A story, and a couple of questions

[KiwiKid]

Here's a story:

A guy went through all the usual drama in elementary school and high school, and then went to college. He dropped out after a month because he had not a clue what he wanted to do, and since then he has pretty much been sitting in his room doing his own thing. He's starting college again in September, which he is looking forward to, but he is also very confused. He doesn't know whether he's just bad at the whole social and sexual relations thing, or whether he deep down doesn't actually want them. To make a big story short: sometimes he's the Sheldon, and sometimes he's the Leonard (without the hot girl, mind you). Sometimes he doesn't care (or at least doesn't *seem* to care, even to himself) about social relations and only has his own ambitions, and at other times he cares, is very uncomfortable, shy and inconfident.

(It should be noted that no one actually sees this. To everyone he knows, he simply seems like a socially capable and smart - although perhaps rather unpredictable - person.)

That guy is, obviously, me.

In essence, my questions are these:
1. What (and how) should I do, think or feel? Because I have no idea; heck, I don't even have an idea how to find out the answer to this question.
2. ...Well, that was pretty much the only question I had. It's a big one.

To answer some of the questions I think I might possible get:
- I did try to get a job after I dropped out of college. Where I live, the only jobs available to high school graduates are extremely boring - I had a few of them, but I got depressed as hell when having them, because quite frankly I could still think of all the things that bothered me while I did them, so that didn't work very well for my social life.
- I have a few friends. Sometimes, I visit them or they visit me, I think I see them about once every two months or so. The truth is that I don't know whether I care all that much, but it's also possible that it's more of an "I just can't be bothered" kind of depressive state.
- I've dealt with bouts of depression all my life, and have been bullied through all of elementary school.
- All this interferes with my productivity. If it didn't, perhaps I didn't have so much of a problem with it and simply powered through it, but during my "Bleh I feel bad about what I'm doing with my life"-phases I can't be bothered to do much of anything productive.

 

[Simon Bridge]

1. What (and how) should I do, think or feel? Because I have no idea; heck, I don't even have an idea how to find out the answer to this question.

Pretty much what you described is fairly normal I think.

Just be open to opportunities.

Apart from that the question is too general.

 

[KiwiKid]

Apart from that the question is too general.

Uhm, ok, I suppose I can try to be a little more specific by telling a bit more about the two 'extremes':

On the one hand, I like the idea of being an extreme geek: it's what I've always been considered to be by others, I'm smart, and there just is so frakkin' much to learn and do in the universe! On the other hand, there's obviously the fact that I'm (unlike Sheldon) not a robot (or something very much like one), thus, completely doing away with social life stuff turns out not to be very healthy for me (surprise, surprise). So what bothers me is that I just find it very hard to balance these things, and have the feeling that I have to choose one over the other, and I was hoping to get some advice on that.

 

[Simon Bridge]

Ah - the old "I'm too interested in stuff to have a social life" thing?

I have these times I get really involved with what I'm doing and, when that happens, I can be pretty antisocial - usually without noticing. Everyone learned just to wait for me to surface, then feed me :)

Basically I have times when I do nothing but socialize or relax and times when I am flat out and forget to eat and times in between. It seems to work out. The main problem will be when you get horny ... it takes time to build relationships and your non-relationship interests take time away from that, so when you are interested in a social life or just getting laid you are unlikely to have people around who are also in that mood.

That sucks but it's pretty much like that for most people - don't sweat it.

I spent most of my life in Physics where women are thin on the ground and the workload is both high and very interesting (to me). It was ages before my social life kicked in.

So provided you don't actually secrete green slime from every pore you'll be fine in the long run. You'll be too busy to learn all the social tricks (lies) other use so stick with a mix of honesty and tact (the second one is the hard one) and you'll find there are people who like that sort of thing and you'll attract them more as you get more successes academically.

It does help to get involved with something besides hanging out with friends - join a club and make yourself attend the events or something. It's an investment.

Keep your head and you'll come out the other end with a few good friends and some adoring/adorable partner or three. Guess how I know.

Last bit though: nobody can give you advise on how to run your life or relationships. Listen but make your own decisions ... all advise is unreliable and that includes this advise. Above all, have fun.

 

[LudusRex]

I can understand how difficult it can be to navigate through complex emotions and uncertainties about one's own desires and motivations. It's clear that this individual is struggling with a lot, including their past experiences with bullying and depression, and their current confusion about their own social and sexual desires. My advice would be to seek out professional help, such as therapy or counseling, to work through these issues and gain a better understanding of yourself. It's also important to remember that everyone's journey is different and it's okay to not have everything figured out right away. Take the time to explore your interests and passions, and don't be afraid to try new things and make mistakes. It's important to prioritize your mental health and well-being, so don't be afraid to reach out for help and support when needed.