seduction, it gives you examples and roles how people become experienced but it still does scare you in real life. How to use those tactics in real life and not be scared.
     
  9. Dec 30, 2014 #8

    SixNein

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    As far as experience goes, you just got your experience. The question is are you going to take responsibility and learn from it, or are you going to repeat mistakes over and over? You already lost your girl by the sounds of it. How much more experience do you need before you realize you need to learn something?

    The mistakes you have made are out of ignorance of attachment theory. By learning about attachment theory, you can sidestep your issues and better understand issues of your partner. Although the book is based on research over the span of about one hundred years, it has been written in a very practical way. In a basic nutshell, the book is about how to get rid of craziness in relationships. It's not about seducing people, emotional needs, or even negotiation.

    You need to get rid of craziness in your relationships. If you think you're smart enough to learn a hundred years worth of research in an area on your own, I wish you all the luck in the world.
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2014
  10. Dec 30, 2014 #9

    SixNein

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    As far as the art of seduction, you don't need games to win women! Games are just going to get you in trouble if your interested in long term things. You win women by getting rid of drama and taking care of their emotional needs. You need to learn how to negotiate instead of argue.

    All your doing with games is trying to manipulate women so that you don't have to take responsibility for your own behavior.
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2014
  11. Dec 31, 2014 #10
    I believe we've all done it, best case scenario> she won't trip over this too much. Don't get too attached slash obsessed too early, you don't know her well enough and anything you reason in your head concerning her is not entirely objective. Don't think about things like "oh, she Might have a thing for me" - no, go and find out. Take her out, chill around town, talk to the woman - if you're open and honest about it, you will see soon enough where you are at, under no circumstance should you Hint at something. Tell her for heaven's sake!
     
  12. Dec 31, 2014 #11
    I think I gave up. If you never made mistakes then it's tough to learn. Mistakes are the best teachers. Obsession is something hard to overcome but you have to. I don't know about books with research, I wish there was excerpts to read on that book. You're right though making assumptions and being ignorant hinders every part of you where in reality accepting something is a cure.
     
  13. Dec 31, 2014 #12

    SixNein

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    "When you start to feel something is bothering you in your relationship, you tend to quickly get flooded with negative emotions and think in extremes. Unlike your secure counterpart, you don’t expect your partner to respond positively but anticipate the opposite. You perceive the relationship as something fragile and unstable that can collapse at any moment. These thoughts and assumptions make it hard for you to express your needs effectively. When you finally talk to your partner, you often do it in a way that is explosive, accusatory, critical, or threatening. Rather than giving you the reassurance you’re seeking, your partner may withdraw. In fact, Collins and Read confirmed this in their study: Men who dated anxious partners reported self-disclosing less often and rated their general level of communication as lower than others. The result is that after expressing your needs in a way that pushes your partner away ( instead of using effective communication), you then resort to protest behavior— expressing your need for closeness and reassurance by acting out. By doing so, you miss out on all the benefits of this powerful tool—"

    Levine, Amir; Heller, Rachel (2010-12-30). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love (Kindle Locations 2351-2359). Penguin Group US. Kindle Edition.
     
  14. Dec 31, 2014 #13

    SixNein

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    In a basic nutshell, a lot of it has to do with learning to interpret signals given off by a partner. If your inexperienced, these signals may be confusing.

    For example, suppose a partner is going through something. An anxiously attached person is more sensitive to those changes, and it leads to paranoia because of the unstable view of relationships.

    Instead of fearing for the relationship, use the sensitivity to recognize when your partner needs support. So instead of saying "are we ok" and appearing a selfish *******, say something along the lines of "Is something bothering you that I could help you with after all I'm here for you." If they don't want to talk, try to make them laugh or something. In a basic nutshell, use the connection to monitor when your partner needs support. And interpret that signal as a need of support instead of a need of fear.

    Finally, I don't think you would have chased her unless you cared and thought she was worth it. If you didn't care, you would have never chased.
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2015
  15. Jan 1, 2015 #14

    SixNein

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    You won't have trouble overcoming it if you learn what caused it to be triggered in the first place. In addition, you will also be able to learn how to be careful with a partner so that you don't trigger obsession in them. Ever heard of the crazy girlfriend? They are simply anxiously attached people. In fact, most of the nasty games in relationships come from manipulating attachment systems. Arm yourself with a little bit of knowledge, and you can eliminate almost all drama.

    Unfortunately, we don't live in a society that gives priority in education to areas of life outside of the bottom line. For example, you can see that physics is a valuable thing to learn about. Why isn't relationships equally important to you? Because you can't make money from it?

    On a side note, you should be selective of relationship books just like any other subject. A lot of the pop culture stuff is complete nonsense.
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2015
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