Are West Jet Airlines Flight Attendants the Funniest in the Industry?

[Danger]

My friend, a former bush pilot, just e-mailed me the following item. They're all true quotes, or at least as close-to as they were remembered.

West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:
On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you
want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture
here, find a seat and get in it!"
>** -----------------------
On another West Jet Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>** ------------------------
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
>** -----------------------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane."
>** -----------------------
"Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>** ---------------------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancover Airport,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. W HOA!"
>** -------------------------
After a particularly rough landing during! thunderstorms in Ontario,
a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
>** -----------------------
From a West Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet Flight
245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
>** ---------------------
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick
your favourite."
>** -----------------------
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines."
>** ------------------------
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
>** -----------------------
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>** ---------------------------
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "West Jet Airlines is
pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>** -----------------------------
Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton.
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn 't the flight attendant's fault,
it was the asphalt."
>** ------------------------------
Overheard on an West Jet Airlines flight into Regina, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your
seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of
our airplane to the gate!"
>** -----------------------------
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
>** ---------------------
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
*required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light
of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no,! Ma'am," said the pilot."What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>** -------------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we
'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
>** ------------------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of West Jet Airways."
>** ---------------
Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.
If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>** ----------------
A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal, The weather ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you, the flight
attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!"** A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.
You should see the back of mine!"

Makes me regret even more being grounded. I think that I'd like to work for them.

 

[Moonbear]

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick
your favourite."

I was on a flight somewhat recently where they modified that part of the instructions to, "...if you are traveling with a small child, or someone who just acts like one..." I think they toss those jokes in once in a while just to see if anyone is even listening.

I've heard some variation on the seatbelt one too, especially since most flights I've been on wait until the plane is already taxiing and the flight attendants have already walked the aisle to make sure everyone is buckled up before they go through their safety spiel.

 

[Danger]

I was on a flight somewhat recently where they modified that part of the instructions

I'd go nuts if I had to say the same thing day after day, so I imagine there must be a fair bit of ad lib goes on. I've never heard a non-serious one myself, though. My favourite here is the old lady.

 

[matthyaouw]

Anything forwarded in an email that has the need to proclaim itself as true probably isn't