Dismiss Notice
Join Physics Forums Today!
The friendliest, high quality science and math community on the planet! Everyone who loves science is here!

Am I being over-protective? (cont.)

  1. Jul 25, 2010 #1

    Mentallic

    User Avatar
    Homework Helper

    This is an extension from the plot in https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=404778"
    If you've forgotten or you haven't read it before and can't be bothered going through all that text, here's a summary:

    My girlfriend had found this new friend which would constantly talk to her in any way possible and would ask her to go out together as friends. I knew better of what his intentions were and she was oblivious to them. I told her to not be friends with him because he's obviously trying to get with her, but she believed him when he said it's just as friends. A few weeks later he said he likes her, she distanced herself from him for a week but cherished his friendship so she became friends with him again.

    I told her I wasn't comfortable with this because it's not possible that he could go from liking you to having no feelings whatsoever towards you in a matter of days.

    Eventually I just let it go and allowed her to be friends with him.


    Now here comes the continued part...
    She's started to believe that he likes her again because of some pretty clear indications which I haven't bothered to ask about. She told me about how she'll turn her facebook status to single and pretend to be single for a bit and see if he makes a move. I was cool with it and was happy to have her realize the truth this way, but when I asked her what she'll do about it if she finds out he does like her and she said nothing, she'll still be friends with him I felt pretty annoyed with that but I managed to shrug it off.

    So she decided to not go ahead with that plan since she's still going to be friends with him either way and she just wants to avoid the awkwardness of them both knowing that he told her he likes her.

    We were at a party one day and I thought I'd catch up with my ex since we both used to do cross country together and its been ages since I had spoken to her. It was fun, we had a good time, but little did I know my girlfriend was watching and she was fuming with jealousy. She said we were flirting and I asked her how and she said because our faces were close. Letting her know that it's impossible to speak from a distance with the music so high didn't help my case at all. My girlfriend also claims that my ex wanted to get with me and others that saw us agreed with it.

    Anyway, after ignoring and being grumpy with me for a few days, she calmed down and just said that I can't talk to her.

    I noticed an - ever so slight - similarity between the situations involving my girlfriend and her friend, and me and my ex. My girlfriend's friend seems to like her but she is still intent on being friends with him, and my ex seems to like me but I'd prefer to still be able to talk to her occasionally at parties since we have a lot in common.

    I let her stay friends with him, by being fair, shouldn't she let me stay friends with my ex?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2017
  2. jcsd
  3. Jul 25, 2010 #2
    Ah the classic do as I say and not as I do approach.

    First of all, the fact that she even suggested turning her Facebook status to single suggests that there is a huge problem here, that she wants to see what the "possibilities are". This doesn't bold well for your relationship.

    I'd also point out that you did not let your girlfriend be friends with that guy, she choose to remain friends with him despite your disapproval, despite this guys constant advances. Your girlfriend doesn't control your life, if you want to be friends with your ex, than that is your right to do so. If your girlfriend really resists the idea, then perhaps its time to reconsider this relationship because from what I've read in both threads she has shown a complete disregard towards your feelings but yet expects you accommodate her every jealous whim.
     
  4. Jul 25, 2010 #3

    Astronuc

    User Avatar
    Staff Emeritus
    Science Advisor

    Perhaps Mentallic's gf is a bit insecure. I wonder if she needs/desires the attention of other guys, hence the other male friend, while she is jealous of the attention that other females give to Mentallic.
     
  5. Jul 25, 2010 #4

    cronxeh

    User Avatar
    Gold Member

    Your girlfriend is your girlfriend no more. This is what happens when you are young, don't know what you want, like a kid in a candy store. Get over it, it will only get worse with her. Break up and go out with your ex.

    Oh and are you that naive to think she does not know he has feeling for her? She knew all along, she knew in first 5 minutes of talking to this guy, that first spark in his eyes, that first lingering look and a smile - she knew - and then she thought how annoyed you made her feel, and there you were, on a mercy of the scale, and as of late you've been sliding down in value. What will follow are tests, predicaments, compromise, and battle over power. Eventually you will lose.
     
  6. Jul 25, 2010 #5
    Yes, she does seem insecure, trying to get the attention of other guys while in a committed relationship though is unacceptable.

    She uses this male friend to stroke her ego, let herself feel desirable and that she has options in case she ever wants to leave the relationship with Mentallic. This is why whenever the girlfriend sees Mentallic with another female (as this isn't the first time this happened) she gets very jealous because she sees the female as a possible replacement. Whereas Mentallic in reality is just talking with a friend.

    I'll be the first to admit that when Mentallic posted his original thread I thought he was just being to insecure, however after reading all the information he has provided it paints a pattern of the girlfriend seeking male attention elsewhere while prohibiting the boyfriend from any other female interaction. This is the path to disaster, and the more I think about its probably best for him to just cut his losses.
     
  7. Jul 27, 2010 #6

    Mentallic

    User Avatar
    Homework Helper

    She is quite openly insecure with me - she tells me that she's insecure about stuff - and I've tried to help her change, and I can see she's trying. Couldn't an ego-boost be a good thing for her though?

