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Advice needed

  1. Send her another email (but what should I say? Tell her she is special to me?)

    6 vote(s)
    27.3%
  2. Don't bother

    16 vote(s)
    72.7%
  1. May 20, 2007 #1
    There is this girl that was special to me since I was 10 but I never had the courage to talk to her. I think she like me as well but not too sure. I did not see her until first year uni which again I did not have the courage to talk to her. Now in 4th year uni I am feeling a bit lonely and decided to give her an email which was a big step for me given I had never ever talked to her before. She responded to my first email on the day I sent it to her asking me what I was up to. Then I sent her another one telling her about what I was doing in uni and asked her how she was and what course she was doing. But she hasn't responded in a month to my second email. What does that mean? Should I send her another one telling her she was special to me or is that a sign that she is not interested in me and I should give up?

    Please vote and if the first option then what should I say?
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2007
  2. jcsd
  3. May 20, 2007 #2
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 22, 2017
  4. May 20, 2007 #3
    Talk to her in person!!!

    Thrice is creepy :tongue:
     
  5. May 20, 2007 #4
    It would be a fluke chance to see her again at uni. But also I would be too nervous having purposely avoided her in the past for so long ( even though I should have got myself to do the opposite of what I have done).
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2007
  6. May 20, 2007 #5

    cristo

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    You give the impression that you have hardly ever spoken to this girl in person, yet you say she has been so special to you since you were ten. How can this be?
     
  7. May 20, 2007 #6
    How can she be that special to you if you haven't even talked to her in the ten or more years you've known her?
     
  8. May 20, 2007 #7
    So have you been thinking about her for half of your life now? Damn. Go after her or move on. Preferebly go after her, but I think you may too shy to go for her.
     
  9. May 20, 2007 #8

    honestrosewater

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    I do not think it's a good idea to write her and only say that she is "special" to you. Could you elaborate on what that means? You like her? You've had a crush on her?

    To me, honestly, that kind of letter would sound a little alarming.

    Also, are you prepared for her to not feel the same about you?
     
  10. May 20, 2007 #9
    I would send her an e-mail. Keep it short and unemotional. Say something like 'Since we are going to the same university I thought it would be cool if we could sit down and talk about how things have been since we last saw each other, perhaps over a cup of coffee". Keep in mind that this woman probably doesn't currently have the same feeling toward you that you have toward her. She probably has a boyfriend and friends that she hangs around on a daily basis. Be honest about how you feel, but keep it simple and don't pressure her with your emotion. Give her the opportunity to be friends. If you proffess undying love for her the first time you meet she won't have that option. I can almost guarantee that she will choose what is familiar to her over you if you pressure her.

    Regardless of what happens you gotta try. If it takes acting a fool then that is what you must do. If you let it go you may regret it for the rest of your life. That's a heavy burden to carry around.
     
  11. May 20, 2007 #10

    Ivan Seeking

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    Sounds like good advice Huckleberry.

    And I agree: Don't miss out on life due to shyness. Anything worth doing involves risk.
     
  12. May 20, 2007 #11

    radou

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    Oh forget about the courage thing. I know it can be hard, and we all have that same problem often, but life is too short to not have courage to do the things that *will* make you better at a point after you do them.

    Oh people, come on, haven't you ever been in love? :rolleyes:

    I second all of the above.
     
  13. May 20, 2007 #12

    cristo

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    Well, yes, but with a girl that I knew! It seems to me, by reading the OP, that in the ten years that he has "known" her, they have traded one email conversation. Therefore, I don't know how she can be "special" to him-- he doesn't even know the girl! I also don't understand how he thinks that she likes him too?

    Now I may be completely off the mark, and they may have shared numerous email conversations in the past, but if so I would suspect that he wouldn't be too scared to talk to her in person!

    If the former scenario is true, then it sounds like the OP is infatuated with this girl. Therefore, he should firstly be prepared for the girl to not really know who he is, and definitely not to have any feelings for him. Secondly, if he actually manages to get her to go for a coffee with him, then he should definitely hide his feelings about her, as she will probably be rather scared if, on the first occasion they met, he declared his undying love for her!

    I would, however, advise him to leave this girl and go and meet someone else. Friendships in which there are massive inbalances in feelings between each person are often really difficult to sustain.
     
  14. May 20, 2007 #13

    radou

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    I agree, infatuation my be a better word than "love", but still, when you're infatuated with someone, he/she is still "special" to you. :smile:

    Related to what you wrote, infatutaion can be very strong, but it can vanish very quickly once the (bad) cards are presented. Hence, I second the advice about meeting someone else.
     
  15. May 20, 2007 #14
    I have never talked to her. You see I am very weird which is understandable if one is into maths and physics like myself. Too bas she isn't at least I haven't seen her in any of my classes. I think I am a bit like Dirac except a bit more sociable but obviously much less talented. But you get the picture? I use to force myself to avoid her in my young days because I was scared about the consequences. I was still like that at the start of this year maybe. Pretty pathetic. I am not sure how a cup of coffee would work out since I have never had a cup of coffee even by myself in a shop. I once did order a take way though.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2007
  16. May 20, 2007 #15

    cristo

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    That's true- I guess it depends upon someones take on the word "special." That's another reason for him especially not to tell her "you're special to me," since it could mean many things. If a girl I've spoken to a couple of times in the past came up to me and told me I was very special to her, I would be rather scared myself!

    This is, again, a very valid point. At the moment, he can at most judge whether he likes her on her looks. If he starts talking to her he may find a person that he doesn't want to know that well!
    Yup-- once he finds a girl with whom he can interact, he probably won't even think about this girl anymore.
     
  17. May 20, 2007 #16
    I have never talked to her. You see I am very weird which is understandable if one is into maths and physics like myself. Too bas she isn't at least I haven't seen her in any of my classes. I think I am a bit like Dirac except a bit more sociable but obviously much less talented. But you get the picture? I use to force myself to avoid her in my young days because I was scared about the consequences. I was still like that at the start of this year maybe. Pretty pathetic.
     
  18. May 20, 2007 #17

    cristo

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    Ok, well why do you like her? What makes her so special?
    Just because one studies maths and physics doesn't mean that one loses the ability to socialise!!
    Well, that's understandable, but the operative words here are "in your younger days."
    It's not pathetic, it just seems like you've been trying to avoid her for so long, that you've made it even harder to strike up a conversation with her. This is even more reason to move on. Find a girl who you do not have this "history" with, and with whom you can start a conversation.
     
  19. May 20, 2007 #18

    radou

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    No, I don't think it's understandable. It's all just because people believe in these stupid stereotypes. I know a lot of mathematicians who are just the complete opposite of "unsociable", "shy" and "weird".

    And...these would be? Please elaborate. :smile:

    It doesn't have to be a cup of coffee. Perhaps she even doesn't like coffee. It can just be a pleasant walk in the park or somewhere.
     
  20. May 20, 2007 #19

    Monique

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    So what do the two of you have in common? If it is just an infatuation, then I'd leave it at that and start looking for someone real that you share interests with. If you're lonely you should go out and join a group and do activities in order to meet new friends.
     
  21. May 20, 2007 #20
    Actually upon reflection, I think she might have been a bit alarmed at what I wrote in my second email to her (the first was just asking whether she was the correct person I was writing to) and may think about me negatively like I was crazy and might stalk her or something if she gave me more information about herself. I told her that I regretted not ever talking to her and told her what I was studying now and before and my future plans at uni. That might have been too much information to someone I have never taked to. She might also think I am a weirdo doing maths and physics as any average person would. The way I wrote that email dosen't help. When I wrote it I was a bit emotional and was banking on her liking me and also having a crush on me, which in hindsight is stupid. Although I have a reason for thinking that because she looked my way (as I was staring at her) while I was walking into a library to get a drink and she was talking to someone outside of the library this year and gave me a second look as I walked out. I was so nervous that I didn't even give her a second look as I walked out.
     
  22. May 20, 2007 #21
    Mainly that my parents will find out.
     
  23. May 20, 2007 #22

    radou

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    Well, if her way of thinking is that shallow, then you can forget about her right away.

    Your parents are problematic?
     