    She claims that since I used to like my ex, it's a totally different case and thus worse than her and that guy being friends.

    Either way, I'd like to have a bit of fairness in this relationship. If she is going to stay friends with a guy that likes her and assures me she won't do anything about it, so be it, but I should be able to do the same with my ex. I'd prefer this option, but if she can't bare the thought of me being around her, then she should have the courtesy of not being so hypocritical and breaking the friendship with that guy.

    cronxeh it might well be she didn't know, but I agree that for her to believe at this very moment that he doesn't like her (even after he said he likes her then backed off and said he doesn't any more once he realized I knew about it), well, she's fooling herself. Else, she's fooling me.

    And no I wouldn't break up with her over this little quarrel. I'm sure all relationships have their ups and downs, and I don't come here to discuss all aspects of my life, just the downhill ride that bothers me.
     
  8. Jul 27, 2010 #7

    Pengwuino

    User Avatar
    Gold Member

    GWOW, is your gf socially challenged? That is about the only reason you could possibly be cool with her doing that 'switching to single' nonsense on facebook. If she's not socially challenged, she's looking for another guy to be with (possibly if things dont work out with you). There's also the possibility she's so secure in your relationship with her that she actually can do a silly experiment like that... except she's not.
     
  9. Jul 27, 2010 #8

    Mentallic

    User Avatar
    Homework Helper

    I don't know what this stands for :biggrin:

    Yes, she's the quiet one that only really talks to her close group of friends, and I'm the opposite. I guess we complement each other as I do enough talking for the both of us.

    I was ok with her doing that because I wanted her to stop being so quick to believe everything someone says, I wanted to show her that he still likes her so maybe she would be able to act appropriately to the situation at hand.
     
  10. Jul 27, 2010 #9
    break up with her.
     
  11. Jul 27, 2010 #10

    Astronuc

    User Avatar
    Staff Emeritus
    Science Advisor

    Is this still the case. One can talk about certain subjects or the particular subject of one's gf and her male friend? Good, open communication is critical in a relationship, and so is trust. One can simply sustain a relationship when there is doubt, which leads to worry/stress and perhaps eventually resentment.

    It seems common in young folks to find a temporary mate and perhaps move on if something better comes along. Partly for that reason, I generally refrained from exclusive romantic relationships and instead just enjoyed platonic friendships.
     
  12. Jul 27, 2010 #11
    That kind of ego boost is bad both for her and your relationship. She shouldn't be intentionally trying to attract the attention of other males while in a committed relationship, and the fact that she tried to see this guys potential reaction to her being single is disrespectful towards your relationship. I have no idea why you would tolerate such a thing.

    Not all relationships end badly, sometimes people can remain friends after a break up. Unless there is something you're not telling us you seem to have handled yourself well and didn't overtly flirt. Where as your girlfriend maintains a close relationship with someone who has made several overt advances towards her.

    You are approaching this the wrong way, She is her own person, she can be friends with whoever she wants. As the boyfriend you can either convey your discomfort and hope she stops seeing him, learn to live with it or leave. You are also your own person, you can be friends with your ex and your girlfriend can either learn to live with it or leave.

    Mentallic, do you not find it strange that she keeps this guy, who is clearly infatuated with her around. When I had a female friend that was interested in me, I conveyed that a relationship was not going to happen, when she continued to persist I reduced contact, its what any sensible person who considers the feelings of the "prospective lover" would do. Your girlfriend is close friends with someone who has made continuous advances, yet she does nothing to curb this behaviour, that is questionable...at best.

    A quarrel that has been ongoing for three months now, with no prospect of the problematic behaviour ending. Look I never tell anyone to end a relationship, I think now a days people are usually too quick to end things instead of working on them. However there is a point and time where you have to consider whether a relationship is worth continuing.

    She's not going to change her behaviour, so you can either learn to live with it, or you can leave.
     
  13. Jul 27, 2010 #12

    lisab

    User Avatar
    Staff Emeritus
    Science Advisor
    Gold Member

    Changing her fb status to 'single' (or simply saying she's thinking about it), and telling you that you "can't talk to her"...these things are beyond signs of insecurity, they're signs of someone who is quite immature, or has poor interpersonal skills, or both.
     
  14. Jul 27, 2010 #13
    Like I said before you need trust in a relationship and it seems you two have trust issues.

    Her friend and your insecurity about them is just a symptom. Her intentions are all that matter to you. His intentions are her problem unless you think that he poses a serious threat to her safety (and I mean seriously, not just maybe in some insecure dreamland composed of what-ifs).

    Your ex and her insecurity about you two is just a symptom aswell. Your intentions are all that should matter to her. Your ex's intentions are your own problem. And, despite not feeling your girlfriend can handle similar situations, I am sure you feel you are up to the task of handling any issues with your ex.

    Treating symptoms does not fix a problem. Figure out why you two do not trust one another and go from there. Both of you should be able to be friends with whom ever you wish.
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2010
Share this great discussion with others via Reddit, Google+, Twitter, or Facebook