  24. May 20, 2007 #23

    honestrosewater

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    I like Huck's advice too. I always tell people when I like them, and none of those cases have yet worked out exactly as I'd hoped at the time, but I don't regret letting any of them know at all. Plus, it helps you find out if you are really compatible or not. Perhaps, as a physicist, you would more readily take some of Feynman's advice: prove yourself wrong as soon as possible. :tongue2:
    That doesn't sound bad. If she's a nice person, I imagine she would be understanding.

    In which case, you wouldn't like her, right? Why would you like someone who thinks you're a weirdo?

    Oh, man, I feel for you, really. I think you are needlessly setting yourself up for disappointment with the way that you are approaching things. Is the person that you like even her? You have some image of her that you have grown to like and is special to you, but you don't actually know the real her, do you?
     
  25. May 20, 2007 #24

    Astronuc

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    I agree with Huck's advice.

    One is projecting one's ideas on to her. One is certainly infatuated. If one has not talked with the young lady, there is no basis to believe she has any interest in one. While one shares some common geography and past with the young lady, there is no basis for anything more than a casual relationship, an acquaintance.

    At the moment, don't put any expectations on a relationship with her. The best one could hope for is a casual meeting and review of the past. You both diverged long ago (10-12 years is a long time in this matter), and as others have mentioned, you both have completely different histories and current familiarities. Back then, she might have been special to you, but reverse may not be true, i.e. you may not have been particularly special to her.

    You could do as Huckleberry suggested, but then one has to let the woman decide on the subsequent course, and accept the fact that she might not wish to meet with one - at present. In that case, one moves on.

    One might also seek some counseling, which should be available at one's university.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2007
  26. May 20, 2007 #25
    I'm not certain of this at all. After 10 years without contacting this girl he still is very fond of her. Rather than the memory fading, it has grown into some impossible thing. It may even be partly responsible for not having met another woman in that 10 years. Who can compare to the impossible beauty in his imagination? He may not meet a woman for another 10 years. Without an emotional resolution this barrier will likely only cast a shadow across his entire life.

    ILEW, fear is the great killer. You have already made the decision that you wish to know this woman. Your parents wishes didn't stop you from making that decision and it didn't stop you from acting on it already. Do not fear reprisal or conflict or rejection. They are only lessons to be learned in life. If you can embrace these harsh concepts without being overcome by fear then I promise you that your ability to experience passion for life will increase proportionately. If you fear the pain, you will be denied the pleasure. Don't allow other people be accountable for your happiness.

    We are born, we live, we die. That's the nature of things. I can understand fear of the unknown and unfamiliar. Don't let it direct your life onto a narrow, level path, like a blinded, bridled horse whos only purpose is to pull it's load. There is a certain nobility to the horse and it's work, but has anyone asked the horse what it would like to do? Maybe it would like to go for a walk along the steep switchbacks of a nearby mountain valley, or run wild for a time in the plains. The horse has no choice, but you do.

    Throw yourself on your sword. Commit seppuku of the spirit. Make yourself honorable and talk to this girl. If your legs won't hold you up in her presence then crawl to her. Say "Hello". She will say it back to you. Your heart will pound in your chest and you'll feel a knot in your gut and your thoughts will betray you, but your senses will be heightened. Every sound will be a symphony and you'll understand the songs of birds. The sun will shine only to warm your skin. Every hair on your body will dance in the breeze, their cheers the sound of the whispering wind. Time will stop to watch you for a short while.

    If you can't think of anything to say then make a comment on what your senses tell you. Say anything. You like the way that steam rises from coffee. This bagel is good, but not like the ones mom used to make. You like the smell of freshly peeled oranges, but don't like when they spray you in the eye. Be in the moment. Speak of the past as the past. Remember always that you do not really know each other and she is not the woman you have in your imagination. That is not the woman you are speaking to. Be prepared for rejection. You may need to suffer that little death to clean your cup of stagnant water. A clean cup can be filled again. If you are lucky she may accept you and you can start a relationship. She may even be very much like the woman you imagined. But the most important reason for approaching her should be so you can move ahead with your life without doubt or regret holding you in the past. That, in itself, should be reward enough.
     
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